Windows of the Soul: Part Twenty-Nine
If I am a builder, I'm putting some more bricks in the wall. And dialogue is my cement, as ever-present in my style as concrete in a brutist sky-line. But that is fine from time to time, as well. Only I do it all the damn time. Never mind...
Though I've leaned on Yamada and other professionals a lot in my time- not to mention Shizuru and everything she found for me before- it's not true that I'm useless on my own, in terms of information gathering. Okay, so I don't have an enormous patience for… well, patience, and waiting quietly, and moving conversations this way or that to learn something telling. That's Shizuru's way of doing things, which she is altogether too good at. Oh, I suppose Yukino had that kind of air as well, but that was rather forced on her part. She cheated with the Hime magic. For Shizuru, sitting in the middle of a web of thoughts and words and casual comments became a way of life, or something approximating that. Even I don't know how much she learned, and you could probably call me the spider. That isn't my speciality. I can't afford to sit still, though I have no choice now, and in any case I can be impatient with people, though I'm trying harder now, and then one more thing, I could always lean on her. If she was going to do that anyway, making use of it for my own purposes was logical. I don't think that was just something she did for me. Even for Shizuru and her dedication, I think it's a natural process. She's that kind of personality. Even now, in that room of hers and ostensibly sick, I bet she knows an awful lot of what is going on around here. There's something about her that makes people tell her their truths.
All of this is rather beside the point, though, a simple exercise in mental diversions. What I was going to say, is that I can learn of things. If I know clearly what it is I need to know, and apply myself, I can find out. That's what I did just now, without saying even a word to Shizuru. There are some things I shouldn't trouble her with, for her health and for my dignity as well.
But there's no such thing as secrecy in this household, which has five servants for every member of this dysfunctional, acrimonious "family". So it's really quite simple, to learn something simple like this. Hopefully, the word won't reach Shizuru. It probably will, though. There are some respects where she really hasn't changed, and I suspect this is one of them.
I put that aside and folded my arms, leaning against the wall and waiting patiently. It was early in the morning, damned early, and that didn't suit me at all. Well, Shizuru's awakenings in better times came not so long after this, and the awakening of various circumstances of all kinds conspire to make me well-used to being up at indecent hours, waiting for something. In fact, this whole venture is a little nostalgic, making me feel like I have a purpose again. And at least the air was almost warm, and the sun clear and bright. Winter is worse.
The front door opened, and that man stepped out. "Look after everything," he instructed shortly, looking back over his shoulder.
I frowned at his profile, trying to get used to it. Shinri in a suit really was bizarre, after all. I've become altogether used to him dressing in a kimono, and straddling the interior of the house like some exceptional, timeless samurai or daimyo. Seeing him like this made him appear relatively ordinary. "Good morning."
Shinri frowned at me. "This is an unusual circumstance."
I pushed off the wall. "I was waiting for you. I just wanted to apologise for yesterday."
"Oh?"
"I went too far. You are her father, so for her sake at least, I shouldn't be like that." I folded my arms. "It's not like that means I think I was wrong, though. I'm just talking about my manner."
"I see." Shinri started to walk down the path. "I'll accept that apology. But please don't expect me to give one in return."
I scowled, following after him. "You really are graceless, aren't you…"
"This isn't a matter of gracelessness," Shinri replied in a clipped tone. "I have never made a habit of insulting people with insincere apologies, made purely for the purposes of form. If I ever decide that you deserve an apology, I'll give you it then. Not before, and not through some perceived reciprocation."
"Somehow I get the sense that you don't apologise to anyone very often," I replied dryly.
"That is irrelevant. In any case, I told you clearly, did I not?" Shinri glanced at me, continuing to walk fast. But I could keep up, of course. "The only person you should concern yourself with under these conditions is Shizuru."
"I'm bearing that in mind, though it's what I would have done anyway," I replied. "It's also what I was doing when we had that argument yesterday. But you're an important person to Shizuru, so I'm doing what needs to be done."
"I'm moderately surprised that your pride allows you to do even this," Shinri remarked impassively. "You struck me as a very arrogant person."
