I was going to hold this back until you all agreed to at least PRETEND Zack's soul mate isn't necessarily Angeal...but whatever, I guess you all know me too well. ::snicker::
Thank you guys again for all being so nice in the midst of difficult times, difficult story, and quite frankly a crisis in my faith in my ability to write.
Re: Lisa's request - No. You should probably stop reading my work now...
Zack: ::pouts::
NOT WRATH OF GODS
Chapter 29 - This Fruit Of My Heart
Their departure for Wutai was coming up quickly. Zack had missed being in motion, and now he got his wish; preparations for the four-month (length tentative) mission kept he and Angeal busy the next few days. In addition to Angeal delegating his executive responsibilities and Zack collecting the homework he would miss while away from classes, Angeal had to begin the light training program they would be using while away. Zack began extracurricular studies of Wutai's culture and language. And both had to pack, of course.
Folding things and stuffing them into suitcases and boxes was not that long a chore, but it was tedious for a distracted teenager. Angeal tried to lighten things up with music and pizza, and had even offered to do the rest of Zack's packing for him so he could have more time with Kunsel and Varley and the other friends he would miss. But maturely, Zack declined, though he seemed to like the frequent breaks Angeal called.
It was during one of these that Zack felt an urge to confess about Declan, but instead said "Angeal? We're taking one of the slower air transports, right?"
"Yes, that's standard procedure with a lot of men and a lot of luggage."
"Will it be during the day?"
"Several hours overnight. Why...oh. You're concerned it might happen during the flight."
"Kinda. I doubt the other SOLDIERs will wanna see that."
Many of them would. "It is a concern. I could have Dr. Oren put you under sedation, that seemed to work briefly before. Since he'll be on the same transport as us, he can monitor you. And," Angeal smiled, "this way you won't be driven mad by boredom."
"That's right, the doc'll be there. Um...was he the one who woke me up, during...?"
"That was Dr. McCall."
"Good. I'd rather not end up half-done like that in public." Zack mentally slapped himself. Since when did he joke about sex with Angeal?
"About that, Zack...about what I did - "
"I told you, it's okay, you just helped me."
"That was my intention, yes, but my actions were inexcusable." Angeal looked at him seriously, almost distantly. "I can only promise you that such an occurrence will not be repeated."
I'll cut off my arm before I reach for you like that again and pretend none of it's for me.
"I trust you, Angeal." 'Trust' stuck in his throat, like he wanted to use another word.
azazaza
Sephiroth was being childish, and he knew it, he couldn't fail to recognize such a rare and unpleasant behavior in himself. As general, he should be at the transport pad, lending strength to the departing SOLDIERs with his strong presence. He should be saying another goodbye to Angeal and Zack, acknowledge the simple truth that he was going to miss them. Instead he was once more pacing about his office, Lazard filling up one side of his mind and Genesis the other. People were said to have an angel and a devil on either shoulder...what was appropriate for a demon? All of these words had been applied to Sephiroth before; none of them quite fit the two lovers he was between.
Sephiroth had been learning how to be human for years, observing and experimenting with what most people seemed to know instinctively. And learning was a kind of taking. He had used fellow SOLDIERs (albeit very willing ones) to figure out sex, used the bodies of enemies to perfect killing, made Genesis and Angeal's happy human duo a trio without thinking how it might impact them. They loved him, no doubt, but if not for him...maybe they would've stayed together.
Sephiroth scowled at his reflection in Masamune, hung with deserved reverence in its place on the wall. Pitying myself now? Lazard's influence, no doubt. But it wasn't Lazard he was angry at. It was the thought that Genesis had once been happy in monogamy, that Lazard would surely be so, that that was the human ideal...it was himself, for having taken both their hearts and still holding his own. All Sephiroth's life, he had been excused incorrect behavior when he hadn't known any better.
But he knew now. Both Genesis and Lazard loved him. Both wanted him. And the human thing to do would be to pick just one.
Just one. To be human. To finally make one of them happy. And the other... Poring over their files, making lists of character traits, trying to assess who was likely to take it hardest...cold, hard facts weren't helping at all. The logic he'd worn like a shield since childhood was failing when he needed it most.
Loud, ungentle footsteps broke his gloomy reverie. Who on Gaia would enter and rush through the outer office without permission? Lazard was too proper, Genesis not home yet...ah. Heedless of the proper channels required to reach this room, Zack Fair opened the door and poked his head in, looking like he'd run non-stop all the way from the departure site.
