Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Axis Powers: Hetalia or any of their associated characters or fictional locations.

Slash Note:

How to use

XIII

Repeated use of the Slash Note on one human is possible, meaning their name can be entered multiple times into the Slash Note. However, only one sexual encounter is possible at a time, so writing the humans name again in this Note or another Note while an encounter is already taking place will have no effect.

XIV

The Slash Note may be used on one human seven times. After the seventh time their name has been entered in this Note, this Note and any other Slash Note will have no effect on them. However this matters little as after the seventh use of the Slash Note on a human the human becomes purely Homosexual permanently (if originally Heterosexual or Bisexual) and spend the remainder of their lifetime attempting to have sex with all other members of their gender.

XV

If the owner of this Note fails to write at least one name into this note every thirteen days they will be transformed into a Slashygami and be forced to spend the rest of eternity in an orgy with Shinigami's Ryuk and Rem and the humans Matsuda and Aizawa. The only exceptions to this rule are human who have never written a name into the Slash Note, in this case they have a total of ten weeks to use the Slash Note.

Well hello, once again it is I, Near, engraving my sorrows unto the paper which you foul creatures call a guide to High School but is truly a document of my suffering for the sake your twisted pleasures.

Well enough of that, lets get this over with. Today's bout of insanity began when I was at the breakfast table, trying to work out a way of escaping the thing in front of me.

"Well, eat up, you need your strength!" Said England in a happy tone.

I pocked the thing inn the plate before me with a plastic spoon, only to drop it as it turned to ash. "I wasn't aware that porridge was supposed to glow..."

"What are you talking about?"

"The porridge you made, it's brighter than most of the light-bulbs in here-"

"It is NOT glowing!" Snapped England.

I picked up the bowl and showed it to him.

".. No, it is most definitely NOT glowing, right Germany?!"

"Hrrrgh.." moaned a sickly Germany, a spoon still half in his mouth.

England turned back to me. "Germany says yes."
I felt my eye twitch".. Right, you know what, I would love to eat your food but- LOOK OVER THERE, IT'S AMERICA ON A POGO STICK!" I jumped off my chair and tried to run only to be jerked by England grabbing the back of my Pyjamas.

"You didn't really expect that to work did you?"

"Er, yes actually." I scratched my head. "Especially as America actually is out there on a Pogo stick."

England blinked, "what-" he managed to get out before America suddenly crashed through the window on a bright red Pogo stick with stars and stripes.

"Hi everyone!" Yelled America, suddenly standing on his feet, somehow unharmed by having just crashed through a pane of glass. "What's up?"

England's eyes narrowed. "America..," he suddenly smiled. "Good, you're just in time for breakfast!"

America grinned as well. "Oh goody! What are we having?" He sat himself down at the table before on the bowls without looking in it.

"Just Porridge." Said England, still smiling.

America frowned. Well it's not my favourite but.." He picked up a spoon and was about to take some when he caught sight of the atrocity in the bowl. He slowly looked at England. "You made this didn't you?"

England nodded. "Yes, now eat it before it gets cold."

America smiled shakily, apparently noticing the sight of Germany dying a horrible, horrible death. "If it's all the same to you I think I'll pass-"
England was suddenly behind America. "I SAID EAT IT BEFORE IT GETS COLD YOU UNGRATEFUL GIT SO EAT IT!" And with that England grabbed the spoon in America's hand, took some of the porridge from the bowl and tried to force it between America's lips.

"NOOO!" Screamed America. "I WANNA LIVE!"

In case of you were wondering about me at this point I was edging out the door, having been dropped by England like a sack of potatoes when he appeared behind Germany. Making certain that England was still trying to poison America I ran out the door as fast as I could, ignoring the agonised screams of a nation being forced into a prolonged, inhumanely horrific death.

It was normally at this point that I would have gone to the bus stop and hid until the bus came, however today was different as I was suddenly jumped from behind.

"AHH! RAPE! RAPE!" I screamed before a large hand covered my mouth.

"Be quiet, or do you want England to hear us?" I heard Mr Yagami say. A few seconds later we were hiding behind the house with Mrs Yagami.

"Ahh, it's a good thing we caught you Near, were getting desperate!" Said Mrs Yagami

"Erm, it's nice to see you too Mrs Yagami,"I looked around. "So why did you and Mr Yagami want to see me so badly? And how come you jumped me on my way to school, I thought France had come to.. do things to me!"

Mr Yagami winced. "I got that, well you see we couldn't see you this morning because if England saw us we would all be dying slow, excruciatingly painful deaths, so we had to wait until you left for school and 'borrow'' you then."

"... And why did you have to jump me like a rapist?"

Mr Yagami stayed silent. I sighed, "let me guess, you want me to do something, or do something to me that I don't want to do or have done to me and the only way to stop me from running away was to drag me to a place where you could catch me if I ran off, right?"

"... You really are a genius."

"Not really, I'm just getting used to the insanity, the ball and chain was the clincher," I rattled the chain around my foot. Mrs Yagami looked embarrassed, apparently they didn't expect me to notice her attaching it.

