A/N My sincere thanks for all the kind feedback from the previous chapter, which helps immensely at the moment. From the last few days of silence from me, I think the observant amongst you might realise (and maybe it shows in the writing too) that I'm feeling really quite unwell at the moment. Your continued support and understanding helps me and gives me the incentive to continue.

I really do have a lot of thoughts on where to take the story now, I have issues that I've brought up and done nothing with, ideas I would like to develop. However, at the moment it seems a bigger task than normal. I promise that if you can continue to support me and bear with me, I won't put the story on hiatus until I'm better. I hate it when stories get abandoned as much as I'm sure all of you do, so I will continue.

There are a number of comments from the reviews that I was extremely touched by. I will of course send messages out to everyone individually as soon as I can, but just know for now that you do encourage me. The idea for the story came about because after Meredith drowned I was struck by all the ways Derek in particular, would react to what happened. I think those of you who have read it will know that AriaAdagio's brilliant Standing On Solid Ground covered Post Traumatic Stress in a way that I could never begin to replicate, albeit I realise that some of our issues overlap somewhat, so I wanted to focus on the drowning in a different way. Bearing in mind the nature of Derek and Meredith's relationship, I had two options. The first I looked at was alcoholism. I rejected that quite quickly. Somehow I couldn't see Derek using a chemical to solve a problem, not for long, though Meredith might be another issue entirely. The other issue was erectile dysfunction. It struck me that this would get right to the heart of Meredith and Derek's relationship. It would basically ask the question, if sex was out of the equation, would the relationship still exist? It also gives me room to tackle what I really believe about Derek, that the man has an almost pathological fear of failure. I put my idea to AriaAdagio, who helped me think through a lot of my early plans, guiding me a lot and making sense of my ramblings, not to mention helping to calm a very early bout of freaking out about something I haven't even got to yet! It helped more than I can say, though that one bit…still freaks me out!

Anyway, I'm sure you want me to shut up and allow Meredith and Derek to face up (or not) to Derek's diagnosis. Read, enjoy and review. Oh, and if there is anything in particular that you would like me to have Derek and Meredith do together, you know, couple-y, non-sex things, I'm open to all sorts of ideas.

Meredith made her way to the locker room, trying to look as if everything was fine and normal, and absolutely nothing to worry about. She kept telling herself that Derek would be fine, he would be all right. After the tenth round of mental chanting, all of which took place between the parking lot and the surgical floor, she wondered who she was trying to convince. She couldn't get out of her mind the way he'd looked when she'd left him by the car. He looked just about as unfine as he could possibly be, but like he didn't dare say so in case he spooked himself into jumping right back into the Lexus and to hell with his appointment. Meredith's stomach flipped when she suddenly realised that he could have done exactly that when she'd left him and she wouldn't know. Right now Derek could be back in the car, sitting there, or worse, driving somewhere, away from the hospital, away from his appointment with the urologist and Meredith wouldn't know until it was too late to do anything about it. She cursed herself for leaving him, her mind creating all sorts of bad things, things where Derek was going away, away from his appointment, away from knowing what, if anything, was really wrong with him, away from her.

After several long moments of tormenting herself with images of Derek doing a disappearing act, Meredith pulled herself up. He'd been determined to find a urologist, she told herself, he'd promised he would and he had, there was no way he would turn tail now, not when he'd promised, not when he'd said he wanted to do something about his problem. Derek wanted this to be done and over with as much as she did, she reminded herself, he wanted them back to where they were before. She forced away a thought of another time Derek promised he would do something and then had turned right around and done something else. This wasn't the same. This was his health, not his marriage. He would go through with this, he would. He had been nervous when she left him, that was true, but he was about to go through something he knew would be awkward and embarrassing, something that no man really wanted to go through, let alone a doctor who knew, for the most part, exactly what this day, or at least the next hour or so, entailed. He was nervous and anxious and all sorts of other bad sorts of things, but he was going to go through with it. Right?

On going in to the locker room at last, Meredith told herself she was being stupid and it had to stop, needed to stop. She was thinking in circles, going round and round in her head, every thought going back to the idea that Derek would find a way out of this if he could. She wasn't doing it anymore. She wasn't. Derek was going to his appointment with Matherson and then he was going to page, or better, come and find her himself. Besides, he couldn't turn around and escape, once his appointment was over he had patients to see, work to do. Derek wouldn't walk away from that, he wouldn't.

