Chapter 29: My Diary

Damian's POV

We walk down the hallway. I hold onto the book. Her thoughts are dark. Obviously pained. Not the typical 12 year old you see at school everyday.

Dear Mom.

I miss you. I wish you were here. But maybe it was best that you died. Because, if you were still alive, you would still be suffering, you would be with me on the streets, like homeless rats.

But I'm sorry mom...I couldn't save you from yourself. I couldn't save Nico either. I'm sorry.

I miss you though.

But if you were here right now. You would be disappointed at what I've become. A hopeless child in an orphanage, waiting to die and seeking revenge.

Mom I miss you. There are people in this orphanage, the older girls seem to despise me so much, even if I had only been here for some time...that nearly every night, they'd dunk my head in a basin of water.

But what hurts more, is the beating I give myself every day and every night. The fact that I let my family die. Haunts me, and it will always haunt me, forever.

I'm sorry Mom...I wish I could tell you that I love you...I wish you died knowing that I loved you…

I flip quickly through the pages. "Ouch." I hear Drake mumble.

Then I furrow my eyebrows once I see a tiny bookmark in the middle of two pages. I flip to that page. It is the last thing she writes on this book, even if there are a number of blank pages after this last note.

A/N: READ THIS FIRST!

This is somewhat cold, just warning you, well it's not that cold since it's more of the thoughts of a pre-teen year old. But still, if you don't like thinking about Death. Skip this essay thing. Oh and if you do read this, which you probably will out of curiosity. No flaming and don't think too hard about this. Especially if you're depressed. If you're a suicidal, we are hella warning you...DON'T FREAKING READ THIS NOTE!

Death, something inevitable. Something that we all have to go through at one point in our lives.

Do you know that feeling...that, when you were even just a little kid. Did you ever think. What if I die young? What happens after death? Will it all be oblivion? Just darkness, and nothingness? Or just light, and that's it. Will you see the people you love that have passed away again? Is there even such thing as life after death?

Or will the world turn empty, and will you just stare into space and nothingness. Until slowly, you fade, and cease to exist.

Do you wonder...when you die, and you will die. Do you wonder who would miss you? Who would cry over your body as you are being buried into the ground? Do you wish that you could spend a second on Earth even as a ghost after death, to see your loved ones one last time. As they mourn you?

I always wondered how it is like to die. And what comes after life. Don't you?

But then, I realize as I write this...we are already dying. Slowly. Without even knowing it.

As every second passes, as I write this to whoever is reading this. I realize that with every step each of us take and every movement we all make here on Earth. We are one step closer to death. And we can't do anything about it.

Death is truly inevitable, you cannot stop it, no matter how healthy you try to keep your body. Death will get you, one way or another.

I'm sorry, but it's true, I know you know that. We all do. It just sits at the back of our minds. You may deny this, but someday, you'll realize it too. We are all dying, slowly.

Death is why we are here on Earth, for me, aside from other things like destiny and faith or any of that stuff that many people believe in.

But really...the truth is...

Death is the reason why God created us. We are all born to die.

A/N: The essay has a good point though.

We walk down the hallway as quickly as possible.

The three of us stop in front of her room. I hear some shuffling, some mumbling and a soft wince on the other side of the door.

I take the knob and slowly twist it. Still quite dazed about what I have read, but what she wrote had some truth to it though. "Oh hurry up. Quit making this so dramatic!" Carter pushes me to the side and opens the door.

I scowl but I don't say anything, I simply follow behind her and Drake.

The three of us stand side by side in the doorway.

Cross sits on the edge of the bed. She's holding something in her palm and her sleeves are rolled up for some reason. But then when she sees us, she stands up. She rolls her sleeves down and hides whatever she's holding behind her.

She's wearing a gray long sleeved top and jeans. I caught a glimpse of fear and sadness in her eyes, but then they quickly turn into anger and rage.

Her shoulders tense, her back straightens. She looks different. Mostly because of the darkness surrounding her, but suddenly, I see the rage and anger surrounding her, but that rage and that redness, seem to be mixed with something, a mix of something that I cannot pinpoint, something I haven't seen around her before.

It seems like a shadow of...fear? Regret? Like a shadow of a big mistake is consuming her, inside and out.

No, that cannot be true. I do not think Autumn has ever been afraid of anything, she's too busy being eaten up by her own anger to have a realization that she should be afraid.

