A/N: In case you're interested, the visual representation of the tattoo on Neal's back is on my deviantART page. There's a link to the image itself on my main profile here under the short list of other websites I'm on that I've provided.

Neal raised an eyebrow as Peter made pained sounds. "Regretting this yet?"

The older man glared at his husband. "Never."

Peter was getting his tattoo done a month following his comment to Neal about it. The more thought he gave to it, the more he wanted to do it, so he managed to convince Neal to go with him. Neal was going to get two for himself and Peter knew one was going to be much more painful than the single tattoo Peter was getting.

He sucked it up while staring at his husband. This was absolutely worth it and he felt that they needed this. He was getting NG tattooed on the left side of his chest and Neal was planning on getting PM on the left side of his chest as well. Neal's second tattoo was symbolic of how far he'd come since he was thirteen. He'd drawn it himself earlier in the week and Peter loved it. It was a withering feather with small birds flying away from it as though they'd come out of it. He believed he'd freed himself partway by killing Vincent, so he felt inspired—even if the ramifications of it weren't all that wonderful.

By the time they were done with their tattoos, almost two and a half hours had passed. The initials on their chests were moderately quick. It was Neal's second tattoo that was taking longer. He was getting it on the left side of his back starting around the middle and curving up towards his left shoulder blade. He didn't want to get it over his scar, so he'd curved it a bit. Peter was watching the man put the tattoo into his husband's skin and it looked painful as hell.

Neal was rubbing his wedding ring in an attempt to keep himself relaxed. He didn't want to mess up what the artist behind him was doing. "Hey, Peter?" The older man made a sound of acknowledgement. "Do you think I deserve to get my badge back next week?"

Peter smiled a little. "Yeah, I do. It'll be nice to call you my Special Agent for Thanksgiving."

Neal rolled his eyes even though Peter couldn't see him doing it. "Are we hosting for your parents, heading up to your parents' place, or should I ask my dad if he wants to join us?"

This was the first time in a while that Neal acknowledged his father's existence and presence in their lives. "I think mom and dad said they wanted to come down to visit. Do you want to ask your dad to come over anyway?"

"I'm not sure. I haven't spoken to him since before…"

Peter nodded slowly. "I understand. He did stop by on your birthday. He said he had something for you, but he wanted to give it to you himself, so he has to come back at some point." Peter shrugged. "Maybe you should give him a call and see how he's doing. Our parents haven't seen each other in a long time."

"My mother is not coming to Thanksgiving dinner," Neal said tightly.

"I didn't even think about asking her over," Peter said softly. "I know how you feel about her and I won't make you miserable. She's your mother. If you don't want her over, that's your choice and I respect it." He moved around to stand in front of his husband, giving him a wry smile. "And you know I feel the same way you do."

Neal nodded. "I do know that."

"James talked about Christmas last year and he seemed excited, so… Are you okay with having him over then?"

Neal's eyes widened. "Holy shit. I haven't told him about the twins." If the man behind him hadn't been tattooing him, he would have palmed his face and hunched over. "Wow. Some son I am. I didn't even tell my father that we had twins in March."

Peter gave him a sympathetic smile. "Well, you were kind of preoccupied."

The younger man scoffed. "That's one way of putting it."

Both men were quiet for a short while after that discussion and Peter understood why Neal had gotten quiet. Two days after the twins had been born, he and Nicky were taken. For two weeks, he suffered to protect his son. Upon coming back, he spent three weeks in a hospital bed. That was at the forefront of Neal's thoughts and concerns for quite some time and Peter neglected to mention Neal's birthday gift since he hadn't even been home for his birthday to begin with and he was far too concerned about Neal to even give the gift a second thought at the time.

When Neal's tattoo was finally completed, he felt relieved. The man gave them both care cream and told them how to take care of the tattoos for a little while since they were brand new before they paid him and he let them head out. "I bet you're glad we're together," Peter teased as he and Neal walked down the sidewalk to get to the Taurus. They'd parked a block away since there hadn't been any closer parking. "I'd like to see you take care of that on your own."

Neal rolled his eyes. "Oh, yes. I married you just so you'd be here to help me clean my tattoo every single day for the next few weeks," he said sarcastically.

Peter stopped them both and turned to face his husband. "You're beautiful, even when you're sarcastic." He gently pulled Neal's face towards his and kissed the younger man. Neal pressed himself against Peter, resting his hands on Peter's hips. Peter moaned a bit when Neal's hands slid around to the back and started rubbing his ass. The younger man raised an eyebrow while they were kissing.

