u·to·pi·a
yo͞oˈtōpēə/
noun
an imagined place or state of things in which everything is perfect.
There is only one antonym for the word 'utopia'. That word is hell.
Riley Matthews was in hell.
It'd been a week since she found out about Maya's death, and she still felt like she couldn't breathe. It felt selfish. Being alive felt selfish.
Her window stayed open – constantly taunting her. Every now and then, when the wind rustled the leaves in just the right way, she'd turn her head excitedly expecting to see Maya crawling into her room, only to be reminded that Maya would never, ever be sitting in the bay window ever again.
Riley now sat on her bed, staring at the black dress hanging on her doorknob. It didn't feel right – Maya wouldn't want her wearing black to her funeral. But black was all she could tolerate right now, every other color just seemed too bright and they insulted her. How dare the colors not dull themselves after such a heavy loss?
"Riley honey," Topanga gently knocked on the door as she jiggled the locked handle, "How are we doing?"
Wretched. Pathetic. Destroyed. Dolorous. Pained. Riley considers saying any of these things – but this is not what her mother wants to know. Topanga wants to know if she's almost finished getting ready to go to her best friend's funeral.
"I'm almost ready." She croaked out – her voice coarse after the many nights she's stayed up sobbing tearlessly into her pillow, unable to remember the last words she said to Maya.
Riley stood from her bed, gravity pulling down on her now more than ever, as though it were wrapping its hands around her ankles and trying to drag her down to hell – unaware that she was already there. Slowly she trod over to the dress. The dress flowed down to her knees and hugged in at her waist – it would be stunning if she were wearing it to anything but a funeral. She slid into the dress and slipped out the door, feeling as though she didn't have the energy to do anything more.
Topanga immediately stood up when Riley trudged out into the living area, her entire family was clad in black. She pat down on her daughters hair, cupping her hands around Riley's face.
"Sweetheart do you want me to fix up your hair?"
Riley simply pushed her mother away- Maya wouldn't have cared if her hair wasn't done. Maya didn't care what Riley looked like, she thought Riley was beautiful no matter what. Riley wondered if Maya would still think that now. She hadn't showered in days, because no matter how hard she scrubbed she couldn't manage to wash away the pain.
The Matthews' gang silently filed into their SUV, they were all afraid to say a word – as far as they were concerned, Riley was a flight risk. She gently tapped her head against the cold window, watching as her breath fogged up the glass. It was the beginning of spring, it was once her favorite time of year. In the earliest parts of the morning a thin layer of frost settled on top of all of the leaves, and by the time she woke up they'd melted into a beautiful dew that reflected light and made everything look brighter – except now she didn't look outside. Because if she did all she saw was water on leaves, and there is nothing magical about water on leaves.
The vehicle jolted to a stop as Topanga put the van in park, Topanga looked behind her seat, concern settling on her face. Riley was pressing her hands into her knees so hard her hand had turned white, her face was scrunched.
"I don't know if I can do this alone." She whispered, her vision clouding with tears, Auggie leaned over and put his little nine year old hand on top of his sisters, ,"You're not alone." He smiled, putting his head on her shoulder, Riley stiffened at the contact. She looked out to the church, knowing Shawn planned the funeral. He'd tried to get Maya to believe in something – anything – even if it was just believing in the sun every morning, little did he know that one of the only things Maya believed in was him.
Cory opened the door for his daughter and took hold of both of her hands, helping her step out of the vehicle. Every step she took into the building echoed louder and louder, resonating in tune with her heart, which seemed to be thrashing around in her chest.
The heavy oak doors creaked as they opened, but there was too much chatter inside for anyone to notice. Two boys in poorly sized suits handed out a card to everyone, a flimsy piece of paper that read 'Maya Penelope Hart, January 2001 – 2017'. Reading this, Riley smiled for the first time in what seemed like decades, thinking of how Maya would react to reading this.
"My entire life I've managed to keep the circle of people who know my middle name is 'Penelope' to a minimal, and here at my funeral you announce it to the entire school?" She'd dramatically toss the paper aside and cross her arms, "Some respect for the dead you have." Maya would tease before breaking into a laugh so contagious everyone would be erupting with smiles.