She clenches her fists and hardens her jaw, her eyebrows furrow and her eyes harden. They become filled with fire and rage.

For a minute, in the darkness. I see Autumn Cross has disappeared into the shadows and all I see is the soul of The Phoenix.

I blink. Autumn's figure has returned but the ghost of redness and blood still floats beside her, inside her.

I realize now, that it was somewhat a big mistake barging into her room unannounced. But it is quite too late to turn back now.

"What?" She growls unhumanly. We say nothing.

Autumn's eyes swim in rage. "WHAT DO YOU THREE WANT? " She says, trying to hold herself back. I can practically see chains on her arms and feet, slowly breaking and loosening.

We still say nothing. I can't say anything. My throat choking in her rage.

"IF NONE OF YOU WANT ANYTHING." She says so coldly, I remember Phoenix. Her voice, reminding me of Thanos.

"THEN GET OUT!" Her eyes widen as she yells. "NOW!" She glares at each of us, the daggers she glares are sharp, thick, and dripping with blood.

Her eyes seem to be not just swimming in rage, but in tears of anger as well.

"NOW." She threatens. But we stand still.

Drake breaks the silence with the clearing of his throat. He steps forward. "Actually, we do want something." He says. His figure seeming so small compared to Cross' shadow.

"What is it." Her voice as sharp as the tip of my favorite sword.

I step forward and make sure that the book is seen in my hands. She looks at it. I can see some of the rage and darkness flowing out of her eyes. But the fear and the heavy heart doesn't fly away.

She raises her head in realization. But now, she no longer expresses any emotion.

"Where did you get that?" She asks calmly, eyebrows furrowed.

Carter steps forward. "It doesn't matter." Autumn glares at my sister. I can tell she's scanning Chris' eyes.

She lets an evil smirk tug at her lips. "Looks like the princess has been snooping around." Cross mocks and the tension in the air eats us all alive.

"I'M NO PRINCESS." Chris snarls.

"Really?" She slightly leans forward "Little miss 'spoiled brat' here thinks she's no princess." Cross chuckles lightly, so coldly. Her voice is quite deep and epic for a girl her age.

"I wonder why you think that." She leans back and crosses her arms over her chest, still smiling with that sharp glare of hers. "I wonder why you think you're no spoiled b****." She snarls.

"Enough." I say firmly. "We are not here to fight for now. We are here for questions."

Cross continues to furrow her eyebrows. "What?" She points to the thin book, then her arm falls back to her side. "That old thing?" Her voice sounds tough and heavy.

And I spot some kind of wet substance on the sleeves, but I no longer question it.

"What about it?"

"First thing's first." Drake says crossing his arms. "Who is Jake?"

"Why do any of you s***s care? Since when did any of you bastards care about my life?" She glares at me. "I know all of you just want me to die." She growls.

"Maybe we do. Life would be better if you got hit by a bus." Chris retorts.

"You are the enemy." I snarl. "You will always be the enemy. And so, we need to know everything about the enemy."

"That's why you took my diary?" She looks at Carter. "So you can find a way to defeat." She holds her hand up and closes her fist. "And to crush your enemy?" Her arm falls back down. Her eyelids lowering a bit. She shrugs. "Makes sense. You bats and birds are all the same anyways."

"Who. Is. Jake." Drake asks firmly, getting back to the point with as much force as a car running towards a brick wall.

"I marvel at your curiosity." She smirks. "He is a friend. From the past." She growls the word past. "Why? You jealous, Timmy?" She chuckles, enjoying the somewhat confusion in the air. She looks down and shrugs. "Well, why would you be? You don't care anyways." She looks back at us and smiles.

"Jake is simply a friend." She smiles.

I furrow my eyebrows and clutch the diary. "What is the war?" I ask.

She bites her lower lip as she looks at the diary. Got her.

She looks back at me. "I cannot say. But the war. It was death. That is all I can say." A silence.

"Who are you, truly. Autumn?" Drake asks randomly, sounding very serious.

"Damian says you were a worthy opponent and a somewhat friend." I never truly told Drake that, but as painful as I want to admit it. He has a little bit of skills.

"Chris says," He gestures to Carter. "That you are a monster, you are evil." Drake says with a hard voice.

I can feel a static suddenly taking over my mind.

