"I am an accident waiting to happen,
I'm laughing like mad while you strangle the captain:
My place may be taken, but make no mistake,
From a little black black box i can say without shame,
That you've lost."
Truce - The Dresden Dolls
She lowered her datapad and stared out at the stars. She didn't have time for Gordo and his riddles right now.
She didn't give a frack what you could sustain with food and starve with water. She felt annoyed and infringed upon; he knew what stress she was under, what with the war coming to a close. He knew how exhausted and madly driven she was in her fever to be the one to end it. How selfish of him to think she wanted to do riddles with him right now.
Everyone else seemed to think she'd lost it... gone off the deep end. Jil had left not a month earlier and her desertion had caused somewhat of an uprising within the ranks that Meetra found herself spending valuable time diffusing. Alek had become more trying by the day, and everything seemed to be slipping out of her control.
All she had left now was Revan. Revan and herself, and the stubborn conviction that dwelled somewhere deep in her breast; a burning notion that by being the one to end it, she would feel better about herself. Perhaps once it was all over the unmistakeable feeling of rot would subside from her core and she could once again take solace in life. Force knew that the Meetra that stood on the bridge of her flag-ship now was not the same Meetra who had bright-eyed and spirited sprang up the loading ramp on the day she took command of this vessel.
No, this Meetra was worn and tested like an aged leather boot that although still sturdy and capable, sunk in on itself with folds and pocks all over its once smooth surface. Day by day she found herself more deeply mired in a sticky tar of self-loathing and doubt... things that she knew were surely the first steps down the path of the dark side, and yet she couldn't escape this sickly place inside of her that latched itself onto every activity she did, simply because she was fully aware that she had done it to herself. She had put herself in this place, and the only thing that may just possibly get her out was this plan. This weapon. This sacrifice.
Yes, yes, this would do. Revan certainly didn't need much convincing. Alek only fumed because he knew she had stolen the data-files from him to begin with, but complaining about it would make him seem weak, and the republic itself was all for finally ending this bloody war. Perhaps she had skated over a few details in the briefing... but the war needed to be won, so here she was to do it.
The battle over Malachor V was going poorly, as she had assumed it would. The Mandalorians had them at a disadvantage, with both herself and Revan not yet directly involved in this particular skirmish, there was little ground being gained by republic forces, both on the ground and in orbit. Her own ship hung a safe distance back, and Revan had yet to arrive: It was he who would lead the final push and if all went according to plan, bring down Mandalore himself.
Alek was stationed on Revan's flag-ship, poised to assume command when their leader made contact and went into battle. A dark part of Meetra had hoped it would be her, but she knew that her current station would be the one that would bring glory, not Alek's.
These words do not belong to someone of the Jedi Order, they belong to someone hanging very precariously on the edge of a dark precipice.
Ha. Not like I have anything left to lose at this point. Be brave, Surik. You know this is the right thing to do.
"General?"
She turned her head and looked down at the source of the voice. Lieutenant Criggs was standing to her left, his fingers pressed to his forehead in the familiar salute she had seen so many times.
"Yes Lieutenant, you have an update for me?"
"We have received word that all systems are fully operational on the surface: All that remains is for you to give the word."
"Very good, Lieutenant." She said, returning her gaze to her friends that glimmered in the sky so far away.
"Begging your pardon, General. You know I'm not one to question orders from the top but... I can't help but wonder... are you prepared to do this?"
"Prepared." She repeated the word and let it hang quietly in the air of the bridge for a moment as she stared at the battle that unfolded below her. "Are we ever really prepared for the lengths we are called to go to in order to fulfill our duties, Lieutenant? Do we dream as children that we may be destroyers of worlds and that we may one day feel pride in the feel of another man's blood coursing over our flesh in the heat of battle? Do our mothers and fathers hope for us to one day know the sensation of drawing a cool, metal blade over the throat of another person as he struggles at our feet?" She toyed with the smooth string of bones in her hair, fingering the joints of the men she had caught and conquered and punished for their crimes. The scent of frangipani flowers hung in the air around her and filled her nose with their placid and warming scent. "The Force works mysteriously, my friend... it moves us, moves within us, and moves through us... we are only servants to its bidding... to answer your question, there is no doubt in my mind that I was born prepared for this."
Criggs stood in silent thought for a moment.
"Will we... be able to get all of our men out of there before this place goes hot?"