'You're late Grey!' Miranda Bailey announced the minute Meredith faced her newly appointed Chief Resident, or rather, the second Chief Resident of the year. Meredith couldn't help the sense of relief that came over her. If Bailey was yelling then everything was all right. The time to worry was when Bailey was being nice. Bailey being anything less than her usual caustic, straightforward self was about as likely as the idea of Cristina changing in to baby pink scrubs, offering lollipops to people and demanding hugs from everyone whilst giving surgeries away, and about as weird. Bailey yelling meant everything was normal.

'Sorry, I…I had a thing', Meredith stammered, opening her locker and grabbing her lab-coat. 'I had a thing, but I'm here now and….' She knew if someone didn't stop her she would go into all out ramble mode. Crap.

Miranda Bailey's eyes narrowed. She stared at Meredith for several long seconds before she tutted, rolled her eyes and turned towards the locker room door. Then, on her way out, she turned and looked over her shoulder, watching as the roomful of residents dragged their feet and made no attempt to rush out to work. 'Come on people, lives to save, move!' Meredith sighed with relief. Everything was fine.

As Meredith edged through the crowd of residents, she felt someone grab her arm, she turned and saw Cristina. 'Hey' she smiled lightly at the sight of her friend.

'You were late, what's up, did McDreamy chicken out of his appointment?' Cristina said without any other greeting.

Meredith glanced around and, seeing that no one was listening or paying any attention to the two of them, she pulled Cristina to one side, away from any potential prying ears. She sighed, she knew Cristina didn't really mean to be unkind, even if she didn't exactly like Derek, she was just being Cristina. It was another sign that everything was all right. 'He's seeing Matherson this morning…soon', she added, checking her watch.

Cristina nodded and gave Meredith a quick pat on the shoulder, the nearest she ever got to a hug. 'Well then, that's good. I hear Matherson is good. He'll be fine Mer, you know that.'

Meredith couldn't come up with a reply, at least, not something that sounded at all convincing. In her mind she knew Cristina was right. From everything she'd managed to find out about Dr. Matherson since Derek made his appointment, it was obvious that he was a good urologist, one of the best in the field, but still, something lingered. Meredith couldn't shift the feeling in the pit of her stomach that maybe the tests Derek was undergoing would find something bad, really bad. Her mind kept going over all the things that could be wrong. She clamped down on the thought. Derek was going to be fine. He would keep his appointment with Matherson, he would have all the tests and then they would deal with whatever the problem was. It was all fine.

Cristina Yang gave Meredith another reassuring pat. 'So, does Izzie know about the appointment today, do you need me to watch her, make sure she isn't having any more cosy chats with a certain nurse?'

Meredith shook her head, smiling quickly at the mental image of Cristina Yang acting as a guard dog, ready to bite and snarl at Izzie Stevens if she so much as breathed a word in the wrong place. Meredith knew well enough that Cristina would do it too, if she just said the word. 'No I…I haven't told her about the appointment, or anything really…I think I'm sort of not speaking to her, which is probably pathetic, but after what she did, I just….'

Meredith couldn't finish. Izzie's gossiping about Derek still stung. It wasn't just what she'd done, even if that was bad enough, it was the damage that she could have done if it hadn't been resolved. It was also the way she was convinced she was justified in what she did, as if that made it all right. Oh sure, she had apologised to Derek and said all the things she was supposed to say, but there was still a feeling that whatever Izzie said, no matter how much she apologised, if the same situation happened again, she would make exactly the same mistake. It was a bit like being expected to forgive an attacker when they are still holding a knife to your throat.

Meredith knew she should make a decision about what to do about Izzie, whether she should move out of the house or not. As it was, Izzie was still there, creeping around the place as if she was trying to be invisible, or worse, she kept trying to compensate for what she'd done, as if it could be fixed with a plateful of muffins and a chocolate cake. Meredith knew she probably should tell Izzie she wanted her to move out. Things were awkward and uncomfortable now, they would probably never be like they were before ever again. But still, something held her back. Izzie was part of her family, it was partly that. Just like Cristina and George, and even Alex, in a weird sort of way, Izzie was her family, the only real family she'd ever known. But that wasn't it. No, as Meredith stood there with her best friend, her person, she knew. The reason she hadn't done anything about Izzie was Derek. All she could think about right now was Derek and today and what it might mean. In comparison, what Izzie had done didn't even feature.

Cristina watched as Meredith's face filled with all the things going on in her head. After several long seconds when they both stood in silence, neither needing to say a word, Cristina edged away. 'Tell McDreamy that I said he might not be such a selfish bastard after all.'