"Honestly, I think you are quiet and empty. But who are you, really?" Drake furrows his brow. This question makes Cross look at the floor.

Then she glares darkly at all of us. "I am The Phoenix. The Phoenix, was born in fire, and bathed in burning ashes. I am The Phoenix. No one. Not the Bat, or any of you birds will take that monstrous nightmare away from me. I am an evil monster. What Christine says is true." She looks down, the darkness covering her eyes.

"If you were born in fire. Then why are you cold?" Drake asks. I never thought he could be deep as well.

I can see a small smile on her mouth, her pearly white teeth showing, but her eyes still covered with shadows.

"Irony. Is gold. I burn people, I light fire. But on the inside, I am frozen. And numb. I feel nothing, my world froze years ago. It took me some time to realize that. But the cold…" Her voice heavy with pain. "The ice it's so cold but, it burns like fire. I was born in icy fire. In dim light. And burning darkness. My beginning, was my end. I've lived my life, walking through darkness, as fire burned me from head to toe, as the cold ice froze my insides. I've lived my life, walking through death." She says, still looking down.

I see a drop of blood drip down her arm. "None of you know what pain truly is. You have never been burned to death by the bright light of the truth. They say that the truth must dazzle gradually, but I spent my whole life. With my eyes burning. With my world becoming empty! None of you would understand even if I explained it slowly! NONE OF YOU KNOW WHAT PAIN IS! BECAUSE NONE OF YOU KNOW MY LIFE!"

My face hardens, the coldness around me takes over and I move forward. Right in front of her. I point at her chest. "YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE? FIGHTING? Going through this s*** called life? I was trained by assassins! COLD HEARTED HUMANS! I lived most of my years trying to make my mother tell me that she loves me. Trying to make my grandfather proud. BUT THEN THEY GAVE ME UP TO MESS WITH MY FATHER! Now, I'm trying to be the best and replace the past Robins! JUST TO MAKE MY FATHER PROUD. But the problem with Batman being your blood father, is that he shows no emotion! YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS GONE THROUGH S***!?" Suddenly, I feel the rage Autumn had with her. I feel like I want to punch her face. I feel a hand on my shoulder but I shrug it off. Autumn looks into my eyes with rage.

She pushes me backwards, I stumble back but I don't fall. "DON'T F***ING TOUCH ME YOU SPOILED RICH KID!" She looks at all of us. "YOU ARE ALL RICH KIDS!"

"None of you know what pain is! You are all spoiled brats that know nothing about life! LIVING YOUR LIVES LIKE PRINCES AND PRINCESSES! You all had a family! YOU ALL HAD EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED! It was all handed to you on a silver platter!"

She yells, looking at all of us. "YOU LIVED YOUR LIVES THE EASY WAY! YOU ARE ALL JUST LYING TO YOURSELVES! THINKING ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE YOUR LIVES ARE! Open your damn eyes! You all lived happy lives!"

"STOP IT!" I can hear Drake's unusually loud voice yell.

He can feel the rage too. I clench my teeth at Autumn. My breathing becoming unusually quicker. I can feel hot tears in my eyes.

Who does she think she is? Thinking that we all had great lives? That we all have a happily ever after?!

"Stop feeling sorry about yourself by telling us that we have lived like kings and queens!" I spit.

"I WAS REPLACED! DO YOU KNOW HOW IT FEELS TO BE REPLACED? TO FAIL YOUR FATHER? WATCH AS HE DIED? THEN BECOMING...something." Drake suddenly gets angry.

His voice lowers. "Becoming Robin...to try and be the best at it. And not just be a cheap Replacement for Dick, for Jason! I didn't have the strength that Dick and Jason had, but I had my wits. I thought that Batman would've been okay with that. But when I came back from a simple mission. I came back to find out that...THAT ONE THING WAS RIPPED AWAY FROM ME AND GIVEN TO SOMEONE ELSE! Right in front of my eyes. You don't know how it feels to be replaced! To feel like...like a cheap knock off, that is easily replaced by...something...possibly better. Don't say that I had the easy way!" Drake yells, clenching his teeth and balling his fists.

I can't see them, but I know that there are hot tears in her eyes. "You've gone through nothing real. It's all in your heads!"

"Shut up! You know nothing about my life!" Drake punches her face and she falls to the floor, she doesn't get up. "You obviously know nothing about me!" Drake yells.