She turned to look at him again and blinked serenely before smiling kindly.
"Yes." She lied.
She sensed relief flood off of him, and she knew that her talent for manipulation had fooled just one more person she cared about.
"What's the estimated time till deployment, General?"
"I have yet to hear from Revan... but presumably once he faces Mandalore and is safely away from the planet... with the remaining troops behind, of course." She assured him. "I would say just over an hour. I don't doubt that Revan will be able to send Mandalore to his death in a short span of time."
"Very good then." Criggs soluted once more and strolled away. Meetra smiled to herself; mindless obedience was such a useful tool.
She brought her comlink up to her mouth. "Revan. Meetra here... wondering where you're at."
"My shuttle just arrived. I am about to depart for the surface now. Is everything ready at your end?"
"Of course."
Silence for a moment, and then, "I swear Meetra, if you're thinking to blow that planet up with me on it, think twice."
"Getting paranoid, fearless leader?" She chuckled into the comm. "I guarantee your safety." She promised. "Today we will bring safety and prosperity back to all those who await us."
"Even those who await us with chains?" Revan's comm crackled briefly and cut out.
The time between his last words seemed to stretch on endlessly. She paced the bridge of her cruiser and ignored a few more messages from Gordo, glancing every few moments out to the battle that she felt so far away from: Every fibre of her being pulled her to that place. Every molecule of her body longed to be on the surface of the planet, leading a platoon, standing on the front-line bellowing orders and coordinating strategy while blaster fire rained around her and the chaos made both friend and foe equal... she was not keen to sit idly around and assess things and give orders through a speaker. It felt like cheating unless there was blood on her hands and in her mouth. She passed the time playing pazaak on her datapad, counting the soldiers on the bridge who had beards, singing a few songs in her head, thinking of the drink she would love to have when all of this was over, pursuing small talk with the men who surrounded her, exchanging pleasantries and formalities, wondering if her team had caught Jil yet, wondering what Alek was doing at this precise moment...
Her mind rang with impatience and she nearly leapt out of her boots when her comm crackled to life once more.
"Revan?"
"It is done." He panted into the speaker. "Mandalore lays slain, and his mask is mine. I am en route to your ship. Triangulate my coordinates and once I am free of the blast zone, give the order."
She turned to her helmsman. "You heard the man, get a lock on that shuttle." She returned to her comm. "See you shortly."
"I've got it locked, General. You'll be safe to give the order in six thousand thirty two meters."
Criggs was at her side in an instant. "Wait! What about the rest of our men?! You can't just leave them ignorant down there!"
Unblinking, un-human, she stared into the eyes of her Lieutenant. "There is no time." She explained. "If we have them all disperse now; even the ones in orbit, it will alert the enemy to our intent. We cannot falter now, Lieutenant."
"You'll kill everyone!" He blustered.
"You asked if I was prepared for this, Lieutenant... I can see now that I should have asked the question of you." She said calmly, fingering the shattered lightsaber crystals in her hair; crystals that belonged to the Jedi who had served under her and died for their cause. The heady scent of frangipani was almost overpowering now, as sweat humidified the air around her head. "We learn nothing from peace and much must be risked in war."
"Four thousand meters."
"Yes, of course... but this. This is madness... surely you see that. Not only are there Mandalorians on that planet, there are both republic soldiers and Jedi as well. It doesn't add up: The loss on our side is incongruent to the enemy's. Mandalore is gone now... let them crawl away like the dogs they are."
She shook her head in a controlled manner.
"You don't understand, Criggs... where one Mandalore falls, another will rise. Revan has taken his mask, making it difficult for a new leader to rise among them, but unless we scatter and destroy as many as we can, they will re-assemble. This war needs to be ended... there is a call for it throughout the republic, and this is unfortunately the way to go about it."
"You can't do this. I can't believe that you of all people would do this."
"Wouldn't you?" She replied, resting her hand on the hilt of her lightsaber. "Not when you've stood by and watched me torture numerous captives, purely for the justice I managed to reave from their screams? Not when I was the first to charge headlong into battle and spilled the first blood? You doubt my capability when you were the one who followed me from the day I was appointed rank and selected you personally as my right hand man?" She stooped slightly to be at Crigg's level, for she was very tall for a woman. "Ambition is poison, Criggs. Do not make me have you... subdued."
"Two thousand meters."
