Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight
A/N (please take a moment): The livejournal community, lion_lamb, is currently holding an auction to raise funds for Haiti. I have offered up a one-shot, or outtake. Maybe you have a short story you'd like told, or have questions in this story you want answered. Maybe you'd like to get into Jasper's head (?!) or even find out what Alice and Jasper are up to at the moment. If so, head on over to lion_lamb and place your bid. Bidding starts at $2.00. I won't let this delay or affect upcoming updates to Not Without You. (The one-shot wouldn't take the place of an update.)
My auction offer (username odelay_bb): http:// community(dot)livejournal(dot)com/lion_lamb/6642881(dot)html?thread=262210241#t262210241
Not Without You
Chapter 29: One
Esme's neatly coiffed bronze hair was barely through our front door when she snatched Masen from Edward's arms, leaving a deep rose lip stain on her son's cheek. She held Masen close and tight, as if she planned on never letting go, or was afraid someone might try to take him. Edward wiped his face.
"It's only been a few months, but it feels like years," Esme said, giving me a hug. Masen laughed as we squished him between us. He grabbed hold of my upper arm and gave it a pinch. I took his hand and kissed it.
"This is a great little place you have here, kids," Carlisle said, looking around. I'd dressed the living room in deep blue streamers, and Emmett had picked up some jewel-toned helium balloons, which now hung from the ceiling. Though they'd began the morning in different corners, inch-by-inch, they were drifting toward each other, as if they were trying to meet in the center. "It's bigger than our first apartment. Of course, we didn't live on campus."
"That's right," said Esme, still all smiles. "We rented a tiny studio. A shower curtain covered the bathroom area, and the kitchen wasn't much bigger than a closet."
"Yeah," Carlisle said. "Basically you turned around, and that was all you could do."
"Oh, God! Do you remember our bookshelf?"
"That old bamboo thing; it took up the entire wall." Carlisle laughed. "It even leaned to one side because it was too crammed with books." He held his hand up, slanted at an angle. "I'm still amazed it never collapsed. Whatever happened to that thing?" He brought a finger to his lips, wondering, as if it really mattered to him--as if he wished it well and hoped it ended up with a happy couple who could fix its tilt.
"What did you do back then, Esme?" I asked, guiding her to have a seat on the sofa.
"I worked at a daycare part time, and went to school part time."
Her answer left me with a certain emptiness inside. I nodded at my feet. Would I have felt better if she'd said she'd stayed home with Edward? Possibly. But as it was, I stared for a moment at my shoes, my fresh void filling with the growing familiarity of being boxed in by my own freedom. Everyone around me--though weighted with responsibilities of school or work, or both--experienced daily achievements. Even Masen was accomplishing something new each day. And while I felt fortunate for the opportunity to spend every waking hour with my baby, at the same time, I couldn't allow myself to fully indulge in it. I couldn't help but think of how brief and scarce Edward's free moments had become, and the few moments that he did find for himself were tailed with burdens of what he otherwise should be doing. Even now, during Masen's party, Edward and I both knew he should be studying.
I looked into Esme's warm, green eyes. "What about Edward?" I asked. "Who took care of him?"
"Well, he came with me to the daycare. Because I was an employee, his tuition was free. Then, when I went to school at night, Carlisle had him. You see, Carlisle didn't go to school yet. He went after I completed my credential program. We knew how long a degree in medicine takes. I needed to be on my career track in order for us to make it work."
I looked up at Edward, who was avoiding eye contact with everyone, and his jaw looked tight. Something about our conversation had made him uneasy. I touched his arm and his gaze fell to me.
"What?" I mouthed.
He gave me his half-smile and shook his head.
"What can I do to help?" Esme asked. Masen was reaching for the ground; he wanted down, and I didn't miss Esme's disappointed expression as he squirmed and slid from her lap to the floor.
"Play with Masen. He can show you his new trick," I said. "All we have to do is set out the food."
I let them know that my family was expected any minute. Their hotel wasn't far, but they'd wanted to tour a bit of Palo Alto, and go out to breakfast before they came over.