"You all have gone through nothing!" She yells, just sitting beside her bed.

Chris chuckles lightly. "Nothing? NOTHING?! We may not have gone through as much as you, but we certainly haven't gone through NOTHING! Dick's parents fell to their death RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. Both of Tim's parents are DEAD. He saw his father's dead body! Damian was raised by assassins! He didn't exactly have the prince's life! His own mother gave him up! Everyone here has been through a lot of pain and suffering. Definitely not NOTHING."

"And what about you, spoiled princess?" She snarls.

"Compared to everyone else here I got the easy life. I didn't witness my parents' death. I wasn't given up. But I lived my entire life thinking that I didn't have anyone who loved me! My life wasn't as horrible as everyone else's, but it was horrible for me. I had never experienced the level of pain everyone else has, so yea. For me that was horrible. Even though you see it as nothing." She chuckles a little more, her eyes hard and filled with anger. It's unnatural.

"But to see everything we've been through as NOTHING...well, that's bulls***. YOU DON'T KNOW OUR LIVES. HOW CAN YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT OUR LIVES?! Do you know what the worst part of my life is? The moment where I felt the most pain? THE MOMENT I SAW MY ENTIRE FAMILY BLEEDING ON THE FLOOR! The only family I've ever known. The only people who actually CARED for me...were IN PAIN! RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME! And what could I do? NOTHING THAT WOULD'VE GOTTEN RID OF THE SIGHT OR THE PAIN! All I could do was go after you! THE B**** THAT DID THAT TO MY FAMILY! So maybe you're right. I am a spoiled princess who knows nothing about true pain. But I know the hardships of this screwed up world. I've seen what the world really is. I've seen more than what a 14 year old should see. And you? You're just a living example of what this world really is. What this world can do to people. FULL OF PAIN AND ANGER AND SOULLESS!"

Autumn crawls into a ball. Weak…

But the pain of not being cared for is filling me up, I feel like I'm about to explode. I look around the room. It's still dark, with a bit of light coming in. But every one of us, looks broken. I just sit here on the wall, my back just resting on the cold wall.

My arms on the floor as I just look down.

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! STOP IT!" Autumn yells, holding herself. "I DON'T WANT ANYMORE! I DON'T WANT ANYMORE!" What is going on? What is she yelling?

"Just stop! JUST STOP IT!" Her eyes are closed shut as she holds herself.

None of us do anything. Drake just sits on the other side of the wall, in the same position as I am. Carter is in the corner of the room, arms crossed, with a blank face as she looks out the window, ignoring everything else around her.

Autumn is just kneeling on the ground, clutching her head. "STOP IT! STOP IT!" She yells. Suddenly, her clothes catch bright fire, including her hair.

Drake's eyes widen and he leans forward. "Autumn!"

"GO AWAY!" She screams. The fire brightens.

Then the fire suddenly becomes dimer and then goes out. She just lies on the floor, still holding her head in her hands, but she looks as if she's calmed down a bit.

Carter turns her head away from the window and looks down at Autumn. Then she looks up at me.

"We aren't done here."

"We all just started yelling some random s***, and we got answers, but not complete answers. We didn't really get what we actually stepped into this room for. Just some more drama queen action. I don't know about you two, but I'm not leaving until I get some real answers."

I look at the hardened Carter, then down at Autumn, who looks broken down and completely ruined. How are we supposed to get answers out of her?

"We won't get anything else out of her Carter. We should just leave."

"No."

"Chris c'mon. Look at her! She's not going to say anything."

"No."

Drake moves closer to Carter. "Chris. Stop being stubborn. Let's leave her alone."

Carter just stares at him, an emotionless face on. After a few seconds, she speaks again.

"I know we won't get any answers out of her...but we can't leave yet."

"Why not?"

She points to the door just as the handle turns, and Father's large, intimidating figure comes into view.

Bruce's POV

"What is going on in here?" I say in my Batman voice.

I heard a lot of yelling coming from up here, so I came to check it out. When I enter the room, I find Chris pointing at my chest, Tim right in front of her, Damian just staring at me, a book in his hands, and Autumn on the floor, crawled up in a ball, her hair a mess. Looks like she was pulling at it.

"We just wanted to ask Cross some questions."

"About what?"

