Life sucks, work sucks...I had a lot to deal with lately so I wasn't able to update sooner, I'm sorry for the delay. Thanks for your reviews, you make my day each time. I tried to compensate the delay with a long chapter. Anyway...

Enjoy,

So ;)

ps: scuby, thanks for the arguments and the kick in my ass (yeah I know it sounds like I was masochistic :P...)


Chapter 29: Sara

I'm standing in front of my door. I got the doorknob in hand and the forehead resting against the door. Or more accurately I'm banging my head against the door. I've been doing that ever since Cath left out of here. A part of me wanted to go after her but I knew that if I did it'd have only make things worse.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit, SHIT!!" I repeat always louder and banging my head on the door rhythmically. I growl "FUCK!" I shout to no one before banging my head hard against the door.

Fuck that hurts.

Then again, I do deserve hurt right now. I just hurt one of the persons I care for the most. I hurt Catherine. Damn it Sidle, why are you such an asshole?!

It had started as a fine day. Cath was around she made some attempt at cooking, it was awful but we laughed about it. And then I screwed things up badly. I kissed her.

No wait, that's a lie. I let her kiss me and then I kissed her back. It was no peck on her lips, it was a full kiss with me tasting her lips, her tasting mine, our tongues dancing together. It was a real kiss. And what a kiss. The least we can say is that there's chemistry between us. But that's all that it is, chemistry. Once I got past that I regain some of my sense and realized what I had done. Kissing her back was a bad thing in itself but to find out that she wanted more than this kiss was worse. Because now I feel like the lowest form of life on Earth and somewhere I'm right…

I don't think I could have fuck things up more than I did even if I had wanted it.

I turn my back to the door and let myself sliding down, I lean my head back and close my eyes.

Stupid, stupid, stupid…

I stay right where I am for a long moment then I get up and grab the phone. I dial a number I know by heart and wait for an answer.

"Brown."

"Rick, can you come over? I could really use a friend right now."

Use a friend uh? Nice pun Sidle. And for information you already 'used' a friend.

"You're not the only one," he answers. Something's wrong because I can recognize this tone. He's mad at me. It's a fact he never denies me except when I did fuck things up with him. But right now I don't get why he would be mad at me. Wait…

Of course it makes sense. He's Catherine's best friend as well. Great.

"She's with you?" I ask not needing to precise who 'she' is.

"Yes, and I'm sure you'll understand that right now your need for a friendly ear isn't my priority at the moment," he explains. Though I know he's right and I totally understand, it's the first time he rejects me and that his tone is cold with me and right now it hurts.

"Yeah, I understand," I reply flatly. I sigh and I'm about to hang up when he calls me again.

"Dolly…" he says before sighing. There's a long silence. Like I said before he can't deny me, just like I can't deny him. There's this thing between us that make us want to be there for one another. We have this bound ever since we became friend and being lovers made it stronger. The fact that he used the affective nickname he gave me tells much more than long explanations. It lets me know that even if he's mad at me he still cares. "I'll come around tomorrow ok?" he says in a slightly softer voice.

"I'd appreciate that," I say not covering the twinge of despair in my voice. "Now go," I tell him.

"See you tomorrow," he adds before hanging up.

Great, until tomorrow I'm left on my own devices to dwell on things.

This is a nightmare.

xxxxx

I haven't slept at all. When Warrick arrives I'm on the verge of insanity. He gets in and sits on the couch. I needed just to occupy my mind before so I have cleaned the whole place twice and then reorganized everything. I'm desperately in need to talk to someone.

Warrick stares at me as I'm pacing in front of him.

"I fuck things up," I say still pacing.

"No, 'fuck things up' doesn't apply here. You fucked things up when you stood me up and ruin our date out of pride. You fucked things up when you were too stubborn to admit your weakness and put us in danger at work. Now what you did is way beyond the 'fuck things up' category. It's the rank above."

As I listen to him spitting his words to me I start to wonder why I asked him to come. I certainly don't need someone to make me feel shittier than I already feel.

"Rick," I try to warn him, to tell him not to piss me off.

"What? Don't tell me you thought I'd take it easy on you, because then it'd mean that you don't know me as well as I thought you did," he replies harshly. "Now either you grit your teeth and take what I have to say, either I can go."

