Disclaimer: Certain events in this chapter are referred to in book 5, and Fred's line about rat droppings is something I sadly can't take any credit for :)
a/n Thanks for the reviews! I can't really show Tonks point of view completely as this is all in the first person, but I will try and show how she feels through Lupin's interpretation of her actions.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
A Bitter Reality
"How about these for Harry?" Sirius said, jabbing his wand at an advert for a set of advanced defensive magic books. As I had next to no money, I had gratefully accepted Sirius's offer to pitch in together for our friends' Christmas presents. As Sirius was still bored out of his mind and stuck in the confines of Grimmauld Place, he had enthusiastically taken on the task of carefully selecting gifts out of the Daily Prophet Christmas mail order service, and so the arrangement was working out well for both of us.
"They'll help him with his defense group!" Sirius added.
"Keep your voice down," I murmured, for Molly was somewhere in the house, and I knew that she still had no idea that Harry, Ron, Hermione, and likely Fred, George and Ginny too were involved in an illegal defence against the dark arts group, despite the dire warning that Sirius had faithfully relayed to her children when he had gone to speak to them via the fire in the Gryffindor common room. After finding out that they were still going through with the idea in spite of Umbridge's decrees, we had very determinedly avoided confirming the truth to the other Order members (except for Tonks, who had been so enthusiastic about the students "getting their own back" that we hadn't been able to help but confide in her).
"Tonks would love these," Sirius said, breaking into my thoughts just as I was starting one of my fairly frequent daydreams about her and wondering when we would next be paired up together for Order work. He had returned to searching the adverts and was pointing to a picture of some psychedelic, vibrant dress robes, which were indeed very much Tonks' style. "Or did you want to get her something special yourself?" he added, with his usual smirk.
"Oh shut up." I swore at him under my breath as I tried to get back to reading my book. I wouldn't normally have been anywhere near as irritable, but the full moon was that very evening and, even though my transformations were still being kept at bay, because Sirius had insisted on giving me the money to purchase the Wolfsbane potion, I was feeling ill at the thought. I did not need to be pestered about Tonks at the time that was the most poignant reminder of why I would never be able to have a normal relationship.
"Sorry," Sirius raised his eyebrows in slight surprise at my unusually crude reaction and seemed to realise he was in dangerous territory. Sadly, this had never prevented him from speaking his mind before, and nor did it now. "Seriously though, you do really like her, don't you?"
Despite his crafty comments, it was the first time he had asked me directly about it and his forthrightness caught me off guard. It had been a good many years since we had discussed any sort of feelings for girls. Even then, it had almost always been his that had been the interesting topic of conversation, and the exchange had rarely progressed beyond Sirius saying how attractive someone was and me asking dryly whether this one would last more than a week. He was looking at me quite intently, and I did consider confiding in him, because I knew that in spite of his jokes he would probably have some decent advice if I asked for it, but then I decided there wasn't much point. I knew I couldn't be with Tonks and no amount of bracing advice would ever be able to change that.
"Of course I like her, she's a good friend." I said at last.
"Right," Sirius said sarcastically. "Friends. Ok." I gave him a dark look, and he raised his eyes skyward.
"Fine," he said. "All right, I won't go on about it, but I know perfectly well that's not true, so can I just say one thing?"
"I have a feeling you're going to anyway," I sighed resignedly, and waited as patiently as I could for Sirius to deliver his speech so I could get on with my denial in peace.
Sirius just grinned and went on, "She likes you. It's so bloody obvious, she not exactly one for subtlety-"
"Yes, well that seems to be a family trait," I interjected pointedly, but Sirius disregarded this. "Well, she does! And I know you well enough to know that you feel the same way. So what's the problem?"
He was speaking quite earnestly now, and felt bad for being so touchy because I knew that he only had my best interests at heart. But, as usual, he was failing to grasp the full depth of the issue. "The same problem that there always has been Sirius, that's one of the few things that hasn't changed in the last twenty years, you know," I replied, trying to sound matter of fact but knowing full well that my voice was laced with regret as I spoke.
Sirius looked like he was restraining himself from rolling his eyes again with difficulty. "Ok, I can just about understand you feeling like that with people who don't know about you... but with Tonks? It's not like the whole Mary situation, is it? She knows everything and she couldn't care less."
"I care, Sirius. Plus I'm much too old for her. And anyway," I decided that the best option was to resume my first argument, even if I was fooling no one. "You're wrong, I like her as a friend. Nothing more."
"Sure," Sirius made a disbelieving noise in his throat and I looked at him reproachfully, wishing he would just go back to looking for Christmas presents. "Well, you can't expect me to believe that!" he protested. "I've seen the way you talk to her. And you can hardly say she's not your type, given that she could transform herself into the most beautiful woman in the world in the space of about ten seconds. You couldn't take your eyes off her the other day."
"I thought you weren't going to go on about it," I snapped, something which I instantly felt guilty for, but I still decided I'd had enough of listening to him recite Tonks' good qualities, all of which I was more than aware of, and slamming my book shut, I left the room.
