Going Home
A/N: Apologies for the delay in updating this story and a heartfelt thank you to those who are still sticking with this story and continue to read it. :-)
Chapter 29
Steve lay facing the back of the Palmer's couch, his mind still churning and his stomach threatening to follow suit. He couldn't get Mikey's face out of his head. His surly, obnoxious cousin had always seemed to resent Steve's presence in his house and always actively looked for every opportunity he could to try and humiliate Steve and on more occasions than he cared to remember he had gotten him into trouble with Uncle Henry. They were the humiliating things, the things he never had any intention of telling Mike or anyone ... ever.
They were the witless pranks of a disturbed mind or that was how Steve had always seen them up to this. As he lay there he closed his eyes as long buried painful memories came flooding back to him and he was forced to relive them in his head. He remembered the many occasions that Mikey had gotten him into trouble in the new school Henry had insisted he attend while under his roof. Being the unfortunate new kid, Steve had been beaten up several times when Mikey had lied and purposefully told the resident bullies that Steve had called them names and laughed at how pathetic they were.
After numerous sore ribs and multicolored bruises sustained in those totally unprovoked attacks, where his Grandfather's moral values about no fighting had caused Steve not to fight back, Steve noticed Mikey hanging around watching and laughing as Steve would drag himself up off the ground painfully and gather up his strewn books and belongings to make the painful journey home. By the time he'd get home, Mikey would have beaten him to it and would be standing on the porch with his mother and father having told them that Steve had been fighting again. Steve had never explained what had really happened. After all what was the point? They wouldn't have believed him anyway. So he always took his punishment wordlessly and never spoke as his Aunt Rose would patch up his many cuts and bruises and fix his torn uniforms while she sobbed and tried to convince him that fighting was not the best way to deal with the grief and trauma of his Grandfather's death, while silently in his head he counted the months, days and even sometimes the hours until he could finally escape his living hell.
On the third and final occasion it happened, one day after school, the bullies had made the distinct bad move of insulting Steve's deceased parents and Steve had lost it and retaliated and a well aimed fist had connected correctly and sent one of the bullies running with a broken nose. His own face that particular day had seen better days as a large purple bruise covered his right cheek and his knuckles that had caused the damage had swollen alarmingly but he hadn't cared. The bullies never bothered him again after that but gave him a wide berth instead, mumbling about the crazy new kid as they passed, much to Mikey's annoyance and even though it had meant a week suspension from school for brawling as no-one believed his bullying claim and a week confined to his room as Henry's new form of punishment, Steve had felt that it was worth it, for just that once to feel as if he had finally gotten the upper hand and come out on top.
Rose had insisted on collecting Steve from school for months after that, not trusting him to behave himself and Mikey had taken great pleasure in teasing him over the fact continuously but Steve never rose to the endless taunting. Steve did however become very popular after his bully trouncing episode and as his reputation preceded him, every new kid and all those who were needlessly picked on tended to hang around Steve and therefore were left well alone. Steve became their protector and he kind of liked the fact that he could help others to avoid the unpleasantness that he had been forced to endure.
However Steve's new found popularity only served to anger Mikey even more. The more Steve thought about it he realized that everything he seemed to do angered Mikey whether intentionally or not. His grades were always better than Mikey's although granted, that wouldn't have been a difficult achievement. The numerous times he started being grounded and confined to his room for very little reason meant he had little else to do but study and schoolwork but again Steve never minded. Steve preferred the confinements to the previous punishments that Henry used to inflict on him and actually grew to like the solitude and the time by himself.
It was around about that time that Mikey's siblings started to notice Mikey's meanness towards their cousin and started to compensate for it by being nice to him instead. Steve became quite friendly with them after that and on several occasions Melissa and Robert had sneaked cookies and snacks up to Steve's window during his confinements and on one or two occasions even managed to sneak him up a dessert or two. Robert was a terrific climber and used to scale the tree outside Steve's room to pass on the forbidden treats. Steve was very grateful for their consideration although he always worried that they'd be caught and punished too but Robert knew his Father's routine very well and always picked his times carefully. He also worried that Mikey would find out and rat on them but again Melissa's job was always lookout during the secret missions.
It was during those times of confinement that Steve became content in his own company and most probably became the reason he had over the following years, very rarely let anyone get too close. His trust in humanity had been severely tested and broken during those three hellish years and those feelings stayed deep within him even still.
As Steve lay there mulling everything over in his head, he realized that he had never up to this point in his life ever really analyzed why he acted or felt the way he did on a daily basis and thinking so deeply about it now made him realize how much those years had influenced him in so many ways and not in any good way. He found a smile forming as he thought about what Lenny would say if he knew that he was lying there making up his own psychological profile and doing the kindly psychologist out of a job.
