A/N: The next chapter is almost done! The team is ready to go into the Tower to fight Lekain, and once I get that written I can post the next two :3 Woohoo! This story is still fun for me, so I hope it's still fun for you!


Ike versus the Fourth Wall Round Nineteen Part Two

"This is either the setup to an orgy porno or a horror film," said Boyd. He was referring to the fact that the horrible weather outside had forced Team Greil Mercenaries into the abandoned home of the late Duke Oliver.

"I'd vote for an orgy except that I hate all of you," said Shinon. Conversely, somehow Gatrie was already naked.

Mia looked over the team before astutely observing, "Gayest orgy ever. I'm totally in!"

Heather gasped, indignant. "It is not! We have you, me, Titania, Mist, Soren, Nailah and Rafiel! And those other people but who cares about them. It's perfect!"

Rafiel merely tittered. Soren facepalmed Heather's face.

"Seven girls and six guys!" Gatrie exclaimed. "It sounds perfect to me!" He and Heather exchanged a brofist - not that they liked each other, but at this point the Ike and Ranulf Obligatory Brofist had caught on to infect most of the group.

Soren facepalmed Gatrie's face. "I've always wondered how you were capable of breathing and thinking at the same time. Now I know you're not. I actually find that reassuring."

Ike came back after a little bit of scouting. "I'm thinking this is actually a horror film," he admitted. "This place is pretty clean, like someone was living here."

"Or un-living here!" Rolf squealed in terror, hiding behind Shinon.

Mia raised her hand. "But if this is a horror movie, who's the killer?"

"Soren," said Titania, Mist, Gatrie, Shinon, Rhys, Oscar, Boyd, Rolf, Heather, Nailah, Rafiel and Ike.

"Me," said Soren.

Mia blinked in surprise that her question had been answered so forthright. "Well, that's no good. While I definitely think that Soren would be the one to kill us all one by one, what fun is it if we already know that?"

"For a surprise twist, it could be Shinon," Rhys pointed out pleasantly. "That's still plausible."

"But it's not really a surprise," Boyd pointed out. "The only reason he's not as likely as to kill us as Soren is because of alcohol. If we really want to be surprised, that means the killer is…" He gasped dramatically. "Rhys!"

Everyone gasped, looking at Rhys, who looked horrified at the idea.

Ike considered that. "Actually, Rhys could make an awesome Black Knight. I mean, who would look at him and he think he was evil? I certainly wouldn't. That's awesome. I like this plot twist way better."

"Okay, so now that we have that settled, we all have to split up," Oscar said reasonably. "That way we're all in danger."

"Adding on to that," said Gatrie, "we should all split up into small groups – that way, we can have some hot sex before we all get killed by Black Knight Rhys. I volunteer to go with Mia, Heather, Titania, Mist, Soren, Nailah and Rafiel."

"Hell to the you," said Heather.

"Anyone who touches Rafiel is going to get sucker-punched," said Nailah. No one looked impressed until she amended, "By me. Sucker-punched by me." They still didn't look impressed until she finished, "When I'm a wolf."

Gatrie and Heather gently took sidesteps away from Rafiel, who merely blushed, pleased.

"Okay, wait a second you guys, Soren is a dude," said Ike.

Heather, Gatrie and Boyd all gasped.

"No way!" Heather protested, looking at Soren appraisingly. "No way at all."

"Definitely," Gatrie agreed, "Definitely not."

"Whose bright idea was it to have a second Gatrie? This may just be the worst day of my life. And it has stiff competition," Soren muttered to himself, wondering how to kill them both and frame Rhys for it.

Nailah perked up, looking away as her ears twitched. "My 'Rafiel is in danger' sense is tingling."

"Does it ever stop?" Shinon drawled.

"Someone's here," Nailah continued, ignoring Shinon. She walked away and the group followed her, able to see clear across the house.

"Senator Oliver, we senators of Begnion have graciously given you life once more," wheezed Senator Hetzel, who was standing there with a contingent of soldiers and a certain someone, "and we expect you to use it appropriately."

"Lolwut," said Ike.

"Yes, of course I shall!" crooned Duke Oliver, who hadn't lost a single pound since death. "I shall destroy these interlopers in my abode!"

"Suddenly I've lost interest in an orgy," said Heather and Gatrie in unison.

"No no no," said Ike, "no no no no no."

"See that you do," Hetzel managed to say before teleporting away.

Oliver looked down at the Greil Mercenaries. "I shall enjoy taking my revenge in the name of beauty!"

"NO NO NO NO NO," Ike continued, hoping that this would make him go away. "NO NO NO."

Despite Ike's vehement protests in the name of continuity, the stage did not go away and the Greil Mercenaries were forced to fight off waves of mooks. Admittedly while the fact that Oliver was still alive despite all evidence pointing to him being incredibly dead was a horrible thing, there was something worse.

"Hi guys!" said Tormod before getting killed by the closest mook. Then Vika got killed because she couldn't do any damage, which meant Muarim got gang-attacked and also died.

Nailah's ears flattened against her scalp. "Are you kidding me? They didn't show up for two parts and suddenly we're supposed to keep their underleveled butts alive?"

For once Ike agreed. "If we save them, then he's just gonna complain that he's short, so I say we keep going."

So they did, and they won. Ike was fully prepared to kill Oliver when porn music started playing in the background. Heather and Gatrie both disrobed, cheering.

Rhys, who was about to stab Boyd in the back, looked put-out. "Hey, I thought we decided this was a horror movie."

"Oh! Oh!" Squealing in glee, Oliver pushed a mook out of the way and ran up to Rafiel, petting the heron's long hair. "Oh, a most delectable, glorious, spec-tac-u-riffic specimen of man-bird! Oh, to live to see this day – truly it is the blessings of the goddess upon me!"

"Meep," said Rafiel.

"You didn't live to see this day!" Ike protested, angry that Reality was not listening to him. "You're dead! You're totally dead!"

The porn music grew louder as Oliver cooed and petted poor Rafiel. "Oh Goddess yes, ohhh yes! You're so beautiful it hurts so good!"

Nailah sucker-punched him, as a wolf, in the groin.

"Yep. It's a horror story," said Shinon, covering his own.