Before Edward's parents had arrived, Rosalie, Emmett, and Edward had prepared sandwiches on square ciabatta rolls while I fed Masen breakfast in his highchair. It was an old metal highchair Edward and I had picked up at a local thrift shop. I'd disinfected its metal limbs and vinyl blue and white checked cushions at least four times before I ever placed my baby in it. He was insisting on feeding himself the scrambled eggs on his tray, even if most of them landed in his lap.
"Just let me give you one good spoonful," I said, but the only way he would let me was if I allowed him to guide my hand with the spoon to his mouth.
The pasta salad I'd shown Edward how to make the night before was marinating in its vinaigrette dressing, and topped with basil leaves, in the refrigerator behind me.
They made the sandwiches in an assembly-line along the smooth gray Formica counter to my right. Because Emmett was involved in this process, there were three types of meat in each sandwich.
"Emmett," Edward said. "Not everyone eats the way you do."
"Well, they should, shouldn't they? Look at me." He knocked Edward's shoulder, effortlessly forcing Edward off balance.
"No way," Rosalie said. "Not everyone has the metabolism you do."
"You know I work out," he said. "I don't excuse people who are too lazy to take care of themselves."
"I don't work out," I said. "Does that make me lazy?"
"Yeah, me too?" Rosalie asked.
"No, but you look great, love," Emmett said.
"Thanks," Rosalie and I said at the same time, and then exchanged a glance. Even though it had been a quick exchange, I looked closely at her eyes for a sign of insult or anger. I only saw amusement.
"You both look beautiful. You two radiate beauty like you've been touched by Aphrodite. Fuck it. I've lost this one."
Rosalie laughed.
"Watch your language," I said, motioning to Masen.
"Damn, again!" he said. "And… again." He shook his head at himself, returning to his sandwich making.
"I'd give you a hard time about it," Edward said to Emmett, "if only I could learn to control my mouth around my own kid."
"You're getting better," I told him, and he smirked at me, knowing that if there had been any improvement, it was marginal.
"Make sure you cut them into triangles," Rosalie said.
"I'm not cutting them in dainty little shapes," Emmett said.
"It won't kill you," said Rosalie. "It won't make you any less of a man. Besides, if you can say the word 'dainty' you can do the dainty deed."
"On the contrary," he said. "A man's manhood comes from within--his confidence, the way he sees himself. So, from my point of view, yes, it will make me less of a man."
Rosalie turned to him and glared. "Oh really?"
"I take that back. A man's manhood comes from the way his girlfriend sees him." He grabbed a knife from the wooden block of knives in front of him and began cutting the sandwiches in fourths.
"You didn't stand very firm in your statement, Emmett," I said, knowing I was stepping into something I may not be able to get myself out of.
"Love," he said, turning to me, his knife in hand. "If there's one thing you should have learned from me by now, it's that an argument has many sides."
"But she's right," Edward said. "You usually don't waver that easily." He slapped Emmett's back, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Looks like you're losing your mind-wrestling touch, my man."
"Nah," he said, "I've never been able to beat Rosalie, and she knows it. Takes advantage of that fact."
Rosalie went over to Emmett and turned him around by his arm. "Emmett, you've beaten me once."
"When?" He set the knife on the counter, peering down at her.
"Last year. When I was convinced we both needed to move on--away from each other. You fought against me on that. You never gave up on me, even when I'd lost hope."
A rare moment of intimacy emanated between them. They most often saved these moments for private. It felt private then, too, but I couldn't look away.
Emmett brought his big hands to cup her face. "Rose, I couldn't have given up. It would never have worked… us apart."
"I know," she said. "You were right. You won."
"No." He shook his head. "That was absolutely not a mind-wrestle. There was no manipulation involved whatsoever. That was reality."
He kissed her, and I could finally look away. I turned my attention back to a messy-faced Masen. He was happy in his slop while I thought about the sponge bath he would be getting in about ten minutes.
I heard Emmett speaking low behind me. "Love is of all passions the strongest, for it attacks simultaneously the head, the heart, and the senses."
"That's beautiful," Rosalie said. "Who said it?"
"I did."
"Who said it before you?"
Emmett laughed. "Lau Tzu."
"You and your philosophers."
"You are my only reason to philosophize," he said.
"Wow," Rosalie whispered, seemingly knocked out of breath. "Coming from you, you may as well have said I'm your only reason to breathe."
