Author's Note: Thank you for all the reviews, they make me happy! And get the imagination rolling. ;)
Disclaimer: I sort of wish I owned the characters and show, but I don't and they seem to be in capable hands.
Sanctum
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Cauterizing
It wasn't hard to hear the soft padding of Helen's bare feet down the hall and to follow the sound as she wove her way through the corridors to a far more secluded part of the Sanctuary. This late at night the parts of the Sanctuary they passed were deserted and quiet. All for the better. He rounded a corner, saw where she was headed, and almost turned back right then. The Cathedral lay ahead, it's broken, decrepit expanse empty of all life. It was far enough away from anyone and anything that could be disturbed by any shouting, shooting, or other disturbances, that he would have little to no hope of escaping this whole, much less unscathed. Damn, she was really angry with him if she was going there.
After faltering just a little, he straightened his shoulders and continued on. She was worth it. Slipping through the doors, he strode into the middle of the large room.
Helen turned from where she was standing at the very far edge of the cathedral, where pillars jutted up into the sky, holding up a ceiling that no longer existed. Her gaze was blazing, focusing in on his hands so strongly, he wondered that he didn't burst into flame on the spot.
"I never meant to leave you alone." He said and his voice echoed back at him as he stepped toward her.
Her eyes closed, as though the action was reflexive. "Well you did." She opened her eyes and cut to his face.
His stomach dropped instantly.
Anger was hard enough to face, but her expression had morphed into a mask of sorrow. Torment etched it's way over her parted lips, the slight crinkle of her nose and her furrowed brow. It tore at his heart. She was on the verge of letting the tears fall and he was defenseless. Drawing close, he raised his tentative hand again, as though to touch her cheek, but she pulled back abruptly.
"Stop it!" Her voice came out as a wail and she seemed to realize it, pulling herself away even further but also straightening her shoulders with a wince. Face hardening, she practically snarled at him.
He knew her a little too well for her to completely cover up the fear and hurt on her face though. Her usual defenses wouldn't work on him. She had told him herself; when she got really afraid or hurt, she fought back. He braced himself.
"Do you have any idea what it was like to wake up, all alone? To know that you were just... gone? Just like you always are. Like all of it meant nothing? Like I meant nothing? That's what you think, isn't it? Just say it!" She shouted. Angrily, she reached out and grabbed his jacket front, shaking him. "I am not a ghost, nor am I a toy for you to trifle or play with! You want to play that game, find someone else because I am through!" She threw him from her.
He staggered back, but said nothing, trying to stifle down the hurt that her words brought.
She scoffed, shaking her head at him. "Really Nikola; who the bloody hell do you think you are? What do you think that I am?" As she blinked, a single tear rolled down the side of her cheek, her chin trembling even harder but she continued to stare at him in the eye searingly as her pain-filled voice lowered to almost inaudibility. "How much do you think I can bury?"
That cut deep, the pain raging through his system before he quickly swallowed it down. He had to do something. She was pulling away from him. Closing herself off, like she always did when things got bad. Panic set in. He couldn't lose Helen. She didn't know it, but sometimes he wondered if he would ever survive without her. Desperately, he reached out quickly and grabbed Helen's hand tightly, clutching her closer.
She tried to pull back immediately, but couldn't pry her fingers from his. When she gave a hard tug it had her gasping in pain as it translated to her opposite shoulder.
Curling her hand around so that she was forced to take a step forward, he finally released the hold on her hand. Softly, he ducked close to her, folding his arms under hers and catching hold of her body gently. He buried his face in her silken hair and whispered so she would barely be able to hear. "I'm sorry."
Frozen in shock, her breath caught in her throat and she didn't even turn her head away from his breath on the bottom of her ear.
He took that as an encouragement. "Don't tell anyone else but...For being a genius, I really can be an idiot."
That made her scoff, even if the sound was chock full of unshed tears.
Smiling into her skin, he continued, still not letting her go. "Do you know how hard it is, just thinking of saying goodbye to you? How it makes my chest hurt far worse than any bullet? Even more than any harpoon ever could?"
Her legs lost a little strength then and she leaned on him slightly to keep herself upright.
His chin settled near the crook of her neck. Lifting a hand, he stroked over her hair as she hung almost completely limp in his arms. "I wasn't thinking; not of how you would feel, or how much it might hurt you too. I'm... not used to having to. You and me, we're so different than anyone else. It'll take some time to adjust. And you know how much I hate goodbyes. They're so... final. I can't imagine what I would do if I never got to see you again. I'm sorry, Helen." He felt her swallow and her eyelids flutter shut against his cheek. "I'm sorry for being a self-absorbed ass. Sorry that I ever made you feel like you- like we, were nothing but a joke. I have never thought that. We are not a game. It's just... defensive. Because... if I ever told you- if you ever knew... just how much I care about you..."
She shuddered convulsively, voice trembling. "What? What would happen Nikola? Would it- Would it really be so bad?"
A shaky laugh left him. "I... I don't know. Would it kill me to tell you how important you are to me? Would it destroy me if you knew...how much I l-love... you're contrariness, your strength, your frailty. Your compassion and determination. Your accomplishments and failures. And not as some kind of infatuation. But in the sense that-" He faltered, unable to say any more words. His chest was hammering against his sternum harshly.
Her breath left her in a rush. "Nikola."
He shook himself. "But I swear, I never meant to hurt you. You've saved my life. More in the past weeks than I would ever have imagined. I'd never forget something like that. It would never be nothing, I'm a little too narcissistic for that."
She huffed a laugh, but her body was still shaking, belying how she felt.
It echoed his own trembling heart. He pulled back a little so he could whisper in her ear again, still holding her up. "You could never be nothing." He held her tightly again, almost crushing her ribs in his arms. "This time, at least I really do have a good reason for leaving."
Seconds ticked by and his stomach felt like it dropped to his feet. He wondered if appealing to her honestly when she was in a rage was a bad idea. Then, achingly slow, her arms lifted and her fingers finally gripped onto his shoulders, holding him back. After a careful breath in, she finally responded. "It had better be a bloody damn good one, Nikola."
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