When they parted, Neal whispered, "I didn't think you'd like me touching your ass."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't hesitate to try new things. You've always been good with your hands, baby." Neal chuckled. "All right. Let's head home, sweetheart. I feel really bad about leaving Mozzie with the twins and Neil so much."

Neal was quiet for a moment. "Moz doesn't mind watching Brie and Joey. He's their uncle and I know he loved watching Nicky when Nicky was little."

Peter nodded, taking his husband's hand. They continued walking down the sidewalk quietly until Peter asked, "Have you talked to Neil at all recently? You both apologized to each other, but you're still distancing yourself from him."

"I've already been accused of statutory rape once. I'd prefer to keep it that way." Peter was confused until Neal expanded. "I'm afraid that I'm going to do something that makes him snap. If he reports me to the police, only God knows how he could possibly twist everything that happened. No, I didn't participate because I was sleeping. No, it wasn't my fault. People won't care about what I have to say though."

"That isn't true."

"I'm an adult and he's a minor. He'd win against me especially because of the past accusation."

Peter unlocked the car on the passenger side and Neal got in. He went around to the other side and got in, inserting the key into the ignition. "You've never felt this way about kids before. Do you think he'd really twist this to blame you?"

Neal shrugged. "Trent was the prime example of that. Granted, he was being abused if he didn't listen to his father, but still. His word carried more weight than mine did. I'd never been around Trent before his fight with Nick and I definitely hadn't been around him until we arrived in court that day."

"Neal, I don't think he'd do that to you. You saved him from Vincent. He knows that you got into trouble for it, but he still looks up to you."

Peter was surprised by the distasteful sound Neal made. "Don't use that terminology. He was looking up at me while performing oral sex on me. I woke up and he was looking up at me."

"Wow. I didn't even look at it that way," Peter said quietly. "I'm sorry, honey."

"I think about things like this. They bother me, Peter," Neal whispered. "I haven't let you go down on me or even stroke me because I feel like I might come and believe he was the only reason I did."

Peter reached over to rub Neal's shoulder while he pulled out of their parking spot. "Neal, it's been weeks since all of this happened."

"It took months for me to let you make love to me again," Neal snapped. "It's hard for me to come back from something like this quickly. I still feel horrible."

"When we're making love?"

"No," Neal said, rubbing his eyes. He felt like crying and he didn't even know why. "I'm fine when we're together. I just… I see Neil and it's worrying me that I may be developing some kind of fetish for teenage blowjobs. I don't know what to do about it."

Peter's brows furrowed. "You're seeing him blow you?" Neal nodded. "If you enjoy what he does to you, then we may have a problem. What are you feeling when you're seeing him?"

Neal closed his eyes and sighed shakily. "I feel like a monster, Peter. I spent almost twenty years telling myself Vincent was a monster. At the time, he was." Peter slid his hand down Neal's arm until he was able to intertwine their fingers. "Craig is a demon and a monster combined. I'd rather have Vincent rape me than Craig because Vincent never hurt me externally. Occasionally, I bruised because I hit something by accident or I'd cut my lower lip by trying to break away from his kisses, but he took care of me while he was raping me." Peter squeezed Neal's hand. He wanted to say something to soothe his husband, but he realized this wasn't the right moment to do so. "He, like Craig, called me a slut or a whore and made other sexual comments. The difference is that Vincent wanted to kiss me while he was doing it and Craig never wanted that. Craig would bite me if I resisted. Vincent didn't rip my clothing to shreds. He kept them intact and even helped me dress myself when there were nights where I felt really drained or light-headed because of how often he wanted me and the fact that I wasn't getting enough sleep."

Peter looked at his husband when he stopped at a red light. Neal looked haunted and Peter wasn't sure if he should let Neal continue to reflect on his past this way. He knew that the rapes between Vincent and Craig were completely different in nature, but he wasn't entirely comfortable with allowing Neal to throw himself back to those times. "Honey, I understand," he said softly.

The younger man shook his head. Just as he began speaking again, the light changed. "I don't know what it was, but it felt different. I'm going to sound twisted when I say having sex with Vincent was better than Craig, but it's true. Craig didn't give a damn if he hurt me internally. I think he was addicted to making me bleed." Peter caught him rubbing his right thigh and wished Neal didn't have to live with this. "In some really sick and sadistic way, I think Vincent was being honest when he told me he loved me. He forced me to have sex with him, but he wasn't intent on killing me or inflicting excruciating pain. He actually acted like a lover would at times. There were some days when he was really pissed off and I could always tell because he thrust harder and he pinned my arms behind my back."

