James Rhodes, Best Man


Rhodey turned this way and that, examining his reflection in the mirror. He looked damn good, in his opinion. Then again, when the hell didn't he look damn good?

"What's so wrong with wanting to know?" Tony pushed, holding out his arms as a man took his measurements.

Rhodey shook his head. "It's supposed to be a surprise."

"I don't always like your kinds of surprises, platypus." Tony paused as his throat was measured, which only took a few seconds. "And if you're going to be my best man then you're obviously going to give a speech. So let's hear it."

"Fine. I don't have it word for word…"

"The wedding isn't for another month. I don't expect it to be word for word yet."

"… but I was considering telling everyone about the time that I first met you."

Tony chuckled at the memory. "Ah, yes. That day, I heard the first of many ridiculous stories that – while probably untrue – are nevertheless quite funny."

"I remember most of what I told you, but I don't remember why."

"Obadiah thought it would be good publicity if Stark Industries forged a friendship with the military."

Rhodey nodded. "The people making the weapons and the people using them."

"Right. You'd just gotten back from Canada…"

"And when I told you that, you said…"

**

Tony nodded. "Wow. Canada, huh? Must've been cold."

Rhodey gave Tony a very serious look. "Yes," he said slowly, as though slightly confused or perhaps drunk. "Canada; it was a frozen, hostile wasteland. And there was much work to be done if we were to survive the elements."

Tony's eyebrows shot up to his hairline. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that – "

"After mooring a hole though the ice to find food," he continued without pause, "one of the locals – and now my good friend – Nantook and I would build an igloo to protect ourselves from polar bears… and flying hockey pucks." Tony almost snickered, but tried to control himself. Rhodey wasn't exactly trying to be funny, he was just trying to be a smartass. He couldn't help it, however, if he was accomplishing both.

Rhodey sighed heavily. "Then we would drink a lot of beer. And when Nantook was ready, he would tell me the story of the great moose…" Tony coughed to disguise his laughter. "… who said to the little squirrel, 'hey, Rockey…' "

Both Tony doubled over in laughter, apparently hearing nothing else.

**

"You could do better than that," Tony said, stepping off the platform and motioning for Rhodey to take his place. "You could do a lot better than that. That wasn't one of my shining moments."

Rhodey spread his arms. "You say that as if you have so many to choose from…"

"Hardy-har-har."

"Okay, so how about the time that I first met Pepper?"

Tony genuinely laughed at that. "That'd probably be worse."

**

Rhodey and Tony had spent most of the morning in Tony's workshop; Rhodey chilling on the couch playing Pokemon (red version) on his Gameboy and Tony working on a motorcycle engine. When they heard the unmistakable click of high heels descending the staircase, Tony started and turned to Rhodey with a warning expression. "Don't you dare mess this up," he hissed. "She's only been working for me for three weeks, and she's still getting used to my sexual jokes."

"What, you think I'm worse than you?!"

Tony shook his head. "I think you can be as bad as me when you want to be."

"What does it matter? Three weeks must be some kind of record. Fifty bucks says she quits in a week and a half."

Tony glanced at the doorway as the red head entered in an access code. "I don't think so. Not this time. This one is different."

She strolled in purposefully and handed Tony a small white cup, which he finished in one swallow. She set the cup aside and flipped through a stack of files that she was carrying. "Mr. Stark, the meeting with Mr. Cage at – "

"Cancel it," Tony said carelessly.

"Fabulous," she said flatly. "And the paperwork that you need to review to prepare for that meeting can probably wait."

"Can you help me with this engine?"

She put her hands on her hips. "Do you know how many times I've rescheduled that meeting, Mr. Stark?"

"Seriously, Pepper," Tony said, ignoring all else that she said. "I could use your help with this."

She glanced at Rhodey out of the corner of her eye. All this time he'd thought that she didn't know he was there, but it seemed that she'd been ignoring him. Or maybe she'd been waiting for Tony to introduce them. "You want my help," she asked, raising her eyebrow. "More than his?"

"You know this sort of thing better than Rhodey does. By the way, that guy over there is Rhodey."

"I figured."

"He's in the Air Force."

Rhodey huffed, not bothering to look up from his game. "I'm a Marine, dumbass."