Sirius kept well out of my way until after the full moon, when I was feeling in a much better mood and sincerely regretting my irascibility, but to my great surprise he apologised to me before I could say anything about it.
"Look, I'm sorry. I won't mention it any more, ok?" he said gruffly. "But just think about what I said, yeah?"
I nodded, rather mollified by his unusually apologetic tone but still thinking privately that it would make no difference, yet somehow I did keep reflecting on what he had said over the weeks that followed, and I subsequently started reading into Tonks' behaviour far more than I would have normally done. Had it been wishful thinking on my part that her smile had widened when she saw me enter the meeting room only the other day? Had the hand she placed on my shoulder as she left for work one morning been an entirely friendly gesture, or something more? Did she listen to everyone with such an intent expression in her bright eyes, or was it just me?
Sadly, I had to go up North for a while at the start of December, and so I did not see her at all in the run up to Christmas, but I couldn't help letting her creep more and more regularly into my mind even then. I thought about her pretty much every day, replayed past conversations in my head, and I even, in moments of weakness, found myself wondering if Sirius was right. Could she possibly feel the same way about me as I felt about her?
oOo
On Christmas morning I was sitting in the kitchen with the twins, who were looking particularly festive in bright red and green hand-knitted jumpers, when Molly came in looking tearful. "Christmas owls. They came last night," she murmured, handing me an envelope. My heart leapt as I recognized the neat, round handwriting instantly and eagerly opened the letter. It was written in bright pink ink, and thanked me for mine and Sirius's gift ( which she hadn't yet opened but was sure would be wonderful), told me she hoped I liked my gift from her, said she was looking forward to seeing me again soon and wished me a lovely Christmas day. I read it a couple of times, feeling a secret thrill at the words "looking forward to seeing you," and the "Lots of love, Tonks," that she had signed off with, and thinking that this was probably going to be one of the most enjoyable Christmases I'd had for a while. I had spent it alone the previous year and as the Christmas before had unfortunately fallen on the full moon, I had not been able to appreciate the festivities at Hogwarts.
I was about to start my third reading of the letter when I became aware that Molly, who had sat down at the table next to me, was extremely upset. Percy, still refusing to talk to any of his family, had sent back his own bright Christmas jumper unopened and unacknowledged, and I couldn't help feeling that the twins' efforts to cheer their mother up were not going down brilliantly.
"Come on Mum, he was always the worst one anyway!" George was saying. "You've still got us!"
"Yeah, be grateful that you have six other children who aren't humongous piles of rat droppings!" Fred went on, but Molly just put her face in her hands and gave a muffled sob.
"Fred, George," I said quietly. "Maybe you should go and see if Harry and Ron are awake."
They took the hint, and I turned to Molly sympathetically as they left the room, putting what I hoped was a comforting hand on her shoulder. "Please don't be upset," I said gently. "I know family arguments are horrible, but things normally work out in the end!" I suddenly had a fleeting memory of a time when I had sat next to another kindly redhead and done my best to give her some words of wisdom on a family problem. Remembering that my advice to Lily had been fairly well received back then, I decided to give Molly some similar encouragement, telling her that I was sure that Percy would come round with time when he realised how much they all meant to him, and that she should just persevere gently and keep sending him news without going over the top. Eventually she seemed a little heartened by my words, looking up and drying her eyes with a loud sniff.
"Who's your letter from?" she enquired with a watery attempt at a smile as I handed her a tissue.
"Tonks," I said, trying to sound casual but knowing my face had brightened as I said it. Molly looked both intrigued and delighted as she raised her eyebrows. "Just to say Merry Christmas," I added with a shrug, but I knew the half suppressed smile was still playing on my mouth and Molly had seen it, because she now looked much happier than she had before.
"She's very fond of you, you know," she said softly, giving me a knowing look that was uncannily like the one that Sirius was fond of bestowing on me.
I was thankfully saved the necessity of replying as she suddenly realised that the breakfast was burning and got up hastily to tend to it, but I pondered the meaning of these words for most of the day. I did not tell anyone else about the letter, not even Sirius, but I did think back to what he had said the previous month, not only wondering if he was right, but also firmly considering the possibilities that would offer for the first time. For once, I couldn't see any reason why Tonks shouldn't like me as more than a friend. And perhaps it was simply the festive atmosphere, or the pleasant company that I had missed over the past three weeks, or the many glasses of wine that an unusually jolly Sirius kept pouring me over Christmas dinner, but even the argument that I couldn't be with her, regardless of how she felt, was seeming a lot weaker than it had ever done before.
oOo
My mind was still overwhelmed with this new, exciting possibility as I accompanied everyone on their visit to see Arthur Weasley in St Mungo's, but the sight of him sitting up cheerfully in his bed as he opened his presents did distract me from my self-absorption a little. I had not seen him since his accident at the Ministry of Magic, but having heard how bad it had been, I was relieved to see that he was looking well, despite his recent attempt at "muggle remedies". I knew quite a bit about stitches, and was mildly intrigued by their usage on a magical wound, but the feeling was clearly not shared by Molly, and the rest of us made a hasty retreat as her rage began.