Thinking about it more, he further realized that it was only when he met Mike and afterwards Jeannie that he started to feel safe with people again and they were the only ones he really trusted for a very long time. But he had gotten better after that. Trust wasn't so much an issue anymore. After all he was trusting Gerry and Betty right now and the guys at the precinct and many friends that he had made since then but the letting anyone close part was still a hang up of sorts. He still was happier on his own even in times of stress or sadness or after a really bad day at work, his apartment and the sound of silence remained his one true comfort. Although he smiled again to himself when he realized that Mike was gradually managing to be accepted into that sanctuary as well.
It was as if Mike could always read his mind and seemed to know when he needed his own space but after leaving him for an hour or two he would always show up with a question about work or returning something that Steve had "forgotten". Steve knew they were only excuses, reasons to gain access to Steve's apartment so that he could check up on him but Steve never minded and by then was glad of Mike's familiar presence. Mike always knew the right things to say and also more importantly when words were not necessary or wanted and the times they spent in silence became almost as comforting as the many pearls of wisdom Mike always imparted in his many pep talks. Being cut from the same cloth as Mike, Jeannie's presence was also highly acceptable to Steve too as she inherited her Father's keen people reading skills and always seemed to know as well when he needed company or just needed to be left alone. He smiled as he thought about Mike and Jeannie and how comfortable he felt around them compared to the dread and strangeness he felt when around most of his true blood relations.
His pleasant thoughts of Mike and Jeannie once more turned to the Ryans as his smile quickly faded. As time had worn on in that dreadful house, Steve had noticed that, Robert and Melissa started getting picked on and punished needlessly by Henry more and more and while he could never prove it Steve always felt that Mikey was telling tales on them out of jealousy at how they had befriended him and felt guilty for their trial by association. However he often repaid the favors and looked after each of them in return by helping them with extra inflicted chores or by providing treats when they were grounded too. But despite all his current evaluations of life at the Ryans, the one that startled him most was that all this time he had felt that Henry had been the main reason for his suffering but in the last hour or more of uninterrupted thought he had just realized that Mikey seemed to always be in the background of every bad thing that happened to Steve there. MIKEY! The distinct common denominator. Steve had never stopped to think that Mikey could have caused everything by his vindictiveness and jealousy. Mikey was Henry's favorite. In his eyes Mikey could do no wrong. How easily Mikey could have influenced Henry's thinking, his ability to lie equal only to the evil, vicious streak that seemed to run through him.
And now as his thoughts returned to his fallen friend Greg, all the pieces seemed to fit. Poor Greg ... Steve didn't even want to think about what Mikey would have told him about Steve or what lies he had spun to lure Greg into a habit that he would not recover from. Had it been a revenge of sorts or some form of payback for some deep seated grudge that Mikey had held against Steve, but one that Steve never fully understood? He didn't know but one thing he was certain about was that he would find out. Mikey had to be brought to account for what he did. His days of getting away with things were over. Steve was going to see to that. As his upset returned once more to rage, Steve felt the anger and years of hurt and betrayal build inside him like a dangerous tidal wave.
As he started to form a plan of action in his head, a hand on his shoulder startled him and made him jump as he turned quickly to see Gerry standing behind him.
"Sorry Steve ... I didn't mean to startle you. I was just checking on you that's all. Are ... you feeling any better? You still look a little shaky. Maybe I should call Betty huh?"
"NO! ... " Steve shouted a little too vehemently and then lowered his voice considerably and took better control over his breathing " No, there's no need for that. I'm fine. I just didn't hear you coming over. You just startled me that's all. I ... I guess I was a million miles away. But I'm feeling much better now. Really. There's no need to pull Betty out of work."
Gerry eyed Steve up suspiciously and Steve felt the older man's eyes bearing into his very soul and suddenly wondered by the way Gerry was staring, if his hidden plan was visibly etched on his face. He forced an embarrassed smile and really hoped that Gerry would buy his act. Luckily Gerry wasn't quite sure what to make of Steve's sudden strange behavior. He didn't know the young man well enough to know what was causing it and felt that Mike would be able to understand it better. Accepting that in this case on all points he was in way over his head he spoke again to the younger man, and in so doing unknowingly put Steve out of his misery.
"Ok, if you say so. Betty will be home in just over an hour anyway to give you your next meds so she can take a look at you then I suppose. Listen, the Chief of Police around here called just a few minutes ago. He needs me to head over to the station to give a statement about what happened the other night. But I'm not too sure you should be left on your own just yet after your two dizzy spells this morning."