"Zack? Shouldn't you be with your group?"
"I know, I know, I was in my seat and Dr. Oren had that huge needle out already, but I realized I could ask you now, before I leave, and maybe not die of embarrassment, although you might kill me. Just don't tie me up, 'kay? Angeal thinks I just forgot something."
Thinking that 'huge needle' was probably just what Zack needed, Sephiroth gestured him in anyway. "I am not going to kill you. What do you wish to ask?"
For a second he thought the boy might clam up in his presence as so many did, but Zack really was desperate, and had not feared him for years. "What do you do if you think you love someone?"
"Excuse me?"
"Well, if you never thought about it before 'cause you're an idiot - me, not you - and then one day it kinda hits you like a full-grown chocobo and you know he'd never feel the same way and you need a way of living with it that won't mess anything up or make it feel like you're lying every day. And on top of that you're supposed to be fated to be with someone else like in those manga that Genesis says aren't smutty enough, and love doesn't work the way you want to, does it? Two people who know each other already aren't gonna suddenly wake up and be in love, even if one already has..." Pausing to breathe, Zack giggled hysterically, and continued to look shattered. "What am I talking about? You've never had anyone not feel the same way."
The general carefully took hold of Zack's shoulders and eased him down into a chair. "Zack, I'm not sure I'm the right - "
"You are, really! I mean...uh..."
"Zack?"
The boy whispered what sounded like "Angeal's gonna kill me."
"Angeal is not going to kill you, nor will I. Please try to speak clearly."
"I meant...you love two people, right, and they haven't even killed each other, so they must be happy the way the things are. I like the way things are too and I know he wouldn't hate me if he knew, but he would feel horrible and I don't want that. And it's so sudden, he'd say I'm just confused or scared of everything but him but it's not sudden, not really, 'cause everything makes sense now, except that I like the shoorei thing too, but I wouldn't have given it up before and I would now, if I could be with him instead. I can't tell him but I'll fall apart holding this in forever, please tell me what to do."
Sephiroth blinked at him in shock and alarm. "Zack, would you like me to get Angeal?"
"NOOO!" Clearly he had said the wrong thing. Luckily, Sephiroth had gotten used to Zack enough that he immediately recognized the difference between a glomp and an attack. "Please don't, please."
Now the general was really worried. Zack knew that there were some people one just did not hug, and yet there he was, clinging to his most superior officer like a squid and burying his face in a famous leather coat. Sephiroth stood with arms splayed for a few frozen moments, thinking that this was beyond him, he should call Medical, he should definitely call Angeal...but even he was vulnerable to the Puppy's sadness, even if he didn't understand it. Not knowing what else to do, he folded his arms around Zack and robotically patted his back.
"I'm really sorry, Sephiroth." No tears by the sound of it, but too much inhalation, not enough exhalation. He jabbed the most convenient pressure point, and Zack sank further into him like a man totally given over to despair.
"It is all right. But I'm still not certain what you are asking, and why me."
"'Cause you're so good at making people happy, and I trust you. You'd still love Genesis and Lazard even if they didn't love you - "
What? Would I? What does that matter?
" - and that means you really love them, selflessly, and I wanna be like that too. I just need to know how to do that, if I should tell him, if I should keep it a secret - "
"Tell who?" There was only one person Zack spoke of so much, with so much reverence. "Angeal?"
"Yeah." Even the general's ear barely caught the tiny voice.
"Are you telling me you love Angeal, Zack?"
"I'm so stupid. He was there all this time, and even when I didn't feel anything for anyone, I wanted him there, I didn't need anyone else. I know he doesn't feel the same, he'll hand me over to whoever the shoorei really is but I don't care about fate, I don't want it anymore. I'd rather never be touched again if it can't be him."
Lazard had been right about Sephiroth's empathy, his capacity to hurt on behalf of those he was fond of. Zack's pain was towering over his own problems of the heart, crushing him with its weight and his inability to dispose of it. The boy was really crying now, bringing out instincts the legend hadn't known he possessed. Sephiroth hugged the smaller body protectively as he'd seen Angeal and Genesis do, let Zack shake him with muffled sobs, pet the messy hair that felt pleasant to his fingers.
A memory burst out of the distressed chaos inside Sephiroth, a long-forgotten recollection of being very small, too young to walk, and crying in hysterics. The grown-ups in white didn't know what to do, the strange baby had never cried before. A flurry of movement, halted by Hojo's shrill voice, but then someone was picking him up, the man who carried soft toys instead of needles. Big arms, not clinical and restraining and not lab-coat white, but soft material and gentleness, and humming that became a kind voice, its quiet rising above the bad man's complaints.