Pepper shook her head before setting the stack of files aside and peering over Tony's shoulder. Rhodey watched as Tony mumbled for her to hold some part of the engine that he was working on and to set certain pieces aside. The real trouble came when Tony began speaking loud enough for Rhodey to hear.

"Not like that, Pepper," he said. "Don't be gentle. Yank on it."

Rhodey perked up at that, hitting pause and setting the game aside.

"It won't come," Pepper said.

"It can't be that hard," Rhodey mumbled, trying not to laugh.

Pepper glared at him. "Do you want to give this a tug?"

He took a deep breath. He'd more or less promised to behave… "No thanks. I'm straight."

"Whatever," she mumbled as she went back to her task.

"Okay, Pepper," Tony said impatiently. "That's not helping. Just hold still and I'll put that in."

"It won't fit."

"I'll make it fit."

"That's the wrong hole!"

Rhodey was breathing erratically, trying so hard not to laugh.

"Is it in, Tony?"

"Does it feel like it's in?"

"Oh, God," Rhodey muttered, covering his mouth.

"Well, nothing will happen if you just stick it in and leave it. Wiggle it around or somethi – "

An indignant scream made Rhodey jump nearly a foot in the air. Pepper dropped the engine part and stepped back, glaring death at Tony as she attempted to rub away the oil that had splashed all over her. "What the hell?!" she screeched. "It's on my face, my hands are sticky… Some got in my eye!!"

"I'm sorry!" Tony cried, handing her a towel. "That's never happened before! Not like that!"

"Bullshit! You knew it would spit at me if I held it like that!!"

Rhodey finally broke. "That's what she said," he cheered as he clapped excitedly. "That's what she said! That's what she said!! THAT'S. WHAT. SHE. SAID!!!!!" He slid from the couch to the ground, rolling back and forth and howling in laughter.

"I hate you both," Pepper said in a deadpan voice as she stomped out of the workshop.

**

Rhodey snickered. "She didn't like me much after that, did she?"

Tony smirked. "Nope. Took her a whole month to warm up to you."

"Okay, so that one's out. What about the moment that I knew you and Pepper were made for each other."

Tony nodded slowly. "That could work, though it would depend on what that moment happened to be…"

**

Pepper sat down next to Rhodey on the couch, her face devoid of emotion. From what he'd heard, Pepper had just had to reschedule seven different meetings because Tony had said that he was too hungover to go to any of them. Then he'd gotten a cup of espresso in him and he was ready to go, and she'd had to reschedule all the rescheduled meetings.

Rhodey certainly didn't envy her job.

"You know," she said flatly, "sometimes when I'm working, I smell something foul and walk around for a few minutes trying to find out where it's coming from. It takes me a while before I realize that it's just the stench of my fast approaching mortality."

Rhodey looked at Pepper knowingly. "You love this job."

"I absolutely do not."

He smirked as he sat back. "If you didn't love this job then you would've quit a long time ago. I at least know you that well. You love this job."

"Hate it."

"Denial springs eternal."

"It's not denial," she said haughtily. "I'm just very selective about the reality I accept."

"Listen to that! You're even starting to sound like him."

Pepper smiled as she opened her laptop. "Fine, you win. As cumbersome as he may be, I do enjoy working for that clown. I'd live here if I could."

"You know I'd let you," Tony shouted from the other room.

"You wouldn't, because then you'd have to stop bringing random females home." Tony kept silent, as though he was truly considering the pros and cons of agreeing to that. "I'm not moving in," Pepper called back.

"Dammit," Tony hissed.

**

Tony raised an eyebrow skeptically. "That's when you knew?!"

"You paused," he said, as if that explained everything. "She suggested that if she moved in then you'd have to stop bringing over women to your house. And you paused. You, Tony 'Let's Hop In Bed' Stark, do not pause when it comes to women. But you paused for her."

Tony opened his mouth as though to refute that statement, but closed his mouth and shrugged. "I paused," he agreed.

"You two are a match made in hell."

Tony clapped his hands and Rhodey smiled wide. "Alright then," Tony said with a nod. "Let's go with that story."

Perfect, Rhodey thought. All that was left was the bachelor party, and he was sure that Tony would like that surprise...


Inspired by Toothpaste for Dinner, a Jim Carrey comedy sketch, and Calvin and Hobbes, to name a few…