"Exactly," he said, and it went silent again, until I heard the sounds of lips kissing.
I tilted my head to the right to look at Edward, giving him a small smile. He smiled back and nodded.
Our apartment was too cramped, even for our somewhat small party. Some of our guests, Sue and my dad included, spilled out the backdoor, into the courtyard.
Caius's wife, or ex-wife, rather, was thin with blue eyes, and a long skinny nose. There was a slight bump on it, only noticeable at certain angles, and despite that, she was very beautiful. Her hair, the light brown color of grass burnt by the sun, headed straight for her shoulders, making a blunt stop just as it touched her skin. The way it landed right at that spot, it seemed she'd dropped by her hairdresser's for a trim before coming to the party. I noticed thick concealer dabbed under her eyes to hide tired circles as she held her hand out to mine.
"You're Masen's mom?" She looked doubtful. The hem of her knee-length dress waved as she shook my hand--her handshake was that firm. Her attire would have made me feel under-dressed, had Rosalie not been donning the same casual jeans and tee style as I wore.
"This is Bella," Caius said, Riley in his arms. I gave Riley a smile. "Bella, this is Andrea. Be sure to pronounce it correctly so you don't get on her nerves."
"Aundraya," I repeated, trying to lock the pronunciation in my brain. "Nice to meet you."
"I'm not really as bitchy as he makes me out to be," she said, whispering when she'd come to the word, 'bitchy."
"Well, I'm just as bitchy as everyone makes me out to be," Rosalie said, coming up behind me, and not whispering the word 'bitchy'. She gave Andrea a smile with a scrunch of her nose that reminded me of Alice.
Andrea nodded. "Are you a student here, Bella?" she asked.
"No, Edward is."
"What do you do?"
I glanced at Caius, who was lifting and replacing his ever-present baseball cap. I had yet to see him without it.
"I… take care of Masen."
"No, I meant what else do you do? Where do you work?"
"I don't work. Yet."
"What do you mean, 'yet'?" Rosalie asked, then addressed Andrea. "Bella is a good mother. What else does she have to do?"
"What about you?" Andrea asked.
"I'm a student at Berkeley."
"Really?" Andrea smiled. "Berkeley was my second choice."
"Well, good for you," Rosalie said, as if she were humoring an eight-year-old. "Why don't you come on in and get a snack?" Of course, since the three of them had entered at the front door, they were pretty much as in as they could get. So they took the few steps to the coffee table, where we'd arranged all of our prepared dishes.
"I'm sorry," Caius said, adjusting his cap again. "I told her about you. She knew the answers to those questions. She was just behaving that way because you're my friend, and now she sees that you're pretty, too."
I looked down, and I might have blushed. "It's fine. I've been dealing with that sort of thing since my junior year of high school."
I felt Edward behind me, and turned around. He was holding Masen--one of the few moments that Esme let our little one out of her arms--and I had the first chance to introduce Caius to Edward. I'd told Edward about Riley and his father, who we'd met at the arboretum, but they'd never had the opportunity to meet until today. Standing behind the sofa, near the closed front door, Edward and Caius tried to shake hands, but because each man was holding his baby in the opposite arm, their hands didn't line up correctly. They laughed it off.
"Can I get you or your wife anything?" Edward asked.
"I think Rosalie is already helping my ex-wife."
Edward raised his eyebrows. "Oh. I'm sorry, I wasn't aware..." Even looking away, I could feel Edward's eyes land on me. Had I not mentioned that to Edward? I'd told him that Riley's mom and dad were coming, but did I mention they weren't married? I mustn't have.
"Look who's here," I said to Masen, pointing out Riley. Masen was more enthralled with his two fingers in his mouth at the moment.
Edward was still stiff beside me, so I put an arm around his waist in an effort to relax him, but he only stiffened more. I let go.
After a short discussion of classes, Caius and Edward found common ground in a professor, who apparently never kept to the subject of the class--instead leading off-topic argument-causing discussions on current events or politics, better suited for Emmett than Edward. Emmett, in fact, entered the conversation on a wind of jealousy. He seemed to have radar for talks like these, and breezed right in.
"What did you say that professor's name was? I'm definitely registering for that class next semester."
"Irving," Caius said. "You're the guy Bella says I remind her of."
