Disclaimer: The great Stephanie Meyer owns all things Twilight. I'm just using her amazing characters to tell you a story.
Thanks as always to my beta AgoodWITCH for all of the input, great comments and overall support on my stories. I love you so much.
Chapter 29 – Moving On
BPOV
"I feel so stupid. He was with Leah the whole time and I didn't see it. I mean, I saw him looking at her a lot but I never thought… I never thought he would…"
I wiped my eyes on the sleeve of my jacket. Since Wednesday, I hadn't gone a single day without crying. Wednesday was bad. Thursday was worse but I was making it through this time. I wasn't going to let myself completely fall apart like I did the last time.
"He keeps cheating on me, Mom. I love him, but it's like I've never been good enough for him. I know what you'd probably say to that but it's true. Every time he does it, he makes me feel like I'm not good enough to love. Like my love for him means nothing. He sees me as a friend and that's all I'll ever be."
I wiped my eyes again. I hated the fact that I was crying over him one more time.
"I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen again but I keep falling for his games. This is the last time, Mom. I'm done with him. If he wants Leah, he can have her. I'm not going to fight for him anymore. Honestly, right now, I don't even think we could be friends after this. I don't trust him."
Thinking about everything he did and everything he said, I could feel myself getting angry again. I had to keep telling myself that Jacob Black didn't matter to me anymore. I refused to let him hurt me again. After several minutes, I was able to calm myself down again.
"I know it's gonna be hard to let go but I don't need him anymore."
Wiping away the last of my tears, I pulled the letter out of my pocket.
"Look, I got another letter from him. And no," I laughed, "I still don't know who he is. I know I've told you this before but I think it's because of him that I'm able to let Jake go this time. Sure it's crazy, because I don't know this guy, but I can tell he really likes me. I really hope, though, that if I ever get to meet him, he's as sweet in person as he is in his letters."
I opened the envelope. "You want to hear it."
From the day I stopped telling Alice and Rosalie about my letters, I started reading them to my mom. She was the best person to share them with anyway, not because she couldn't judge or talk back, but because we always talked about boys together. Well, it used to be one boy in particular, but she was always happy to talk when the topic of a cute boy came up.
"Now don't judge me, but I think I've read this about a hundred times since I kicked Jake out of the house. I've really needed his words, you know, to help get me through."
I took a deep breath and cleared my throat, getting ready to read.
"Dear Bella,
I've missed you. This week has been so busy that I've hardly had time to see your beautiful face. Seeing you always makes my days better, but since you're in every thought I have, I haven't gone a single day without the picture of you in my mind. As we get ready to take our break for Thanksgiving, I want you to know that I am so thankful to have met you. You make my days brighter just by being around and whether we talk once a day, once a week, once a month, or not at all, I'm grateful that you're a part of my life. I won't get to see you until next week so I hope you have a great holiday with your dad. Don't overwork yourself because I know you tend to do that a lot. Until I see you again, take care of yourself.
Yours Always"
I looked the letter over silently one more time before I folded it back up again and put it back in my pocket.
"I want to know who he is, Mom. Why won't he tell me? Is he afraid I won't like him or something? I can already say that it won't happen. I like him so much already." I sighed. "I just don't understand why he can't just come to me and say 'it's me' or something like that."
I thought about that for a second.
"Now that I broke up with Jake, I wonder if he would do it. Do you think he will?" I took another second to think about it and grinned. "I hope he does."
~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~
Monday morning, I peeked around the corner to make sure the coast was clear. I didn't really expect to see Jake at the bus stop but, since he hadn't stopped calling all weekend, I didn't know for sure. No matter how many times I told him it was over he kept calling, begging me to listen and to give us another chance. It got to the point that I had to shut my phone off to keep from throwing it against the wall.
Feeling safe with Jake's absence, I walked around the corner and sat on the bench to wait for the bus. Alice showed up shortly after I sat down and put her arm around my shoulders. Wanting to be alone, I hadn't seen Alice since Thanksgiving so I knew what her first words were going to be.
"You okay?"