"It's all right, Sephiroth, it will be okay."
Movement, not to a table under bright lights or to the hated bath, not to anywhere, just back and forth, swaying in a rhythm that hypnotized the baby into quiet. The man's warmth slowly spread to the pale infant's cool body, the man's heartbeat a lullaby in a world of whirring machines and dead silence. Sephiroth's chest seized up in pain at the assault of this memory, this proof he had once welcomed the comfort of being held, the words that Lazard and Genesis had echoed as though they'd sensed the ghost of that distressed child Sephiroth had forgotten.
The baby's wailing faded, but the terrible sound of sobbing remained. Without thinking on what he did, Sephiroth easily lifted Zack up into his arms and sat down on the conveniently-clear front of his desk. Zack's only reaction to this was a questioning shift, but the arms and chest and lap supporting him must have felt safe, because he hugged Sephiroth around the neck and continued to gasp noises of hopelessness. Still not really thinking, Sephiroth rocked him gently, and it seemed to soothe Zack as it had once soothed him.
"It will be okay, Zack." A gentle pat of his raven hair. "I wish I could tell you how...but you've misunderstood me. If I am truly making Lazard and Genesis happy, it is through no conscious effort of my own. And I would not call what I feel for them selfless. They give far more than I can."
A sniffle. "You really believe that, don't you? Just 'cause there's one of you and two of them?"
Sephiroth wasn't sure how to respond to that. The way Zack hugged him had changed slightly; the boy even dared to tug his head further down, so it rested against his own. This made Sephiroth recall something Angeal had said to him once, that Zack was always trying to make other people feel better regardless of his own well-being. Zack also wiggled a little, maybe starting to realize he was being cradled like a child, but Sephiroth didn't feel ready to let go.
"You're happy with them, and them with you, right?" the boy went on. "You're lucky...a lot of people...don't..."
This time, when the sobbing started up, the general at least felt a bit more prepared. "Angeal loves you very much. More than anything, I feel quite certain."
"But not the way I...gods, I can't tell him. He'll think he corrupted me or something, he'll give me away to someone else - "
"No, no he wouldn't."
"What do I do?" Zack wept. "How do I make it stop hurting?"
Gaia, this gift of love is a cruel one. "If it pains you to be near Angeal, I could re-assign you, just temporarily, to Genesis or Hathaway."
"I can't be away from him, I need to at least be with him..."
Zack's hair smelled sweetly floral, Sephiroth noticed. It was quite nice to experience; no wonder Genesis and Lazard were so fixated on his own hair. "You couldn't bring yourself to sublimate these feelings into casual sex with colleagues, I suppose."
"Don't want anyone else."
If Genesis were here, he would know what to say. "If you are sure you cannot tell Angeal what you feel, Puppy," he said, using the nickname as he did every now and then, "then perhaps time will make this ache easier to bear. Perhaps you will meet someone else, though the idea of that is distasteful to you now."
Zack let out a long, slow sigh. He had calmed, at least, even if he wasn't comforted. Now Sephiroth set him down on his feet and cupped the wet face in his hands, gently wiping away tears with his thumbs. When Sephiroth had finished this he drew the boy into another hug, and it was much easier and more natural this time to do this human thing. Sephiroth, the icy legend, was somehow cuddling to his chest a boy he'd known only a few years, and even enjoying it, only wishing he could do more for this child of whom they'd all grown so fond.
They heard nothing, distracted as they were, until the door to this room roughly opened and Angeal was standing there, in panic asking if Sephiroth had seen... His voice died at the same time that worry faded from his face and left a steely, dull blank. Rather than leap apart at the noise of his entering, Zack had instinctively cowered closer to the nearest safe body, and Sephiroth's arms, in a similar impulse, hugged Zack more tightly. When they saw who had interrupted, the two eased themselves apart and looked at Angeal with what the commander, in a moment of anything but logic, saw as guilt.
"Zack," he said in a dry voice, "we've been waiting."
"Sorry, I'm really sorry, Angeal, I just, uh - "
"Why are your eyes wet?"
A rare flash of genius that came from his instincts, not his mind, made Sephiroth answer for him. "Fair needed to vent a little stress before departing and didn't want to worry you, Angeal, so he came to speak to me. I believe he's all right now."
"Zack?"