"Don't!" He cried, reaching out for her comm. She swept his futile gesture aside easily and threw him away with the Force, although gently enough to not hurt him.
"Leave it, Lieutenant." She snarled. "Now is not the time for insubordination." Her attention was torn away from Criggs when the doors to the bridge flew open and Alek strode through them, his blue eyes wide and concerned.
"Wait!" He called, flinging a hand out, pushing Meetra with the Force. She set her teeth and aligned her energy, resisting and digging the soles of her boots into the floor.
"One thousand meters!"
"Don't do this." He said, stepping slowly closer to her, still trying to weigh against her with an unseen wall.
"I have to." She ground out, thrusting both palms before her to counter his pressure.
"Five hundred meters!"
Criggs made another dive at her, and she flung him away with her right hand, much more savagely this time.
"I will have you killed if you don't stand back!" She promised. "Do not make me do it myself! Stand back, soldier!"
"One hundred meters!"
"Meetra don't you see how mad this is?" Alek begged, sorrow shining in his clear eyes. "Please... just stop now."
"Madness?" She said, still deflecting the pressure he was trying to surround her with. "Take credit where credit is due, you drove me to this. It was your idea, Alek, don't be shy." She glanced around the bridge with fire in her eyes. "That's right. All of you did!" She bellowed, her voice ringing harshly around the room. "All of you! It's all your fault. Not mine!"
"Revan has reached the safe zone."
She felt her eyes fall endlessly into Alek's and their calm blue eternity.
"I will stop you Meetra. If you give that order, I will ensure this ship falls into orbit and certain death for us both."
Slowly, defiantly she raised the comm to her lips and spoke. "Commence."
Chaos erupted around her. Crew members did their duty, an affirmative came to her through the comm, and her eyes stayed locked on Alek's.
The ship jerked hard to the left when he directed his gaze to the helmsman and clenched his fist tight in the air. The man's eyes bulged and his hand's clawed at his throat.
Meetra only laughed madly, taking advantage of her newly found freedom and igniting her lightsaber. She laughed and laughed and laughed until her belly hurt: There was nothing any of them could do. Alek could strangle the captain and kill them all if he wanted to, but her order had been given, and the Mass Shadow Generator was already fulfilling its purpose.
"This isn't what I wanted!" He snarled as the helmsman finally slumped dead in his seat and the ship took a sharp downwards jolt. "I never wanted this!"
"You can't always get what you want." She hissed, lifting her lightsaber to a combative stance and grasping a railing for balance. "Are you brave enough to die here with us all, friend? I hate you. I loathe you. I despise you and you have no idea how good it feels to finally speak these words. You can fake it for the news... but I'm onto you, Alek, I'm onto you! I'm onto you!"
He ignited his own lightsaber and took a threatening step forward, "I have no time for the words of a madwoman. If we are to die tonight, let us end this now."
She urged herself another step closer, using the railing for balance. She swung at him with her saber and missed, suddenly finding herself on her knees. The weapon clattered away from her hand, as she fell to her knees.
She looked up and saw Criggs, circling them with his blaster drawn, aimed at her. She saw her dead captain hunched in his seat, she saw the bright nebulous light from the explosion and she felt heat, hotter than the suns of Tattooine tear through her as she crouched on the floor.
Her head pounded and the sound of thousands of screams met her ears all at once, blotting out any sound she would hear from then on: Her own doing... the ultimate betrayal. She felt herself collapse to her stomach, her arms wrapped around her gut as her body wracked and shook and terror sang it's tremulous and guttural melody from her throat: A sound she could hear through the Force, rather than her deafened ears, a sound so forlorn and furious that it felt as though her very soul was being torn asunder.
Please... please make it stop.
She felt herself vomit, and she felt the uncomfortable sensation of the right side of her face resting in the contents of her stomach as she writhed on the floor and drenched herself and her glorious mane in shame and fear.
She howled for hours it seemed as she tumbled down, down, down into an endless world of volcanic rock and magma. It made no difference if her eyes were open or shut: Where she was, everything was dead and burning. She fell endlessly as she lay in her own sick, abandoned on the sinking bridge of her ship.
Death.
Murder.
It was everywhere.
It raced through her veins and claimed her as its territory and she was sick again, helpless and alone.
"Help..." She hacked. "Help..."
The Force answered her pleas just then; everything went dead silent for the first time in her entire life.