I nodded. "Believe it or not, I am," I said confidently.
She eyed me suspiciously.
"Really, Alice. I'm so done with him this time."
"You're not upset."
"Yeah." I shrugged. "Honestly, though, I've been waiting for it."
"Waiting?" she asked.
"Come on, Alice. If I saw the way he always looked at her, I know you saw it," I said, knowing she watched him closer than I did. "I actually expected him to leave a long time ago." Blowing out a deep breath, I knew it was time to confess. "I never told you but he tried to break up with me over the summer."
She looked shocked. I never told her about it because she would have yelled at me for running after him the way I did.
"It was after your party," I continued quickly so she didn't have a chance to speak. "He was pissed about seeing me with Edward. He accused me of cheating on him," I huffed and rolled my eyes, "with Edward of all people. Like I would ever…"
She cut me off. "Bella, Edward isn't…"
"Don't even start, Alice," I said irritably. "Anyway, we got into this huge fight and he told me it was over. He told me he was done with me. Then he just walked away and left me standing on my porch."
"Seriously? He just left you there." She sounded like she didn't believe me.
"Uh huh." I nodded. "But what did I do? The same thing idiot Bella always does. I ran after him. I stopped him on the corner and practically begged him not to walk away. I told him over and over again that he was the only one I wanted to be with."
I shuddered. I couldn't believe I stooped so low for someone that had been cheating on me the whole time.
"Things were so tense between us for a while but we got through it. I really thought we would be okay this time, but I should have known better. I was so stupid to believe in him again." I stood up and faced her. "But never again, Alice. No matter what he says or does, I'm over it… over him."
"I really hope so. I hate to see you so hurt all the time." She jumped up to hug me.
"I have to be," I said when I backed away from her. She looked puzzled. "I know I'll find someone better… someone who will love me and only me."
I couldn't hold back my grin as I thought of the letters hidden away in my drawer at home.
"I know that grin, Swan." She pointed her finger at me. "You're hiding something," she accused.
I shook my head a little too quickly. "No I'm not."
She narrowed her eyes for a second and I felt my face heat up. I looked down the street and saw the bus coming. When I turned back to Alice, her eyes went wide.
"You already found someone else, didn't you?" she questioned me.
"No!" I said a little too loud.
My protest came a little too quick and I knew she saw right through me when her smile spread across her face. She started jumping up and down, and clapping.
"You did!" she squealed. "Who is it? Do I know him? Is he cute?"
She fired question after question at me as I heard the bus stop behind me and I just shook my head and laughed.
"Let's go to school," I said, ignoring her completely.
I kept my mouth shut all the way to school as she hit me with name after name of who she thought it could be. I wasn't going to say a word, not that I didn't want her to know, but I didn't want to tell her that I'd been keeping his letters from her all this time. She would never forgive me for that.
We stepped off the bus and she was bouncing around me like a little puppy, still trying to get me to talk. I was thankful when I saw the guys standing right inside the doors when we walked into the school. I grabbed Alice's arms and walked up to Jasper.
"I think this," I handed Alice over to him, "is yours."
"Okay." He drew out the word, looking confused.
Jasper kissed her and wrapped an arm around her shoulders. I backed up a few steps.
"I'm going to find out who he is," she said.
"He," Emmett said, looking back and forth between us. "He who?"
"There's nothing to find, Alice." I ignored his question.
"Bella and Jake broke up and…"
"Alice," I growled.
I smacked her in the arm when, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward lift his head. He was the last person I wanted to know about Jacob and me.
"What? You did," she said, rubbing her arm. "Anyway, Bella and Jake broke up and she's already got someone else."
All eyes focused on me and Emmett's big fist nudged my arm.
"Damn, Shorty, you work fast."
Glaring at Alice with my 'I hate you' look, I spoke only to her. "I haven't found anyone, Alice. Now drop it," I ordered.
"C'mon Shorty, don't hold out on us. Is it anyone we know?" Emmett asked and I saw the way he subtly kicked Edward's foot.
I wasn't about to get caught up in this conversation.