"I'm fine. Sorry, sir."
"It's all right, Puppy. Head back, I'll follow you."
With a soft "Bye, Sephiroth", Zack went as quickly as he could, sensing Angeal really wanted him out of that room, though he couldn't imagine why. Crap, I was gone too long, he must've been worried...but he wouldn't get mad at Sephiroth for that...
"Did you touch him?" Angeal's expression had gone from gentle to battle-ready once Zack was out of sight. Sephiroth cocked his head at the bizarre image - Angeal angry, at him?
"Your student is stressed from recent events. Worried about Genesis, worried for the SOLDIERs, worried for you. Isn't it appropriate to hug someone you care for when he is crying?"
"Only hugged? That's all?"
If anyone else had spoken to him in that tone, Sephiroth would have begun his descent into the colder part of his personality, where there was little progress toward humanity and anyone could be a threat, anyone could suddenly turn on him with sword or needles or restraining hands. But this was Angeal. He had earned enough trust to glare and stand in that want-to-attack posture. More than anything, more even than his curiosity, Sephiroth felt unwell to be treated like an enemy.
"Angeal, what is it you think I've done?"
"...nothing." The anger on his face broke apart, and Angeal rubbed at his forehead. "I'm sorry, Seph, I'm truly sorry. I would never think that of you. I just...warning bells go off in my head when I see him so close to another body."
Sephiroth thought for a moment. "I believe I understand."
"I'm not jealous," Angeal said suddenly.
"I did not say you were."
"I just - "
"You don't want anyone but yourself to touch the boy. Yes, I understand."
Angeal's muscles visibly tensed. "It's not - "
"You can trust yourself, after all, not to harm Zack, but recent and past incidents have made you wary of other people's intentions toward him. Am I correct?"
"...yes, of course." Angeal exhaled. "But I trust you. Totally."
"Thank you. For the record, Angeal..." Here the ethereal face took on the darkness of a fallen angel. "I find those who prey on the weak and unwilling to be worthy of death without mercy."
"Seph, are you sure you - "
The shadow lifted, the angel still exuded the pure light of an unstained heaven, and Sephiroth laughed dryly. "Yes, I am sure. Employees who stared too much were always fired. Before I could fight, I was able to fight back. And surely you remember what happened to the Koibito who tried."
He did, it was difficult to forget so jarring an image as a pile of severed arms. "And Hojo?" It was the one person he'd feared to ask about.
"He is still alive, is he not?"
Angeal was approaching; his friends always did the same thing after this conversation. At least Angeal was hugging him like an equal, not trying to cradle him like Lazard had...though it had felt oddly safe. The silver-haired baby soothed by Gast's rocking flashed in his memory again. Maybe it was not so odd.
"I'm really sorry about before."
"It is forgotten. Go, Angeal. Be safe, and keep our young mascot so."
"I'll see Genesis for a few moments before he returns. Is there anything you want me to tell him?"
A thoughtful silence, tenser than quiet usually was with Sephiroth. "What would you tell him, if you were me?"
"Nothing. He already knows."
Through the sharp pulsing in his chest, Sephiroth smiled faintly. "Tell him I have tickets for Loveless."
azazaza
"Puppy!" Genesis was normally quite conscious of his dignity and proud of his regal bearing, but then Zack had a strong effect on most people. "You look half-dead, did I miss an orgy?"
"He was sedated for the flight, Gen." Still embarrassed for his accusation of Sephiroth, Angeal forced himself not to intervene as Genesis lifted Zack up and hugged him like a cherished doll. "Be careful."
"I missed you too, Genesis," a voice muffled by leather laughed.
Genesis kissed the boy's cheek and happily nuzzled his soft hair, unconcerned that there were SOLDIERs and pilots all around. His reputation as a physically affectionate sensualist was well known. Even when he broke the hug he merely held Zack to rest against his shoulder and yanked Angeal closer by his collar to give him a closed-mouth but loving kiss. Someone nearby catcalled, Angeal playfully smacked his old friend's head, and a tiny piece of Zack's heart died.
"Save it for Sephiroth, Gen."
"Oh, General Sexy will be getting a major workout the second I get back. But...I wish I could see you two a little longer."
Angeal squeezed his shoulder. "I'm sure you'll visit to check on our progress."
"Your progress, yes," the elder said with a mischievous smile. "The residence they have ready for you is quite cozy. I left some manga there that you might find helpful." You know, 'Geal, pretty young things with hot bodies and big eyes, though you could have the real thing, you dunce.
