Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures.

THE YEARNING

CHAPTER TWENTY NINE

"Oh, hell," Kathryn said to Kollie as she looked at herself in a bathroom mirror, "that damn alien shampoo has turned me into Medusa!" Her hair, which she had just dried after taking a bath, was all frizz and fizz and looked like a frazzled mop. "I should have known it would do something terrible. Shampoos promising bounce without bush always do!" Sighing, she stepped away from the mirror. "But there's nothing I can do about it now. I'll just have to live with it. Because if I wash it again, I'll look like a walking beehive!"

With that, she pulled tight the belt on her silky blue robe, and then ventured into her bedroom. It was a large room, round in shape, and had turquoise walls and white round windows. Silver blinds shut out the night and on the floor was a silver carpet. The bed, which was four poster, was draped with white net, and had a gorgeous turquoise quilt of shimmering pink flowers. Scattered around the room were pieces of white furniture, including an ornate wardrobe that had doors of mirror, and Kathryn went over to a bureau on which rested a mini-replicator.

"Coffee," she said, "black."

Instantly, a cup of steaming coffee materialized, and Kathryn picked it up. Then, after taking a sip, she walked up some silver spiral stairs that led straight from the bedroom to the skylight. This was an impressive dome of glass, through which the outside city could be seen, and inside it was a lovely lounge. It had a silver sofa suite, a round white table, and a crystal cabinet that curved with the glass wall. Upon it were books, photos and gadgets, aswell as a pile of padds, and Kathryn picked up a pink one. Then she put down her cup on the coffee table and curled up on the sofa. Kollie, now fully grown, curled up with her, snuggling beside his mistress, and Kathryn tickled his ear as she switched on her padd and navigated to an article that she wanted to finish reading. It was a long article, and as boring as hell, but as it was compulsory reading for her students, it was also compulsory reading for her. However, after only three pages, Kathryn found that her mind was starting to wander. Instead of looking at the padd, she was looking up at the stars above her. They were glittering in a black heaven and, as she looked at them, she found herself remembering another sky full of stars. A sky that had twinkled over a fire, a fire Chakotay had built on New Earth. Around it they had sat, roasting chestnuts and drinking wine, and then they had lain by each other's side and looked up at the stars. Laughing, perhaps from the wine, they had pointed out shapes and made up their own constellations. Then she had leant over him, her hair loose and her hand on his chest, and their laughter had dwindled away as they lost themselves in each other. But then, all too aware of the chemistry between them, she had pulled away and suggested they call it a night.

Pulled away.

Always she had pulled away.

Pulled away from the man who had loved her, yet thrown herself at men who couldn't care less.

And now...

And now she was crying.

Crying at the memory. Crying for what could have been. Crying for missing him. Even though it had been months since his departure, the pain of his leaving was as raw as it had been on the first day. Without him she felt...felt like she'd felt when Justin died. Alone and lost. But it was too late now for regrets. Too late to wish that she could do things differently. Too late to rewrite the ending to their story. Chakotay was gone from her life, forever more only to be an acquaintance, and it was better that way. Better for both of them. He would find someone special to share his life with, maybe even have a family, and by living alone she would never have to face her demons. They could chase her, and would, but alone she could always outrun them. It was only in the eyes of love that she would have to face them and fight them. And she couldn't fight anymore. After a lifetime of fighting a losing battle, she didn't have the strength. But while she had accepted this fate, accepted she would always be alone, she still missed Chakotay. Missed him so much that her heart constantly ached.

And then...

And then the door chime played.

Surprised, as she was expecting no one, Kathryn sat up and addressed the computer.

"Computer, who's there?"

The computer answered instantly. "Unknown. Visitor's lifesign is not in database. But visitor is male, human, of Native American origin, and has black hair with a left temple tattoo."

At this, Kathryn's heart skipped a beat. Chakotay? Was the computer describing Chakotay? But no, it could not be. She was just dreaming. Dreaming he was here because she wanted him to be here. And yet...and yet she felt wide awake.

The computer questioned. "Do you wish to speak to visitor?

"Yes," Kathryn answered. "Put me through."

There was a bleep, a buzz, and then the connection was live.

"Hi," Kathryn said. "Who's calling?"

"It's me," a dearly familiar voice said. "Chakotay."

Chakotay.

It really was him. He really was here. Tears of joy filled Kathryn's eyes and it was a moment before she could speak.

"I...I'll be right there."

