Chapter 29
Jack turned and saw Tim standing behind him in shock.
"Tim!" Ziva said with a smile.
"What...are you doing here?"
"I came to see you. ...if that is all right."
Jack smiled at the mutual awkwardness.
"Have you eaten, ma'am?" he asked.
"Yes. I am not hungry," she said.
"Is it all right if she comes in, Tim?"
Tim nodded, although he looked more than a little uncertain about it. Jack stood back and gestured for Ziva to come in.
"I'm Jack Gibbs. You're...Ziva?"
"Yes. Ziva David."
"That's not a name I know," Jack said. "Where are you from?"
"Israel."
"Oh."
Ziva looked around the room with interest and then back at Tim.
"Is it all right that I am here, Tim?" she asked.
Tim nodded slowly.
"I never thought...I'd see you...again."
Ziva smiled a little.
"I thought the same, but my father allowed me to come. Tony told me where you were."
"Tony?"
"Yes. I went to New Orleans and spoke to Abby. She told me where Tony was. Tony told me where you were."
"You went through all that...just to...visit?"
"Yes."
Jack smiled. Awkward as this was, he thought it might be a good thing for Tim. The more people who expressed an interest in his well-being, the better.
"You two have a chat. I'll go make sure that dinner doesn't burn."
"Oh...I did not want to interrupt," Ziva said quickly. "I can wait while you eat."
Jack shook his head. "No, it can wait. Go on and talk. I can see that you have lots to say."
He headed back to the kitchen and heard Tim awkwardly invite Ziva to sit down. Then, he tried to give them privacy, although he did keep an ear out for another of Tim's disturbing moments. This Ziva wouldn't know about them.
x.x.x.x.x.x.x
Tim still couldn't quite wrap his mind around Ziva actually being here, sitting in Jack's living room...in Pennsylvania. She was one of those people he associated with Vietnam and only with Vietnam. To see her somewhere else was disconcerting.
"Tony said that you have had some problems," Ziva said.
Tim flushed and nodded.
"Yeah. Comes with the territory of being a wimp."
"You are not weak, Tim. That much I know. The rest of it...I cannot say. You still have that look in your eye."
"What look?"
"The same one you had in Vietnam, only worse. You are lost and you are trying to find your place."
"Lost? I know where I am, Ziva."
"I do not know how to explain it in English, but it is like you are searching for something or for someone only you do not think you can find it. I know that feeling."
Tim didn't want to start talking about his problems. They consumed far too much of his mind as it was.
"What are you doing here?"
"I wanted to thank you."
"No! You've already done that and you repaid any debt you might have owed me," Tim said. "I don't want you to thank me again."
"It is not just that," Ziva said quickly.
"Then, what?"
"I have...missed you, Tim, and I have felt alone. Alone while I am surrounded by people with a view of life that I no longer share."
"What do you mean?"
"My father is concerned with countries. With governments. Causes. That was what I cared about before, too. But it has changed for me. It was very hard to...to leave Vietnam, knowing that many would die after your country left. I still think of them. It is not that I do not worry about Israel and who will attack us next, but I care so much more about the people. I cannot explain this to anyone in Israel because they are concerned with a country. I thought you would understand how I feel."
Tim had been trying so hard to forget Vietnam that, even though he'd failed to do so, all that remained was the horror of it, the people he'd killed, not the people he'd helped or tried to help. He was silent, not because he was surprised by what Ziva said but because he was trying to touch that same feeling, the feeling that had led him to such hatred of the VC, the people he had not known nearly enough.
"Did you really get to know them?" he asked.
"Yes. They helped me a lot."
Tim smiled wistfully. "I'm envious."
"Why?"
"Because...most of the time...I saw them dead, not alive."
Ziva nodded. She scooted closer to him and Tim was surprised when she took hold of his hand.
"You were fighting for them. That is important."
"I don't know how much I really was, though," Tim said. "There were a lot of times when I was just...fighting without thinking about why."
"But you made the choice to come."
"Because my country asked for it."
"You cared."
Tim smiled a little and looked at her.
"Not as much as you, I don't think."
"I was with them more. My life depended on them sometimes."
"Ziva...was it so important to find me? You found Abby and Tony. I'm sure you could have found Gibbs, too."
"You are the one I am connected to," Ziva said. "You saved my life, risking your own. You made a connection...a link? That is not something I can ignore. And you are still hurting. I do not want that to be what you have to feel. I have had nightmares about the things I saw in Vietnam, the people I could not save."
Tim looked at Ziva's hand.
"I have nightmares about the people I killed...and the people I saw die."
"I have no regrets about those I killed. They were animals and deserved to die."
"I guess that's the difference between us," Tim said softly. "I regret killing even the ones who deserved it. I've never wanted to be a killer."
"That is what I was raised to be."
Tim took a breath. He felt very uncomfortable but he was not falling into his memories. He definitely wasn't enjoying the feeling, though.
"I will not stay long," Ziva said into the tense silence. "I was not sure you would believe a letter. I do not know if you have truly heard me, even now." She took Tim's other hand and pulled him around to face her. "I will always care for you, Tim. I will always remember you. I may not be able to see you often. I may be pulled back into fighting for Israel in place of all that I have learned about the world, and it is a worthy fight. ...but something that requires all of me. I am sorry if I have caused you more pain."
