"And all I want is to hold you forever
And all I need is you more everyday
You saved my heart
From being broken apart."-Jim Brickman 'The Gift'
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Spencer sat in a maelstrom of emotions still holding the book of photos in his hands and trying to digest everything and put it all in its proper place in his mind. Realizing that there was just too much to figure out and his head was swimming. He frantically tried to recall if the attic was always this stuffy. He wasn't sure but he was certain that at this moment there was not enough air to maintain healthy breathing. Surrounded as he was by boxes upon boxes of things, he felt as if he was in the giant trash compactor from Star Wars. Irrational as it was, he was becoming more certain by the second that the walls were closing in on him. He was downstairs and outside of the bedroom where his dear pregnant wife still slept before he could even form the conscious thought to do so but still the oppression of the attic seemed to follow and he fled down the stairs pausing only briefly in the living room to leave a note on the small wooden table next to the front door. It read simply "Running errands. Love, Spencer". In truth he had no real errands to run but this close to Christmas he could always hide behind the guise of shopping if questions were asked later. And that was assuming that there was a later. He was so very muddled that he wasn't at all even sure where he was going, just that he needed to get the hell out.
An hour later he was driving aimlessly and decided that he wasn't paying enough attention to the road to safely operate a motor vehicle so he pulled into a coffee shop and soon found himself sitting alone in the deepest corner of the establishment with an untouched cup in front of him and still trying to figure out everything that was running through his mind. At least he could breathe now; the cold winter air had eased that feeling of suffocation. Now if he could only stop the insidious feeling of implosion that was dogging him everywhere he went. He felt as if he suddenly had no internal structure and was about to collapse under his own weight. He was absolutely unequipped to deal with any of the things that were currently in his life. He was an expectant father and that was a scary enough prospect in and of itself. But now there was not just a single baby on the horizon, there were two little girls that he had to raise and protect. Now he was adding the reality of a wife who might not be fully equipped to deal with what was to come either and he knew full well he was not capable of fixing her. In all honesty, there was no one with that capability. If her parents suddenly showed up on the porch professing their love and devotion to her and became the most doting parents in the world, it could not heal the wounds that were within. He should know. The relationship with his father teetered upon and unspoken agreement between the two to talk as little of the abandonment as possible. He sighed and tried to untangle his thoughts. There was a time when he would have had no problem but since Maggie had entered his world; his intellect was inextricably entwined with his emotions, his heart in the completely non-anatomical sense. Normally he loved that change that she had brought to him. He felt it made him more of a complete person and better at his job but at times like this, the emotional center took over and would not work in cooperation with his brain.
Spencer took a small bound journal from his bag and stared helplessly at the blank pages. He hated himself for the thoughts that were forming, thoughts of a farewell letter. It would be one filled with excuses that he knew would never truly explain a thing. Because there was no explanation or excuse for what he contemplated. "Don't think, my prince, just feel." He sat bolt upright at her voice and looked around and then realized it was his own subconscious reminding him of something he already knew. She didn't just unleash emotions within him without giving him a map. He knew what to do and even when she was miles away and hopefully still resting in their bed; she had the power to remind him of what he needed to do. Trying to wrangle his thoughts was something akin to jello wrestling an angry crocodile. But his emotions weren't as complex he often found. With a sip of coffee and a deep sigh he closed his eyes for a moment and just let go of thinking and let the feelings come. He braced himself because he knew some of the feelings were sure to be unpleasant.
Spencer found his hand moving a pen across the blank pages of the journal as the emotions crushed him like waves in a storm surge. He knew whatever was written there would be some kind of interesting when he read it back later. The first feeling to hit him was the anger at her parents that came in the form of a blinding rage and he closed his eyes against it and tried to keep his breath steady. He was thankful for the late hour as he was the only patron and the sparse staff seemed much more interested in discussing weekend plans than in the thin, erratically behaving man alone in a corner booth. If they noticed him at all he was probably dismissed as some eccentric writer who was working on an intense chapter. Meanwhile the anger began to ebb and was overtaken by a crippling sadness. He supposed that some who knew him were sometimes saddened by thoughts of his childhood but he gave it little thought. There were pangs of hurt now and then but mostly he knew that whatever he had endured had made him the person he was today. There were times, of course that he longed for the kind of childhood that might have sanded the corners of the square peg that was Spencer Reid and allowed him to slip through the round holes of life. Overall though, he was very pleased with the man he had become, proud even. And he was very proud of Maggie and the way she had come through things as well. She saw it as her mission in life to take the lemons she had been given and make lemonade to share with the world. Spencer rolled his eyes at his sudden propensity for cliché. The sadness persisted and Spencer knew why. It was one thing to know and understand intellectually that hardship brought about growth but watching a loved one actually endure that process was horrifying. He knew he'd better try to get used to it though. His daughters were sure to have their share of trials. Even if those trials were of the more normal variety—being rejected by a boy or passed over for the cheerleading squad—he knew that it would nearly kill him to see either of them in any amount of pain.
He began to feel the clarity spreading through him and realized that all he really had to do was to stop and quit trying to over think everything. He felt better as he left the coffee shop and decided to see if any stores on the street were still open. To his happy surprise, there were quite a few as it seemed the hour was not as late as he had initially guessed. Spencer felt himself drawn into a small and musty antique shop. He wasn't sure why he was there and he further didn't know what he expected to find there but he didn't have a gift for Maggie yet so he guessed it was worth a look. He started by looking into the glass jewelry case.
"Is there something I could show you, Sir?"
Spencer raised his head to look at the man who had just spoken to him and was about to mutter something about just looking when something behind the counter caught his eye and he knew that he simply must get it for his fair maiden. Nothing could have been more perfect in his eyes. He told the man what he wanted but then started to think that the item might not have the intended impact so he looked again at the jewelry and found a bracelet that he knew would look perfect upon the wrist of his beloved and bought it too. His purchases made, he headed out into the crisp winter air and only then did he notice the vibrations coming from his bag. He hadn't even thought about his phone the entire time he had been gone. It could be the hospital about his mother; it could be the BAU calling the agents to the airstrip. It could be Maggie wondering where he was. He fished the phone from the bottom of his bag and looked at the caller ID to see "Garcia calling" across the display. He hit the button and was greeted by hysterical screaming that it took him a few moments to sort through.
"Garcia, calm down. I can't understand what you're saying. Just slow down."
"Reid, I don't know whether to be grateful to hear your voice or furious with you. I got a call from Maggie wondering where you were. She found your note but then you didn't answer when she called and so I started calling too. I even called Morgan to see if you were with him. Where in the hell have you been all of this time?"
"It's a long story and I will share it with you sometime but I needed to sort some things out and once I did I felt better enough to get a little Christmas shopping done. I'm on my way home right now. I'll call Maggie from the road and tell her I'll be there soon."
"Okay," replied Garcia reluctantly, "I'll let you off the hook this time but I expect you in my office first thing tomorrow with a damn good explanation and you had better never do this again."
"I promise. Thank you Garcia."
He dialed his phone and was greeted almost immediately with his wife's harried voice.
"Maggie, I'm okay. I am so sorry I worried you. Are you okay?"
"I am now. Please hurry home."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Yes, I am actually updating this...no need to send a search party. There is a certain amount of chaos that comes with raising teenagers and it sometimes pulls me away from my writing. They can be loud enough to drown out the voice of my muse. I do hope this chapter was enjoyable. Please let me know.-J
