Chapter Twenty-Nine
"Hey Harry, Draco; wanna play Truth or Dare?" called Parvati.
Harry shrugged.
"Alright," said Draco.
Ronnie waved to them as they sat down.
Harry scanned the group. Almost all the of Sixth Year seemed to be there, along with a few Fifth Years and one or two Seventh Years.
"Right," said Lavender imperiously, "first everyone has to swear to tell the truth and do go through with the dares -"
"What if doing the dares could be seriously damaging to our health?" asked Zacharius Smith, eying Fred and George nervously.
Lavender rolled her eyes.
"You only have to do it if it's safe," she replied.
"Duh," added Parvati helpfully.
"Ok," continued Lavender, "now everyone swear."
"I swear," chorused the assembled students.
"Shit," said Fred.
"Fuck," said George.
"Damn," said Louise.
"Whatever," scowled Parvati, "I'll go first. Ginny – truth or dare?"
Ginny thought for a second.
"Truth," she said.
"How many guys have you … er … 'done'?"
Ginny looked thoughtful.
"Probably around … two hundred and fourteen," she replied.
Fred choked on his butterbeer.
"What?" he croaked as Louise and George pounded his back.
"Ummm .." said Ginny, "…Harry, you're next! Truth or dare?"
"Truth," said Harry.
"What's something you've never told anyone before?"
"I can talk to flamingos," said Harry quietly.
Draco shook his head in disbelief.
"I knew those things were following us," he said.
Harry blushed.
"Louise," he said, "truth or dare?"
"Truth," said Louise.
"What's your middle name?"
"Helena," Louise replied easily, "Ronnie, truth or dare?"
"Dare," grinned Ronnie.
Louise grinned evilly.
"Kiss Seamus,"
The Irish boy in question looked like he was only just hanging on to consciousness.
Ronnie huffed, but made her way over to Seamus nonetheless.
Seamus hurriedly leant into the kiss the redhead, his eyes open wide.
But the moment their lips touched, there was a huge flash of light and a loud ping! echoed around the room.
"OMG!" yelled Hannah Abbott, once her eyesight had been restored. "Ronnie's Ron again!"
Ron gaped at Seamus, and then at the tight singlet and mini-skirt that he was wearing.
"Bloody hell!" he gasped. "What am I wearing?"
"That's hot," gasped Seamus, and fainted.
Harry cleared his throat.
"Uh, welcome back, Ron, mate," he said.
Ron scrambled over to Harry and gripped his shoulders tightly.
"Harry," he gasped, "mate, what's going on?"
Harry rubbed his head.
"Maybe we should go upstairs, this could take awhile …"
Ron paced the dormitory anxiously.
"So, Hermione – who recently moved to America - turned me into a girl; you're dating Malfoy – who's not evil; Sirius is alive and has six children with Remus; Snape is your dad – and he's not evil; we don't have Quidditch anymore and Fred and George came back to school?"
Harry nodded.
"Oh, and Ginny was a whore, but now she's dating Blaise Zabini," added Rachel Grey.
Ron nodded absentmindedly.
"And you're an exchange student?"
Rachel nodded.
"Why don't I remember any of this?" Ron asked desperately.
"Stress, probably," suggested Louise.
"Do I want to remember?"
Harry thought of Jarred.
"Probably not," he replied.
Fred and George ruffled Ron's hair.
"Look on the bright side," they said in unison.
Ron scowled.
"Which is?" he said.
"You don't remember kissing Seamus!"
Ron paled.
"Bloody hell," he whispered faintly.
"Nice one," said Draco, as Ron passed out, "that really cheered him up."
"Get away from me Seamus! I'm a bloke! I don't fancy you!"
Ron was having a hard time coming to terms with the idea that he had spent almost six months as a girl, and several boys still appeared to like him quite a lot.
Harry sighed.
Ron finally loosened Seamus' grasp and was able to sit down.
As he piled bacon onto his plate, Ron glanced at Harry nervously.
"Am I manly, Harry?" he asked.
"'Course," replied Harry, pouring more pumpkin juice, "very manly."
"Coz I'm not a girl," stated Ron, "I'm a bloke. And blokes are manly."