He sends me a hard look. I knew this was coming, that he would give me hard time about it. Knowing it doesn't make it any easier. But you rip what you saw, and I really don't want him to go, so I'll grit my teeth and assume my action.

"What did she tell you?" I ask after a long silence.

"We're not discussing Catherine. Whatever you put yourself into you're going to fix it like a big girl, I'm not here to play the go between," he says firmly. I balled my fist, his attitude is starting to frustrate me but he's right. I have no right to ask him to break Catherine's confidence, and this is no high school so can't ask him help to fix things up either.

"She kissed me and I kissed her back," I state. My mind is a mess and I don't really know what I want to say. Lucky me I'm talking to Warrick so he'll be able to understand me no matter what. "After Nancy and I broke up Catherine harassed me on the phone then she forced herself here. She gave me an ultimatum, having her around once a day to eat or having her calling me all day long. I agreed on having her around. At first I was more than bothered, because all I wanted was to mope around on my own. Anyway, she kept coming around and I realized that I was glad she came. She was keeping from being depressed. And because…" I trail off; once more feeling like crap as reality slaps me in the face.

"Because?" Warrick enquires.

"Because she was a good substitute to Nancy. I mean, she would not leave me alone, we'd talk and laugh and…Cath is a touchy person and her affectionate side was welcome."

"So you used her fully aware of that fact?" he asks me in disbelief. "Why did you kiss her then?"

The answer to this question is probably worst than the acknowledgement that I used Catherine. "I just wanted to know how it felt like, I guess."

"You guess?"

"There were moments before when her and I almost kiss. I was with Nancy then so nothing happened. Well now…I guess that part of me that wanted to kiss her won," I say feeling disgust invading me.

It's true. More than once there was this tension between Cath and I, when I was with Nancy kissing Catherine was impossible. But now that Nancy and I aren't together anymore, I couldn't resist to the temptation. And it was a great kiss because of the chemistry. But for me it was just a kiss. "Thing is that she wants more or at least she wanted more than that kiss." I add.

"Who the hell are you?" Warrick asks me with a mix of anger, disbelief and disgust. "She's your friend and you treat her like some experiment? You used her like she was some trash! I can't believe you!!" he explodes. "You know what? If you weren't my friend and if I didn't love you like I do, my foot would be so far up your ass at the moment that you'd be sucking my toes by now!!" he spits. "I can't believe you did this! Damn it Sara!"

I watch him as his rage is spilling over. I don't say anything, considering that he's Catherine's closest friend his reaction was to be expected. "I'm so mad at you right now," he states the obvious once he has calmed down.

"I'm mad at myself and I really hope I'll be able to fix things up because I really can't afford to lose her," I say more to myself than to him.

"Yeah, well you probably should have thought about that sooner," he says flatly.

"Look I know I screwed up badly but you're not helping with your attitude!" I snap. "I understand why you are mad, but I need a friend right now, so please put your anger aside for a moment," I beg him.

He sighs heavily but nods. It hurts to have him mad at me but I deserve it. I know that neither of us like the situation, but I also know that I don't have it in me to fight him right now.

A long silence fills the room. We both get lost in our thoughts. "You know if I was Catherine it'd be a long time before I ever talk to you again," he states.

But he's not Catherine, so I know that the consequences are about to be worse. Damn what have I done? I think I'm going to be sick. I'm realizing all I'm about to lose, Catherine's trust and possibly her friendship.

I feel two arms surrounding me. I let myself go in the embrace. "That's about all the help I can provide you," Warrick states. I know he's right so I hold him fiercely, because I need strength right now.

xxxxx

I drag my feet to work. I dread to see Catherine. I've been honest with her about the kiss, but I could have put some form to my words instead of my bluntness. I'm expecting her to really make m life a Hell, but at least I saw this one coming.

When I arrive she's already in the break room, she seems in a good mood as she's sharing a light banter with the boys. I'm even more reluctant to make my presence known. I'm even tempted to make myself invisible.

"Hey Sara!" Nick exclaims. Well so much for being invisible.

I clear my throat and take a deep breath, putting a friendly face on when in fact I'm so nervous that my stomach is tied up in knots. "Hey guys," I answer before reaching the coffee pot. They greet me back. They keep on talking about whatever they were talking when I arrived.