The older man nodded slowly. "Are you trying to compare yourself to them?"

"Yes," Neal admitted. "In addition to that, I never really…talked about what went on when all of this was happening. You know the basics and you saw the damage." Neal squeezed Peter's hand now, knowing his husband was sensitive to things that hurt Neal. "Twenty-four years ago, Vincent took my virginity from me. He scared me and it hurt a lot. Now that I actually took the time to reflect on it, I realize he never meant to brutally take me. No, he didn't use any lube, but he was still sympathetic. The first time he raped me, he made me look at him and he kissed me repeatedly, going so far as to kiss my tears away." Peter felt sick listening to this. He didn't want to imagine someone thirty or so years older than Neal loving Neal.

"He's still a monster," Peter whispered.

Neal nodded. "I'm not trying to say otherwise. He took something I could have given to you if he hadn't forced himself on me and if I hadn't been so desperate for love afterwards. Vincent was still rough with me sometimes, but he tried to be careful. He liked when I screamed or cried out and he…made me yell his name if I came." Neal shuddered, reliving those moments. "He jerked me until I came and it was humiliating. That bastard thought I enjoyed it. My body enjoyed it and responded to his stimulation, but I didn't like it." Neal laughed mirthlessly. He was quiet for a few moments, losing himself in his reflections. "Wow. I just realized he actually did give a damn about me."

"What do you mean?"

"When Nicky and I were their captives, Vincent was the one who brought me something to eat and drink. I always gave it to Nick, but Vincent brought it to me. I don't think Craig knew about it because Craig liked that I was suffering. He fed Nicky only because I was doing what he wanted." Neal smiled sadly. "I don't know if he wanted to rape me and Nicky," he whispered. "He always made that threat that he'd rape my son if I didn't go willingly, but I don't think he'd ever actually do it. He knows that would hurt me and he didn't like doing that. When I was forced into sex with both of them, I was always looking at him and he was always kissing me or stroking my hair. Sometimes, when he was trying to please Craig, he'd bite my lip or tug on my hair roughly, but he didn't want to hurt me."

Peter was really surprised by this. He hated Vincent for raping his husband as a teenager and as an adult, but what Neal was telling him made a little bit of sense to him. "Do you think he would have made you his lover if you'd stayed instead of running away?"

Neal shrugged. "I don't know. He might have." He rubbed his thumb over Peter's skin. "I think there were times when he considered freeing me because I caught him staring at me like he was in actual pain. He was putting on a show for Craig, but I think he was actually hurt deep down in that black hole he had for a heart." Neal glanced at Peter with tears in his eyes. "I wonder if he would have freed me at some point because he didn't like how brutal Craig was."

"I'm glad we didn't have to wait to see if he would have or not," Peter said, his voice sounding sad with a tinge of anger. "He hesitated for two weeks, Neal. I don't know if he would have sprung you out of there. For all we know, you might've died beforehand. You were very close when we came for you."

"I know."

•◊•

Peter kept his eyes on Neal as they ate dinner. Nicky and Neil were quiet while Neal fed Joey and Brie. Peter offered to help him, but Neal was adamant when he said he could do it himself. After earlier, Peter assumed Neal needed to do something to make himself feel better and taking care of his children was usually one of the answers. "Dad?" Neal glanced at Nicky. "After dinner, can I see your tattoo?"

"It's just poppa's initials," Neal said quietly.

"No. I mean the one on your back. You didn't show me the design before you went today."

Neal nodded slowly. "Yeah. I guess I could do that." His cuts were still healing, but he looked so much better now. Peter made sure Neal stopped messing with them if he caught Neal doing just that. Neal had a nervous habit of picking at his arms and Peter gently tried to let him know that he was hurting himself.

After Peter finished eating, he gathered up the boys' plates and his own. He asked Neal if Neal wanted to eat and was thrilled when Neal said he would. "I'll be right back," he said, leaning over to kiss Neal's temple before heading into the kitchen. He started rinsing the dishes and realized that Nicky had followed him into the kitchen. "Hey, buddy. What's up?"

