Chapter 29
In the quiet of the chalet garden feeling more relaxed about things Meg watched fascinated as Ben suddenly woke up and sat up making sure he didn't get tangled with the sleeping bags he'd been lying on or his own bag he'd clutched to he chest, which he now opened and started to rummage through. But then she got worried realising he hadn't bothered to actually look around to see where he was or if anyone was nearby, and hoped that was because he knew where he was, felt safe and knew she was there, which meant he would talk to her in a moment when he found what he was looking for.
She wasn't to keen on just talking to him out of the blue as she wasn't in his line of sight so perhaps he didn't know she was there and wondered if this was an automatic reaction. …Wake up got to bag … to do what … see if everything was there … what to do next … see food and eat … see clothes and change … if wet get coat … or perhaps find whatever it was that was on his mind at the moment and deal with it. Suddenly she felt a rush of anger as her mind hit out at what she was seeing… He guarded it, clutched it, slept with it and went straight to it on waking …Didn't care about anything else … Dam it! He could be attacked while he was so absorbed by it. Hell! It was more precious than her or his friends or his life.
Horrified by her reaction she quickly tried to counteract them … He did care for them … he'd gone from Sunset Beach to help them and himself get over the shock and grief that surrounded them that Christmas. It wasn't his fault Fate raised her ugly head again. … And Jenny was right … the bag held everything he needed to keep him safe so he could come back to them … and he had come back to them ... had trusted her to drive him and take care of him. … It was her not him so she had to put aside her … what … fear, pride jealousy of the bag and concentrate on helping him.
Coming to terms with her emotional thoughts she saw he was getting out and opening his food box and quietly got up to walk over and stop him. Knowing he needed to keep the food in his box just in case he left them …not that she wanted him to or was going to allow him to … but if he slipped their net somehow the food would stay edible for weeks. And hoped he was just checking his box and would remember he'd eaten earlier. She also hoped he would recognise her voice and her as at least a friend or workmate and said gently but firmly. "Ben … you don't need those we'll be going over to the centre soon to look at the plants and have lunch with Jenny. But if you want something I can get it from the chalet."
Ben froze at the sound of her voice then silently looked up to see who'd spoken and realised as she was close and looking at him … he was being addressed and he was Ben.
Meg's heart raced as she noticed the slight tilt of his head and puzzled expression and knew he could be silent and not know her … could possibly start thinking she was a threat as she standing over him. So she decided to sit beside him on the sleeping bag, but as she sat down she realised she might be just that little bit too close … be intruding in his personal space. Not that she was touching him but all the same he might feel threatened by her just doing it and realised moving away now could also cause a problem as would a long silence as she pondered what to do for the best and what if he didn't even know her and said gently pointing to herself. "I'm Meg … your friend. Do you remember me?"
Ben nodded, remembering briefly that she'd worked silently beside him in this garden and turned his attention to closing the box ready to put it back in his bag now he knew he would be eating soon. Whenever that was, but that didn't matter she would tell him she'd obviously been close by while he slept.
Seeing Ben starting to put the box in his bag, and trying to sound calm in spite of her racing heart and nerves as this was trickier than earlier Meg continued. "Ben … you've got a photo album in your bag if you get it out we can go through the photos and I can remind you of what we've done this morning. After that we can put the photo of the pond being lined in, I hope you don't mind it was done while you slept. Jenny and I thought it would save time."
Whispers of something drifted through Ben's mind and though still confused nodded and found a book. Seeing and touching it he knew it was the photo album she mentioned though nothing came to mind about what was in it so he handed it to her and waited. He didn't truly remember her or the pond she talked about but something deep down within him told him he trusted her and knew her voice had heard it here before he slept.
Still wary about getting too close to Ben Meg moved a bit and put the album between them rather than have him leaning over to see it if it was on her lap. She opened it knowing they started with the ones she'd taken earlier and the on he'd taken of her was right at the back so there was no danger of him closing down before he opened up again and with luck she might even be able to stop before then anyway. Guessing he wouldn't need full details she told him briefly about them realising that when she got to her own family and the Mission she'd have to be ready to give more detail if he asked for them. At first she found his silent and still acceptance of what she was doing disconcerting, there were no nods or shakes of his head nor did he stop her from turning the pages. Then just as she was starting to wonder if she was doing it wrong he gave a definite nod of his head for her to go on and realised as it was to do with round here he might not need to ask anything and saw the next one was of her family in their garden and knew she'd have to think carefully what to say.
She nearly jumped as Ben quickly put his hand on the page with his finger on her mother; her mind flashed back to his earlier reaction to that photo and said gently "My mother Joan we ate some of her biscuits at the top of this garden this morning … she'd made them for you and you enjoyed them."