With that, she closed the connection, left the couch, and hurried down the stairs. They spiralled into her bedroom, then into a kitchen of lemon and white, and then into a lounge of pastel pink walls and purple sofas. These rooms were round too, each one bigger than the last, and lights lit them up as Kathryn stepped into them. The front door, which was a sliding door of white that matched the windows, was in the lounge and Kathryn hurried over to it. Kollie followed, as always, and stood beside her as she opened the door. It opened slowly, the moment seeming forever, and Kathryn still could not quite believe that Chakotay was on the other side. It was only when she saw him there, standing before her in a black jacket over black pants, that she knew it was true.

"Hi," he said.

Kathryn smiled through tears and then, before she knew it, was hugging him. "Hi to you."

Chakotay hugged her back, tearful himself, and closed his eyes as he buried his face in her hair. Gods, how much he had missed her. And gods, how much he loved her. Never did he want to let her go. He just wanted to hold her forever. But she was not his to hold. Not yet. Maybe never. Over the last three days he had done a lot of thinking. Too much thinking. Little had he slept and little had he ate. All he had thought about was Kathryn and what had happened to her. He needed to know. Needed answers. But he could not just bulldoze into her life and demand them. She had a new life now, perhaps a new love, and he would have to tread carefully.

"Please," Kathryn said, drawing away, "come in."

Chakotay stepped into the lounge and was immediately jumped on by an excited Kollie.

"Oh, down boy!" Kathryn cried. "Down!"

"It's ok," Chakotay said, petting him as he went back on all fours. "I don't mind. But hasn't he grown?"

"He sure has," Kathryn replied. "And far beyond The Doctor's estimation. But, thank heaven, he won't grow any bigger. And, if you're thinking he's not the only thing that's grown around here, meaning my hair, I have an explanation. I just took a bath and used this damn alien shampoo that practically electrocuted it."

Chakotay could only laugh.

"And, as I'm sure you don't want to have to look at it all night, let me pop upstairs and make myself decent."

"There's no need," Chakotay told her. "You look..." he wanted to say what he was thinking, beautiful, but ended up saying, "fine."

"For a scarecrow competition, maybe. Please, make yourself comfortable while I... No, on second thoughts, let me take you up to the skylight. It's a heavenly room, right at the top of the house, and has magnificent views over the city. You can wait there while I sort myself out."

"Ok," Chakotay said. "Lead the way."

Kathryn showed him to the stairs and he followed her up them. Kollie did too, bouncing past both of them, but Kathryn ordered him back to the lounge.

"Looks like he's learnt who's boss," Chakotay said as the mutt, head bowed, went back down the stairs.

"Yes," Kathryn smiled. "But he still has his moments. Only last week he ransacked the neighbor's greenhouse by chasing a rabbit around it. They're everywhere here, Chakotay...rabbits, that is, not greenhouses...and they're the strangest ones I've ever seen. They're completely blue, eyes and all, but have these huge green teeth that I swear glow in the dark."

Chakotay laughed again, laughed despite his heavy heart, and then looked curiously around the kitchen they had just entered. Never, in his life, had he been to a house that had a kitchen above the lounge.

"What's this?" he asked. "Some kind of higgledy piggledy house?"

"You could say that," Kathryn laughed. "It has this crazy round design, which means there's only one room on each floor, but it's in a good spot and I kind of like the novelty. I mean, it's not like I cook enough to be up and down, and the exercise can only be a good thing. I'm spending more time than ever behind a desk." She then went over to a small silver machine in a corner of the room. "Want a coffee? This baby makes the best. And I mean the best."

"Sure," he said, "thank you."

Kathryn replicated two coffees, needing another herself, and then placed them on a red machine.

"This'll beam them to the skylight," she said, "and we can pick them up there."

"Which has me kind of worried," Chakotay teased. "How many floors up are we talking about?"

"Just two more. This is a one bedroom house. But, if you were hoping to stay the night, there's a sofa bed in the skylight."

"Thank you," he said, "but I have a room at the starbase."

"I see," Kathryn replied. Her disappointment was visible but she tried to shake it off. "Your ship being serviced there?"

"No. It's on Starbase FX-10."

"Then what brings you to these parts? A convention?"

"No," he said honestly. "I'm here because I wanted to see you."

"Really? You've come all this way just to see me?"

He nodded.

"Oh, Chakotay. You shouldn't have. All you had to do was send word and I'd have met you somewhere half way between both of us."

"I didn't want to inconvenience you. You're working here and I'm...well, I'm on leave."

"It would hardly have been an inconvenience. I'd have loved to meet up with you. And as to work, well, I get to call a lot of shots. Most of them, in fact. I could easily have taken a couple of days off."