Meredith smiled, 'I will, he'll take that as a compliment, coming from you.'

Cristina Yang glared, 'I said might not Mer, don't make his head any bigger than it already is.' Then, without so much as a backward glance, Cristina walked away.

It was late when Meredith's pager went off, just an hour or so before the end of her shift. She'd kept herself busy all day, checking on her interns, seeing her own patients and catching up on paperwork. All the time one eye was on the clock, watching the time go by, her mind trying to work out how long Derek would take to see the urologist. She told herself she was being stupid, that watching the clock wouldn't actually make the time go faster. All the same, her eye was drawn back to it, the ticking seemed to be in her head.

When it got to lunchtime and she still hadn't heard from Derek, Meredith began to get nervous. What if it was bad and he didn't know how to tell her? What if he was sitting somewhere and Dr. Matherson was telling him the worst, that he had some awful thing wrong with him? What if he had something wrong that just couldn't be fixed? All Meredith's fears came rushing to the surface. Part of her wanted to run, to find Derek and just ask him, straight out, just to know. Another part of her didn't want to know, didn't want to see him, didn't want her pager to go off for any reason other than work. The thought of seeing him and having to hear something bad was too much. Meredith dragged herself into the Pit. It was boring, and easy, but at least she would be busy, she reasoned.

When Meredith's pager did eventually go off, it made her jump. She was holding a cup of coffee, the shock making her spill some of the hot liquid over her fingers. Swearing under her breath, she reached for her pager, feeling for it on her hip. Meredith's heart jumped into the back of her throat. It was Derek. He was waiting for her.

A few minutes later Meredith went into an exam room, closing the door softly behind herself. She turned into the room and saw him, sitting on the edge of the examination table, his hands almost in fists, scrunching the pale blue tissue paper that ran down the entire length of the table into a mess of holes and creases. Derek had pulled the blind down on the window, blocking out the view from the hallway. The only light in the room came from a small lamp over the examination table. It created a warm pool of brightness in the otherwise darkened room.

'Hey' Meredith said, once she'd allowed the door to click shut. The noise from outside, from people passing down the hallway as they went about their usual routine, was shut out. The only sound Meredith could hear was the faint hum of the lamp and Derek's heartbeat, or, she asked herself, was it her own? Suddenly it was hard to tell.

'Hey', Derek replied, his eyes brightening for just a second when Meredith appeared. He'd been waiting for this all day. His pager had gone off as he was leaving Matherson's office and he'd been called to a patient. After that he'd tried to grab a second, just some time long enough to tell Meredith what Matherson had said, at least about the test results if nothing else, but he'd been called away again, this time into a surgery. That had taken longer than he expected, but at least the patient was doing well now, surrounded by their family.

It was when Derek was filling in his notes about the surgery that he realised what he was doing. He was putting off paging Meredith, or trying to find her. He was delaying the moment when he had to tell her that Matherson had found nothing and the only thing he'd been able to suggest was that they not even try to have sex and they should date. It seemed ridiculous, hardly worth all the embarrassment he'd felt when he was being examined. But, Derek realised, he'd promised Meredith he would page or find her when he was done. As hard as it was, as much as he didn't want to say what had to be said, he'd promised. Before he could talk himself out of it, Derek paged Meredith.

Meredith stepped further into the room, away from the door. She looked at Derek, could hardly make herself take her eyes off him. It was as if she thought that if she could just look enough she would find a clue, something that would tell her what he was thinking. It didn't. Derek's face was blank, not quite emotionless, but unreadable, as if he'd pulled something over it, concealing it from view. It reminded Meredith of the moment when he told her he was staying with his wife. That time, when she watched him scrubbing in on a surgery they all knew was going to kill a patient, Meredith worked it out. Derek's whole attitude was shut off, closed to her, as if he knew that saying the words wouldn't help, so she'd said them for him. 'So, you're staying with her.'

'So, you paged.' Meredith spoke, almost catching herself out. She hadn't planned it. She was waiting for Derek to tell her. She'd opened her mouth without thinking about it, not to ask a question, but just to state the fact.

Derek sighed and focused on Meredith. 'I would have paged earlier, but after the…when I was done with….I got paged when I finished with Matherson, and then I had a surgery, and time just…..Sorry.' Derek stumbled over his words, not knowing what to say, or how to say it.

