XXIX

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The part of Haruka that could still process rational thought wondered if the news had already spread around the palace. Servants and nobles usually didn't pay him much attention, but as he dragged his feet towards his room they seemed to actively walk out of his way, eyes fixed on his hunched form; not even Sousuke greeted him with his usual glare. Haruka didn't pay him enough attention to discern whether there was pity in his eyes. He couldn't.

The part of Haruka that focused on walking, on keeping moving, wondered what he would do afterwards. It was a difficult question, because he couldn't think of any after. It was as if his life had stopped upon seeing what was left of Ren.

The part of Haruka that still resisted the despair suffocating him wondered where Rin had gone after leaving the room where a doctor tried to help the child.

He didn't mind.

Upon walking into his room, he sat down on the bed. Fixed his gaze on the bedside table. Stood up, closed the window– but he might as well saved his strength, because his clothes smelt of smoke too and his whole being felt too heavy to take them off. He leant his back on the wall, slipping down until he was sitting on the floor. He frowned at his trembling legs.

They'd be useless if I had to kick something, he thought, annoyed.

It was that part of him, again; the one that hadn't succumbed yet. The other was going crazy somewhere in the back of his head, punching and screaming its way out, and Haruka wanted to build yet another wall between the two. He didn't want to lose his mind.

But only dead people have no feelings.

His mother had said it many years ago, when Haruka's sand cat had died during the night. What would she say now? What would she think, knowing her only son had–

It doesn't matter. She's dead.

Not even that thought stirred any kind of feeling within Haruka. Did that mean he was dead, too?

He couldn't tell. The more he tried not to give in to the agony, the emptier he felt. It was as if those two parts were fighting, hurting each other; and breathing became harder as Haruka's tortured mind broke in not two, but thousands of tiny sharp pieces.

Haruka barely reacted when the door opened, aside of hugging his knees. He heard the sharp intake of air, the cautious steps; he saw those golden sandals stop just before him, and then a familiar face lowered until Rin was looking straight into Haruka's eyes.

"So it's true," he muttered. It felt strangely loud in the artificial silence Haruka's selective hearing had created. "Before Sousuke told me I thought–" He sat in front of Haruka. "I supposed you'd stay with them."

Why would I?

"Why are you here, then?"

Haruka wasn't as successful at pretending he hadn't heard Rin as he would have wanted.

"How is Ren?"

Haruka just blinked. He couldn't do anything about those questions; he wouldn't mix the two parts together, no matter how badly the wall broke him.

"Where are they going to stay now? If you need it, I can–"

"In my parents' old house," Haruka replied.

Those wounds were healed enough for him to touch them; it was still painful, it would always be, but he could deal with it. In the end, they had died from an illness, not because–

"I see."

Haruka closed his eyes. The fierce battle within him wasn't as loud with Rin there. Maybe he would even be able to sleep. He liked the idea; unconscious, he wouldn't have to deal with the pain both the wall and the lack of it brought to his heart.

"Haru." Rin placed a hand on his left knee. "Please, say something. Anything."

"Something, anything," Haruka mechanically parroted. Opening his eyes the tiniest bit to see what he was doing, he smacked Rin's hand away, not necessarily angry, just wanting to stop all kind of physical contact. Why had he even thought Rin would make it easier? He never shut up.

Several moments passed before Rin sighed. "Look, I know what you're thinking."

"Do you?"

"It'll be alright. He'll heal, I promise."

Haruka's hands closed into fists. Not because he was furious at Rin, but because the wall between the two parts was getting thinner with each word coming from Rin's lips.

"You don't know."

The Sultan bit his lower lip.

"You're right, but the person who did it has been arrested and won't see the sunlight for a while."

Something within Haruka stirred at Rin's words. He inhaled sharply, noticing a crack in the wall a second too late.

"It was him." It wasn't a question. Haruka forced his lips to form that name, his insides twisting as the wall kept weakening. "Napis."

His voice broke too.

"His name came up, yes," Rin whispered. He frowned. "Are you–"

"He can't see," Haruka blurted out, finally allowing the two halves to meet, surrendering to the storm within his mind. Agony was the least he deserved. "He lost an eye, and the other is damaged–" The memory was enough to shake him whole, and only when he could resume breathing he recognised a sob. "He won't be able to see anymore–"

Haruka didn't realise he was crying when Rin pulled him into a hug. His dazed mind could only register the warmth of the arms draping around him, the soothing noises tangling into his sooty hair. He only noticed the wetness under his face where he kept it buried in Rin's shoulder a few minutes later, and it took him even longer to acknowledge the words that kept slipping between his own lips as the Sultan's hands rubbed calming circles on his back.

"It's all my fault– Ren is in so much pain, and Makoto and Ran have burns too…" They hate me. "He can barely speak–" If I had left when I could– "I d–– I did that to them, I can't go back…" Please, let me stay here. "I should have known…"

Haruka didn't feel any better when he stopped crying. He was shaking as if he had a fever, clinging to Rin, heart hurting in shame and fear; he needed him to understand, to not be disappointed like the Tachibanas had upon hearing his confession. He needed to know Rin wouldn't hate him too.

Yet he didn't move when Rin left him alone in the room, despite the panic the idea of the Sultan not coming back brought; he kept still when Rin came back and walked around carrying different things near the bed. Miraculously he understood and managed to numbly nod at Rin's request, cooperated how little he could to walk and sit on the mattress, helped in taking his clothes off– shivered when the Sultan scrubbed off the soot dirtying his skin with a rather rough sponge.

Rin held Haruka's hand throughout the whole process, occasionally bringing it up to his lips to kiss his knuckles. There was no other intention in the Sultan's movements than cleaning Haruka up, and Haruka almost laughed –an hysterical laughter– when it hit him how he had been at Rin's mercy like that merely hours ago, and how different the situation was now.

How could one's world crumble down so quickly?

Apart from the faint hum gently dancing in the room, Rin worked in silence, speaking only after Haruka was wearing clean clothes and his skin stopped smelling of smoke.

Haruka frowned when the Sultan gathered the towels, the sponge and the bowl with dirty, lukewarm water near the door.

"Why did you do that?"

Rin flinched, as if he were the one whose voice sounded raspy; then turned towards him.

"Because I am the Sultan and I can." He walked to the bed and sat next to Haruka, peeking into his eyes. "Do you feel better?"

Haruka pondered about it. He was still tired, his head still hurt and his heart felt like it had been sliced open; but the smell of smoke was gone and he wanted to think his mind was clearer.

"Yes." He looked at his hands, loosely curled up on his lap. "It wasn't Napis who was caught, was it?"

Rin sighed, then kissed Haruka's forehead.

"Have some rest," he advised. "We'll have plenty of time to talk tomorrow."