She smiled at his nod and his finger moved to her father "Hank my father." She saw a nod and expected more but Ben's finger pointed to something which was nearly off the picture. Remembering what happened in the other session explained and added. "The gazebo and there's a swinging chair in it … Sara couldn't make the photo though she and Gabi had the idea of doing them for you." Seeing a definite nod this time she turned over to one of Casey and saw another nod then his finger point down to Casey's left hand and she understood and said gently. "Yes he married Sara while you were away and they are both very happy."
Turning over the next page she relaxed and went through the other photos knowing what he wanted and repeated things as he signed for them and understood when he asked for the page to be turned back to another. With these actions and the more relaxed body language she hoped this meant pieces of the puzzle were clunking into place and he would soon be back to speaking … that was so much easier and nicer … though this was nice in its way.
She turned over the page and realised it was the last one the one he'd done of her and was surprised by the look of love coming from her in it. … All her worries about him and what was happening seemed to have disappeared completely …her eyes sparkled … her smile was deep and meaningful …and she suddenly felt that feeling of warmth, love and security rush through her, and knew he'd put his hand on hers instead of on the page to stop her from closing the book as they'd finished.
Not that she was going to close the album; she wanted to study the photo there was something it about that rang a cord. But his touch made her look at him and she saw the gentlest puzzled expression ever and it nearly took her breath away and yet at the same time make her want to ask the gentle concerned question "What is it?".
Somehow she managed to stay silent wondering what going on in his mind … and felt his touch leave her hand and so looked down to see why and what hand signal was coming if any. And watched his finger gently trace the outline of her face on the photo, then gently brush it against her cheeks on the photo and then he brought his hand upwards and she knew what was going to happen next and looked at him letting him do it.
Staying still, barely breathing she resisted the temptation to lean into his gentlest touch as his fingers brushed against her hair as he traced the outline of her face, then she felt them against her cheeks … the lightest of touches almost as though he was brushing her away tears if she were crying. Then his touch left her and he silently turned away from her to find his bag.
Meg felt totally bereft of his touch … of his love … of his attention but still and silent believing something had just clunked into place in his mind. She was sure she'd seen the merest flicker of something … recognition or realisation … flash across his face just before his fingers left her cheeks and now he was turning out his bag. She didn't dare move or ask what it was in case he lost that flicker of thought and was amazed at the pile that was growing beside him and saw a lot of money envelopes Antonio had mentioned. And wondered if he remembered it all or did he forget them till he saw them and seeing them now they would become more pieces in his jigsaw puzzle mind….
Her thoughts stopped as he brought out a clear plastic bag with what looked like a crumpled piece of paper in it. She knew immediately this was precious as he carefully smoothed it out without opening the bag and then gently it on his lap and signed he would like to put the album on his lap. She nodded and handed it over and watched almost mesmerized by the gentleness that came from his body language and his hands as he laid crumpled piece of paper besides the photo of her in the album.
Seeing them side by side she realised it could have been a photo and could make out some light and dark bits … comparing them with the other photo she reckoned it could be a face of someone with long dark hair. Her stomach tightened and a shiver run down her spine and she tried to keep any distress out of her face realising it had been her face, her hair …and had been screwed up beyond recognition. With mind numbing certainly she understood why the other struck a cord with her with her. Somehow consciously or unconsciously he'd managed to get her to reproduce the original right down loving smile...
Her thoughts stopped and her heart miss a beat as she felt the warmth of his fingers as they gently traced her face again, and then as they left her face she followed them down to the wreck of a photo and watched them gently trace the shape of the face again. And suddenly with a racing heart she understood why he kept his bag so close … he'd been protecting her and now possibly for the first time in a long time he knew the wreck of a photo and the person were one … and was now beside him. … That she was his soulmate … was his Meg.
Slowly she came to terms with such a mind blowing thought and let it and her heart settle and let whatever emotions Ben was feeling settle … till she noticed he was totally still. Still like a statue looking down at the photo with his fingers gently resting on where her cheeks would have been and she said gently hoping not to scare him. "Ben"
She knew the crumpled wreck of photo had kept him sane the months he'd been kidnapped in Seattle and couldn't imagine the flashes of memory that must be going through his mind now. She also knew he needed to be here in the present so she could reassure him everything was alright. … He'd survived what happened then and whatever happened since and could move on and most of all, that she was real and loved him and there was nothing to fear anymore.
Putting her hand out to touch his hand to give him any support he might need she hesitated and moved it to his sleeved arm just in case the warmth, love and security she felt when they touched might be too much for him at the moment and said gently. "Ben it's all right. Everyone is safe and we understand."