Meredith nodded. Derek was busy. This was all right. 'Did….What did Matherson say….What did he find?' She was going to ask if he'd seen Matherson. She changed her mind. She didn't want him thinking that she'd thought, even for a second, he wouldn't keep the appointment, that would be bad, like saying she didn't trust him.

Derek sighed heavily, releasing a breath of air before he inhaled again. This was it. He had to tell her. He hesitated. He opened his mouth, went to say something, but stopped himself. He looked away from Meredith at last, as if his shoes were suddenly fascinating.

Meredith watched as Derek went to speak. She saw his mouth form a word before it gave up again and straightened out. He took his eyes off her and looked towards his feet. 'Derek?' Meredith heard herself say his name, heard it as it popped out, high and shaky, as if she was scared. She swallowed, her heart began to race, this was bad.

Derek Shepherd could hear how worried Meredith sounded. He knew he had to say something. He had to pull himself together. 'I went to see him and he did all the exams, he took some bloods too…He's waiting for some of the results to come back', he added, almost as an afterthought.

Meredith felt her stomach roll. All of a sudden she was light-headed. Her heart raced so fast her chest hurt. 'Okay, so we have to wait for some blood tests, that's okay, but he must have said something, he must have given you some idea of what's wrong, mustn't he?' Meredith was torn between trying to sound like a doctor trying to obtain all the facts, and a girlfriend who just wanted an answer to what was wrong with her boyfriend.

Derek sighed heavily again, his whole torso shifting with the effort of it. He looked up from his feet at last. He looked into Meredith's eyes. She looked like she was about to burst into tears or run. He didn't want her to run. Not again. 'He said….He said there's nothing physically wrong with me, nothing at all.'

Meredith listened to what Derek said. It took a second for it to sink in. Then she realised. There was nothing wrong with him. He was fine. The relief was incredible. 'That's….It's.' She couldn't explain how it felt. Suddenly she wanted a drink, a large one. Then, once the initial fear evaporated, replaced by relief, she realised exactly what he'd said. There was nothing wrong with him. 'So if he couldn't find anything wrong, why can't you…I mean…' She struggled with the words.

Derek got off the end of the exam table and stood upright, pushing his hands deeply into his lab-coat pockets. He shook his head. 'I don't know, but Matherson said he thought we should spend some time together. He called it going back to basics, like….dating.' Derek added the final word as if the whole concept was foreign to him, as if he was trying to explain it.

Meredith half smiled. 'He thinks we should date, like going out to dinner and movies and…well, date?'

Derek frowned. This wasn't going well. He could tell, Meredith could hardly believe what she was hearing. He knew he had to tell her the rest. At least if he said it all now, it was done, out of the way. 'He also thinks we….' He stopped. He couldn't say it.

The tiny smile that had appeared on Meredith Grey's face slipped away. There was more. 'What, what else did he say?'

Derek concentrated on his feet again. He couldn't look at her and say this. 'He said he thinks…..He thinks we should stop even trying to have sex, to take the pressure off, he thinks….'

'He thinks I'm pressuring you to have sex?' Meredith said the words, her mind shutting off. This was too much. All the time, since the problem began, she'd tried really hard not to push, not to make Derek feel as if this was his fault, and now a total stranger was saying she was pressuring him?

Derek Shepherd's head jerked up, he looked Meredith in the eye and then, a second later, he was with her, standing so close he could smell her lavender conditioner. He shook his head firmly. 'No, he didn't say that, I swear, he didn't, besides, do you think I would have let him say that?'

Meredith's eyes widened at Derek's urgent tone. She could feel him, he stood so close to her. She wanted to reach out to him. Something stopped her. 'But you said….' She broke off. She didn't know what to say. It sounded like Matherson was blaming her for Derek's problem. It was her fault.

Derek shook his head again. 'Look, he just thinks that I'm putting to much pressure on myself.' He said the word clearly, so that she would get it. None of this was her fault. He was responsible for this mess and it was up to him to fix it. 'He thinks that when we try, and I…..I can't….I'm getting more anxious, so it makes it more likely that it'll go wrong again. He said it's a vicious circle I need to stop, so….'

Meredith eyed Derek warily, uncertain of what he was saying. 'So he's not saying it's me, that I'm doing something, or whatever?'

'Absolutely not, it's not your fault at all Meredith, it's just…..It's one of those things.' Derek didn't know how else to put it. How could he explain it to her when he wasn't even sure?

Meredith absorbed what Derek said. It wasn't her fault. 'So he thinks we need to date…and not have sex….At all?'