The younger ones darted off to the tearoom, but I made my way to the other side of the ward, hoping to talk to the thin, young man in the end bed, who I knew had been bitten by a werewolf. I felt especially sorry that he was alone on Christmas Day, an experience that I could relate to only too well, and I was vaguely thinking that I might be able to share some of my unusually high spirits with him. He was staring mournfully up at the ceiling and glanced round without much interest as I approached.
"Merry Christmas," I said.
He merely looked me up and down and half raised an eyebrow.
"Arthur told me about your bite," I persevered, not entirely sure what I was going to say, but wanting to express sympathy and understanding to the young man who, currently good-looking and healthy, would from now on likely be condemned to a lifetime of prejudice and unkind treatment. Not that I was planning on saying that to him, of course.
"What's it to you?" he asked shortly.
I hesitated, but reasoned that no harm could really come of telling him that I was also a werewolf. In fact, I had a feeling that my job in the next few months would likely involve trying to convince some of the other werewolves to join our side. I might as well start with one who had only just been infected and thus had not had a chance to be tainted with prejudice. And so I told him how I'd been bitten as a child and had had this condition my entire life, attempting to reassure him by saying that the Wolfsbane potion had made my life a lot easier in the last few years. He didn't look any happier, merely scornful.
"Right," he said, and I could hear the slightly sarcastic tone behind the outward politeness he was trying to show to someone he had only just met. "So you lead a perfectly normal life do you? Got a nice home, decent job, steady income?"
"I-" I faltered. I didn't have any of these, of course, and I suspected that he knew that quite well, because he was regarding my hesitation with a grim look in his eyes.
"Suppose you've got a woman too?" he went on lightly. "A nice steady girlfriend who conveniently overlooks the fact that you turn into a monster every month?"
Still, I didn't say anything, but his words were like a knife in my gut. Some form of emotion must have shown on my face, because the man's scorn faded instantly and he went back to staring at the ceiling, looked highly embarrassed.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "I didn't mean to be rude. And it's none of my business, of course. It's just been a bit of a shock, you see."
I did see. I had suffered enough over the past thirty years to understand completely why he was so upset, and so I didn't even have the heart to resent him for his words, but as I murmured something about being sure that times had changed and that it would be different for him and made my way back to Arthur Weasley's bed, the elation I had been feeling since that morning had evaporated. My bubble of hope that maybe, just maybe something could actually happen between myself and Tonks had been burst by the man's few words. What had I been thinking? Of course such a young, spirited, carefree woman would not be interested in someone like myself. How could I have been so ridiculous as to even entertain the thought that she might be?
"Did he give you a hard time?" Arthur asked, looking sympathetic as I made my way back towards them. Molly was still mumbling her indignation at Arthur's "meddling" with stitches, but as she glanced over towards me her annoyance seemed to fade, and I realised that I must be looking pretty miserable. I hastily fixed a smile on my face.
"No more than expected," I shrugged. I was certainly not going to go into how the man's few words had annihilated my rare moment of self esteem that day.
"Well, don't take it personally, he's been snapping at everyone since he came in," Arthur assured me. "The bite is unfortunate, of course," he added, giving me an understanding sort of smile.
Unfortunate. That was another word I had heard many a time over the years. Unfortunately I wasn't suitable for such and such a job. Unfortunately my employer would have to let me go. "It is very unfortunate," Snape had said, after "accidentally" letting my secret slip to the entire school. Unfortunate that I had had to leave Hogwarts, that it was impossible for me to get another position, that I now had barely a penny to my name. Unfortunate that I had fallen painfully hard for a woman with whom I had no chance whatsoever. And why? All because of a pair of teeth piercing my flesh when I was a boy. Arthur couldn't really have put it more succinctly if he'd tried.
"Yes," I agreed, smiling sadly back at him. "Very unfortunate."
oOo
"You all right?" Sirius asked me abruptly, cornering me on the stairs after I had excused myself from the Christmas celebrations that were taking place that evening over mulled wine, mince pies and some carol singing. I had tried my best to join in, but the conversation with the werewolf in St Mungos was still replaying in my mind and I had very quickly lost heart. Sirius, as usual, had not been fooled by the cheery face I had put on as I had said goodnight, but I merely nodded in response to his concerned question. I had no desire to share the humiliating journey that my emotions had been on that day. "Just tired," I assured him.
Sirius still looked fairly suspicious, which was understandable, given that I had had several good night's sleep since my latest expedition and the full moon wasn't for another ten days, but for once he did not pester me, merely continued to narrow his eyes as I turned away and made my way up to my room.
Tonks' letter from that morning was still lying on my dressing table, and after getting ready for bed I took it up and read it one more time, remembering how happy it had made me just a few hours before. But rereading it didn't inspire same the rush of joy it had that morning. The words were the same, of course, just as kind, the message just as sincere, the Christmas greetings just as heartfelt, and the Lots of Love, Tonks just as affectionate. But I could now see it for what it really was. A letter from a friend. A very good friend. But nothing more.
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