He's about to say something when Chris throws a glare at him. He closes his mouth. I glare at Chris. She just glares back at me. We glare at each other until Tim steps in between us.

"Can we not do this here? I think Autumn needs some time alone." He looks back at her. She has her head bowed and her face in her hands.

"Fine." I say gruffly. "Autumn, I will talk to you tomorrow." I usher my children out of her room. Damian just stares straight ahead with an emotionless face on, Tim looks back at Autumn with a look of...pity? And Chris just looks angry as she exits the room. The last thing I see is Autumn's head moving slightly upward as I close the door to her room.

"What. Happened." I narrow my eyes.

The three of them just look at each other. Suddenly, Chris violently grabs the book from Damian and hands it to me without making eye contact. I take the book from her and stare at it's cover. My Diary. Whose diary is it? It can't be Damian's or Tim's, so it's either Chris' or Autumn's. But why would they be in Autumn's room? Maybe she stole it from Chris'? Or maybe it's the other way around.

I open the book and flip through it, scanning every page and catching only a phrase from each. From what I read, the way of writing is too deep to be Chris'. And it isn't her handwriting. So it's Autumn's diary. But how did they get it? She obviously didn't hand it to them.

"How did you get Autumn's diary?" I glare at Chris. I already know the answer but I need the truth coming from her.

She shrugs. "I saw some stuff in her room, got curious, looked around for a bit, and saw this on her bed. It was asking to be read." She has her arms crossed and is avoiding eye contact.

"You aren't supposed to go snooping around other people's rooms. You should respect their privacy."

"I'm just following my father's example." She turns her head and glares back at me.

"You know you aren't supposed to steal. This is private to Autumn."

"Well maybe I wanted to make you proud and learn something new about her." She narrows her eyes at me.

"Christine, I don't like your attitude."

"Well I don't like how you're only scolding me when two of your sons were in on this too." She turns her head away and looks at the door to her room.

God, she is very hard to deal with sometimes.

"Tell me everything. From when the diary was stolen to now." I look at Tim.

He sighs. "Chris came into the Batcave and showed me the diary. We started looking stuff up in the diary through the computer's database, but we couldn't find anything. Her entries were more emotional than factual. We decided to confront Autumn about it, try to get some answers. Damian decided to tag along."

"I did not 'tag along!' I'm the one who suggested that we confront Cross!" Damian points to himself, and he looks as if he's about to attack Tim.

"Quiet Damian." I glare at him, and he immediately calms down, but he's still glaring at Tim.

"Continue."

"We came into her room to find her...cutting...herself." I furrow my eyebrows. I need to confront her about that. "She answered our questions about someone she wrote about in her diary and what she referred to as 'the war,' but her answers still left room for more questions. We were going to ask her more about the diary, but I decided to actually try to get to know Autumn."

"Look where that brought us." Chris scoffs.

Tim continues, ignoring Chris' comment. "Things got emotional, for both Autumn and us. She started criticizing our lives, telling us that we were princes and princesses living in a carefree world. That ticked us off. We all started yelling, and Autumn had some kind of breakdown. After things calmed down a bit, we were going to leave, but then you came."

I contemplate everything Tim just told me. This family has had so many problems. These days, it's because of Autumn, but before, it was because of all the tragedies that came down upon this family. Things lightened up a bit when Chris came into the family. She didn't have a tragic life. I adopted her to protect her, and to let her meet her brother. Then Damian came along, bringing a new personality into the family. He was so violent, it was like having another Jason in the family. But then Jason came back, bringing Autumn along with him. They've broken this family even more than it was before, but then they became part of the family. At first I thought things were getting better, but they ended up getting worse. Chris and Autumn have gotten into two fights already, and Chris doesn't want to accept Autumn. No one else in the family wants to. But I have to try and make them.

"Why haven't any of you accepted Autumn into the family?" I stop glaring at them and try to look more like a father than Batman.

"I already answered that three days ago." Tim and Damian give Christine a curious look.

"I know." I pause and look at her. She's still avoiding eye contact. "Why won't you two accept her?"

There's a short pause.

"Because of everything she did to us." Tim responds.

"Jason did those things too, not just Autumn. But you've already accepted him. Why not accept Autumn?"

"Because Todd was already a part of this family. Cross never was." He didn't say "never will be." Maybe they will eventually accept her. But what about Chris?