"Give me my student back, Gen."
"I'm not luggage, ya know."
azazaza
Angeal had expected (and been perfectly fine with) the simplest and crudest barracks possible, its only function to shelter the thirty SOLDIERs who would, for security reasons, be lodged separately from the Wutaian army. He had underestimated Godo's eagerness to please his new allies. Very quickly, a large and long-unused stone temple had been renovated into fifteen plain but comfortable apartments. Looking at the slightly eerie old building, Zack turned to a new friend who had traveled with them and asked "Is this okay? Won't the gods be angry?"
The kenjin, leaning on his staff and breathing in the air of his homeland, smiled. "Not as long as you don't urinate on the shrines."
Zack couldn't think of an answer to that. A member of the army who had been welcoming Angeal respectfully greeted the kenjin and offered to show him to the private hut they had constructed for him. Alone with Zack for a moment, taking a break from directing the SOLDIERs as they moved themselves in, Angeal gathered the boy to his side and gave him a light squeeze. Zack's apparent stress before they'd left ShinRa had made Angeal decide not to restrict touching between them in any way while here, no matter what people might think of how they comforted each other. The commander had already had to explain to a few well-meaning natives that Zack was his student, not his lover.
A part of him wanted to let them all continue with their original assumption. No one had set off Angeal's alarm bells yet, but he still didn't like the number of appreciative looks Zack was getting. During the long flight, the kenjin - who seemed to have cheerfully adopted the teacher and student - warned Angeal that Zack's age would not be a deterrent here. In Wutai it was very common to see considerable age differences between partners.
"If you're so worried," the old man had chuckled, "why not let people think you are lovers, as they will anyway?"
"That would defeat the purpose of bringing Zack here, wouldn't it? We're supposed to find the one he's meant to be with, the one who gave rise to the shoorei."
"Hmm, yes."
"How will we know who it is?"
"Zack will know."
"What, on sight?"
"It's different for everyone," the kenjin had said vaguely. "But Zack will know, and once he accepts the person for what he is, what they are, the shoorei should disappear."
And maybe Zack will finally be happy with a real person, Angeal thought now, resting his chin on the boy's hair. "Are you all right, Zack?"
"Uh-huh. Not falling over yet, at least. So what do we do first?"
"Well, unpacking can wait...why don't you go to our quarters and get some rest?" The pout Angeal received made clear Zack's feelings about that idea. "I know you want to help, but you've got to be careful, Pup."
"C'mon, I can handle carrying stuff into the barracks."
"All right. Lieutenant Hunter?"
Declan shared a smile with Zack as he approached before saluting. "Commander, sir."
"Zack's going to give you a hand. I'm trusting you to make sure he doesn't push himself too much."
"Hey!"
Declan grinned. "Yes, sir."
"You're both being mean 'cause I'm too tired to fight back," Zack grumbled. "I don't like either of you."
Angeal merely laughed, pet the boy's hair and reluctantly pulled himself away to attend to his other duties. Zack brightened up a bit once he and Declan got to work, comforted by action as always. And keeping their hands busy helped both boys relax in each other's presence, both less bothered by their accidental make-out session than they'd expected to be. It was a cool, sunny day in this cleared area surrounded by forests and fields, and everyone seemed upbeat, many SOLDIERs stopping to ask Zack how he felt or ruffle his spikes.
"Did you know I'm in the apartment right to the left of you and the commander?" Declan asked.
"Really? Cool. Who're you rooming with?"
"Everett," Declan said, naming a 2nd of about his own age who had always been friendly to Zack. "Everyone else on the top floor are older guys. All the biggest, toughest 2nds who are about to become 1sts. Did you notice?"
"Huh?"
"And you're right in the middle of them," Declan laughed. "You don't have neighbors, Zack, you have a whole floor of bodyguards. I should thank Commander Hewley for including me."
"That Angeal..."
"It's sweet."
"You're really okay being here?"
Declan stood up from settling down the large box they'd lugged over and grinned. "Yes. We're friends, right? And during this mission we'll have more chances to hang out than in Midgar."
"If Angeal doesn't find a tower to lock me in," Zack half-joked.
Yeah, Zacky, that'll surely end up in the next story.
Angeal: ::looks thoughtful::
Zack: "Stop giving him ideas!"
Angeal: "Hmm, a tower..."
In the next installment - Zack is wasted, Angeal is predictable and Lazard is molesting a desk chair. I am completely serious.
TBC...
