Characters:
Arthur 'England' Kirkland (Irish Stu)
Jett 'Australia' Kirkland
Francis 'France' Bonnefoy
Alfred F. 'America' Jones (batman with a little 'b')
(Detective Inspector) Matthew 'Canada' Williams

Pairings: mentioned FrUK, suggested USUK, mentioned Franada


"Knock, knock!" Arthur says, leaning on Jett's shoulder, a stupid grin splitting his face.

"Who's there?" Jett retorts dully.

"Irish Stu."

"Oh, hi Stu!" Jett shakes Arthur's hand, "Come on in, it's been a while. What brings you around this way?"

"Uh…" Arthur just stares.

"Just passing by, huh? Cool, cool, just as long as Francis didn't kick you out again, eh?"

Arthur gapes, unsure how to react, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

Jett's eyes widen overdramatically, "Oh shit, he did? Mate, I am so sorry, I was just kidding. What the hell happened?"

"For God's sake, Jett, I'm just trying to tell a joke!"

The door rattles violently as a certain burger-muncher hammers on it, hollering "Knock, knock!" through the vibrating wood.

"Wait a second, Stu," Jett says, sitting an annoyed Arthur down, "I think I hear someone at the door. I'll go get rid of them, I'm sure it's just a salesman." He opens the door, to reveal Alfred in a full Batman costume, "Hello, can I help you?"

"I'm batman." Alfred points to the insignia on his chest.

"Don't bloody encourage this joke, Alfred!" Arthur snaps, pointing angrily at his ex-colony.

"Crikey! It's the caped crusader!" Jett exclaims, "What are you doing here?"

"Im not the caped crusader; I'm batman, with a little 'b'," Alfred answers, "I'm here to get rid of your bats."

"Oh, I see," Jett nods, finally allowing Alfred into the room, "Still, it seems weird you'd show up in a bat costume if you're only pest control. I mean, you don't see regular exterminators fumigate houses dressed like giant wood lice."

"I swear to God, you two!" Arthur fumes aloud, "Alfred's terrified of bats anyways!"

"Alright, you've got me," Alfred hangs his hand, "I'm not pest control. I'm here to see Stu."

"Stu?" Jett addresses Arthur, the slight splutter in his voice the only thing giving away his supressed laughter, "Do you know this guy, Stu?"

"Why are you crying, Stu?" Alfred approaches Arthur slowly, his expression soft, "Did you do it? Did you finally leave him?"

"Wait a second! Are you two…?" Jett points from one to the other and back, silent giggles shaking his toned body.

"Yes," Alfred's hands reach out to wrap around Arthur's, "We're lovers."

"Seriously, both of you, fuck off!" Arthur snaps, snatching his hands back.

"Well, that explains why Francis kicked you out," Jett says, "Doesn't really explain the Batman costume, though."

"Little 'b', and take it up with head office," Alfred says quickly, then takes Arthur's irritated face between his gun-roughed hands, "Stu, I know you're hurting right now, but this what we wanted. With Francis gone, we can finally be together."

Matthew appears at the still-open door, dressed in a red police uniform and black sunglasses, and knocks on the doorframe, "Knock, knock!"

"For heaven's sake, who is this now!" Jett exclaims.

"For fuck's sake!" Arthur growls.

"My name is Detective Inspector Williams and I'm investigating a very serious matter. You see," Matthew pauses to dramatically remove his sunglasses, "There's been a murder."

"Oh my God!" Jett presses his hands to his cheeks.

"Fuck off!" Arthur yells.

"But I don't understand, what do you want with me?" Jett asks innocently.

"I'm batman!" Alfred exclaims, "Little 'b'!"

"I'm not here for you or batman-little-'b'," Matthew explains calmly, "I'm here, for your Gaelic friend over there," he points at Arthur.

"I hate you all." Arthur deadpans.

"Stuart, please put your hands where I can see them," Matthew approaches Arthur, producing a pair of handcuffs that, judging by the French flag and rose charms on the links, he's stolen from Francis, "I'm booking you for the bloody murder of your husband, Francis. In other words," he pauses as a grin cracks across his face, "Irish Stu in the name of the law!"


This is actually my first ever story mentioning USUK or Franada. I'm proud.

No, I don't know how Alfred and Matthew knew how to join in on the joke. Let's call it brotherly instinct or something.

The red police uniform and sunglasses thing is a (sort-of) reference to 2p!Canada

Erin O'Murdoch is not amused by this joke.

I don't own Hetalia or the original joke. Or [B/b]atman
-Laurel Silver
-P.S, Happy New Year, hope 2014 is awesome for you all :)