Tim tightened his fingers around Ziva's hands.
"No. You haven't. It's all my messed up head, Ziva. Honestly, I can't believe that you'd come all this way just to say thanks again, and I just..." He took a breath. "I'm afraid."
"Of what?"
"Of forgetting where I am again. I don't want you to see that part of who I am now. I just..." Tim let her go and stood up. He walked to the back door and left the house. In the cooler air, he could remember where he was. Vietnam never felt like this.
"Tim, wait. Please."
Tim stopped but didn't turn around.
"Ziva, I can't help you. I wish I could. I really wish I could, but I can't. I can't even help myself."
"You can help me, Tim."
"How?"
"The same way you helped me before."
"I don't think I need to defy my squad again...and I don't have a squad anyway."
Ziva walked around to face him.
"That is not what I meant."
Slowly, she stepped closer to him. Then, equally slowly, she put her arms around him and she hugged him. Tim didn't remember ever hugging Ziva before, but after he got over the surprise, he returned the gesture.
"I never hugged you," he said softly, although he didn't pull away.
"I know...but you let me get close to you."
"When?" Tim asked, genuinely confused.
Ziva stood back and smiled at him, unoffended by his lapse.
"When we were tracking your team to save them. We stopped for the night and I moved close to you so that I could feel you. You did not pull away and I think you wanted to. I needed to have someone close to me. I needed to get away from...from the isolation of working alone all the time. You gave that to me, and I am grateful for that."
Tim remembered that night now. His mind had been on the pain in his leg and whether or not they'd save Gibbs and Tony. Then, he had felt Ziva scoot over so that they were touching. He had been as surprised then as he was now. He had actually wondered if she was going to do something more than that.
"I didn't know that was what I was doing," Tim said.
"It does not matter. If I had asked, you would have done the same thing."
"You seem to think that I'm this amazing person," Tim said. "I'm not, Ziva."
"You are not amazing, Tim. You are human and there are more people who are not human than you may know. It is...nice to find a truly human being. That means more than being amazing."
Tim flushed.
"I'm sorry, Ziva. I'm really...self-centered right now. All I can do is think about myself. Not very impressive, right?"
Ziva smiled and hugged him again.
"Sometimes, the world is very small. I do not expect you to be perfect."
Tim smiled a little sheepishly.
"It's a good thing...because I never will be." He took a breath. "I'd just like to have an ordinary life again. That's what my life was before I went to Vietnam."
"My life was never ordinary," Ziva said. "When I was a child, we were sometimes attacked for what we were, mostly with words. When I was older, we moved to a place where we have been threatened with bombs from all sides. I do not think I know what an ordinary life is like."
"A family who loves you," Tim said. "A place you want to be. A job you enjoy. You're not important. You're not killing people. You just get to live."
Ziva sighed. "That does not sound ordinary. That sounds like heaven."
Tim looked at Ziva, really looked at her, for perhaps the first time. She was close to his age, and even though she had faced much more in her life than he had, he could feel a sense of camaraderie with her...and in the same way that he had not wanted to let her just disappear after she'd helped them, he couldn't just let her walk away now.
"Have you really eaten?" he asked her. "Or were you just pretending so that you didn't have to make Jack feel obligated to invite you to join us?"
Ziva smiled and didn't answer.
"Because I'm inviting you to join us for dinner. Do you have someplace to stay tonight because there's an extra room here. I can't guarantee that I'll stay sane, but you're more than welcome here. You saved my life, too, Ziva. ...and don't say that it's because you had to. You went far beyond what you might have owed me. You didn't just save my life. You saved all our lives." He took a breath and let out one more thing, something he didn't think he could have said at any other time. "And you saved me in more ways than one."
"What do you mean?" Ziva asked, her brow furrowing in confusion.
"You wouldn't let me run."
"When?"
"On the way to Da Nang. I was ready to go, to throw everything I'd gained to the wind in the hopes of preserving something I'm not even sure exists."
"You did not ask."
"I didn't have to. I knew your answer was no. That's why you were with me, wasn't it?" Tim asked. "We didn't talk about it, but you wouldn't let me leave. If I had been alone..."
"You did not seem to think that leaving Vietnam was a good thing."
"I know. I still don't, but running away wouldn't have been a good idea, either. It would have been worse. I can admit that now. Thank you for that."
Ziva suddenly grinned.
"How hard was that to say?"
Tim smiled in response.
"You have no idea."
Ziva laughed.
"So...you want to stay for dinner? You're more than welcome."
"Yes, I will."
"And you need a place to stay tonight?"
"You are sure I would not be imposing?"
"Positive. If I'm not imposing, you're definitely not," Tim said. "I'm probably the most difficult houseguest ever. You can't possibly be worse."
"If you put it that way," Ziva said, "I will stay tonight...but I cannot stay long. I must get back to Israel."
"I understand."
Tim couldn't explain it, but as they walked into the house, he felt a slight loosening of the omnipresent tightness in his chest.