Chakotay said nothing, just gazed sadly at his hands.

"But you're here now and I really am delighted. I've missed you."

At this, Chakotay looked up at her and tears filled his eyes. "And I you."

For a long moment their eyes locked, then Kathryn looked away. "And we've got a lot of catching up to do. So, let's get moving so we can get started."

With that, she led Chakotay up the next flight of stairs to her bedroom, apologized for the mess, and then led him up to the skylight.

"I've spent hours up here," she told him as they arrived there, "reading or listening to music. In fact, it's the room that made me decide to take this house. I wasn't sure, you know, about the topsy-turvy design, but this room won me over."

"I'm not surprised. It truly is an impressive space."

"On a clear day you can see right to the lake, and on a clear night, like tonight, you can see the stars."

Chakotay looked up and saw the stars glitter above them.

"Hard to believe, isn't it," Kathryn went on, "that only last year we were somewhere amongst them, never knowing if we would see home again. That time seems...a lifetime ago."

"Yes," Chakotay agreed. "And yet only like yesterday."

"I miss those days. I never thought I'd say it, but I do. We all shared something special on Voyager, something I don't think we'll ever find again, and I miss it."

"Me too," Chakotay confessed.

"But, as they say, life goes on and I'm glad for the crew's sake that we're home."

"Not for your own?"

Kathryn tensed, rubbed her neck as she always did when she was uncomfortable, and then went to pick up their coffees. "Of course for my own too. I'm just...I'm just not the settling type. I like adventure, you know, adrenalin. Living a life that is predictable in every way bores me crazy. That's why I've come out here. After a year of the same old, same old, I needed a change of scene." Carefully, she handed Chakotay his coffee. "But enough about me. How are you? How was your first mission?"

"Everything I'd ever expected it to be," he replied, somewhat vaguely. "We achieved everything we set out to achieve and within the given time."

"I never doubted you would. But that's not exactly what I meant. How did you like being captain?"

"More than I thought I would. But our expedition was pretty straightforward. We got there and back without a single skirmish with aliens."

Kathryn lowered her eyes and gazed sadly into her coffee. "I suppose...I suppose you'll be leaving on another expedition soon."

Chakotay was a moment in answering. "Yes."

"And I suppose it's in deep space again."

"Yes. It's a five month mission to Jarkiva."

Kathryn felt tears sting her eyes. The familiar tears of heartache. The familiar tears of missing him. She didn't want him to go. Didn't want to have to live more months without him. But she would have to live without him, and she would have to get used to saying goodbye. That was the reality of their lives now.

"Then when I'm back from tidying up my hair," she said, "you can tell me all about it. In the meantime, make yourself comfortable."

She then put down her coffee and left the room.

When she was gone, Chakotay looked long at where she had stood, his heart feeling her departure, but then he took off his jacket and looked around the room. The most striking sight was the view of the city, which sloped down a hill, and for a while he gazed out at it. Then he found himself looking at the framed photos on Kathryn's cabinet. There were a lot, from different times in her life, and he carefully picked up one of her as a little girl. She was sitting on a porch swing, her red hair in braids, and was no more than five or six years old. One of her front teeth was missing, making her smile crooked, but it was such a happy smile that it warmed his heart. Behind her was a woman that he recognized as her mother, even though she was a lot younger, and in her mother's arms was a black haired infant that had to be Phoebe. Beside this picture, in a lavish gold frame, was one of what had to be her parents on their wedding day, and next to that was another of Kathryn. In this one she was about thirteen, and was standing before her father. In her hand was a tennis racquet, a white one with red stripes, and she was clad in white shorts and t-shirt. Her father's hand was on her shoulder, proudly and protectively, and Kathryn was again smiling. Chakotay then looked at a family shot, taken at what seemed to be a Starfleet event as her father was in uniform, and then at a grown-up picture of Kathryn that made his heart hurt. In it, she was standing with a man, a handsome man with black hair and green eyes, and their happiness was glowing. Kathryn was leaning into him, her arm around his waist, and he had an arm around her shoulder. They were somewhere warm, as she was wearing a pretty green sundress, and her freckled face was smiling with joy. The man had to be Justin, her fiance that had died, and Chakotay's heart ached for her loss. They had clearly been very much in love.

Then, hearing footsteps on the stairs, Chakotay put down the picture and turned around. As he did, Kathryn stepped into the room, her hair in a ponytail and her robe ditched for a blue dress, and she greeted him with a smile.