"But the only Jason you've ever known was The Red Hood. The only Autumn you've known is The Phoenix. You only know them as criminals. And yet, you accept Jason and not Autumn. Why?"

I hear Damian mutter, "That's not true." But before I can ask him what he means, Chris speaks.

"Because you haven't accepted Autumn."

"Yes I have." What is she talking about? I'm the one trying to get them to accept her.

Chris turns her head and looks at me with her medium blue eyes.

"No. You haven't. You say you have, you think you have, but really, you haven't. When you accepted Jason, we had a party. When you accepted Autumn, you didn't tell us. We had to find out for ourselves. When I came into the family, when each of us came into the family, you gave us the most attention out of the rest for the first few weeks. You barely pay any attention to Autumn. And when you do, you're harsh with her. You're harsh with us, but you don't show it as much. You tell us that she's your daughter, that she's my-our sister, but you don't treat her like one. You say that she's a part of the family, but she isn't. I'm not saying that because I don't believe she isn't, but because you don't believe it. Just because she's living with us doesn't mean she's in our family." Her eyes are no longer narrowed, and now she's just staring at me. She doesn't look cold or angry, nor does she look emotionless. She looks a little...sad. I don't know why, but she does.

"We haven't accepted her - we haven't let the fact that she lives with us sink in - because you haven't, and kids follow their parent's example. Once you accept her, then maybe...maybe we will too."

Wow...I didn't know Chris could have such deep thoughts. I just stare at her, not portraying my emotions...my thoughts. Tim is staring at her with wide eyes, and Damian is just looking at her.

"Father, she is right." He turns his head to me. "I want to make you proud. We all want to make you proud...by doing what you want of us. Deep down, I want to accept Cross so you will be proud of me, but it is hard to overlook her crimes against us. It would be easier if you did too."

"Bruce. I feel bad for her. She's been through so much, and we aren't helping her in any way. I think we're making things worse. But I haven't done anything to make her feel welcome because no one else has. No one other than Alfred. Jason isn't really the type of person to help her in these situations, and Alfred's doing well. But I think she needs more than just them to help her through this. Damian, and even Chris, feel the same way, but you are our dad, like you are Robin's, Nightingale's, and Red Robin's mentor. We still follow your example. We follow your example more than we listen to your words. I know you're stubborn, and you listen to yourself more than you listen to us, but just...think about it. But if you start acting differently toward Autumn, then I will start to accept her into the family."

"I will do the same Father."

Tim nudges Chris lightly, and she sighs. "I'll try to accept her, too, Dad."

Autumn's POV

Everything was fine earlier. I walked Coby to the orphanage funded by the Wayne Foundation. But at that moment. Something hit me. A dash of fear hit me as if I fell down from the top of the Statue of Liberty.

I overcame it as I dropped Coby off with that kind looking woman in that huge orphanage. The genuine smile on his face made me forget about the fear crawling up my spine and spreading through my heart. But it didn't last long. Once I was twenty feet away from the orphanage.

I felt my heart drop to my stomach. The fear took over and I felt like bursting into tears in that alley I walked down earlier.

When I went back to my room here in the manor. The fear turned into regret and anger, not towards Dad, or Mom (that would never happen, it's not her fault.) Or, Batman, or anyone. Well, except me.

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID?

I already have the fear of losing Jason, my brother. Because everyone I have ever cared for left, and never came back. I once told myself, I would not care about anyone anymore. Because I know that they'll just end up dying, like everyone else I've ever cared about. Then, when I found out that Jason was my brother. I never thought of it before, but now that I think of it. Fear has been slowly eating me up. Now, I'm gonna care about someone else, Coby, and I told him I would be his sister. That last kid that was my younger brother, died in a gunning crossfire between The Joker, and someone else.

I don't want to drag anyone else into this messed up s*** I call my life.

I don't want the world to take away Coby the same way the world took away Nico, my mom, my dad.

When I got home, I started punching the walls out of anger with myself. I should have just left Coby alone, at least he would die in peace and quickly either out of hunger or a gun to the head. He wouldn't have to go through any s****. Because I know that in the end, he'll get hurt, or maybe he'll die…

I know I don't know the kid so well or maybe at all. But no little boy deserves to be dragged down with me. If I'm going down, I wanna go down alone making sure no one innocent can ever feel the pain I am feeling right now.