Catherine seems in a good mood. But her mask fades away quickly as our stares cross path, her smile fades away and she send me a stern look, then the next second as if nothing happened she's cheerful again.

"Alright kids, Nick robbery on Henderson, Warrick and Greg murder on the strip, Catherine Car accident near the Tangier," Grissom announces.

"Hum Grissom? Hello?" I say waving my hand at his attention.

"Oh yeah, Sara, paperwork."

"This is a joke right?" I ask him

"You owe me two weeks of paperwork, so you're grounded," he jokes. Everyone chuckles while I sigh loudly in disapproval. Great.

xxxxx

I spend my shift alone in a recluse lab, scratching paper. At least working keeps my mind busy, and I don't have to face Catherine just yet, although I'd rather be on the field right now.

I put the final note on the umpteenth report of my shift and decide to go put it on Grissom's desk which will allow me to get m fix of caffeine.

I'm checking m y report one last time as I walk through the corridor, one creepy yet amazing thing is that my feet seem to have a mind on their own because they know their way around.

Suddenly I stop my progression as I hear my name being called. I turn around and see Greg winking at me, I smile at this. I look again at my files and start to walk again but I'm stop short as I collide hard with something or rather someone judging by the curse.

"Damn it!" exclaims the other person.

My breath is cut by the collision but it's not all I feel my hand and my stomach starting to burn me. Great I'm covered with hot coffee, correction burning hot coffee. I'm starting to shake my hand in a useless attempt to ease the hurt.

"Why can't you look where you're going Sidle?!"

I look up and see a pissed off Catherine equally covered with coffee. "Well, it takes two to tango if you had been looking as well we might not have collided."

I look down where my files landed and they are now covered with black stains.

"Oh come on!" I exclaim. Hours of filling boring papers only to have to do it again. I hold my lips tight together not to swear more and not to lash out on Catherine.

We stare at each other, I'm expecting her to implode but instead she shakes her head and starts to pick up my files. She hands them to me. "You should pass some water over your hand," she says.

"Yeah, but I think I should change first."

"Me too," she sigh annoyed.

We both go to the locker room. I put my files on the bench and go put some water on my hand. I'll have a mark for a few days I think but nothing bad.

Catherine is silently changing. It's weird, in normal circumstances she would have made some other bad comments or just been plain pissed, right now she looks tired.

I grab a new shirt in my locker and process to change. I sigh at the uncomfortable silence. "Tough shift?" I ask her.

"Don't bother," she replies not looking at me. "We're not going to chit chat about everything and nothing. We're not going to beat around the bush and act like nothing happened. As far as I'm concerned," she says before looking at me "We're through."

Wow. I feel oxygen leaving my lungs and my head starting to spin. My ears are burning at her words and my brain refuses to process them. I was expecting a lot of things, but not that. I think I'm going to be sick.

"I don't want to have anything to do with you anymore, unless it's work related," she says firmly yet with a flat voice. She buttons up her shirt and stands up. She closes her locker with a little thud. "I'm sorry about your files," she throws over her shoulder as she leaves the locker room.

I feel my legs turning into cotton so I sit down and keep on looking at her retreating figure.

I'm going to be sick.

xxxxx

It's been a week since the last time I saw Catherine. Well that's not completely true. I've seen her through the glass walls of the different labs; in the break room; in the corridor; in the break room before getting assignments and for eventual coffee breaks; in the locker room when every one is getting ready to go home or on the field; and sometimes outside work when it's time to take Jeremy, Allan and Lindsey at school. One common thing with all those moment is the fact that she ignores me and that she never stays more than 30 seconds in my company and as if fate was against me we haven't had any assignment together.

I don't know what's worse. To have Catherine pissed at me and lashing at me every opportunity she gets, or having her pissed at me and completely ignoring me. I think that I'm actually wishing for us to have a bad argument, at least I'd stop feeling invisible. There's nothing worse than being ignored. Or yes actually there is, being ignored and losing a friend in the process.

I never thought I'd screw things up that badly. I'm only hoping I'll get a chance to repair the damages I've done.

xxxxx

I'm back home – at Nancy's. It's temporary. She had a conference in Chicago and she asked me to take care of the boys for the three days she'd be away.