"Say what you like, but arrogance doesn't have to be equivalent to stupidity," I shot back.
Shinri snorted, looking away. "In any case, I have to go to work, and don't have much time for spare banter. I take it there wasn't anything else of significance?"
"One more thing, if I can trouble your ever-busy self," I said, with just a hint of irony.
"Oh?" Shinri stopped and looked at me. "Well?"
I gritted my teeth. "I have a request. Teach me kenjutsu. Please." I stared defiantly into his eyes.
Shinri looked at me for a long moment, frowning. "It's rather dismaying to find you taking that line, when I told you so clearly that I despise such a calibre of person."
"That's a simplification, as my motives are completely different," I replied irritably. "I don't have any reason to gratify your ego."
"Then why? You don't strike me as anyone who'd have a natural interest in the art."
"You should have a better memory of your own words." I folded my arms. "Kenjutsu is an interest close to Shizuru's heart… so for me to come closer to her, learning what she learns and feeling what she feels is natural. For her, not for you, I'll swallow my pride."
"That's a weak motive," Shinri said shortly. "No different from that of my sycophants. Kenjutsu is a serious matter, not a vanity hobby, a sport or anything else of that kind."
"That's precisely why it's valuable to me. Personally, I think that's nonsense… but Shizuru seems to agree with you." I carried on staring at him without flinching, waiting patiently. "If it's any consolation to you, I'd certainly use all of my considerable power seriously."
Shinri frowned. "You certainly take yourself very seriously. This is a long way for you to go for a friend of yours."
I didn't reply to that, simply watching patiently.
Shinri snorted softly, turning away. "I'm not sure young and with time to spare that I can afford to teach a newcomer with a whim. Shizuru can teach you when she's in better health."
"No. It has to be you." I glared at the back of his neck. "I already play around with Shizuru enough. That's why I want to experience, seriously, something that she also values." I snorted. "Well, I definitely know I can count on you not holding back…"
"Naturally." Shinri stopped again, and paused a moment. "You know, under that circumstance, I would certainly do my best to break you in Shizuru's presence."
"You really don't like me, do you?"
He looked over his shoulder. "And you don't like me. Our reasons for our antagonism are probably the same… but that equivalency doesn't change the fact that I am her father."
"And I am her friend," I said, though those words felt weak. I don't think saying simply that is enough to describe the strangeness we have with each other. "Regardless, I'd take everything you have. I've had worse."
"Are you serious?"
"I'm serious."
Shinri glared at me. "Then you should go through the proper motions. It's appropriate for the pupil to bow down and beg."
I gritted my teeth. "And if I do that, will you teach me?"
He regarded me thoughtfully. "Yes. I would teach you."
I glared at him for a few more seconds, trying to work out a way round it. But however I looked at it, I'd kinda committed myself. So, against all of my better instincts and my pride and logic, I knelt and bowed, bringing my forehead close to the ground. "Please. Teach me kenjutsu."
There was no reply for a moment, then Shinri laughed.
I looked up, trying to kill him with my eyes alone.
"You certainly take yourself very seriously," he said casually, a hint of a smile on his lips. "That's not good, in a girl your age. But I can see how Shizuru might come to like it, all the same."
"I'm not going to take myself lightly, for you or anyone else," I snapped back, flushing despite myself.
Shinri looked at me for another moment, still looking amused. Then he offered me his hand. "We shall see how long that superfluous attitude can last, in the fullness of time."
I pushed myself up, ignoring the offer and sticking my hands in my pockets. "Believe me when I say that I'm holding you to that promise."
"I intend to keep it, as well. It should be interesting." Shinri turned away regally, raising a hand over his shoulder. "In the meantime, continue to look after Shizuru. If you are her folly, I'll indulge her."
"And I'll forgive her for having a mad old man," I retorted, turning and walking the other way.
Honestly, just who is it who takes themselves way too seriously here?