Hearing a good opportunity to slip out presenting itself to him, Steve spoke more confidently.
"I'M FINE Gerry. Honest. You go ahead besides I'm not on my own, Mike's upstairs isn't he? If I feel unwell I promise to call him ok? You go do what you gotta do, ok?"
"Are you ... sure?" Gerry asked again feeling that something was not right with the young man or that he was hiding something from him.
"Absolutely. I'll probably just try and get some more sleep anyway."
"Ok ... but I won't be long and remember if you don't feel right just ..."
" ... I know, I know ... Call Mike. I will. "
"Ok, take it easy Steve. I'll see you in a bit."
"Ok, thanks. See ya!" Steve called as he watched Gerry leave the room and heard the front door open and close again.
He propped himself up on his right elbow and glancing carefully over the back of the couch out the front window, he saw Gerry get into his vehicle and drive away. Then he saw something else. Mike's car.
The voice inside his head that was demanding justice was telling him to go and find Mikey right there and then. After all, Mike was still asleep, Gerry would be gone for a while and Betty wasn't due for over an hour. He glanced at his watch and saw that it was coming up to eleven thirty. He wondered where Mike would have left the car keys. Would he have brought them upstairs with him? He really hoped not as the journey upstairs and back down felt a little too much for him at the minute but then he thought of where Mike often kept them back in his office in San Francisco! He often left them in his trench coat pocket and he had seen Mike's coat hanging in the hall earlier as Gerry had helped him upstairs. It was worth a try.
Turning around, he very slowly and carefully swung his legs off the couch and pulled himself upright. Then even more carefully he stood up. He felt a little off balance and held the arm of the nearest armchair until the reeling sensation passed. Then holding onto the wall he headed quietly out into the hall. Reaching Mike's coat he glanced briefly up the stairs feeling a little awkward at needing to rummage through Mike's coat pockets and hesitated for several seconds as he felt that he was violating some unspoken trust between them in so doing. He listened for any sound upstairs that would signal that Mike was awake and hearing none he leaned his head against the wall beside the coat rack as he tried to figure out in his fuddled, overloaded brain if he was doing the right thing or not. It felt wrong but Greg's face and Mikey's tormenting laugh wouldn't leave him be.
So without another thought he grabbed Mike's coat pocket and delved his hand inside. He felt the keys and sighed with relief but also felt what appeared to be a photo of some sorts. He pulled it out and saw Jeannie smiling up at him. He fingered the photo and smiled at the young lady in it and felt his emotions fray. A tear came to his eye as he thought about what they would both think of his plan. He knew that neither one would agree with it and would do everything in their power to stop him from going after Mikey especially in his current weakened state but he didn't have a choice. This was something he HAD to do and he only hoped that over time they would understand and forgive him.
He returned the photo and had placed his hand on the keys when he heard movement upstairs and withdrew his hand and turned quickly to try and return to the couch unseen but his feet weren't cooperating and in his haste his foot caught on the hall rug and he fell forward, landing heavily on his left side, jolting the cannula and banging his already afflicted left hand off the bottom stair. He cursed his clumsiness and fought back the yell of pain that rose in his throat as his hand burned mercilessly and the needle had contorted at his elbow painfully. Tears sprang to his eyes from the discomfort and just as he tried to gather his strength together so he could get himself up off the floor and he hoped against hope that Mike wouldn't find him like this, a shout from the top of the stairs told him at once his hopes were dashed.
"STEVE!"
Mike was racing down the stairs in his usual admirably sprightly fashion, alarm written all over his face. Steve tried to get his voice to work and reassure his partner that he was alright but much to his annoyance his voice wasn't cooperating either.
Reaching Steve, he stopped him from moving with a firm hand on the young man's back.
"Steve, don't try to move now until I get a look at you. What happened? Dear God! You didn't fall down the stairs did you?"
Steve was feeling the worst for wear. He was exhausted and upset and his left hand was throbbing mercilessly. But the thought of what he had he been about to do without confiding in Mike hurt worse than any physical pain that was manifesting itself on his left side. Even though fate meant that he hadn't had a chance to carry out his plan, he was still struggling with the guilt that he had intended to do it and still knew he would continue with what he had to do the very next chance he got. He had managed to convince himself that it was the only way. Swallowing hard, he forced words past his lips shakily as he began to struggle against Mike's restraint.
"No Mike, I didn't fall down the stairs. Now let me get up will you please? I'm ok ... I just tripped, fell and banged my left hand ... that's all ..."
"That's all huh?" Mike stated not sure if he believed the young man.