I've known many breaks up in my life but none had ever hurt because I've never been really involved with someone before Nancy. And though my break with Nancy hurts, we haven't really broken up. I mean we're seeing each other everyday and except for the fact that we don't share the same bed anymore, we pretty much keep on living like we were together. We have our routine and our daily life all planned.

And though that's the best part of it, I mean still having a family life it's hard because it's incomplete. But I'd rather have this than nothing at all.

Ever since our break Nancy and I haven't had time together. We haven't talked about things, we haven't really talked about anything, just keep each other posted for the daily routine.

xxxxx

I feel pressure on the bed and sneaky arms wrapping me from behind. It takes me out of my light sleep. I relax in the familiar touch and enjoy the feeling, yes, I'm home. I've always loved Nancy's habit to snuggle.

"How was your flight?" I ask sleepily.

"It was okay. How are the boys? How was your day?" she sounds as sleepy as I am.

"They're fine and day was alright. They spent the afternoon with Lilly, we did all the homework for the week end when they came back, we talked, had dinner and then watched a movie before calling it a day," I sum up the day.

"Sounds fun," she says.

"I left you a plate with dinner in the kitchen."

"I know, my favourite dish, it was good, thank you," though I can't see her I know she's sporting a smile right now.

"How was the conference?"

"I'll tell you later, go back to sleep," she chuckles.

When we were together Nancy and I had to deal with the fact that I work night, it meant having pillow talk. We'll talk for the little hours we had together when I came back from work and she was about to get ready for going. We'd talk even if we were tired and I loved those moments, there was just us in a bubble of love.

I chuckle at her reply and roll on my back so I can take her in my arms properly and hold her tight against me. Her immediate reaction is to snuggle deeper into me, so she's almost on me. I squeeze her a bit and kiss her head. "I missed you," I tell her. I'm not only talking about the last three days.

I feel her lips kissing my neck once, then twice. She starts to kiss my jaw line and lifts herself up a bit and delivers a sweet kiss on my lips lingering there a bit. When she pulls back I caress her hair and grins a little. She grins back and then rests her head against my shoulder again.

I drift into sleep with the satisfaction of feeling safe and home.

xxxxx

I wake up before Nancy, prepare breakfast and then start the morning ritual with the kids. One hour later everyone is ready to start a day. I take the boys and Lindsey to school and get back home to take care of Nancy.

When I arrive she's still sleeping. I prepare her a big breakfast and then start to clean the house. She wakes up a bit later and goes straight in the bathroom to have a shower. When she comes in the living room she's wearing black shorts and one of my shirts which looks big on her. Her hair is dripping wet and the three first buttons of the shirt are open revealing her delicate skin.

I can't help the smirk on my lips as I see her. Damn it awakens all my senses. She's sexy, I've always liked how she could make the simplest clothes look hot.

She's oblivious of my gaze though, she's still not out of her cobwebs. She finally acknowledges my presence with a smile. "Morning," she breathes out before sitting on a chair in the kitchen. I put a plate in front of her. I made a smiley with eggs and bacon, she chuckles and looks at me with sparkle in her eyes. "Thank you," she says with a singing voice. On normal circumstances she would have given me a peck on the lips. But her smile is more than enough. She starts to eat as I keep cleaning the kitchen. The silence between us is comfortable.

"I slept like a baby," she suddenly says.

I turn to her "Yeah me too."

I hadn't slept that well since…well since the last time her and I had slept together. It's true what they say, you're never better than home. I can't believe I let that go.

"Shame I missed the kids this morning," she adds.

"Yeah, they wanted to see you too."

"There wasn't any problem in my absence?" she asks.

"Jeremy and I have a hard time to communicate but we always manage to get on the same wavelength. Oh and Allan wants a telescope since Lilly took them to the planetarium," I chuckle and she just shakes her head. "How was your conference?" I ask again the question she didn't answer last night.

She starts to relate me the three last days. And I listen to her with a rapture attention. I missed her voice, her expressions when she's talking about something, the little sounds she makes when she's in a playful mood.