Harry nodded unenthusiastically.
"Hey, Ron," said Louise, as she walked by, "how are you today?"
"I'm a bloke!" shouted Ron. "I'm MANLY today!"
Harry groaned.
"What've we got now?" asked Ron, hoisting his bag onto his shoulder.
"Divination," groaned Harry.
Ron groaned empathetically.
"Then what?"
Harry checked his timetable.
"Herbology,"
"What a morning," muttered Ron, "come on then."
"Yeah, wouldn't want to miss a moment of death, doom, and destruction," grumbled Harry.
"Hey Harry!" squeaked a group of first years as they bounded down the North staircase.
"Hi," said Harry.
"Hey Ronnie!" added a few small Hufflepuffs.
Ron glowered.
"It's Ron," he ground out.
"Come on," said Harry hurriedly.
"They called me Ronnie – again!" protested Ron.
"Bye Harry, bye Ronnie!" called the first years.
Ron scowled, and, with a flick of his wand, the first years found themselves covered in slime.
Harry sighed.
"Come on," he said, "we've got class."
"This lesson," said Professor Trelawney breathlessly, "we will begin the fascinating study of flame patterns."
Harry rolled his eyes as he flicked his wand to create a blazing fire in the receptacle provided.
"See anything?" muttered Ron.
Harry squinted and turned his head to the left a little.
"Fire," he commented.
Trelawney flittered over to them.
"Ronald," she whispered, "what images are present in your flames?"
Ron scratched his head and screwed up his eyes.
"Toast," he said finally.
"Ahhh," said Trelawney mysteriously, "I see you are well connected to your feminine side …"
Ron gave a roar of fury and upturned the table.
"I'm a bloke!" he shouted, and stomped from the room.
"Such a sensitive soul …" said Trelawney, "what about you Harry, dear, what do you see?"
Harry stared into the fire.
"I think I know my future," he said.
"Really?" asked Trelawney excitedly. "Do continue, my dear."
"I'm going to be leaving this realm soon," Harry deadpanned, and promptly followed Ron's example.
"Good morning," greeted Professor Sprout, when all of the class was assembled in Greenhouse Five, "I'm sure many of you will want to get a head start on your special projects, so feel free to work on whatever you wish!"
She winked at Neville/Alex and then busied herself with re-potting Howling Daises.
"What're you gonna do?" asked Ron.
Harry shrugged.
"I'm making bonsais from Whomping Willow seedlings," boasted Neville/Alex.
"Good for you," shot back Ron, "fat lot of use they are."
"What are you doing then?" challenged Neville/Alex.
Ron thought fast.
"I'm going to cross Screaming Sunflowers with Tripping Gerberas to make a plant that'll alert people when someone goes into a room they're not meant to," he said.
"Oh," replied Neville/Alex, "alright then."
"How're you going to do that?" asked Harry, once he was sure that Neville/Alex wasn't listening in.
Ron shrugged.
"Dunno,"
Harry flipped through his textbook.
"I might make a plant that grows really big vegetables," said Harry, "you know, end world hunger and stuff."
"Good idea," said Ron, "how're you gonna do that?"
Harry shrugged.
"No idea," he said, "might just wave my wand a bit and see what happens?"
Ron nodded.
"I find a bit of wand waving usually helps," he said encouragingly.
"I'll test it out on this bit of fungi first," said Harry, pulling a small piece off the chair he was sitting on.
"Go for it," said Ron.
Harry raised his wand and closed his eyes.
'Grow really big,' he thought.
"Something's happening!" said Ron excitedly.
Harry's eyes shot open.
Sure enough, something was happening.
The fungi glittered as it grew, and grew, and grew.
"Ha," said Ron, "look, that big right there looks like a mouth."
"Yeah," replied Harry, "does, doesn't it?"
And that's when the fungi straightened up and proclaimed in a loud, booming voice.
"DESTROY!"
"Oh, bollocks," whispered Harry.
"DESTROY, DESTORY, DESTORY," said the fungi.
"Stop!" said Harry, as the rest of the class ran screaming from the greenhouse. "Stop!"