"I'm going to class," I said and turned to leave.
As I walked away I heard Emmett speak again.
"You hear that? Time to man up, Edward."
"Seriously, Emmett?" I heard Edward's voice and my footsteps slowed a little. "She just broke up with her boyfriend. Can't you think about how she feels for just a minute?" He sounded angry.
I didn't know what to make of his comment. There was no reason for him to be angry. Then again, there wasn't a reason for him to care about my feelings either. As far as I could tell, a girl's feelings never mattered to Edward.
I picked up my pace, not wanting to hear anymore, but it didn't work.
"You can be a real asshole sometimes," he said, still angry. "Catch you later, Jasper."
Fighting the urge to look back, I practically ran to my locker to get away from them.
~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~
I was, evidently, not as okay as I thought I was because keeping my tears at bay got harder and harder as the day went on. I'd seen Jacob a few times and he looked so sad. He walked through the halls with Sam, Paul and Embry like he did every day but he never really joined in the conversations they were having.
When lunch came, he sat at the table with them but didn't eat anything. He spent his time typing something on his phone, ignoring everything else. I watched as Paul tried to take his phone away and Jacob punched him, taking his phone back and walking away.
I sat in shock when Leah tried to catch him as he walked out of the cafeteria and he pushed her away, yelling, "Get away from me! This is your fault!"
And my heart broke when he turned to look at me. The pain on his face was something I'd never seen in him before. Not once in all the times he'd walked away from me had he ever looked so broken and now – because of me – he did.
I didn't understand what was happening. He was the one who had been cheating on me for the past nine months. He was the one who would talk to Leah on the phone when he wasn't with me. He was the one who had Leah over at his house all the time doing god knows what with her. He wanted this, didn't he?
Then again, he was the one who was at my house on Thanksgiving telling me he only wanted me. He was the one who hadn't stopped calling me all weekend. He was the one who left me more voicemails and text messages than I could count. And he was the one who pushed Leah away telling her to stay away from him.
I needed to talk to him. What if he meant what he said? What if he really did want me and not her this time? What if…?
"Bella."
A quiet voice snapped me back to the present. I looked around, shocked to find myself between a set of bookshelves. I was so lost in thought that I must have been on autopilot when I went to meet my debate team in the library after lunch.
"Bella." A hand touched my shoulder, making me jump.
"Edward," I said his name as I backed into the shelf.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you." He pulled his hand back.
"I'm fine," I snapped at him.
His face fell, his eyes found the floor and I instantly felt bad when he turned to leave.
"I'm sorry." I rushed the words out before he could leave. "I didn't mean… I just… I…" I couldn't form a single sentence.
The weight of everything with Jacob hit me all over again and I turned the opposite way to leave before the tears I'd been trying to hold back all day finally fell.
"Bella wait." Edward's hand on my arm stopped me. "Are you okay?"
I shook my head, wiping my eyes. I felt him come closer.
"Can I help?" His other hand grasped my shoulder.
"No." I took a step away. "I have to go."
His fingers tightened slightly and I froze.
"Don't." His voice dropped to a whisper, sounding unsure. "Please let me help."
When I heard the words, my mind took me back to my birthday over a year ago. He was there for me then and he was asking to be there for me now. Without thought, I spun, wrapped my arms around his waist and cried into his chest.
He slowly put his arms around me but when he did, he held me tight.
"I'm so sorry, Bella," was all he said, but it was enough.
Neither one of us spoke. Edward moved one hand to run through my hair as he rested his chin on the top of my head.
My tears finally stopped and I pulled away from him. His hands slid down my arms to grab both of mine. I looked up into his eyes and, again, this reminded me so much of the last time I stood with him like this.
"Bella," he seemed hesitant to say anything. "I'm here for you." He swallowed hard. "I mean…if you want someone to talk to. I'm here."
Everything about him – his face, his eyes and his words – seemed so sincere. I was torn, seeing both the boy I remembered and the guy I've grown to hate.
"Edward, I…" I didn't know what to say.