"What's wrong with dad? Why is he being so distant?" Peter was quiet and Nicky knew what that meant. "Did he hurt himself?"

"No," Peter said softly. "He… He's just having a hard time coping with everything. His doesn't know if he wants to go back to the FBI next week or not." He reached out to stroke Nicky's hair. "Dad and I have been having some problems of our own that we're trying to work through when dad's cooperative. You know about what happened between him and Neil, right?"

Before Nicky could comment, Neal called out, "Love, can you get me a towel or something, please?" Peter's brows furrowed as he grabbed one of the towels they kept downstairs in their kitchen. As he walked into the dining room, he felt bad for his husband. Neal was covered in Brie's dinner after she'd already eaten it. "Thanks," he murmured, using it to wipe Brie's face off first since she'd spit up on herself as well.

"Honey, I can clean up down here if you want to change your clothes."

Neal smiled wryly. "Oh, no. I've learned not to change my clothes until they're both done." Peter chuckled as Neal glanced up at him. "When Nick was a baby, he'd throw up twice on occasion." Nicky's face heated up as Neal smirked at him. Peter ruffled Nicky's hair. "I know what I'm doing," he teased.

Peter moved closer to kiss Neal's temple, whispering, "I've never doubted that."

After everyone finished eating, dinner was cleaned up, and the dishes were done, everyone went out into the living room. Nicky and Neil were on the couches and Peter and Neal sat on the floor. Neal was balancing Brie while she gripped one finger on each of his hands. She wobbled a bit, but she seemed like she was getting stronger. Joey was just being a lazy, little guy with Peter. "Is she gonna walk soon, daddy?"

"Maybe. You were walking around eight months, too." He kissed Brie's cheek. "Hey, little princess." She laughed beautifully and Peter knew Neal loved that. He got onto his knees and stood up a moment later, holding Brie's hands gently. "Let's see if we can make it over to poppa," he said animatedly.

Peter watched Neal as Neal leaned over their daughter a bit to help her slowly take steps towards him. Joey was watching his sister and started throwing a fit when Brie was actually coming closer to Peter. She stumbled a bit and Peter's hands reflexively flew out as if he were trying to catch her. Neal had her though and he caught the look Neal gave him. Peter always saw love in Neal's eyes when they were looking at each other, but he saw absolute adoration in Neal's eyes now. "C'mon, baby girl," Peter encouraged, holding his hands out as she came closer. Once she was within reach, Neal carefully let go of her and Peter picked her up, holding her in the air. "Look at you, big girl! You walked all the way over here with daddy!"

Neal's eyes lit up while he kept his gaze on his husband. Brie was giggling at Peter and both men couldn't help laughing when she drooled all over him. "Bet that was yummy," Neal said as he chuckled.

"I'm getting used to being drooled on. After all, I do sleep beside a drool machine."

The younger man raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I do not drool that much."

Peter smiled a bit as he set Brie down on his lap. He started making baby sounds back at her like Neal always did. "Neal." Neal's heart leapt into his throat for a moment as he turned a bit to look at the teenager sitting beside his son and Peter rested a hand on Neal's stomach, keeping his eyes on the younger man. "Can I talk to you? Alone?"

"Go ahead, honey," Peter encouraged. Neal gave him a pained look. "Baby, you'll be fine," he added quietly.

Neal swallowed hard and glanced at Neil, nodding slowly. He got up and motioned for Neil to join him in the dining room. It was close enough to Peter and he felt moderately comfortable with that distance. If something were to happen, Peter would be able to act quickly and that relieved him. "What's up?" he asked as he took a seat. Neil sat in the seat beside him, looking up at him.

"Are we okay? I mean, I still think of you like a dad to me." Neal smiled weakly, feeling miserable. "I'm still really sorry…"

"No. Don't be sorry," Neal said quietly. The last time Neil had been sorry, he'd thrown Neal over the edge unintentionally. He sighed. "Neil, we're okay. I don't mind having you here or being around you. I'm just jumpy and nervous."

"And afraid of me," Neil whispered. Neal was about to deny that. "I talked with Nicky and he agrees with me. He told me more about what happened with you and Trent before." Neal glared into the living room for a moment. "You were always afraid that Trent would call someone and report you or find some way to hurt you." Neil reached over and grabbed Neal's hand, holding his fingers with tears in his eyes. "I would never do that to you. You got into a lot of trouble because you saved me, but you saved me anyway. If you'd let him live, I don't know how long that would have gone on for." Neal wanted to reach over and wipe Neil's tears away, but the kid was right in saying Neal was afraid. "You told me about going against him in court and how terrified you were. You saved me from having to go through that. I know killing him on the spot wasn't right when it comes to your job, but it meant a lot to me and you're my hero."

