One: Detritus

First he taught Little Sam how to count the troll way.

"How many recruits are dere in de Yard?" he asked her one day. She looked on the hapless Watch trainees he had running laps. Her nose crinkled, she whipped out some fingers and mouthed words for a second before triumphantly shouting "Many-three!"

He smiled. "Dat's right Sammy[1]. Now, how many recruits are puking up?"

Later he taught her how to count the way Cuddy taught him, and in a few minutes she was merrily counting the cracks in the ceiling. He sat and listened to her, looking at the cooling helmet in his hands all the while.

Two: Dorfl

Little Sam LOVED Uncle Dorfl.[2][3] To her, the golem was a combination of an awesome, mobile playground, and an interesting relative all in one.

So every time Dorfl was asked to watch after hir niece, it would mostly consist of Little Sam climbing all over hir and laughing like mad.

"Constable Dorfl," Vimes had told him yet again,[4][5] "if she is bugging you, you can tell her to knock it off."

Dorfl looked at the giggling girl who was currently hanging upside down from his outstretched arm.

"She Is Not Being A Bother."

Three: Fred Colon

It was Colon who fed Little Sam her first solids.

He had volunteered to look after her one day when she was about six months. It was lunch time, and all day the Yard could hear Little Sam wailing, as she was starting to teeth. Colon caught the look on Vimes' face as she came down to go out for lunch, and the circles under her eyes.

"Here, I'll take her while you go see Sir Saul," Colon said and took Little Sam from her mother.

He knew he did the right thing when Vimes didn't even argue, just nodded her thanks and went out for some time with her spouse.

Even though he and Mrs. Colon never saw much of each other by agreement, he remembered seeing that tired look on her face when their own children were babies. Sam could use a break.

"What are we going to do with you lass?" he asked Little Sam. She made a gurgling noise at the same time as his stomach. "Lunch then," Colon decided and together they went to Off Broadway to All Jolson's.

"Is this a new one Fred?" Jolson asked as he brought two Slumpies over and joined them at their table.

Colon started when he realized what Jolson meant. "Oh no, this is Sam's daughter, Little Sam."

Jolson nodded and they tucked in. Little Sam made more sniffling noises, but these were the ones that threatened to erupt into crying and Colon remembered that she was hungry too.

"Here Little Sam, try this," and he put a little spoon of meat and sauce into her mouth.

Her little eyes practically popped out of her head and if it weren't for Colon holding on to her, she would have dived head first into the plate.

Vimes looked rather suspiciously at the stains all over Little Sam's clothes when they got back, but she decided to let it lie.

Four: Lance Constable Sally Von Humpeding

Saul was out of town for the week. Half of the Watch was out sick and the other half was pulling doubles to keep up, including her. Not even Nobby was around, as he was helping Angua in the Shades.

And now there was a double murder, and while Sam had no problem setting up a cot in her office, or just generally exposing Little Sam to the atmosphere at Pseudopolis Yard, she drew the line at bringing her to a crime scene.

Thus, out of desperation, she went to Sally with her two year old in hand. "Lance-Constable, watch Little Sam for an hour, if you please," and proceeded to plunk Little Sam down in Sally's lap before the vampire could object.

Sally was about to say something when she caught the look on Vimes' face, and thought twice about it.[6]

"Thanks Sally," Vimes said, and ran out the door, leaving Sally and Little Sam looking at each other. Sally had absolutely zero interest in children; let alone what to do with them.

One of her cold fingers touched Little Sam's skin, who immediately shrieked[7], then started laughing hysterically. Sally smiled despite herself.

"Maybe you aren't so bad after all kiddo." Her eyes alit on the cello she had brought in case there was band practice that night.[8]

Vimes came back later to find Little Sam asleep in the cot in her office, and Sally playing some Uberwaldean piece on her cello.

Vimes couldn't help but smile a tiny bit. Maybe Sally wasn't such a bad choice for a babysitter after all.


[1] He was one of the few people allowed to call her Sammy.

[2] And yes, Dorfl was neither a male nor a female. However, Morporkian had not caught on to gender neutral pronouns and forms of address yet. And Sam just got the Uncle vibe from Dorfl

[3] And honestly, Dorfl didn't care whether Little Sam called hir 'uncle' or 'aunt'.

[4] She kept trying to tell everyone that they could tell off Little Sam if she was bugging them but her daughter never seemed to do so.

[5] Saul laughed after the baby shower was over. "Your Watchmen are going to positively DOTE on our child."

[6] It always amazed her that a scrawny, shorter than even her, alcoholic mutt like Vimes somehow managed to scare her even more than Margolotta, or some of the people she ran with In her non-Ribboner days.

[7] And scared a year of life into Sally.

[8] The Watch band still wasn't sure how to fit a cello into their motley crew, but Sally kept showing up for practice, so they were just going with it at this point.