She stands up to put her plate in the sink. I'm leaning against the counter so we're close from one another. We stare at each other. She doesn't leave my eyes as she puts her plate down. We both hold our breaths, then she looks away. "I missed you," I whisper.

She looks at me again with her intense, deep green eyes. "I missed you too."

Right now I don't know if we're just talking about the three days she was away or more. I can see her chest moving faster as her breathing is shortened. She breaks the eye contact and starts to turn around to walk away, but I prevent her move by grabbing the lapels of her shirt. I can see her bottom lips shaking a bit. I bring her to me with the lapels and kiss her.

I feel, tingles, electricity over my body and fireworks exploding in my heart. I've just reached the Nirvana.

The kiss is slow, deep and sensual. It's like an old dance yet it's new.

I pull back slowly as I need oxygen. I rest my forehead against hers, keeping my eyes closed. "I miss you," I whisper between two breaths. I open my eyes and look at her. She brings her hand next to my cheek, I can feel the heat emanating from it but she makes a fist before touching me as if she had been about to make something forbidden. She takes a step back from me and I look at her. She seems lost, confused.

I close my eyes and sigh, then I go grab my jacket and leave.

xxxxx

Hours later, while I'm still dwelling on the fact that things hadn't changed between Nancy and I, although last night I was under the impression that she wanted us to be together again, there's a knock on the door of my apartment.

I'm tempted not to answer but I go at the door anyway. I look through the peephole and don't really believe what I see. I open the door and stare at Nancy. I let her come in. She passed me by and I close the door behind her. When I turn around she's blocking the way. She puts a hand on my chest and pushes me back gently against the door. I don't have time to ask her what's going on as she connects her lips with mine.

Her kiss is made of fire and more. I grip her hips to keep myself up straight. Her hands are in my hair pulling me to her. She pulls back panting. "I miss you too. Damn, I miss you, so badly it hurts," she says with a desperate voice.

I cup her face and make her looking at me. "I love you," my voice is thick with feelings. "I love you."

"I love you too," she says with tears.

Then we kiss again. If it was slow and tender at first it quickly turns into something more demanding and desperate. We bumped into a few walls as we try to reach my bedroom. By the time we get there half our close are gone. Our movements are urgent as if our bodies were trying to get back all the time they've been apart. We almost never stop kissing, it was like oxygen was coming from the other's mouth. It's not long before our bodies make a fusion, not long before we make one in a choir of breaths and moans.

She cries out her release in a last effort digging her nails on my back and then kisses me frantically. And even now the vivid need to feel the other hasn't faded away and I don't think I'd be satiated even if I was under her skin right now.

We don't stop this fierce and passionate embrace until we can't move from exhaustion. We're holding each other tightly, we are one body with two hearts beating in perfect unison.

I'm startled by the phone. I extend my arms to take it. "Sidle?" I say a bit disoriented.

"Sar, it's Greg, I know it's your day off but there's a pile up on the strip and Grissom asked to call to arms," my brain is in no condition to be operational so it takes me half a minute to process the words I'm hearing. "Sar?"

"Uh…Yeah, sorry. I'm on my way."

"Ok see you there," Greg says before hanging up.

I put the phone back on its cradle and rub my eyes a bit as if it would make the sleepiness disappear. I turn to Nancy who's blinking into consciousness again. "You have to go?" she asks me although it's more rhetorical than anything.

"Yeah, they're calling everyone in," I say as I disentangle myself from her slowly. Every new inch of my skin that loses the contact with hers starts to sting suffering from the first wave of withdrawal. We both sit on the bed trying to get our head clear before moving out of the bed. We look at each other. There are so many things to say.

"Will you come back home after?" she asks me. I feel insecurity in her voice as if she doubted that anything just happened or that it was nothing but the answer to a physical need.

I cup her face gently and kiss her, trying to convey all my feelings in that simple touch. "Yes I will," I voice out my answer. She smiles and I smile back. In a moment of clarity I leave the bed and go to the bathroom to have a quick shower. I come back into the bedroom and go to the bed to take Nancy in my arms. I imprint myself with her scent again and kiss her one last time. "Rest a bit, I'll see you home later."

"Be careful out there," she asks me seriously. I nod and kiss her again then stand up and leave her there. She lies back down and grabs my pillow before closing her eyes again.