Neal shook his head. "I'm not a hero," he whispered.

"Please, stop feeling so guilty, Neal. You and Trent are okay now after everything that happened there."

"There was no sexual act between me and Trent," he snapped. Neil flinched, retracting his hand. Neal could hear Peter shifting in the living room. "Stay there, Peter. I'm fine," he said, sighing. He lowered his head to his palm and closed his eyes. "I never had any kind of sex with Trent. What happened between us was still oral sex to me and I'm disgusted with myself."

Neil frowned. "What can I do to help you feel better about yourself?"

"You've done enough," Neal said firmly.

•◊•

After the family came home from spending a couple hours at Neal's Net, Neal tucked the twins and Nicky in before heading into his bedroom bathroom. Peter said he'd join Neal for a shower in a few minutes. He was sitting in Neil's room, smiling sadly at the teenager who was crying in front of him. "I don't know what to do to fix this. He's never gonna treat me like his son again because he thinks he took advantage of me."

"Give him time," Peter whispered. "It's taken Neal months to recover from sexual assaults or situations that don't involve him and me. There have been times where Neal had a hard time being around me because he wanted to have sex with me because he thought I wanted it." Every single time he found himself discussing sex with a teenager, he felt awkward, but he didn't know how to sugarcoat this. That was Neal's area of expertise, but it wouldn't work in this particular instance. "In your case, he's having a hard time being around you because you're vulnerable and he… He feels very strongly when it comes to children. He won't treat you like some random kid. He's distanced himself from you only because that's his way of keeping you safe, but he'll warm up to you again eventually."

"He said it felt like he was asking his son to do that to him," Neil whispered.

Peter nodded, understanding. "The way Neal rationalizes things is different than how I rationalize things sometimes. I'll never call him mentally unstable because he's a brilliant man, but he is traumatized. He's been raped three individual times over the course of his life. The first two varied in length and included only one man. His third included both of those monsters." Neil leaned towards him and he draped an arm over Neil's shoulders. "He's always tried to save children and they've always done something to show him how grateful they are. One kid gave him a rock and called him King Aqua. It was the cutest thing I ever saw between him and a kid who wasn't ours." He rubbed Neil's arm gently. "He feels sick because he feels like he's the cause for what happened. He believes he made you feel guilty, which in turn made you…do what you did. My husband, being the way he is with children and coming from a situation in which he was violated at a very young age, never wanted to be thanked the way you tried to thank him."

"I know he tried to kill himself," Neil said, raising a hand to rub his eyes. "I felt so horrible when you took him to the hospital. I've had nightmares about him dying because of what I did. If Neal died, I don't know what I'd do. It would have been my fault."

Peter spent twenty more minutes trying to calm the teenager and reassure him that things would eventually be okay and he told Neil not to worry about Neal because he was going to take care of his husband. Neil eventually began to agree with him and then he'd gotten tired, so Peter said good night and stepped out. Immediately upon pulling the door nearly to a close, he came face to face with his husband and startled. "Jesus Christ. Don't sneak up on me like that." Neal was frowning at him. "How long have you been out here?"

Neal looked at the door. "I heard everything," he whispered. "I need to stop being such an asshole to him. It's fine if I make myself feel like shit, but you know how much I hate doing that to others—especially kids."

The older man caressed Neal's cheeks, sighing. "Honey, you need to take your time and come to terms with—"

"It took me twenty years to tell someone I truly trusted about what Vincent did to me. I was fine after that until he kidnapped my son. When Nicky was rescued, I was fine. Then Craig came into the picture and kidnapped us. He used you as leverage and I gave myself up for you because I love you." Peter knew the younger man was going to end up crying shortly, but he knew Neal might need it since he hadn't cried or spoken about this topic much in the last few weeks. "What he did to me changed me, Peter. I'm not who I was before. Before Craig, I was actually beginning to calm down. The moment I did that, that fucker had to ruin everything."

"Honey, let's take this into our room," Peter pleaded quietly.