I walked back to the house, trying to put the matter out of mind. It had been humiliating, after all, but I hadn't expected it to be anything else. If I'm dealing with that man, I should get used to being humiliated. I'm not the child I was anymore, though, to the extent where I can't do anything to compromise my precious dignity. At least, not intentionally, because the world doesn't take kindly to people who are too proud and too cold. Unless they have 'Fujino' in their name, or something, I guess. In any case, I'm stronger now. Even coming here meant pushing past my pride and my dignity and my petty apprehensions. I've already cut off those small, insignificant emotions. That's why, with that fact in mind, I can and will go further. I have to go further. Now that I know I can, there's no way that I couldn't.
Living with Shizuru's family, and seeing the world through Shizuru's eyes, has been an experience and a realisation. Before, I thought I knew so much about her, more than any other person did, though if I were forced I'd concede that she was a very ambiguous person even to me. The Carnival showed me just how limited my lazy, complacent understanding of Shizuru was, and opened up my eyes. She wasn't just a girl who smiled and nodded and had a gentle, kind and easy life. She had love and hate and fear, vivid, violent emotions, a darkness in her and a hate and great sadness. I tried, slowly, to find her out, when I realised that for my part as well as to be kind to her I couldn't just let her go. And being here is the same experience. Even after years of companionship, talking and sharing, arguing and shouting and crying and everything between us, her subtlety and complexity is still beyond me. I'm still not the person who I want to be, someone who knows everything about her. The more I learn, the more I notice I have to learn. And she changes, too, moment by moment and day by day. I may be chasing the sun on a fey-vain quest that wouldn't ever end.
But a lifetime wouldn't be so bad; presuming it was always this interesting.
In the meantime, whatever else may be, I'm not happy with just what we have. I want more. I want to be closer to her, to her feelings and her thoughts, and to experience the things she experiences without either of us regretting that. Simply being by her side is fun enough to justify that. And because of that, I want to know how to make her smile, as well. Even if she's pushed me away from time to time, and even though we've done very cruel things to each other, I think the seed of that intention has been with me for as long as we really knew each other. Even just a little.
Am I taking myself too seriously?
I smirked, and went to find some breakfast. Being serious was also fine from time to time, after all.
When I woke, she was by my side. I am growing used to that romantic conceit.
Of course, she wasn't exactly kissing my forehead or holding me or anything like that. She was eating a bowl of rice. But I'll take what I can get, under the circumstance.
Natsuki looked down at me, blinking. "Morning."
"Good morning," I replied sleepily, rolling over and looking at her with drowsy eyes. "What time is it?"
"One in the afternoon," Natsuki replied evenly.
I yawned, stretching my arms. "Lying is bad, you know."
"Then you're a very bad person. It's nine in the morning, so there's no need for you to struggle to get up or anything. Just rest like a good girl again."
"If you put it like that, I'm sorely tempted to get up," I remarked sleepily. "But I suppose I'll humour you."
"Sure. Your breakfast is here for whenever you're ready, though."
"Thank you. Or should I thank Hideko instead? I'll leave that to you." I rubbed my eyes, trying to clear away the dirt building there. But my body wasn't actually feeling that stiff, which was a beautiful release. "Otou-sama?" I asked, by inflection alone.
"He's gone to work," Natsuki said shortly. "Apparently, he had to. That man only ever deals in imperatives, doesn't he?"
I smiled slightly at her irritated tone. "He's a driven man. You used to be like that, a little… well, I'm not sure whether you've changed that much, either."
"I'm nothing like him, whatever you say." Natsuki folded her arms, glaring prettily at me. "How are you feeling?"
I shrugged, accepting the change of subject. "A little better, I think, though I'm still a little tired."
"You sound better as well. That's good."
"I'd be a little worried if that was bad," I remarked lightly. "In any case, I'll see how I'm feeling later. It would be good, to be up and about a lot more than I am right now."
"Though you make me say it until I'm blue in the face, with no success, but still," Natsuki glanced at me, looking amused. "Don't force yourself."
"I'd be forcing myself to stay here for too much longer. It's a little tiring, you know, in its own way." I sat up in my futon, and reached for the breakfast tray. "Though even then, I have to make myself busy helping you. There isn't much movement involved in that."
"I've been working hard enough, already," Natsuki complained. "You should just take a day off."
I sipped a glass of water, moistening my throat. "That would set a dangerous precedent."
