KissMeDeadlyT-T: YAY ANOTHER PROMPT FROM A READER! :D

Thanks 15th Noah you fantastical person. Btw, I don't think I said it, but I love your pen name.

This will probably be my last update for a couple days. Maybe. I'm gonna be busy packing and whatnot for a bit so I might not have time to write. I will when I can, and it shouldn't be too long. It just won't be everyday like it has been, but I'll probably get back to doing that in a little bit. I know a lot of you like my consistent updates but merp real life is more important than RoyEd drabbles, sadly. So yeah. Next update won't be for a few days.

On a more cheerful note, I wrote down every single idea I have for drabbles on one document, and there are 38 in total. Eventually I will have 38 more RoyEd oneshots... Wow D: I've said this before but hell feel free to contribute and give ideas hehee

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Title: Nails and screws

Rating: T for a LOT of swearing.

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"It's finally in!" Ed came flying into the living room, his eyes sparkling excitedly. Roy warily looked up from where he was shifting through the bills, eyeing Ed with uncertain eyes. The eldest Elric was standing at the entrance to the living room and bouncing on the balls of his feet with a huge grin on his face.

"What?" Roy asked apprehensively. He set the papers in his hands down as Ed rushed over and grabbed his wrist and then started dragging him to the front door. "Hold on, Ed," he said exasperatedly, "what are you talking about?"

"This!" Ed exclaimed, pointing a finger. Roy followed it and saw a giant box and a brand spanking new white mattress sitting at their front door. His eyebrows furrowed.

"What is that?" he asked, even though it was pretty clear what it was and it wasn't hard to guess what was in the box.

Ed's grin broadened. "Our new bed. And mattress."

Roy gave him an exasperated look. "Our new what? When did we get a new bed?"

"When I decided the one we have now is too damn creaky." Roy raised an eyebrow at that— he'd rather always enjoyed the creaky bed because he secretly thought it complimented the sound of their lovemaking very nicely. Apparently Ed didn't think so, because he was excitedly going on about how, "this one won't make stupid sounds every damn time you get up in the middle of the night to clean or whatever and wake me up! And it's mahogany, so it's great quality, and it was on sale for thirty percent off, and now it matches your dresser and—"

Roy interrupted him with a fond chuckle. "You're something else, you know that?"

Ed snapped his mouth shut. "What do you mean by that?"

"You're excited by a bed," Roy pointed out, eyes sparkling at Ed's indignant tone. A small grin found its way onto his face when Ed's eyes took on a sneaky glint and his cheeks flushed a pleasant pink.

"Of course I am," he responded, his voice mischievous and a bit naughty. "After all, we'll have to… break it in, if you know what I mean." His lips curved into a slight smirk and Roy found himself grinning back. Maybe a new bed wasn't such a bad idea after all.

"You might be able to twist my arm, Edward," he said with a quirked eyebrow. Ed's grin widened.

"Come on," he said, dragging Roy towards the box and mattress. "I already signed and paid. Help me drag it up to the room."

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A few hours later saw a lot of cursing and swearing and screaming and crying as they spread out the pieces to assemble and tried in vain to follow the instructions. It wasn't too bad, Ed supposed. They only threatened to break up twice and Roy only ran screeching to grab his gloves with the intent of burning the pieces to ash once.

"Pass me that screw," Ed said, holding a couple nails between his teeth. Roy picked up a nail and went to hand it to him, but Ed let out an impatient growl and said, "No, a screw, dipshit."

Roy threw his hands up in frustration. "What the fuck is the difference?"

"The difference, Roy," Ed said through grit teeth, "is that you screw a screw and nail a nail. Now give me the fucking screw before these pieces fall apart."

"That's ridiculous. The definition is essentially the same. I can screw you, or I could nail you, and it means the exact fucking same thing."

Ed rolled his eyes heavenward. He made a twirling motion with his finger. "Screw," he explained in a slow voice, like he was talking to a confused child, "and nail," he finished, wamming his fist against his open palm. "Got it? Fuck, it's not that hard."

"I get it, but I still don't see why the hell there are two different kinds of thingies," Roy muttered, passing Ed the required screw, "It's fucking pointless."

"No it's not," Ed responded impatiently. He grabbed a screwdriver and started putting the screw in, spitting the nails in his mouth onto the ground before tersely asking, "Fuck, didn't you ever build anything before?"

"Nothing like this," Roy snapped. "This is fucking bullshit." He tossed the instruction manual at Ed. "Like, what the fuck is that? Step three? It looks like it's telling us that that post and that plank are having sex. Fucking look." He jabbed a finger at it angrily. Ed grabbed the paper and scowled.

"It's just saying to put the post in that hole, idiot."

"Basically they are having sex."

"Oh my god, they are not having sex, it's wood for fuck's sake." Then he noticed Roy grin and snapped, "Actual wood, not like that. Get your damn mind out of the gutter."