Riley saw Lucas sitting alone in one of the pews near the back as she and her family made their way to the aisle marked off for them, she looked up at her parents and then made her way back to him.
"Hey." She startled him, Lucas wiped his face and then looked up at Riley – his bloodshot eyes showing his pain no matter how much he tried to hide it.
"Oh hey!" He squeaked, his voice high-pitched and wounded.
"Do you mind if I sit next to you?" Riley asked, already moving into the aisle next to him.
They sat together, watching as people who were strangers to Maya filed into the church, wailing. Katy Hart in the center of it all, mascara running down her face as though she ever cared for her daughter. Riley looked at Farkle and his family as they walked in, her and Farkle hadn't spoken since that dreadful day last week. He finally was letting himself grieve – and this was something he chose to do alone. However, as he did a double take looking at his two remaining best friends, he peeled off from his family to sit with them.
No words were needed for this miserable group of three. They sat together, tears stinging their eyes, and watched everything around them happen. Shawn ran up to Cory and it looked like they had a brief discussion before running to the back of the church together.
"What's your dad doing?" Farkle leaned over to ask Riley. She shrugged,
"I don't know."
These are the first words they've said to each other since they learned of Maya's death.
It wasn't until the funeral procession started did they realize exactly what Mr. Matthews was doing. The music started to play and Cory and Shawn carried Maya's coffin together, bringing her to the front of the church.
They were walking her down the aisle.
They set her down on the table, faces streaked with tears, and sat down with Topanga and Auggie, all of them already sobbing. Riley, Farkle and Lucas all held hands as the priest spoke – enjoying the memory of their dear friend.
"An accident took her away from us-" the priest shouted, Lucas stiffened and a chill went down all of their spines. They knew this was due to no accident. Out of respect for Maya, they didn't move, but as soon as the procession ended the three of them stood and ran out of the church, weaving their way out of the crowd – disregarding anyone who reached out to apologize for their loss.
The moment the cold air hit their skin, Lucas let out a cry. He wrapped his arms around himself and rocked back and forth as he sobbed. Riley had no idea he was even capable of being so solemn. As they sat on the ground, both of the boys crying with Riley looking back and forth between them, Riley finally realized how much they were hurting as well. And she started to laugh. Laugh at how Katy sat inside the church crying for the loss of the daughter she abused, laugh at how every kid in their grade showed up to pay respects to the great disappearing act that was Maya Hart, and laughing at how the only person who could make her feel better was laying inside of a wooden box inside. Yeah. She was laughing. But she was still crying inside.
"Let's have our own funeral for her." Farkle said, looking at Riley, "She would've hated this. Every second. Her name on the sheet, all of the people." He shrugged and picked at the skin around his finger.
"Let's do it again."
At first, Riley thought it a stupid idea, but the more she thought about it the more she fell in love with it.
"Yeah, yeah that'd be perfect."
The three of them gathered on the bench at John Quincy Adams Middle School, Maya's artwork to be the backdrop to her funeral. The lights were off and they'd had to ask Janitor Harley to let them in to the school whose halls they used to rule. High School was a different world, a world Riley didn't want to have to return to alone. She stood up in front of Lucas and Farkle, her speech in hand, and she began to conduct the funeral she thought Maya would've wanted to have.
"Maya Hart." She started, intentionally dodging her best friends middle name, "I think, if at all possible – and if it was Maya would definitely be the one to make it possible, had too much heart. I think, she'd had so much of her heart taken away and she spent so much time giving her heart away that she didn't have any leftover for herself. I was lucky enough to be on the receiving end, even if it was just for a little while, but I… I think I stole some of it too. And I'm so sorry for that. I'll never be able to say how sorry I am. I-" She couldn't continue, she looked at the purple cat painted in the corner of the bench and felt nothing but guilt. So many years ago she'd insisted on putting it there and now she looked at it and saw how it contaminated Maya's masterpiece. She was sobbing and she didn't think she deserved to stop. Lucas and Farkle wrapped themselves around her and they all sat together, trying to comprehend the world they lived in now. The world without Maya Hart.