"That's me a ponytail smarter. But honestly, Chakotay, I'm seriously thinking about bobbing my hair again. It was so much easier to take care of. And, if that's not reason enough, it's so damn hot on this planet that having long hair's like carrying around a blanket."

Chakotay was going to remind her that he'd always loved her hair long, but as he might not be around to see it, the opinion seemed irrelevant.

"But, on the other hand," she went on, "it does give good protection from the sun, especially when loose. And, God knows, with my delicate skin I need all the protection I can get. Only last week I burnt to a crisp after taking Kollie for a walk on the beach. Next time someone asks me what I think is the best invention of our time, I'm definitely going to say dermal regenerators."

Chakotay smiled, but there was a sadness in his eyes as he watched her cross the room and pick up her cooling cup of coffee. It was partly a sadness for his own heart, for the longing that it had to be around this woman always and listen to her chatter, but it was mostly a sadness for hers, for all the pain and the sorrow it had felt. Kathryn was a good woman, a brave and compassionate one, and she deserved to be happy. But he could see that she wasn't. Not only were there dark circles around her eyes, but she was painfully thin. He could also tell that she was putting on an act, an act of being happy.

"These coffees are almost cold," she said, taking a sip. "Want me to replicate some more? I can do it without traipsing downstairs as I have another replicator in here. It's nothing as sophisticated as the other, and the coffee isn't half as nice, but at least it makes me what I ask for, which is more than can be said for my replicator on Voyager. Boy, did that baby drive me crazy! Oh, and speaking of babies, did you know that Neelix had a girl?"

"Yes," Chakotay said. "But I don't know her name."

"It's Lixa. She's a few months old now and is the cutest thing. But I'm going off on a tangent again. Do you want fresh coffee?"

"No, thank you," he answered. "I've almost finished."

"Then I'll make do as well. But please, sit yourself down."

Chakotay sat in a chair and Kathryn sat opposite him on the sofa.

"So, tell me more about what's happening with you? I'm guessing there's a reason you've come all this way to see me. Perhaps to...invite me to a wedding?"

Chakotay understood her meaning. "No," he answered. "There's no one. You?"

"The same. I'm really busy and..." She suddenly got to her feet. "I've just gotta have a fresh coffee."

With that, she went over to a mini-recycler and switched it on.

"But I'll tell you who is getting married," she said as she recycled her coffee, "Harry Kim. And not to Libby. Apparently things didn't work out. And you'll never guess who he is marrying, Nicola Weston. Strange, isn't it? All those years together on Voyager and they never noticed each other, but now they're the most important person in each other's life. They met at some function last year, Voyager related, and it was all fireworks and sparks from the get go."

The coffee recycled, Kathryn now moved to the replicator.

"Other news is that Sam's pregnant again, a boy this time. Naomi, as you can imagine, is ecstatic. She's always wanted a brother or a sister. My friend Holly's expecting again too, though I don't know what she's having as she wants it to be a surprise. The baby's due in September and I really hope to be around for the birth this time. Not literally, of course, that's Ben's place, but for the aftermath. When Jasper was born I was in space and the same with Katie." On went the replicator, and a blue light flashed as it warmed up. "Of course, all these babies means I'm knitting again. I'm making a blanket for Sam's, exactly like the one I made for Naomi, except for the color, and I'm making clothes for Holly's...you know, the usual booties, hat and coat. I had a hell of a time deciding on a color, as I wanted it to be suitable for a boy or a girl but not be a predictable white or yellow, so in the end I went for orange." A cup of hot coffee materialized and Kathryn picked it up. "It was either that or purple, but a light shade could look too girly and a dark shade too dark. But orange is a winner, I think."

Kathryn then turned to him and took a sip of coffee before speaking again.

"Would you like something to eat? Your wish is my replicator's command."

"No," Chakotay replied. "Thank you."

"Then I'll just put out some nuts...just incase you get peckish." She turned back to the cabinet, opened a glass door, and reached inside. "They're real, not replicated, and native to this planet. You'll love them as they have this delicious taste that is something between pecans and almonds. I got them at a market last weekend, a huge one that's held once a month, and wish I'd got a boxful." Out of the cupboard came a silver container, and Kathryn opened it. "In fact, I'm going to program my replicator to...Damn, they've almost all gone. But don't despair, I'll do the programming now. Then we can eat them to our heart's content."

As Kathryn closed the cupboard and returned to the replicator, talking more about the nuts just to talk about something, Chakotay could endure the tension no more. It was partly fuelled by him, he knew, as he wasn't his usual self, and it was up to him to relieve it.