"He reminds you of Emmett?" Edward asked. The look on his face showed me he didn't agree, and I understood why. Appearance-wise, Caius and Emmett were near opposites. Caius wasn't as big as Edward, let alone Emmett, and his white hair was long compared to Emmett's very short dark hair.
"I meant his intellect," I said, which apparently wasn't any better from Edward's perspective.
"You think he's as smart as Emmett?"
Was this jealousy? Was he threatened by someone who may be as smart or smarter than Emmett? Embarrassed by Edward's reaction, I glanced at Caius.
"I told you. Caius is a grad student, Edward, and he likes to talk about life and knowledge in the same grandiose ways Emmett does."
"All right," Emmett said with a smile. "I've been looking for someone to talk to. These guys shut me down as if they have nothing to learn from me."
"So, you and Caius have had a lot of conversations," Edward said to me. "Is 'grandiose' his word, or yours?"
Out of the corner of my widening eyes, I saw Caius reaching for his cap.
"Edward, can I talk to you for a minute?" I tugged on his elbow. "Alone."
We excused ourselves. Still carrying Masen, he followed me to our bedroom.
"What are you doing?" I asked once the door was closed.
"Do you think I was out of line?" He gave me the round eyes of an innocent, seeming to be in disbelief of the obvious.
"Yes! Why did you do that? I invited him, and you've made him uncomfortable. And 'grandiose' was my word!" I folded my arms, realizing just then how much angrier that question of Edward's had made me than any other.
His fingers found his pockets. "I'm sorry, Bella I didn't mean you wouldn't use that word. But I heard him. He called you pretty."
"And you don't think I'm pretty?"
"Bella. What business does he have telling you you're pretty at our son's birthday party?"
"He was explaining his wife's behavior to me. He wasn't saying that he thought I was pretty, in particular. He was generalizing."
"His ex-wife, which, strangely, is a fact I didn't know. And you are particularly pretty, and I know he thinks it, and he knows that I know he thinks it."
"What?"
"He wants me to know he's attracted to you. He didn't stop talking when I came up, and he didn't lower his voice either. He saw me coming, and had the chance to shut up, but didn't."
"Maybe that's because he didn't mean anything by it, so he wasn't feeling guilty about what he was saying. Did that run through your mind at all?"
Edward looked at me, and bit his lip. Masen squirmed, having spent enough time cooped up in someone's arms, so Edward let him down.
"Bella." His fingers came slowly to my cheek. "It made you blush."
"You know I don't handle compliments well."
His hand on my cheek opened, his palm pressing lightly against my face, his eyes on mine.
"Edward, what do you want me to do?" My voice was calm. "Do you want me to not be friends with him?"
"No, that's not what I'm saying. Just… watch him, okay? Be aware."
"Are you done being jealous yet?"
"I don't know. Kiss me," he said.
"I don't want to."
He leaned forward and kissed my cheek, then whispered in my ear. "Yes, you do. Kiss me."
He brought his lips toward mine, stopping just before they touched.
"Kiss me," he said again, his breath mixing with mine. Unable to resist any longer, I kissed him. His arms came around my back, pressing me closer.
"I'll apologize to your friend," he said.
"Because you know I'm right?"
"Because you might be right."
I held Masen's hand, and the three of us walked together toward Emmett and Caius. We were stopped by Esme, who snatched Masen back. Edward's apology to Caius sounded so sincere that I almost believed he meant it. But just as things seemed to smooth over and get comfortable between them, Edward asked Caius about work.
"That reminds me," Caius said, turning to me, "there'll be a position opening up around January. One of our student staff members will be transferring after the semester is over."
"Why would that matter to Bella?" Edward asked. "Why would you even feel it's necessary to mention that to her?"
Caius threw me a confused glance.
"No reason," he said.
Edward looked at me, too. "She already thinks she has to prove herself. She doesn't need other people insinuating that she should be working." He looked at Caius again. "She doesn't have to work at this point. She does enough caring for Masen."
"I didn't mean to suggest that-"
Edward, ignoring Caius, brought his forehead to mine. "The only thing you need to fill your mind with today is that a year ago, we were lying in a hospital bed together with our brand new baby."
I smiled.
"Who is now being kept from us by my own mother." He tilted my chin, his lips meeting mine.