"I was with him for a week and I came out of that as a complete disaster. It took months for me to even feel comfortable with you, for me to even want to motivate myself and want to make love with you again. Vincent raped me for three years and I was able to let random men fuck me senseless and abuse the hell out of me." He was breathing shakily as tears slid down his cheeks. "After a week with Craig, I couldn't even look at you and have sex with you."

Peter cautiously grabbed Neal and began to lead him into their room. They were too close to the kids and he didn't want them to overhear Neal having a breakdown. "Honey, it's okay now. You—"

The moment he closed the door, Neal grabbed the waistband of his own pants and shoved them down. "Then this happened," he said bitterly, referring to the scar on his thigh. He stared at Peter critically. "This is two weeks worth of hell. Craig cut me up and bled me until I could barely help Nicky let alone myself. I gave Nicky all of our food so he could stay strong and I was dying, Peter." Neal was stumbling as he backed towards the bed, so Peter wasn't surprised when Neal fell to the floor. He tried to stop it, but Neal covered his face and bent his knees. "I was raped and double penetrated for two weeks," he said hysterically. "I was shown how much of a piece of shit I am in that time and now I've really done it. I'm fucking all of this up at home. I totally screwed myself out of my job by saving Neil and look. I got a blowjob and suspension for it. I should be in an asylum or a prison cell right now."

The older man knelt in front of his husband. "Neal, stop this. Stop hurting yourself." He tentatively touched Neal's bare knees. "What they did to you hasn't ruined you or anything here at home. You still have the love of your children. You still have me and—"

"Maybe you should be in an asylum, too," Neal growled. "You see me every single day in every single state I could possibly be in. I know I'm losing it and I can't control it. I've broken your trust and I'm hurting us. My kids will grow up to resent me because I know I'm going to commit suicide one of these days and you won't be there to save me."

"Don't you dare say that," Peter yelled quietly at him, scaring Neal. "God damn it, Neal. I won't tell you to suck it up and shut up because I know you're hurting so damn much, but stop telling yourself I'm going to leave you. Stop telling yourself that you're worth nothing. You're my God damn husband, Neal. Our marriage is meant to work for the rest of our lives and it means a lot to me. Don't you dare cut your life short. I want you until you're old and gray."

"I'm not going to make it that far," Neal whispered.

It took everything in Peter to keep himself from either hitting his husband or shoving him onto the floor in frustration. He just moved away from Neal because he didn't want to hurt the traumatized man more. "Sometimes, I feel like you want me to hate you. You want to get away from me and from this life. Do you hate me and our children so much that you'd go to extremes to kill yourself?"

"I don't hate any of you."

He surged closer to Neal and gripped his biceps firmly. "Then knock this the fuck off!" he snapped. Neal's eyes widened and his lips parted in shock. "You're a brother, father, and husband. You have Mozzie and Michael to consider. You have Nick, Brie, and Joey to consider. If you hate me and can't consider me, so be it, but don't do this to them. If you're happier without me in your life, you know I'll never force you to stay with me. I love you beyond words, but I'll never force you to do anything that makes you unhappy."

"I want to be with you," Neal said with tears in his eyes.

"Then show me that," Peter pleaded. "All of this makes me feel like I'm causing your misery just by existing in your life. I feel like a failure because I can't even give you reason to live." Neal was sobbing then and Peter felt terrible for hurting Neal emotionally like this, but he was being honest with him about all of this. "If you kill yourself, I'll blame myself. I wouldn't have been able to save you and I would hate myself for the rest of my life because I lost you when I could have done something." He wrapped his arms around Neal's neck, holding onto him as though he were frightened by the idea of Neal disappearing in the blink of an eye.

Two hours later, Neal was staring up at Peter while breathing heavily beneath their blankets. "This wasn't makeup sex," Neal stated firmly. "I want you to know that I'm happy even when I'm being such a dick to you."

Peter was still inside of his husband and he shook his head, lowering it to press his forehead against Neal's bare chest. "Sex will never show me that you're happy," he whispered. "Not in the way I'm looking for anyway. I know I've made you physically happy, but I'll never be able to tell if I've even done anything to help you emotionally."

Neal gently lifted Peter's head by his chin and searched his husband's eyes for a moment before gently moving away from Peter. "Stay here."

"Where are you going?" Neal slid off of the bed and moved across the room, crouching to pull something out of Peter's dress pants. "Neal, what the hell are you doing?" The moment he heard the small clattering noises, his heart leapt into his throat. Neal turned to face him and cuffed his hands behind his back. "Neal, what the hell—?"