Mike looked Steve up and down while still restraining him and when he couldn't see any other signs of obvious injury he let Steve sit up and very carefully examined Steve's left hand. As Steve turned it over Mike gasped as he saw a steady stream of blood flowing from the newly opened needle puncture point on his hand. Steve's reaction was more primitive.
"OW!" he yelped as Mike pressed on the wound to try to stem the flow.
"Well, you've certainly done damage to that again Steve. Here press on that for me while I get you up off the floor. Are you sure no where else hurts?"
"Yes, unless you count my pride? " Steve tried to quip to distract himself from his feelings of guilt and betrayal as he took over applying pressure to the wound.
"Well, we can't put a band aid on that buddy boy." Mike said chuckling as he hauled Steve up and helped him back into the living room and sat him down on the couch.
The he stood up and looked for Betty's first aid kit and then not seeing it where it had been, he panicked when he figured that she had most likely brought it with her to work.
"Mike! I need help here, this is not stopping." Steve said alarmed as a pool of blood trickled from under his fingers.
Mike grabbed some tissues from a box on the coffee table and placed them onto the wound.
"Steve you must press harder on it in order to stop it" and removing Steve's hand he pressed hard down on it himself.
"Ouch Mike, that HURTS! " Steve yelled but Mike wasn't deterred.
"I'm sorry buddy boy. But I have to press this hard to stop it. "
"Ow, OW MIKE! " Steve moaned further as Mike seemed to press harder alarmed by the fact that the blood flow wasn't easing up.
"Steve, don't be a child! We have to stop the bleeding." Mike scolded, his voice filled with worry and concern and hating the fact that he was hurting his partner albeit out of necessity.
Mike's words hit home and suitably chastised, Steve quietened, wincing instead.
"Where's Gerry Steve?"
"He had to ... go out for a while ... "
"Out? Well he should have woken me and not left you here on your own."
"Mike, don't be mad at Gerry. This is not his fault, it was all mine. I told him it was ok. That I'd call you if I needed anything ..." Steve trailed off knowing the real reason he was so keen on letting Gerry go out in the first place.
"Well, what were you doing out in the hall anyway Steve?"
There was the question Steve had prayed wouldn't come. He didn't want to lie to Mike but he had no choice. He couldn't tell him his real intention or Mike would surely go ballistic and put paid to his plans.
"I ... I ..." Steve sought a valid reason. " thought I heard someone at the door ... But when I got there, there was no-one and I caught my foot on the rug and tripped as I was heading back to the couch ... I'm sorry Mike."
Steve looked down at his lap disgusted with himself for the blatant deception and feeling upset build within him as he knew the true reason why he was sorry. Mike saw the young man's downhearted look and felt that there was something else unspoken upsetting the young man.
"Now, now it's ok. " Then lifting the tissues he spoke again" Looks like this is finally stopping. Now we just need a first aid kit. There might be one in the kitchen. Just keep holding that firmly until I go check. You ok?"
Steve nodded as he pressed on the wound again but didn't catch Mike's eye. Mike was getting worried and his gut instinct was screaming at him that something was very off with his partner but before he could tackle him about it he had to get that wound dressed first, so he hurried off to the kitchen in search of medical supplies. After opening several presses, Mike found a first aid kit under the kitchen sink and hurried back to Steve.
While he had been gone, Steve had started to get upset. He felt terrible for lying to Mike and the shock of Mikey being involved in Greg's death was just starting to properly sink in. He felt his emotions catching in his throat and he was getting frustrated with them. They were constantly changing between upset, guilt and anger and he felt like he wasn't sure whether he was coming or going anymore. As he saw Mike coming back from the kitchen he cleared his throat and tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to form but Mike spotted how upset Steve was and became alarmed, sitting down beside the young man and placing a hand on his shoulder he spoke urgently.
"Steve? What's the matter?"
"Nothing ... I'm ok ..." Steve lied hoping that Mike would leave it at that but knowing in his heart that he was just wishful thinking.
Steve, you are NOT ok and you're going to have to stop saying you are when you very clearly AREN'T! Now talk to me please?"
When no response came he decided on a different tactic.
"Are you feeling sick again?"
Steve shook his head and so Mike continued.
"Well are you sure you didn't hurt anywhere else when you fell?"
"No Mike ... I didn't ... I swear ..."
"Then what's wrong? Is it me going to see your Aunt Rose? Is that was has you upset? Because if it is Steve, I won't go and that's all there is to it."
With all the latest developments Steve had forgotten about Mike's meeting with Rose. That would be the perfect opportunity to go looking for Mikey. Mike would be busy for a while with that and his Aunt would be out of the house too so Steve swallowed back the lump in his throat and spoke.