"Honestly." Natsuki glared at me. "Whatever image you have of my work ethic, it's not so bad that you have to keep pushing me without rest. Taking a break every so often is normal, right? And I'm sure that's supposed to increase your recall, as well."
"If I recall, fifteen minute breaks are best. Shall we do that more often, though?"
"Just forget it for today. That's an order." Natsuki snorted. "It's not like you don't want to do that anyway, right?"
"I wonder," I said innocently, picking up my chopsticks and eating a mouthful of rice.
"Though with that said, I'll take the fifteen minute breaks as well." Natsuki smirked at me. "Should I just be grateful for that?"
"I do feel that Natsuki is characterising me in an unflattering way," I said, mock serious. "I'm not that bad, you know."
"Sick girls should be sick and sweet in a quiet way without finding the energy to nag other people. That's how it should be, anyway."
"Is that so?" I asked, picking up a pickle and eating it.
"That's so," Natsuki said decisively, closing her eyes and nodding firmly. "You should be more in character."
"If we're talking about characters in such a circumstance, you'd be a kinder and a better ministering angel," I remarked. "And I suppose I'd be a handsome man."
"Idiot. Don't say strange things like that." Natsuki glared at me. "Just what kind of weird fantasy story are you imagining?"
"I wonder," I repeated playfully, continuing to eat. "But being brought breakfast in bed by Natsuki in the morning… I think I was wrong, and I'm getting worse after all."
"Hey, you know," Natsuki said sharply. "I don't have to do this, you know. It's just polite, considering I'm staying in your house."
"That's very cruel of you," I remarked, pouting at her. "You should just let the sick girl dream of happy things."
"When you start talking in those terms, I'm almost sure you're just making use of that increasingly dubious status," Natsuki remarked. "But it's fine, I guess. Do I beat out Hideko, as being a morning awakening?"
"Yes. Does that make you happy?"
"Not particularly," Natsuki replied, flushing slightly and staring at me.
"Of course, Hideko helps me dress and do my hair," I said thoughtfully.
"Don't push it."
I smiled and looked up at her, remembering my hair and rather self-consciously pushing the tangle out of my face. And she looked down at me, with an unreadable intense expression on her face. It's tough, when she's so close to me. My body reacts.
"In any case, eat your breakfast, already," Natsuki muttered, pressing her knees against her stomach and looking away. "You won't get better if you don't eat."
Is she aware of that atmosphere now? It's hard to tell. So I just smiled and nodded in a neutral way. "I'll do that."
Natsuki didn't say much while I ate the rest of my breakfast, but just watched me quietly. That was a little unusual, and very distracting, but I did my best to act as if I didn't notice. I was a little flustered, all the same. But that's normal. People don't like being watched at any time, because they might be doing something to merit disapproval. So it's not like such doubts are unique to me. But my special condition creates an unusual subtext, and once I have started down that line of thought it can be hard to ignore. That's why I'll put that weak and wavering sensation completely out of mind and move on.
"Hey, Shizuru. Can you do me a favour?"
So she said. She says such things a lot, and she always has done. Sometimes she troubles me, but I like to feel needed even if that's no more than that, a feeling. I don't know what fact is, but I might as well cling to hope rather than to despair. So I smiled. "Of course… I should think. But it's difficult for me to say for sure, until you've told me what you have in mind."
"Yeah, yeah. Obviously." Natsuki glanced at me, looking a little worried. "Are you really okay, though? You should probably rest, I guess…"
"I'm fine," I replied firmly, putting my chopsticks down neatly. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, it wasn't anything important," Natsuki replied uneasily. "But, whenever you're feeling better, I wouldn't mind if you showed me the garden. It's a bit big for just me."
"The garden, is it?" I asked. "You know, I don't know it so well myself. I'm not sure how much it has changed since I was last here. But I'm sure the gardener would love to show you around."
"I'm sure he would, but I'm not interested," Natsuki retorted. "It's more fun if it's with you."
I made a slight sound, amused with her and with myself. Her earnestness was attractive enough, but I'd probably intended for her to answer like that in the first place. "I am feeling better," I replied. "So I'll get ready."