"Kathryn," he said, "I remember."

At this, Kathryn's fingers, which were flying over the replicator's console, stilled. Then her hand lowered, as did her head, and she withered into a hunched and haunted figure. She clearly did not need to be told what he remembered.

"I see," she said quietly. "How...how much?"

Chakotay got to his feet and slowly closed the gap between them. "Everything. I also know that you were never engaged to Mark."

Unshed tears glistened under Kathryn's eyelashes. "Who...who told you?"

"That doesn't matter," he said kindly. "What matters is why you've never told me."

For a long moment, Kathryn said nothing, did nothing, then she turned to the wall of glass that looked out at the city.

"I wanted to," she said, "because I never...I never wanted to live a lie. But if I told you about that then...well, I'd have to tell you about the rest. And I didn't want to. I didn't want to open that door and let the past inside. Voyager wasn't the place to fight my demons. So I kept up the pretence." A tear ran down her cheek. "I was also ashamed. Because if you remembered, then you'd remember what I was, and I...I was afraid of losing your respect."

"That would never have happened, Kathryn. I respected you then and I respect you now."

"Even though I've deceived you?"

"I know you think you had your reasons. But I wish things had been different."

"Me too. But I was going to tell you. That night of our return, I was going to tell you then. But you were with Seven and...and it just wasn't the right time."

"For some things there is never a right time."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "I know. And I'm sorry."

"But I'm not here to lecture you. What's done is done. I'm here because I love you."

At this, Kathryn turned back to him, tears in her eyes. "Don't, Chakotay. Please don't go there. Because I can't let you in only for you to walk away. I can't...I just can't."

Tenderly, Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "I won't walk away, Kathryn. Not ever."

"But there's so much you don't know about me. Because that woman I was when you first knew me, that drunk woman who would sleep around, she still lives inside me. I wish she didn't, I wish she would leave me alone, but she won't and I don't know if she ever will. Because I never resolved those issues you said needed resolving. I tried, more than once, but always...always I'd find myself back at square one. And I don't know if I'm strong enough to try again. And you don't need the grief. Because I've hurt you too much already. I want you to be happy, want you to find a woman who can be everything you need. Because I can't. I'm still in a bad place, still so messed up in my head that...that I'm no good for anyone. So please, if you really love me, accept that we can never be."

"I can't do that, Kathryn. I've tried, a million times, but I've never been able to let you go. Not completely. I love you too much. And I need you. This last year, living without you, it was like living without a piece of myself. I know you're in a bad place, and I can guess why, but you don't have to stay there. We don't have to stay there. Together we can find our way to a good place."

As she looked into his eyes, Kathryn wanted to believe it, wanted to believe that there was finally a way out of the hell she had been living in for so long, but she couldn't. Couldn't because she was afraid to. Now the moment was here, now all her dreams were on the verge of coming true, she was afraid. Afraid of reaching for his hand only for him to let her go when she was almost out of the pit. The fall back down might just kill her.

"I don't know, Chakotay. I don't know if there is a good place for me. Maybe there's just a better place. And that better place is being alone. Because I know I'll hurt you. I know I'll hurt both of us. And I can't take any more pain."

Tenderly, Chakotay brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I once told you a story about an angry warrior who couldn't find peace, even with the help of his spirit guide. For years he struggled with his discontent, and the only satisfaction he ever got came when he was in battle. This made him a hero amongst his tribe. One day, he and his war party were captured by a woman warrior. The woman warrior was brave, beautiful, and very wise. She asked him to join her, because her tribe was too small and weak to defend itself, and the angry warrior swore to himself that he'd stay by her side, doing whatever he could to make her burdens lighter, and in that way, the warrior began to know the true meaning of peace. You're my peace, Kathryn. My comfort and my joy. Let me be yours. Let me love you and make all your burdens lighter."

"I want that, Chakotay. I want it more than anything. But intimacy is...it's hard for me. I've never...always I've been drunk. And now...now I don't know any other way. And don't say love will light it, because love doesn't. Not ever. And I can't do it anymore. I can't fight anymore."

"You don't have to. The fight ends here, Kathryn. Because I meant what I said. I'll never walk away. I love you and I need you. Not for sex, or for anything else you think I want from you, but for you. Just you. My brave, wise, and beautiful Kathryn."

Kathryn wanted to protest, wanted to argue her case, but instead of words, all that flowed was tears. And then...

And then she was weeping.

Gently, Chakotay gathered her in his arms and all Kathryn could do was cling to him.

END OF CHAPTER TWENTY NINE