Once in the living room I go to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. As I turn around to leave something catches my eyes. I stop dead in my tracks. There's a spare keys set on the island. I know it's not Nancy's, nor my emergency one, and there's only one person to have the spare keys to of this place.

Catherine.

I know for a fact that those keys weren't there before Nancy arrived. So it means…

Shit.

xxxxx

The pile up is pretty ugly and it takes us hours to process, and if it wasn't for the help of day shift we'd need days to process everything. And to complicate things a little more it has started to pour rain. I grab all the evidence I can and find shelter in the closest car. And lucky me it happens to be…Catherine's.

She had the same idea so we're now stuck in a confined space until the weather allows us to get out again and salvage every single evidence we can. There's enough tension to choke on.

"I found your keys on the island," I state after two long minutes of silence.

"I knocked several time with no success, I assumed you were out," she states. I don't correct her. Maybe she came by when Nancy and I were asleep. "I take it you and Nancy are back together," she adds. Well I won't have such luck. I don't know what to answer so I don't reply. "Congratulation," she says flatly, with a twinge of bitterness. "Did you tell her anything?" she asks after a long moment.

"No, not yet."

"Good and you won't ever tell her anything," she orders me.

"I'm not lying to her."

"After treating me like you did, this is the least you owe me. I mean I'm pissed enough at myself to have fallen for such a trick so I'd rather keep the little dignity I still have untouched. So you won't tell anything because nothing happened," she says vehemently.

I'm not okay with it, but she has a point when she says that I owe her that much.

There's nothing but the steady sound of pouring rain again. We're both looking through our windows, lost in thoughts. It's been weeks since she declared that we were through and I can't let this happen, I decide that now is the time to let things in the open. "So this is how things are going to be from now on? You're going to ignore me and just throw comment every now and then?"

"I thought I was clear. We're through," she says with an emotionless voice.

Something's off. I don't know this Catherine. I'd have expected her to be mad at me, to bitch at me but this new 'I'm keeping my cool and ignore you' thing is bothering me. It's like she had given up on me and our friendship.

"Well I'm not okay with it," I tell her firmly.

"I don't remember asking for your opinion."

"I have my say in this, I mean it concerns me as well."

"You don't have your say in this, not after the way you treated me," she protests.

"I made a mistake and I'm sorry about it."

"Good you're sorry. Do you feel like it made a difference?" she asks rhetorically.

"If I could turn back time I would. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings…"

She snorts "Don't flatter yourself. Feelings? I'm a big girl, Sara…I can deal with hurt feelings…and trust me, what you did, didn't hurt my feelings" she chuckles bitterly. "You bruised me ego at most," she sighs.

Call me conceited but somehow that comment hurts. "I made a mistake, and even if I want to I can't change what's been done. Can't we just try to move on?"

"I have moved on Sara," she says in a tone that suggests more than she tells. "Like I said, we're through."

"Don't say that. Please tell me what I have to do to salvage our friendship, I'll do anything," I tell her honestly.

"I'm not sure there's enough of a friendship here to salvage," she replies in a jaded tone. "I mean, we spent years at each other's throats; we managed to be friend before I found out that you were dating my sister and I was angry about that so we took a huge step back; we tried again; and then again it didn't work….maybe someone is trying to send a us a message, maybe we're not meant to be friends."

She cannot be serious, right? I mean, our relationship is not the easiest but it doesn't mean that it's the worse or that we should give up on it. "That's unfair," I say angrily.

"The only thing unfair is the way you treated me Sara…"

"I remember you treating my like shit, yet when you asked me for another chance I did give it a try because I thought your friendship was worthy."

"Oh so we're keeping a balanced sheet of everything now? It's all about being even, is that it?" she snaps. "Do you realize that you're being petty?" there we go. The feisty Catherine I know I back on the game.

"I gave you many second chances after you treated me worst. I make one mistake and you throw me away like our friendship didn't mean anything."

"Then you're a so much better person that I am. You can be proud of yourself," she replies sarcastically.

"How come you can make mistakes but other people have to be perfect?" I ask frustrated. I sigh and calm myself "I miss my friend. I need your friendship," I confess honestly. "I'm sorry things got out of hand, and if could take that moment back I'd do it."