"Edward," Carlisle said. "Fill me in on school." He threw a chip into his mouth, and then placed a hand on Edward's shoulder, guiding him toward the kitchen. Edward's hand held mine until neither of us could reach any longer. I supposed Carlisle was taking Edward to the courtyard.
"Bella," Caius said, leaning closer to me. "You didn't tell me that Edward wasn't aware you were looking for work."
I brought a hand to my head, feeling a headache developing. I would need some Tylenol before this party ended.
"That's because I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I'm so confused I can't even think straight."
"What's there to be confused about? What do you want to do?"
"You don't understand. Edward and I have talked about this, like, a million times. I've convinced him, like I convinced myself, that things are exactly the way I want them."
"But they're not?"
"I thought they were. I'm sure they are. I-I don't know. I do know that this tennis match in my mind--college or work, college or work--it's not fair to Edward. I can't talk to him about it until I know for sure what I want to do."
"As an outsider observing, it's clear that as much as he dislikes me, he cares a hell of a lot about you. I think you should talk to him."
"You do?" I brought my voice to a whisper. "The thing is, if I tell him I've been considering attending college earlier than planned, he would give up Stanford if that's what he thought it took to get me there. He's said as much in the past. I have to be completely sure of any decision I make and know that we can pull it off before I mention anything to him. Because the last thing I would allow to happen is for him to lose this opportunity."
"The dude would give up Stanford?"
"Yes, and he very nearly did so in the past. He wouldn't give it up because he's stupid; he'd do it because he always puts me first. So don't call him 'the dude.'"
Caius laughed. "Look, I'm the last person who should be giving relationship advice. I can't even make my own work."
Rosalie's hand shot in front of me with a glass of water.
"You look parched," she said, "and not a little stressed out. Relax, love, it's your baby's party." She smiled. "Why are you two all intense and whispering in the corner?"
"We were just talking about…"
"Life," Caius finished. "Rosalie, is it?" She nodded.
"Would you do me a favor?"
"Depends on what it is."
"Ask my wife, I mean, my ex-wife, what it is she does for a living."
"Why?"
"I think her answer will interest you. Both of you."
Rosalie took me by the hand around the sofa, where Andrea was sitting, Riley on her lap, trying to get him to bite into a sandwich, while saying to Emmett, "You're very opinionated, aren't you?"
"Of course," he said. "Isn't everybody?"
"I wouldn't say that. I've met some pret-ty mindless people."
"Just because certain people choose not to open their minds to you, doesn't mean they don't have thoughts." He nodded as though he'd made an unarguable point, and that was as far as the conversation needed to extend.
"Andrea," Rosalie said, purposely mispronouncing it. I elbowed her in the side. "May I get you anything to drink?"
"No thank you. But Bella, Edward sure is a drink of water, isn't he?"
My mouth opened, but nothing came out. I had no idea what to say to that.
Rosalie did, however.
"Edward?" she said. "He's Dom Perignon served in a crystal flute, but only Bella gets a sip of that." She sat down next to Andrea.
Emmett laughed. "Okay, this is where I make my exit."
"So," Rosalie continued, her attention remaining on Andrea. "You never shared with us what you do."
"Oh, I haven't mentioned it?" I caught her throw a glance over Rosalie's shoulder at Caius.
"No, you haven't," Rosalie said. "Right, Bella?"
"I don't think so," I said, a bit hesitant, not sure this was something I wanted to be in the middle of.
"I work at the AM/PM" she said, averting her eyes to her son, who finally took a bite.
"The gas station?" Rosalie asked, as if she was unsure.
"The mini-mart," Andrea said, still avoiding eye-contact.
"But aren't you a Stanford graduate?"
"It-it's the economy," she said. "This isn't an easy time for anyone." She gave Rosalie what appeared to be a forced smile, her lips forming a thin line across her face. Then she stood up with her baby, and left the apartment the same way she'd come in.
Caius was smiling in his spot at the end of the sofa.
"What did you put us up to?" I asked.
"Come on," he said. "You know she deserved it after the hard time she gave both of you. Besides, it's not as bad as you think."