"No, no. I told you, whenever you're better, whenever that might be," Natsuki said firmly. "It was just something to bear in mind."
I stood, pushing my hair back with my hands and looking down at her. "Your concern is appreciated. But Natsuki always says herself, that I always decide things myself…"
Natsuki snorted. "You mean you're going to be troublesome again?"
My fingers found the first button on my shirt. "Well, I'm going to unilaterally undress now. Make of that what you will."
Predictably, she retreated promptly. But this time, she managed to shoot me a glare before leaving. I just smiled back.
When I'd finally arranged my clothes and hair, I came out to her. It takes longer when I don't have someone to help me, which is why I did this.
"Casual clothes…" Natsuki remarked, looking up and down at me without artifice. Always so direct. "Not bad. Makes a change from all the damn kimono I see around this house, anyway. I thought it was some kind of uniform."
"Presumably, you're then being principled to continue dressing as you do," I said lightly. "You could always borrow my kimono, after all."
"It's not so much principle as bloody-mindedness, but you're still pretty much right," Natsuki said. "The sweater's nice, though."
I tugged on it, smiling at her kindness. "Do you think so too? Surprisingly enough, white is my colour."
Which is a little inappropriate, but I embody the deceptiveness of appearances. And if I am allowing myself to carry on afresh, it's significant in an altogether new way.
"You must be hot, though," Natsuki said dismissively, turning away. Because it wouldn't do for her ego to grow too much, so her expression ran.
"Not really. I'm better but not well," I reminded her. "I'm actually a little cold, you know, even with this."
"Really?" Natsuki asked. "Do you want to get another jumper? Or maybe a coat?"
I shook my head. "I'll warm up later, with the day, and then I'd only have to take it off. Besides."
"Besides?" Natsuki asked, with her unguarded sincerity.
"Besides the fact that if I'm too cold, Natsuki can keep me warm." I smiled at her, letting myself regard her flushed cheeks as she turned away. Some things don't change.
"Honestly, the moment I show any concern…" Natsuki complained.
I tapped her lightly on the shoulder. "Shall we go?"
I started to walk away without waiting for her reply, and she jogged after me. There isn't any mistake; I am feeling a lot better today.
It was a bright and clear day. As you'd expect from summer, of course. And the garden was as beautiful and well maintained as you'd expect of our household, but neither of those two things mean very much. I'm not someone who derives a huge amount of pleasure from the weather, and while I could at least appreciate the aesthetic of our surroundings my attention was still, more or less, focused on Natsuki. For the most part, just entertaining her was enough of a worry for me. I've been a bad host, with this sudden sickness, so I suppose that feeling is my unspoken apology to her.
"Of course, the arrangement of the garden is closely tied to calligraphy," I remarked conversationally. "Unlike the latter, though, I don't do it myself. Ultimately, paper and ink with which to practise are a little easier to come by than plots of land."
Natsuki looked around thoughtfully. "Looks like you have enough to spare…"
"Well, it is quite a big garden," I admitted. "But that just makes it even more important for us to look after it carefully. And on another note, there's a pragmatic sense in which gardening doesn't fit with Otousama's aesthetic."
"You mean he hates getting his hands dirty?" Natsuki asked cynically.
I chuckled. "I wouldn't go that far, myself, though you have the right sense. But it could be said that he isn't a very patient man."
"And if you said that, you'd be right," Natsuki finished. "Well, I don't blame you. This place is way too huge for ordinary people to handle anyway. Isn't it a little intimidating?"
I frowned, looking around thoughtfully. "Perhaps just a little, but I never thought of it that way. I was very fond of this garden, before." I stopped briefly, looking down at some flowers. "I've always had a soft spot for flowers, after all."
"I remember," Natsuki said dryly. "Well, only a strange person would say they didn't like flowers. I mean, it's not like I hate them either."
"Right?" I said lightly. "But that's the thing about flowers, I suppose. No matter how tough things may be, they still do their best to be beautiful and tall. For them, that's more than natural."
"Aren't you personifying them a bit too much?" Natsuki asked.