"Fuck me like this," Neal said fiercely. "Get me out of this God damn funk where I'm so damned afraid to be with you because I feel them. Fuck me while I'm chained up."

"No."

"Do it, Peter."

"No," Peter repeated firmly.

Neal growled in frustration. "Then I'll go outside and have someone else do it."

Peter scared the hell out of Neal when he threw the blankets back and leapt off of the bed, moving towards Neal to shove him against the wall. "What the hell are you trying to do to us? You know I'll never abuse you—not this way or any other way. I love you, damn it."

He was staring into Peter's eyes, seeing the genuine anger in his husband's brown eyes. "Don't abuse me then," he whispered. "I want to get onto the bed on my knees and have you make love to me behind me."

"What good will that do?" Peter asked incredulously.

Neal sighed shakily. "I read about this," he whispered. "Please, help me relive the—" Peter knew what Neal didn't say because he knew Neal hated the word 'trauma.' "If I relive it with you, I can control it. I can take control of myself and I-I…" He swallowed hard. "I can change the events of what happened by doing this with you."

"That doesn't make me want to do this."

"It's psychoanalytical," Neal said quietly.

Peter shook his head. "No. I'm not doing this to you." Neal began to plead and Peter was losing his control. Soon, he was sure he'd give in to Neal's request and he'd hate himself for it. "Don't make me hurt you," Peter pleaded in response. "I've told you I'm never going to make love to you if I can't look at your face. I refuse to stand or kneel or whatever behind you."

"It'll help me."

The older man saw the desperation in Neal's eyes. "You know I'll do anything for you," Peter said tightly, "but this is one thing I can't do. I can't hurt you sexually. Not on purpose. Don't make me do this, Neal."

Neal, having forgotten he'd cuffed himself, tried to move his arms to hold Peter's hips, but he realized he couldn't do that. "Will you pretend then? Put your briefs and my lingerie back on and try this with me?"

"No."

"Peter, please."

"I'm not doing this to you!" Peter cried exasperatedly. "You're making me feel guilty, damn it. You know I want to help you, but not this way, angel." Neal was silent and Peter sighed, moving towards his husband. He grabbed the key to the cuffs and stood behind Neal, unlocking the cuffs. He tossed the handcuffs aside and wrapped his arms around Neal's torso. "I love you too much to hurt you to help you feel better. If there's any other way I can help you through this, I'll do it. I refuse to make you relive the sexual abuse. If I did that to you, I don't think I could stay with you." Neal choked back a sob and Peter kissed his shoulder. "I wouldn't be able to look at you and have the genuine feeling that you love me. I don't want to become one or both of them, Neal. This is scaring me more than I'm letting on and I'm concerned."

Neal turned in Peter's arms and Peter held him close as he sobbed against Peter. "Peter," he whispered miserably.

Peter kissed his husband's hair. "We're going to get through this. Someday, I'm going to help you live the life you want without all of this being at the forefront of your mind," he whispered. "I'm not leaving you, Neal, honey." He kissed Neal's temple and rubbed Neal's back. "Mom and dad will come down for Thanksgiving. They'll prove to you that you're worth loving. You're special to them, honey, and they have a closer connection to you than they do to Cara's husband. They've never called him their son the way they do with you." Neal nodded, remembering that Peter told him that before. "You're not an in-law. You're their son.

"I'm so thankful for you and our family," Neal said as he sobbed. "You've all been so damn understanding and I don't know how."

Peter closed his eyes, nuzzling the side of his face against Neal's. "You're worth it," he whispered fiercely. "You've always been worth it whether you believed me or not, Neal. We all want you to know we love you." He squeezed Neal gently. "Mom and dad adore you. Our babies love you with all of their hearts. Mike and Moz will do anything for you." Squeezing his husband a little tighter before rubbing his back slowly, Peter whispered, "You know I'll burn the whole world down for you. I'd go to the ends of the earth to find you and to save your life. You are the only man I gave myself the chance to fall in love with, Neal, and you're the only man I'll ever love this much." Tears slid down his own cheeks as Neal's chest shook against his. "Please, let me help you through this. Please, let me love you." He inhaled sharply, fiercely pleading, "Let me love you."

Neal nodded quickly, resting his hands on Peter's shoulder blades, exhaling heavily. "I will. I will, Peter," he said breathlessly as he sniffled.

"We'll make it through this one step at a time," Peter promised. "And I'll be right at your side during every one of those steps."