Rosalie laughed. "I like you," she said to Caius. "She did deserve it, Bella. Stop being so damn nice. Take some lessons from your younger sister over there." She pointed to Leah, standing with Seth in front of the kitchen entrance. They seemed to be involved in a disagreement--Leah frowning, and Seth wearing his usual amused expression.
"She's not my sister," I said, because I had nothing else to say.
Maybe I did need to stop being so nice. Andrea had, after all, put me on the spot with the sole purpose of insulting me--making a joke of me with my own words. Why should I worry about her feelings? I had enough of my own troubles to worry about. I thought all this, while at the same time wondering if everything was okay with Andrea.
"Bella, Rosalie," Caius said. "She doesn't work at the AM/PM because she can't get a job. She works there purposely, because she's afraid that if she makes more money than I do, I'll claim child support. Which, I must add, I would never do, but she can't seem to understand that not everyone thinks the way she does." Despite having said that, he still went out after Andrea, saying he'd be right back.
We all crammed ourselves into the narrow kitchen, watching Masen as he made a mess all over himself with his miniature cake. Chocolate covered his mouth like a thick clown smile while camera flashes came at him from all angles. He smiled and laughed and the rest of us laughed with him, until as suddenly as he'd begun laughing, he started crying. He sobbed, his little mouth open and turned down, his screaming voice going hoarse. I rushed to him, trying to get him out of the high chair as fast as I could, paying no mind to the chocolate that was rubbing off his face and onto my shirt. I struggled with the old lap lock that always seemed to stick.
"I'll do it. I'll do it," Edward said.
Finally free from his trap of a chair, I drew Masen's head close to my shoulder, swaying him a bit while he screamed into my ear. Edward, his hand at my back, followed me to our room. He left me there to get a wet cloth to wipe Masen's face.
"What happened?" he asked as Masen finally calmed down enough to nurse.
"I don't know. Maybe all the laughing was too loud for him, or maybe he's overly tired. I can understand that," I said, yawning.
"Maybe both," Edward said.
Masen, eyes closed, shuddering with small after-sobs, brought his fingers to the ends of my hair, twirling it like he'd done since he was about four months old.
Edward sat next to us, his fingers twirling the ends of my hair at my back.
"Bella?" he said. "Why didn't you tell me that Caius was divorced?"
"This again?"
"It seems that way, doesn't it? So why? You must have known."
"I don't know. I didn't purposely keep it from you. It just didn't come up, I guess. It wasn't on my mind. Just like I didn't say he had white hair and wore shirts with marijuana leaves on them."
"What?"
"Well, he says it represents hemp."
Edward scoffed. "And you do see him a lot?"
"Edward," I looked up at him. "We end up at the arboretum at the same time everyday. I take Masen there after his morning nap, and we have lunch and play. It happens to be the same time that Caius has a break in classes and does the same with his son when he has him. It's not like we're meeting privately. Lots of people are around."
"I'm not accusing you of anything, Bella. I just want to be informed."
"Okay, sure. What else do you want to know?"
"Why did he talk to you about a job?"
I closed my eyes. Masen had long since finished nursing and had fallen asleep, and I was well aware that we'd rudely abandoned our guests, but they would just have to wait longer. I brought Masen's face to Edward so he could kiss him before I laid him in his crib behind the screen.
When I returned to the bed, Edward was looking at me quietly, but expectantly.
"You've been thinking about this all day?" I asked.
"Yep."
"Why have you been so sweet to me, then?"
"Partly because it's Masen's birthday, and partly because I know how your mind works. You like to pretend that everything is wonderful and beautiful when it might not be."
"Edward…"
"Bella. You haven't answered my question."
"I told him I might want to work." I shrugged. "He helped me get Masen on the waiting list at the campus daycare where Riley goes."
Edward gave me a slow blink. "And you've kept this from me because…"
My throat was sore. My insides felt noosed. I wasn't ready to have this discussion with Edward. I rubbed my forehead. "Because I haven't made a decision about it yet. I only added Masen to the list because it's so long, and when an availability opens up, maybe we'd be in a position where we needed it."
He stood up and walked past me and around Masen's screen. When he came back he said, "Isn't Masen our baby? Shouldn't daycare be a step I should have involvement in?" The quiet in his voice did not hide his anger.
I nodded. "Yes, it is."