"Perhaps," I admitted. I looked up, following the course of the artificial stream and taking in the vegetation clinging to its banks. "I came here a lot when I was a child. When things became too tough for me to carry on, I'd hide and play here. Of course, there was always someone close by." I turned, letting my gaze embrace everything around me. "But if I could stand in the right place, I could put them out of sight and mind, and feel rather free."
"So, that kind of situation," Natsuki said thoughtfully. "Did you ever worry about snipers in the trees?"
I laughed. "You know, I never did."
"Very careless of you."
I turned to Natsuki again, smiling. "I'll apologise, then, by showing you something good. Do you want to come?"
Natsuki nodded. And she was smiling a little herself, though she would deny it if I pointed it out, so I lead her with a fairly light and untroubled heart.
"Perhaps I should have done this before," I mused. "It's really very nostalgic. But it never really occurred to me, and I haven't been at my best after all…"
"Just as long as you weren't planning on moping all damn summer, that's fine," Natsuki retorted.
"Hmm. You know, that would be too boring, even for me." I looked upwards. "But here we are, of course."
Natsuki frowned at the small pavilion. "What is it? A shelter?"
"One of the teahouses. This is the smaller one." I walked towards it. "This used to be my unambiguous favourite place."
"Such a bizarre place to be something like that," Natsuki complained, following me.
"Well, in this world we take our favourite things where we can get them," I said, looking back at her and smiling. "Hobbies, places, people, it's all the same. Just encountering something of that value is good enough."
"For you, maybe, but you're just plain easy to please," Natsuki muttered.
I laughed at that, sitting on the floor and glancing back at her. "Perhaps. But I wouldn't say so, myself. I'm a discerning person, who values special and valuable things."
"Is that so?" Natsuki asked, sitting opposite me. She smiled, but her eyes were almost sad. "It's not bad, to hear you say that."
"Do you think?" I chuckled. "I didn't think it was that good." I looked around, recalling many things. "Well, there's not much here, but it's a nice little place. Like I said, we have a bigger teahouse, but that's where I learned tea ceremony. A matter more serious and difficult than kenjutsu, so I could never really come to love that space, of course…"
"Ah." Natsuki rubbed her knees with the palm of her hands, and smiled at me. "But, you know, you really seem a lot better."
"I'm glad. It looks like I'm finally spending enough time, and getting enough sleep, to get rid of this kind of flu," I replied. "It's a bit of a relief, after so many damn headaches."
"Yeah, well, that isn't exactly what I meant," Natsuki replied, frowning at me. "It's just… you know. You're in better spirits now than before, I guess."
"You may be right," I replied, smiling blankly. "Well, there isn't any point in me moping, after all, is there?"
"Right," Natsuki agreed. "You're a lot better when you're happy, after all."
"Is that so?" I said slowly.
"Yeah. So what's with that dumb expression?"
I laughed softly. "Just thinking, I guess. Well, if that's the case, I'll try hard to be happy for you."
"Damn right," Natsuki said firmly. "That's the least you should do, after everything you've put me through. I'm not interested in any other kind of thanks."
"Thanks, anyway," I said softly.
"Idiot," Natsuki muttered, looking away.
If I'm in better spirits, it's because of her. When I'm by her side, slowly and surely, it's less of a torment and more and more a freedom. That's her kindness, but without so many dark and lonely hours, it's more sincere, and far easier than before. That was actually one of my fears. If I lean too much on her smile and her redemption, it will hurt too much when we have to separate. That's inevitable.
"Did you have any place like this?" I asked innocently.
"Like what?" Natsuki asked cautiously.
"The place you most liked to be. Or am I just strange for having one, and no one else does?"
"Well, I wonder…" Natsuki said. "I suppose you could say that I've never really thought about it."
But maybe, just maybe, I can grow enough to move past that small and timid kind of thought. The memories I'll gather of her and everything she means to be can be happy ones, and stay with me, even if she'll never be what I want her to be for me, and even if we have to part. So that's why I'll smile, not just for her, but for myself.
"So think harder."
"I'm thinking, I'm thinking!"
Because it's enjoyable, to be alive.
