"Come on Kim you can do this" I said to myself. I stood outside the house

swallowing hard willing the sudden sickness i felt to disappear. This is where all my horrid living nightmares began.

I didn't want to be back here, i didn't want to relive the horrid memories but something deep inside me was telling me that if i want to move on bad enough i should do this. It almost felt like a spell or i am being compelled not to leave without stepping inside. But at least there is no danger here now. The worst has happened.

I ducked under the police tape that should have been taken down by now and

with the speed of the slowest snail i gradually walked closer to the front door. I rested my hand against it and breathed deeply as my worst memories all came crashing back at once: the last year was repeating almost like it was playing like a movie in slow motion. This house is where it all changed: mum leaving, dad becoming an alcoholic and dad turning into a monster and hurting me.

I wiped away the tear that rolled down my cheek and went house

smelt horrid. It hadn't been aired out since before i left here and it still looked

the same, but now it was tainted by disturbing memories.

"Just take it one step at a time" i said to myself trying to motivate myself to

actually making it through.

The living room was covered in empty bottles of alcohol and empty take a way

boxes. Behind me on the wall was the beer stain from the time when he threw a full bottle of beer at me and below on the floor lay the glass shattered into hundreds of pieces. There were stains of my blood leading up the stairs.

I moved onto the kitchen where there were dirty cutlery and plates and bowls

ditched all over the place, all with the added bonus of flies flying round and the sink was full of dirty used sink water.

I can't believe how i managed to put up with living in this house. I swallowed hard and slowly walked up the stairs ignoring my blood stains as i went. The first room i came to was the worst one. Full of hatred and blood boiling nightmares that i will never be able to escape. The wall had nail marks where i had dug my nails in the wall when he had held me up to burn me with the iron. There was blood on the sheets from when he first attacked me. There was blood on the pillow from when he hit me in the face with a bottle. I threw up. These memories or nightmares most people would call them aren't going to fade any-time the handcuffs that he had used to keep me under his control were still left out on top of his old pillow.

I went into my old bedroom last. It was probably the best room of the house. The rest of the rooms were tainted with nightmares for me now.

I took a picture of me and Madi and mum off my vanity mirror. I loved this picture. It was the last picture before everything changed, it was taken when our family was a happy family not broken.

I sat on my bed and breathed deeply. It still kind of smelt like me even though i have not been here for a while. All of my happy memories were diminished and replaced with the nightmares that keep my awake most nights.

I don't know what the others think but i know that i am not coping very well. I hope it doesn't show otherwise they might try to help or even worse take my babies away from me. As if they knew that i was thinking about them i could feel the babies move for the first time. It was the oddest sensation. It was both wonderful and strange at the same time but it made me feel a bit happier.

I curled up on the bed and closed my eyes to let the nightmares suck me right back in. I thought this was the only way that i would be able to live with myself and my babies and Jack if i confronted my fear.

He grabbed my neck and pushed me against the wall. He made me face the wall so i couldn't see what he was doing. Before i knew it he was pressing that hot iron against my back. The pain was so intense that i passed out from it.

"Kim wake up!" Jack shouted. "You were having a nightmare"

I opened my eyes i had been crying, i had somehow fallen asleep.

"Kim you were screaming about the iron" Jack said sitting next to me. "it was a nightmare"

"I thought the only way i could be happy again is to face my fears but i see that i was wrong all i needed was you" I said tears rolling down my face.

He smiled, hugged me kissed me "you do worry me sometimes. But i am glad you are okay"

I bent over and threw up. "Yeah morning sickness is the best ever"

Jack gave me a glass of water. "Milton and Jerry are worried about you"

I smiled at him "i am going to be fine but if i ever tell you i want to come back here i need you to do whatever it takes to stop me"

He nodded "it might not come to that, and i hope it won't but for the moment let's not worry about it, let's go home"