"No ... it's not that either Mike. I don't mind you going to meet Rose ..."
"Then what Steve? Damn it Steve, something is really upsetting you now out with it, buddy boy."
Mike wasn't letting up and Steve was losing his resolve.
"Mike ... I can't tell you ... Please ... don't ask me to ... " and he dropped his damaged left hand and put his hand over his face to block his torment instead.
The words struck Mike like a double edge sword and his worry increased double fold but whatever was bothering his partner must be pretty bad if he felt he couldn't confide in him. After all, Mike normally managed to worm most things out of Steve eventually. He began to wonder was it something to do with his Uncle Henry. Perhaps there had been other more vile punishments that Steve hadn't shared. In his current fragile state though, Mike decided not to push the matter further for now and squeezed Steve's right shoulder.
"Ok, let's just leave it for now then. You don't have to tell me but I've got to tell you Steve, you're scaring the hell out of me. Let's just patch up your hand for now alright?"
Steve nodded and opening the first aid kit, Mike got what he needed out and spent the next ten minutes quietly cleaning and dressing Steve's hand. During that time, Steve had managed to pull his emotions back together and was lying with his head back against the back of the couch completely caught up in his own misery. He had begun absentmindedly rubbing the spot where the cannula had twisted as he continued to think about Mikey in his head and how he was going to tackle him in his current state. Mike was keeping a close eye on his partner as he worked on the hand. He seemed so miserable and in a world of his own that it tore at Mike's heart and then he noticed the spot he was rubbing and more alarm bells went off in his head.
"STEVE? Did you hurt where that needle is, when you fell?"
The question tore Steve out of his trance and he realized that he was holding it and had alerted Mike in doing so.
"It twisted a little ... yeah ..."
"Twisted a little? Steve why didn't you say so? We need to check it." Mike replied, feeling exasperated by Steve's refusal to share important information.
Mike started to open Steve's shirt sleeve and slowly pulled the sleeve up. As it hit the cannula, Steve jumped a little and groaned.
"Ok, ok I'm sorry ..."
Around the site of the cannula looked a little red but other than that Mike couldn't see anything wrong with it.
"Well I'm no expert on those things but it looks ok to me. But we really need to get Betty to check it ..."
"Gerry said Betty was coming home soon to give me my next meds ... she can check it then Mike ..."
"Ok ... say is that a different shirt you're wearing by the way?"
Mike only just noticed that Steve was dressed differently.
"Yeah ... I was feeling better this morning ... I even managed to take a shower while you were asleep ..."
"A shower? " Mike questioned, not feeling that looking at him currently he would be even up to such a task yet. " By yourself?"
That part of Mike's questions turned out to be just the medicine Steve needed as for some reason he found it extremely funny and he started to laugh.
"Yes Mike, of course by myself. Who do you think I was gonna bring in there with me huh?" Steve said chuckling.
Mike realized his question had sounded peculiar and blushed slightly but he was also somewhat pleased that he had at least managed to get the young man to forget his misery for a few moments.
"Ok, ok wiseguy. You know what I meant. I just didn't think you were up to having a shower on your own yet that's all ..." he said swatting playfully at his partner.
But Steve was still laughing at Mike's absurd question.
"Ok, funny boy, you liked that huh? Me asking silly questions huh? Well when you get serious again how about I make us some tea and then I better go have a shower and shave too and freshen up before I meet your Aunt. My face is started to get a five o'clock shadow." Mike said as he rubbed at the stubble on his chin.
"By yourself?" Steve teased, laughing again.
Mike picked up Steve's pillow and swatted him with it as he ducked and protested still giggling.
"Hey watch it ... I am newly injured you know?"
"Very funny hotshot ... I'm not going to live that one down in a hurry am I?"
Steve shook his head smiling fondly and gratefully at Mike who could always manage to make him laugh even in the midst of despair.
"No ... but I'll let you off the hook ... eventually ..." he added as his giggles partially abated.
"You will huh? " Mike replied, a mischievous glint in his eye as he playfully pretended to take a swipe at Steve's sore hand.
"NO ... not the hand Mike! Ok, ok I'll let you off the hook now ..." Steve laughed knowing that Mike was only kidding around with him.
"Ok, funny boy ... you keep that smile on your face while I go make the tea.
"Ok, Mike ..."
As Mike packed up the first aid stuff and headed for the kitchen to make some tea, Steve watched him go and felt a little better about what he had to do. He realized how strong their friendship was that they could tease each other and yet neither ever took offense. Mike would be angry with him and he'd get one doozy of a telling off, that was for certain but Mike would forgive him. He somehow now was certain of that. Now he just had to pick the right time to put his plan in action.