"Well, you can't…and it doesn't matter, Sara."

"Cath…"

"Tell me, why is it so important to you?"

"It's important because you mean a lot to me. You're one of my closest friends and I don't want to lose you."

"I…"

"Doesn't this mean anything to you?" I ask her.

"I can't be your friend Sara," she says a bit desperate.

"I won't hurt you again."

"The thing is this Sara, I don't want to give you the chance to hurt me again. I can't…" she looks like she was about to cry but shakes her head. "I can't because for some reason you manage to hurt me more than anyone else I've ever known," she sighs heavily. "I just can't be your friend, period."

"That's it then?" my tone is cold. I'm so mad at her right now.

"Yeah, I think it's for the best."

"For the best?" I snort "For who exactly?"

"Sara," she says with exasperation.

"Why did you have to go and kiss me?" I almost shout at her.

"Oh that's rich, now it's going to be my fault right? I can't believe you. You kissed me back!"

"Why Catherine?"

"It's irrelevant," she dismisses me.

"You're crashing our friendship so I think it's relevant. Since you're about to fuck me over I think I deserve an explanation."

"Sara, don't do this. Just let it go. We won't fight, but we won't be friends anymore. I can't be your friend….I just can't…not when I…"

"When you what Catherine?"

"It doesn't matter."

"Catherine," I seethe.

"I can't be just your friend Sara. Don't you get it?! I can't be just your friend!!" she explodes.

I'm about to ask her what does that mean when realisation hits me. We're staying at each other. She looks fragile and silent tears are on her face. Oxygen has left my lungs as if I had received a blow. This can't be. She can't have feelings for me, she can't, she just can't.

"Cath I…" I start but tail off. her expression changes in a nanosecond. She goes from looking vulnerable to furious. Her features are hard, and her look is dark and angry.

"It doesn't matter," she says through her teeth. "We're through," she repeats firmly. And with that she gets out of the car under pouring rain, leaving me speechless and dizzy. I think I'm going to be sick.

What have I done?

xxxxx

I come back home to Nancy feeling exhausted. She's in the kitchen when I arrive. We look at each other silently before rushing toward one another and getting lost in a bruising kiss. The desperation from earlier is still there. It's like we were afraid that this wasn't happening. We pull back to breathe our forehead are touching. I grin a little and caress her cheek. "We should talk," I tell her and she nods her assent.

We step away from each other but she takes my hand in her and doesn't let it go. We sit on the couch, there's barely space between us, we need this connection right now, it's been far too long since we've had it. We talk about how we went through things for those last three months. We talk about our expectations and about how we should take things slowly and avoid the mistakes of the past. An hour or two later we are both drained by the conversation.

I know that I won't blow the chance that is offered to me. I'm feeling alive again and I know it's only thanks to Nancy. We're meant to be together and I know we can be happy together.

At last I'm back home.

xxxxx

Days go by smoothly. Nancy and I are slowly getting our marks again in this relationship and we are enjoying the bliss of renewal. We're enjoying the closeness, the tenderness and the easy gestures. We've always been really demonstrative so those last three months have been really hard for both of us. Now that we're back together I guess we're trying to make up for the lost time.

"Cath is coming to dinner tonight," Nancy announces me.

Catherine and I haven't had a non related talk ever since the pile up case. Like she had foreseen it we're not fighting, we are amiable toward one another but we're not friends. Every now and then we share a joke but mostly we became strangers. When Nancy's around we don't let anything show but the rest of the time she ignores me unless we have to work together or she needs me to take Lindsey to school when she can't make it. A part of me is hoping that this situation is just temporary. It's hard not to be her friend when she's a part of my life, she is my lover's sister after all. I miss our friendship badly, and I tried to make things change, but I know that it will have to come from her. Until then I just have to swallow the bitter pill. What you rip is what you saw.

"She's bringing her date along," Nancy adds. I snap my head at her.

Catherine is dating someone? Who is it? And why does it bother me to hear this?


You want Cath and Sara to be together, and I'll grant you what you're asking when the time is right. I'm a girl with a plan, so even though it seems like I didn't know what I was doing or where I was going, I do know. Just have a little faith in me.

Thanks for reading.