Through the mishmash of things racing through his mind Ben heard her voice and it brought things to ahead … he'd found his soulmate and he felt safe. He looked at her face saw that gently look of concern mixed with understanding and knew he had to find his voice to try and explain things even if he could not fully remember or comprehend them.
When he spoke his voice was soft and halting. "I never really lost you … just could not put it all together … somehow I knew by keeping my bag safe and as close as I could I would be all right … I would find what was most precious to me." He paused and looked down at the crumpled photo as he carried on. "In the basement in Seattle I would take it out … see and hear you so clearly … some when after that it got screwed up beyond recognition like my mind … I'm sorry."
"Don't be." Meg said gently, though she feared he might have been so angry at her at some point he screwed it up to destroy it and then calmed down and flattened it out and protected it. She had seen the photo and heard its history as they walked away from the basement in Southern Avenue Christmas Eve morning then it had hardly a crease on it. He had tucked it away and said he would always keep it with him. She knew now she should have stayed with him that day regardless … but at the time it had felt right to leave him so she could sort herself and…
Ben's reassuring voice broke into her thoughts and she looked at him. "Meg, I might not remember everything but I know I was never that angry with you… A little cross at times perhaps … but never enough to do that to your photo ... or you. I don't know how it came to be in the plastic bag either … but I do know I used to look at it and something stirred deep down inside me. … For some reason I could not see you or hear you properly. … I think I could see you in my sleep but daytime came and I could not find you or memories no matter how hard I tried. … Perhaps if I could have made people see the photo properly I could have found you earlier I don't know. …What I do know is I've found you now and I'm staying. … When I took the photo this morning I think something deep down knew you were that wreck of a photo and that you were real and you are my soulmate and that I'd truly come home. But I needed to see the two to understand it."
Meg felt tears threaten and was nearly too emotional to speak but knew he needed to understand her silence was not condemnation if anything the reverse, his love had never failed and never would and said gently. "Ben, don't push for reasons … or memories ... we are together now and nothing is going to come between us." And put her hand on his so they were touching the crumpled photo that had been so close to him and felt that familiar rush of warmth, love and security and hoped he would feel the same.
To her surprise he looked down at their hands and she wondered if her touch was too much for him then he looked at her again and this time she saw sadness in his eyes and his voice that brought her down to earth with bump as he hesitantly said. "What … if I've done something very wrong while I've been away? … I don't want to hurt you again; you've been through so much."
Meg smiled she couldn't help it he was so concerned for her yet he'd been the one out on the road without them and reassured him. "Ben if you've done something wrong then we will face that together and we will have our friends around us. But to be honest I think you would have been arrested long ago that jumper's a dead give away."
He looked down at the jump he was wearing and nodded and said quietly almost to himself. "She gave them out to keep us warm and so we wouldn't get lost." Then shook his head and looked at her slightly puzzled "I think it's gone."
Meg asked gently getting her emotions under control. "Was it the farm with Betsy?"
The mention of the name brought a flash picture in Ben's mind so he nodded and said. "We sat on the bench and watched the ducks … I need to find her and Bob then it will come back properly but I don't know where they are."
Meg smiled hearing the gentleness in his voice and knew they had to be good memories even if he didn't know them and reassured him as she gently let go of his hand knowing they needed to move away from memories and on to knowing what had been happening while he slept. "They are seeing Jude and Tyus and if it's okay they should be here this afternoon. Jenny's taken the list of plants and we can check them when we have lunch at the garden centre. … There will be people around but not too many or if you'd rather we can have it delivered here and she'll bring the plants over later."
The other memories gone Ben looked around taking in the pond, the stones around it and remembered exactly where they were and asked. "Her mother's roast on the menu?"
Meg nodded and laughed seeing a smile of anticipation cross his face and knew that part of his memory must have clicked into place during his sleep and as he started to put things back in his bag he carried on "So Jenny's been here and laid the lining."
She heard the tease in his voice and matched it as she corrected gently. "Her workers did we sat and chatted." and took the photo album and screwed up photo adding. "Shall I put the photo in the album and add the others … perhaps we should take one just before or as we fill it."
Ben paused and looked at her then nodded with a gentle "Okay. … Thank you." then carried on squeezing things back into his bag adding. "We could fill it before we eat then if it stays filled we can put the water plants in as they'll have soil blocks with them and then do the other planting."
Meg nodded carefully easing the screwed up photo into its new home knowing Ben was back to being a working partner as they had been earlier, which was fine by her. The rush of hugs and possibly kisses of lovers would have been wrong for them both no matter how much she wanted it. But at least he knew deep down she was his soulmate and would stay no matter what and she would prove her deep love for him overtime. And she could never be jealous of his bag again but she felt more than a little worried about the reason he'd screw the photo up if it was not at anger at her then what caused it and how could she get a message to Jude.
