Okay, so this chapter is going to be sad, and while I was writing this, I was listening to the song My Love by Sia from the Eclipse soundtrack and it kind of reminded me of this chapter, so that's why I posted the lyrics. Also, this isn't the last chapter! There is one more which I will hopefully post today! Thanks for reading :)
My love, leave yourself behind
Beat inside me, leave you blind
My love, you have found peace
You were searching for release
You gave it all, into the call
You took a chance and
You took a fall for us
You came thoughtfully, loved me faithfully
You taught me honor, you did it for me
Tonight you will sleep for good
You will wait for me my love
Now I am strong
You gave me all
You gave all you had and now I am home
~28~
I paced back and forth on the white tile floor, my nerves were all tangled up and my heart was in my chest. I knew something wasn't right. I had never felt surer than ever of that fact and it scared me. Usually I had Edward to reassure all of my fears, but now, he was my fear.
It was 7 at night and Edward had been here all day. I hadn't seen him since when we first came in. They were performing countless number of tests. Jacob had gotten out of work to bring Leila back to our apartment. I didn't want her here to watch him suffer.
The doctor came down the hallway, just like she had after Leila's transplant. She had worn a big smile on her face, but this time, there was no smile. She looked down at her feet, unwilling to meet my eyes. When she got close enough to me, she simply muttered, "I'm sorry."
Tears came to my eyes and a lump came to my throat. I wanted to throw myself to the ground and crawl under a rock, but for Leila's sake, that wasn't an option.
"Bacteria had gotten into his blood while we were performing the surgery to take his marrow," she continued, still hardly looking into my eyes, "It was only a little, but it reproduced enough to spread to the rest of his blood and of course his organs which will soon go into failure. There's nothing we can do to stop it. It's too late now. I'm sorry."
She left me to go and tend to more patients who had a better chance of living. My whole body was numb as I walked down the hallway to his room. I couldn't feel anything and I didn't want to. If I did, my body was sure to go into a fit and start convulsing.
The first thing I heard was the beeping of the heart monitor next to him and his heavy gasps as he stared up at the ceiling. I crept toward him, reaching for his hand that lay limp at his side. I looked up to his white face. He was barely alive, but he was already a ghost. He closed his eyes and I thought for a moment that it was the end without him saying goodbye, but he opened them up a second later and let drops of tears fall.
He tilted his head downward to look into my terrified eyes; terrified of losing him, terrified of living without him. I noticed his eyes, they were just as terrified. The emerald was dark and pierced through my soul, but the fire was gone in them. They were just sad windows into his soul.
"Don't leave me," he whispered. His voice still contained the sweetness and gentility etched within, but it was still raspy and hardly audible. I knew the end was nearer. It seemed a miracle he was even alive for this moment, but maybe he held out for me.
"I'm not," I whispered, squeezing his hand harder. The tears began to fall and I couldn't hold them back. I wanted to be strong for him, but that was no longer an option. He would see me crumble.
"Shh," he whispered, "Please be strong for Leila."
"I will," I sobbed, my heart aching in my chest. It felt as though I was going into cardiac arrest. I pulled myself closer to him, sitting on the stool next to his bed.
He looked down at me, "I'm so sorry Bella. I gave you promises and hopes of a happy life and I took them away from you in an instant. Please forgive me, for everything. I will never forgive myself for letting you walk away five years ago and I will never forgive myself for leaving you now."
I sobbed harder as old memories rushed through my head, "I do forgive you. I already have."
He closed his eyes and sighed. He seemed to be letting go. I leaned over and kissed his lips softly only once and rested my head on his chest, "Please don't leave me."
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, "Tell Leila I love her. Please, don't let her forget me."
"She never will," I whispered, "You gave her so much, how could she ever forget you."
"I just wish I gave her more," he sighed, "And you."
"Shh," I cooed into his chest as my sobbing increased, "You gave me everything. You saved my little girl from a life of terminal cancer and gave her the family she deserved. You saved me when I was a teenager from my miserable life full of neglect, loss, and darkness and you saved me now from thinking that was all that was good in the world. You gave me my dreams. I love you Edward and I will always love you."
I felt him start to gasp for breaths underneath me. I looked up to see him blinking more tears back. It was the end and I knew it. These would be his last words. "I love you Bella. If God forgives me and I go to heaven, it will only be hell without you. I will wait for you at the entrance in the hopes for you to come soon. I want you to have a happy life here on Earth with Leila, but when you're ready, I will be there waiting for you. Our love is a pattern. We're together and then we're not. We'll be together again, my love, and when we are, it will be for forever this time."
His voiced started to fade on the last words and I watched as he started to gasp again and I tore my eyes from his as his head fell back on the pillow. I clutched onto his chest, refusing to let go, as the heart monitor sped up and then ceased altogether while he took his last breath.
I felt the hollow body beneath me and the numbness consumed me. All that was heard were my sobs. His soul was gone from the empty body, and with it, he took my heart and it would be gone from me until I met him at the gates of heaven, waiting for me, holding out my heart and the possibility of forever with it.
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