Derek nodded, seeing the look of confusion cross Meredith's features. 'That's right, he thinks we need to talk to each other, almost like starting fresh.' Derek knew as soon as he'd said it, he'd said the wrong thing. He wanted to rip his tongue out. Starting fresh was what they'd tried to do after Addison and Finn and all the rest of it. Meredith had wanted to go slow then and he couldn't do it. The idea of being near her and not having sex with her was just unnatural. It didn't last.

'So, we need to date, and not have sex, and we need to talk….To each other?' Meredith forced herself not to think about what starting fresh meant. They'd tried that before and it hadn't worked. This had to work. If it didn't….

Derek Shepherd smiled. 'Yes, to each other. Dr. Matherson seemed to think it might be fun. So, do you want to try?' He waited for her answer. He knew this was certainly not what he had expected from today. He'd gone in to his appointment with Matherson expecting a solution to a problem, something simple and quick. When that didn't happen he thought that he'd wasted his time, that all that embarrassment and humiliation was for nothing. Now, standing here, Meredith in front of him, Derek knew he had to try….if she wanted to.

Meredith thought about what Derek was saying. It seemed crazy. She thought back on every relationship she'd had with a man. Every relationship she'd ever known with a man had depended on sleeping with him. She'd left men who wanted more, or been dumped when a man had taken what he wanted. It was Derek who'd been different, when emotions had become involved, but even then, it had started with sex, with a one night stand on her living room floor. They'd started this thing, and just when Meredith felt that it was getting deeper, moving into something else, Addison showed up. Then, after everything, all the time apart when Derek was trying to save his marriage, there was sex again, dirty, adulterous sex, that felt right, even if it was wrong. There was getting back together and trying not to have sex and then doing it anyway, because it felt right and made her feel as if he wasn't slipping away again. Was it possible now that they could be together and not have sex?

Derek waited while Meredith stood in silence. He could see all the thoughts flying across her face, her doubts and uncertainty, as if she knew instinctively that this was a bad idea. 'Look, I know, this is probably crazy, it's probably a really bad idea, but what if it isn't, what if it's a good idea and we don't try? Isn't it worth a try?' He tried to sound positive, hopeful. The truth was that he was terrified she would say no, that she wasn't interested in trying, that it hadn't worked before and it wouldn't now so what was the point. 'Meredith, please.' The words slipped out before he could stop them. He knew he was begging, but right now, in this second, he didn't care.

'What if I died and you didn't get chance to go on a date with me?'

The words Derek had used what seemed like so long ago, and had in fact been no more than a year ago, hit Meredith. He'd pushed then, wouldn't leave her alone, even when she tried not to get involved with him. Now he was here, after everything, all the mess, and he was almost begging for a chance. He wasn't going away, at least, not yet. Not until he realised that being with her without the sex didn't amount to much. Until then, until that happened and he got bored with her, he was still here.

Meredith faced Derek, looked him square in the eyes. 'So, no sex and more talking and dates and stuff?'

Derek blinked. She was actually considering it? He couldn't believe it. 'Yes….if you'd like to go on a date with me that is?' He smiled brightly, suddenly feeling lighter than he had all day. All of a sudden Edward Matherson was a genius.

Meredith thought it over. 'Are you asking me out on a date Dr. Shepherd?' She edged closer to him.

Derek beamed, catching on to Meredith's mood. 'I am indeed Dr. Grey, if you'd do me the honour.'

Meredith nodded. 'I will, but there is just one thing, one little detail.'

'Oh, and what would that be?' Derek wondered what she was going to say next. It had to be something bad, this had been too easy so far.

'Would you mind driving me home? I mean, I know, we haven't even gone on a proper first date yet, I shouldn't really ask, but seeing as I came into work with you, in your car this morning, I….' Meredith smothered a giggle.

Derek laughed for a second. Meredith wanted to try. At least for now, in this moment, she wanted to try. Later, when she thought about it more, she would probably freak out, but now, in this second, she wanted to try. He straightened his face. 'Of course I'll drive you home, just page me when your shift is done.' He played along with her little joke.

As Meredith left the exam room a few minutes later, she wondered how this was going to work. Dating Derek hadn't gone so well before, how could it work now, and how, if they weren't having sex, could she keep him when he got bored? She forced the thought away. For now Derek was there. He wasn't ill. They could work on the rest, couldn't they?

A/N Wow, that turned into a marathon chapter, with, I think, some real movement. I hope it was all right. I'll know if you review. More soon!