"Okay… Bella?" He raked a quick, heavy hand through his hair. "I'm trying really hard to understand this."
"Edward, I didn't sign Masen up. I only put his name on the list because… who knows? I might be able to help you out. Free up some of your time."
His eyebrows tensed in thought, then his face softened as he took my hand. "Bella, you don't have to feel the need to help me out. I know you don't want to be away from Masen all day. You said so yourself, that you would wait until he was a little older. The way we're doing things… they're working. Don't you think it's working?"
I shrugged again.
"Is this because people expect you to work? Is that why you're feeling this way? Expectations?"
"I don't know, Edward. You go to school all day then work, while I stay with Masen. What are people supposed to expect? What should I be doing? I mean, really, what is the right thing?" My eyes burned, but I held my tears back.
"Love, societal issues aside, the right thing is what feels right to you. Only you can answer that question. But I don't want you going out and getting a job just because other people who have nothing to do with us expect it."
"I'm just… I'm stuck."
He sat on the edge of the bed, not letting go of my hand.
"Stuck here?" He pointed at the floor, his eyes intense on mine.
"No." I shook my head quickly and squeezed his hand. I hadn't meant to give him that impression. "Stuck in mind. It's like my brain is having constant battles. What I think is right one moment, is completely wrong the next. I just wanted my head to clear some before I brought it up. I honestly don't have any answers."
"Do you want my opinion?"
"Of course."
"No, not 'of course.' If the answer was 'of course,' you would have asked me sooner."
"I want your opinion, Edward."
"I think that what you're doing now is right. Spending time with Masen. He's thriving. He's so happy and attached to you, and you get to see everything. You'll regret it if you give up your experiences with Masen to someone else. You have no idea what it feels like to miss so much."
If that was his argument to keep me from wanting to free up some of his time, it was entirely the wrong way to go. I was reminded of a conversation I'd had with Rosalie over a year ago. She'd warned me about Edward and I losing too much of ourselves in giving to the other. How much of Edward's self had he lost by giving me freedom?
"Edward, are you mad at me for asking Caius about a job or adding Masen to the waiting list?"
"I'm disappointed that you didn't talk to me about it, but I'm not mad."
"Okay, then can we postpone this conversation, because right now is not the time."
He nodded. I knew he was thinking that I'd meant now was not the time because of the party guests we had waiting for us, while I'd actually meant I still wasn't ready to talk about it.
He started to get up.
"Wait," I said. "It's your turn."
"For what?"
"What were you thinking when your parents were talking about their early married life? You know, when they were talking about school. I saw your reaction."
"Honestly?"
"Always."
"I was thinking about how my dad stepped aside so my mom could finish college first. I'm failing you in that area. I'm taking for myself first. That's why my chest fucking clenched a minute ago when you said you were stuck."
I stepped back and looked down into his eyes, rubbing my hand along the scruff on his jaw.
"You're not taking anything. All you're doing is accepting a rare opportunity that otherwise may never offer itself again. And you are absolutely not failing me. The only way you could fail me is if you gave up on yourself. Don't do that. I want you to promise me right now that you won't give up Stanford. Ever. No matter what."
"I can't promise, 'no matter what.' I don't know what the future holds."
"Well, promise that you won't give it up for me, then."
"I would give up anything for you."
I sighed. "Edward, you're not helping. Okay, let me change the wording. I don't want you to, and I will never want you to, give up on Stanford for me or anyone else. So please, for me, promise that you won't turn your back on Stanford."
He smiled. "I promise."
"There," I said, touching his lips. He kissed my finger. "You did it." I sank to his lap, wrapping my arms around his neck and resting my head on his shoulder, releasing as much tension as my body would allow.
"This learning as you go thing is hard."
"It is. But everybody does it." He rubbed my back. "We all learn as we go."
"Edward, you know I love you and I want to be here with you, don't you?"
"I know, Bella."
Edward returned to the party before me. I asked him to give me a moment, and then I removed the college application forms from my panty drawer and threw them away.
A/N: Review please. :) I loved reading your thoughts last time. (So many different perspectives.) It was great!
myimm0rtal has set up a Not Without You discussion thread at Twillighted(dot)net
www(dot)twilighted(dot)net / forum / viewtopic(dot)php?f=44&t=7726&p=829227#p829227