This is my fault...it's already my fault why Nico died, why Mom committed suicide. Then it's gonna be my fault again how Coby will die!

I will protect that boy. I can't turn down my promise by staying away from him. I don't want to break the kid's heart. I brought his hopes up, nothing's more painful than getting your hopes up, only to have them crashed down right in your face. I know. I've been there.

So I will protect him. This is a second chance that I get, I won't waste it. I'll be the best sister ever. Even if we don't live under the same roof.

But...the guilt, fear and anger towards myself, wasn't half the reason why I'm drowning in my own tears in the dark right now. Or why I was cutting myself earlier.

I was laying down in bed, mentally screaming at myself for being such a dumbass.

Then all of a sudden, out of nowhere. As if that "thing" that made me turn just jumped out of a box that I never even knew was there.

Everything came crashing down on me at that moment.

The guilt of being unable to be there for my brother, Nico, when he died. The question of "What did he last think of when he died?" Bothers me so much. I wasn't there when he was shot, I wasn't there to take the bullet for him. Or to hold him and cry as he bled on the floor of the market. All the time I spent taking beatings from papa, was wasted. I took those beatings to let Nico live longer, but instead, he died when he was out of my sight.

The anger and regret of not being able to save my mom from herself...it burns me, I might as well be walking on the sun's hot surface barefooted. I worked so hard, for food, for water, for money, for a place for the two of us to sleep. I took in everything that Mom did to me while she was sick. I let Papa beat me, just to keep the promise I said I would keep...even if Mom didn't even remember my name. I went through the pain of watching her break, of seeing her hurting and become depressed and I couldn't do anything to make her happy, I listened to every painful, harsh word she said to me. I took in all the injury she inflicted on me and sometimes I didn't even bother to patch myself up. I went through all that, everything that she did to me, hoping that My Mom would come back. I went through everything, only to hold her cold, lifeless body close to me. Only to try and carry her to the clinic on my back and being told that there was nothing that could have been done for her!

Then, there was Dad. Well, he wasn't really like a Father to me. More like a mentor, a trainer, a teacher. But that was pretty much it. I'll admit there were some times that he was like a dad to me, but all that was simply forgotten the next day. We trained, and trained, and trained. I studied, and studied, and studied. I was even forced to learn how to talk by two! I was forced to take experimental drugs that could possibly boost a child's mind! Dad didn't even care about the side effects! But I trained, and just kept training. You know why? I tried, so hard. Just to make him proud of me! But every time, I showed him a success, he only looked at me in disappointment and pointed out the flaws in my achievment! Every time, that I showed him some achievement that I was proud of, he hardly looked at me at all! Everytime we trained. Everytime I perfected a move, he just looked at me in disappointment! He wanted me to be perfect at everything! My training, my studies! He never even thought of what I felt! He didn't even care about what I thought! I mean...I know that there is a possibility, of 0.01% that he actually loved me. That he actually cared about me. He trained me, and sent me to many places to train for the war and be able to win but...it...I feel like...he was just using me to win the war. He knew I was gonna be the one to lead the team that was gonna destroy The Unknown...and so he trained me. But I feel that to him...that was my only purpose, to train and win the war. I don't think he cared about what happened next.

But...I tried make him proud...so experimental drugs may have worn off by now, they were only for me to get on my training wheels anyways, they must have worn off when I was four or five. But no matter what….drugs, or no drugs...I tried so, so hard to make him proud of me. I tried to make him actually care about me. Even when we moved back to Gotham, I still kept on trying by working so much with tech and showing off my skills. But he didn't seem to care. After he died...I always wondered, while I was on the streets...was he ever proud of me? Even just once? ...I guess...I'll never know now, or ever.

Now, I'm just crying and muttering to myself. If only they knew what my life was like...even they would see themselves as princes and princesses.

SHUT UP AUTUMN! There are so many people out there that probably have it worse than you!

Nah, don't think so.

Who cares about those other people?

You're so conceited, always thinking about yourself!

Why does it matter? It's all so pointless anyways…

NO IT ISN'T!

You know what, forget about it. Just put on a fake smile and suck it up!

Actually, I agree. Nothing really matters, at all. We're all gonna die someday. It's why we're here on Earth, right?

WHAT! NO! THAT'S NOT TRUE!

Fine. Blind yourself.