The fungi swivelled around from where it had been crushing the desks and fixed it's furry stare on Harry.
"DESTROY!"
Harry gasped.
"You can't destroy me!" he shouted. "I created you!"
The fungi lumbered forward.
"I was created to DESTROY!" it roared.
"Fuck," said Harry, pressing himself against the wall.
"DESTROY," countered the fungi.
"Die, plant scum!" shouted Ron, leaping out from behind Professor Sprout's work table.
"Ron, no!" cried Harry, as the fungi reached for the redheaded boy.
Ron grabbed a large bucket of purple liquid from Professor Sprout's desk and threw it at the fungi.
"Noooooooooo," groaned the plant as it fell to the floor with a crash.
Harry edged forward nervously.
"What was that?" he asked.
Ron shrugged.
"Dunno," he replied, "I just saw the danger sign and figured I should chuck it at him."
Harry grinned.
"Well done, mate," he said.
Ron grinned back.
"That was pretty manly, wasn't it?"
During dinner, Harry looked to the Staff Table to see that his father was absent.
'I should visit him,' he thought.
"Good idea," said Louise.
"What?" asked Draco.
"Nothing," said Louise soothingly, "just talking to the voices in my head."
"Right," said Ron, shifting away from the girl.
"Ahem," said Dumbledore, tapping his glass to gain the attention of his students, "I've got an announcement!"
"Great," said Fred.
"We're not sick of these at all," deadpanned George.
"I'm very pleased to announce that we've got a new student, all the way from the Future!" continued Dumbledore. "Artemis Fowl – come on down!"
A pale boy in a suit walked on to the stage and stood next to the Headmaster, looking quite bored.
Dumbledore motioned for Filtch to hand him the Sorting Hat, which he unceremoniously dumped on Artemis' head.
The Hall was silent as the Hat deliberated where to place the boy.
"Hmmm," said a small voice in Artemis' ear, "yo looking pretty smart thar bro."
Artemis mentally rolled his eyes.
"But yo being a sneaky little dude wit it," continued the Hat, "and yo got a power habit, don't cha?"
"Did anybody ever tell you that your style of speech in inherently ridiculous?" thought Artemis.
"I should put yo arse in wit the Huffers for that, kid," said the Sorting Hat.
"I'd be running the House within the week," commented Artemis.
The Sorting Hat huffed.
"SLYTHERIN!" it yelled aloud.
"Well done, well done," twinkled Dumbledore as Artemis lifted the Hat off his head.
"Over there," added Professor Black, pointing helpfully to the Slytherin Table.
Artemis nodded and went to sit down.
"Wasn't that fun!" said Dumbledore.
A few students exchanged sceptical glances.
"I'm gonna go visit Dad," said Harry.
"Alright," nodded Draco, "say hello to him for me."
Harry nodded and made his way from the Hall, his mind on the New BoyTM.
"Harry," greeted Severus, "how was dinner?"
"Alright," said Harry, "there's a New BoyTM in the Seventh Year."
Severus nodded.
"I know,"
"He seems familiar," added Harry.
"He's Sirius Black's fourteenth cousin, fifty-three times removed," said Severus, pouring himself a glass of blood-red wine.
"Oh," said Harry, "that makes sense."
Severus sipped his drink.
"I'm thinking of going to America," he said.
Harry thought about this idea for a while.
"Why?" he asked.
"I was considering poisoning the water supply," replied Snape calmly.
"No, Severus," boomed a deep voice, "that is not the way."
"God?" wondered Severus, looking at his wine in suspicion.
"Don't be silly," said Harry, "God's a girl."
"Really?" boomed the voice.
Harry nodded.
"Yeah," he said, "and she wants everyone to eat more vegetables."
"Oh," said the voice.
"Who are you?" demanded Severus.
A tall boy stepped out from behind a conveniently placed velvet curtain.
Severus gasped.
"William?" he muttered.
"Who are you?" asked Harry.
"I'm Severus' long lost son," said William quietly.
"No," replied Harry, "that's me."
"No," said William, "it's me."
"It's both of you," said Severus, "Harry, William – meet your twin brother."
The boys gasped.
Ron flung open the door.
"Say WHAT?!"