"Sorry," Roy muttered, rolling his eyes. "You were the one who mentioned breaking in the bed."

"That was hours ago! Focus, damn it!" Then the pieces Ed was attempting to hold together as he reached for a nail this time fell apart and he cursed loudly. "For fuck's sake! Fucking stay!"

"See? I'm not the only one who thinks this is ridiculous!"

"Shut the fuck up, I got this—" The pieces slid apart again and clattered back onto the ground. For a moment, Ed stared blankly, and then he threw his head back and shrieked, "I fucking said stay!"

"Let me try," Roy said, shoving him aside (not gently) and not giving a fuck because he was pissed because this was ridiculous. He put the pieces how Ed had them and held them firmly together. "Pass me a… what? Is this a nail or a screw thing?"

"Nail," Ed said shortly, looking peeved beyond belief. His hair was tied up in a messy bun and his bangs shoved back with some random clips and even though he looked adorable Roy was too annoyed at this whole situation to really notice. "How come you got it to stay?" Ed pouted grumpily. "That's not fair."

"Hell if I know," Roy muttered, putting the nail in how he thought it should go. Ed handed him the hammer. Roy stared at it. "I'm not using that."

"Why the hell not? That's how you nail shit."

"What if I hit my thumb?"

Ed stared at him exasperatedly. "Then fucking boo-hoo! Damn it, Roy, it's not like you've never felt pain before! Suck it up!"

"Just because I've felt pain before doesn't mean I'd like to feel it again." Roy frowned and shoved the hammer back Ed's way. "You do it then. You have a metal hand."

"Goddamnit, are you that much of a fucking pussy?"

"Shut your mouth you shrimp, I still have my gloves on you know," Roy snapped back.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE'D GET LOST UNDERNEATH ALL THESE NAILS? YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

"I never said—" Then the pieces fell apart again, and there was a very long moment of silence after they hit the ground with a dull 'thud' and stayed still as if mocking them. Ed was making a growling sound low in his throat that sounded almost animalistic. Roy's eyebrow twitched. Then Ed flopped onto his back and wailed to the ceiling about how much life sucked and how fucking unfair this was and how it was fucking stupid and that beds shouldn't be this goddamned hard to put together, damn it as Roy just sat there trying to resist the urge to burn every single piece to ash. He lost.

"Alright," he said in a decided voice, "I am going to burn it all now." He raised his hand and was about to snap when Ed gasped and tackled his arm away.

"You can't!" he cried. "This cost so much fucking Cenz it isn't even funny! Don't even think about burning it! We still have to break it in!"

Roy was so annoyed he tried to shove him off, but Ed clung to his arm like a barnacle. "Fuck, Ed! This is bullshit! Go call a fucking professional or some shit, I'm not doing this!"

"There is no such thing as a professional bed-assembler!" Ed griped. He grabbed Roy's hand and struggled for a moment between Roy squirming to get away and trying to avoid the sharp screws to get his glove off. Frustrated, he finally pinned Roy's arm to the ground and managed to whip it off before chucking it to the other side of the room. He did the same to the other hand until they were both lying there panting and pissed and huffing and puffing and glaring at each other. After a long while of intense glaring, Roy's lips started twitching and Ed's eyes were squinted and weird like he was trying to repress a laugh. Finally, Roy let out a small snicker, and then Ed doubled over giggling, and soon enough they were lying on the ground laughing way harder than they probably should be.

"Professional bed-assembler," Ed wheezed. "You fucking moron."

"It's a legitimate necessity," Roy said defensively through another bout of sniggers. He finally sighed, staring up at the ceiling. "Ed?"

"What?"

"This is way harder than it should be."

"I agree," Ed said, propping himself up on his elbows. "I need a fuckin' break. Maybe some damn alcohol."

"No alcohol. You're still underage."

Ed rolled his eyes. "That doesn't stop you from fucking me into the mattress, now does it?"

"Shut up, that's different." Roy sat up and sighed again, crawling to the nearest pieces and then looking over each one of them. "Let's just finish this stupid thing."

"So we can break it in?"

"Fuck that, I'm gonna need a drink before anything after we're done this."

"But you said I couldn't have one! That's not fair!"

"Sucks to suck, Ed." Roy held two pieces together and pinned one in place with his knee. He held his hand out. "Pass me a nail."

"That's a place for a fucking screw, you idiot."

"Oh, for fuck's sake, pass me a fucking screw then you damned shrimp."

Ed tossed one at him and glared. "Screw you."

"Gladly, if we could ever fucking get this bed put together." Roy put his hand out. "Another nail."

"Fucking screw, Roy."

"Whatever."

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KissMeDeadlyT-T: Seriously though, I don't understand screws and nails. Do they have different purposes or do you just randomly decide to use a screw instead of a nail or vice-versa? - w- This is why I don't build things.