"Well anyway, Sachiko and I need some time out after all we've been through for the past months so we've decided to go out today, but we need someone to take care of Mattello and Kira-"

"And you thought that since I've managed to survive being the centre of insanity for so long I would be the best choice." I finished.

"Exactly! Now well be back before half past three in the afternoon, try to stay alive, bye!" And with that the suddenly cheerful Yagami ran off into the car and drove far away from the household of hell.

And that ladies and gentlemen was how I wound up staying home today taking care of two impossible babies (and I mean literally impossible, neither of them were conceived in a way that was remotely sane or physically possible and they both had men for mothers).

*****

Okay, for the sake of brevity I won't bore you with minute details of what went on today in my position as baby-sitter for the Yagami's, instead I'll just tell you about the three lessons I learned of Baby-sitting reality-unfriendly children:

Lesson One: Changing Nappies:

Ah, changing Nappies, the age of old terror of every parent who was stupid enough to forget the protection and ended with a bun the oven (probably along with an extremely expensive and long-term mortgage thanks to said bun which you didn't want in the first place) or for some absurd reason that, despite all logic, wanted to have a child and thus went through nine months of carrying a parasite dangerously close to their bowels, then going through hours upon hours of agony as said parasite ripped their orange-sized head through a golf-ball sized hole, before being finally allowed to go home and spend the next few months taking care of the brat.

Anyhow, seeing as corks don't work the best option is to grit your teeth, put on some gloves and go to your happy place where there are no little people that do nothing but scream, eat and 'poop' all day that you're supposed to find cute.

Well I found out that this option doesn't always work because Mattello, being the highly energetic Zombie-human hybrid that he is seemed to have a fascination with my finger that involved attempting to detach said finger with his razor-sharp little teeth that should not have appeared this early (then again he was only carried for what, a month? So he probably more advanced than other babies, or maybe it's his Zombie instinct's kicking in and he senses that the only one with a working brain worth eating around here happens to be me).

In the end I shoved a carrot in his mouth (vegetables are getting more plentiful now that the elopers aren't around to... use them) and used some industrial-strength gloves to get the Job done. That and twenty or so darts worth of elephant tranquilliser but let not concentrate on that.

Next up was Kira, the child conceived by some unholy joining with Misa and Mello, in which Mello was the mother. Kira was surprisingly good, all you have to do is make sure to keep the miniature pistols away from him before he hurts himself, or more importantly, you. Seriously what was Mello thinking giving a baby a real working pint-sized pistols, did he want to spend quality time with his son on drive-bys, show him how to ruthlessly maim and murder police officers, teach him how to deal with 'squealers'?

Anyhow, I was eventually able to relieve Kira of both his 'toy' and his 'rubbish' via the use of tongs. Unfortunately for Mattello and Kira I don't know how to tie a Nappy so I just used duct-tape.

Lesson Two: Lunch:

Now, feeding babies is always messy, is doesn't matter what you feed them they will find a way to get it all over you and the floor you just cleaned, bread, ice cream, rat brains you name it they will make a mess of it.

The most efficient method I found was to give them an A-Grade creepy grin so they would pass out in fear, shove a feeding tube down their throats and pour in some mashed-up leftovers. All you have to do is made sure they have enough room to breathe occasionally otherwise the child will suffocate and you won't get the tube out until irreparable brain damage has occurred and their parents will be sad because their child has brain damage and you will be sad because you have spend a decade in jail with a serial rapist who may or may not have a friend named George who happens to be a straw doll that tells him to do things to little boys in white Pyjamas.

Lesson Three: Nap Time:

Okay, you would think that with the ease that I managed to scare them into sleep before this would be easy, well it turns out that doing so makes you have repeat lesson one again so that option was out of the question and I had no more tranquillisers left (besides a certain Zombie-Human hybrid seemed to recover too fast for my liking anyway) so I was stuck with two options:

A: Sing a lullaby.

B: Go to the Kitchen and try to whip up some home-made sedatives with whatever England hadn't yet managed to render toxic.

I, being the highly intelligent and reasonable person that I am did the smart thing and did what any sane person with a working brain cell would do in my situation.

Twenty minutes later the sedative was ready, unfortunately whenever England goes into a kitchen nothing survives so it looking less like a sedative and more like radioactive water but those brats were tough.

As it turns out I was right, as usual, but , once again as usual, I was right in a bad way. Turns out that Zombie hybrids and children with gender-challenged parents have an abnormally high resistance to toxic waste, in fact, it just makes them hyper.

Very hyper.

In the end I managed to calm them down using a piece of string, two cans of vegetable juice and rubber stamp that was used in a way that rubber stamps are not supposed to used. Sadly, I must admit that it was at this point that I had to concede defeat and try to sing a lullaby.

Apparently babies have no taste because (according to their screams) they didn't like my singing voice one bit. Oh well, in the end I just resorted to my creepy grin and left them in their cot's, the Yagami's can deal with it when they get home dammit!

The score Near: 12 Fate: 19

19th of December

The Yagami household

Watching TV

Nate Rivers

Author's Note: Thanks for all the challenges people, now I have a lot of ideas of what to do next in Near's Guide to High School, and as I've said for the past few chapter's go have a look at 'Uninvited Guests' by Moczo in my favourites, it's near the top, you won't regret it!