I don't know about you guys...whatever. But really. What's the point of anything? Why does Autumn keep on going? What's the point? It's not like anybody cares about us.

"Shut up!" I sit up by the bed and hug my knees and stare at floor with blood shot eyes. Yeah, this inner war has been happening since can so many demons fit in such a small and tiny mind? Well, one thing's for sure...it hurts so bad!

I cut myself. Because earlier. I broke. I felt nothing. I felt numb. I felt dead, inside. I felt like I was slowly dying on the inside. I get that feeling a lot. It started when, I was four. I didn't even know the reason why I got that feeling. But I just got it. I felt like my knees were about to give out. Like there's no longer any point in fighting. I couldn't even feel the blood pumping in my heart. I felt nothing. I feel like that most days, but I haven't felt like that since earlier, ever since I moved into the manor. So I thought, earlier, that cutting myself would make me feel something. It did make me wince because I know self-harm is bad. But, I can't help what I feel!

At school, earlier, after running into Jake. I went to the bathroom, locked myself in a cubicle, got my blue paper clip from my pocket, rolled up my sleeves then I scratched myself. Using the sharpish part of the paper clip to scratch my arms as I mentally screamed and punched the walls. That's how desperate I was for pain earlier.

There were times between the day when I felt fatigue taking over. Like three minutes after Biology started, and before lunch ended. Sometimes I used the big paper clip, the size of half of my finger, to scratch my arms as I hid my arms under the table, unnoticed. I tried throwing that paper clip away, but...I found a yellow one in my bag the same size as the blue one. I fell into temptation. I didn't stop.

That's why now, there's a lot of red scratches on my arms, they hurt and are irritating, but I've gone through worse. I don't just do this for fun because I'm insane. I do this because I hate myself. I'm horrible and stupid! I'm good for nothing and worthless like what Papa said! I'm a criminal and evil like Christine said! All I'm good at is faking my smile!

My shoulders drop, my arms loosen. And my world stops. I know where this is going. I don't like it. I collapse on the floor, my arms spread on the floor. My heart stops then right into my stomach and all my feelings flowing away. My tears become dry as I stare at the ceiling with wide eyes. My breathing slows down as the rest of the demons and voices keep quiet, everything is silent even my thoughts, I can't even hear my own heart beat

I feel like a door that has been locked for ages has just swung opened, and let whatever monstrosity out.

It's walking towards me, quietly, it's footsteps ever so lightly. Not making one sound. It doesn't even grin at me like it usually does as it approaches me

The strongest demon of all. The worst demon...it doesn't even need to beat me up like the other demons do to hurt me and make me fall.

It's all over Autumn. Don't try and fight me, you know you can't. Its pointless. You are nothing. Nobody cares about you. Nobody wants you. You are nothing. You're just a kid, an unwanted kid, with one too many sins. Nobody would ever want you. Nobody would ever care about you. You will never be a part of this family. Stop dreaming. You are nothing. You will always be nothing. Who would want a kid like you? Or a person like you? You're fat and ugly, so arrogant, so imperfect, so stupid; possibly the stupidest person in the whole world, you are so worthless and good for nothing, you can't do anything right. If you died now, no one would care. So quit dreaming that someone out there cares and would be there for you. You are nothing. So why not just shove a bullet down your throat? It's not like anyone would care if you killed yourself. Just end it Autumn. Just end it. Who would care anyways?

My eyelids lower as I stare at the ceiling, laying on the floor. I can't feel anything. I feel dead. All my feelings were eaten up by this fat large demon.

That's why this is the worst demon. It comes and goes, but when it does come, it's so hard to make it go, it's so hard to lock it up again.

Sometimes, it lasts for hours, sometimes for one night, but I have a feeling that this demon would feast on my feelings for days.

This demon bites, and when it does bite, it hurts. Yet, at the same time...it doesn't hurt at all. Because I don't feel anything, yet it still feels like something. Well, pain comes in many different forms.

But the worst thing about this demon, is that it only states the truth…

...

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

Sometimes I wonder, if I died, would anyone care?

I guess not.

A/N: Might want to guess what Autumn's going through. Many people are going through this too, a lot of you might be able to relate, some of you might not be able to relate at all (the lucky ones). But it hurts, a lot. Seriously. Not joking.

Oh and that last part came from a picture, or a quote? idk

Oh yeah, review please! Cause man, we are really wondering what you guys think so far.