Every thought passing through my head told me to get as far away from him as possible before he could hurt me too. But there was a small piece of my heart that kept me frozen in place, begging me to see him as the sweet person Alice tried to tell me he was.
"Hey Bella, where did you…?"
Rose's interruption startled me and I ripped my hands away from Edward's. That strange closeness that we always shared shattered.
"Oh shit! I'm sorry," she said.
The moment was over and my mind took over again.
"I gotta go." I turned and ran.
I found myself in the bathroom again, locked in a stall with my knees pulled into my chest. I was so confused. Seeing Jacob's face throughout day hurt me and it made me doubt my decision to walk away. But, I realized I'd made the right decision as I thought about everything again while I cried in Edward's arms.
That was another problem. Why would Edward care anyway? I thought again about his words from this morning. He'd gotten angry with his own brother because he thought he was being insensitive to my feelings, which seemed odd to me since it was impossible for Edward not to know that I hated him. I'd said it enough to him and everyone else in the past year.
But he went out of his way to check on me, asking if I was okay. He offered me help and gave me a shoulder to cry on when I needed it, just like he did the first time we met. Being with him like that again, I didn't feel any of that hatred towards him. Having my arms around him and getting caught in his eyes again, I felt like I did the night of Alice's party when I wanted nothing more than to kiss him.
And that was what had me so confused. How could I feel that way knowing that his attitude and behavior made me want to hurt him every time I laid eyes on him? Why was I seriously considering his offer to talk about Jacob when I knew he had his own agenda? Why would I even think about letting Edward into any part of my life, knowing that I was just another name on his list?
The bell rang, leaving me with that last thought. I left my hiding place feeling even more confused than before. There were things I really needed to think about, but now wasn't the time. I rushed off to class, deciding to put everything out of my head until I had time to really think about it.
~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~
After dinner, I went to my room to work on more research for my debate next week. I wanted to check my email first, though, and found the reason for Jacob's constant typing at lunch sitting in my inbox. Staring at the screen, I debated whether I should open it or not. Not in the mood to cry right now, I decided to leave it for later.
I worked for hours looking up various societal explanations for why sex before marriage was a good thing. I hated this and still couldn't believe Rosalie and I got saddled with this ridiculous topic. If the topic itself wasn't bad enough, we were stuck arguing our point against Angela and Edward.
It was laughable, really. Edward Cullen making an argument against sex before marriage. At fifteen, the guy has already had sex with more girls than some adults I know. How could he possibly give a convincing argument when the practice would be so foreign to him?
My work was interrupted when I heard the front door slam shut. I heard my dad grumbling downstairs and looked at the clock – eleven fifteen. He'd only left for work four hours ago so there should be no reason he was home already.
Maybe he got sick or something.
Just as I walked out of my bedroom to go check on him, I heard something shatter in the kitchen. I ran down the stairs as fast as possible and found him standing at the kitchen table with a glass in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
Other than a beer or two a night, I hadn't seen my dad drink since the night my mom died. I ran to Alice's house that night, scared because he was yelling and breaking things around the house. When he came to find me the next day, I refused to go home because I didn't want to see him like that again. He promised me – from that day on – he would never drink again.
Something was really wrong if he broke his promise.
I peeked around the corner. "Dad," I said quietly.
"Bella!" He looked between me and the bottle in front of him. "What are you…?"
"Are you okay?" I asked, interrupting him.
He pushed the bottle away from him and moved to stand by the window. With his back to me, he tried to claim that nothing was wrong.
"Don't lie to me, Dad," I said with more force.
He always hid things from me when he thought I was too young to handle something. I'd been through a lot working at the newspaper and I didn't think that excuse was good enough anymore, especially if whatever the problem was made him start drinking again.
"I said it's nothing," he said in a harsh voice.
"You drink whiskey for nothing," I snapped at him.
"Get to bed, Bella. It's late," he said, trying to get rid of me.
"Not until you tell me what's wrong."
"Go to bed." He raised his voice.
"No!" I yelled as I stepped up to the table.
"Damn it, kid, don't make me tell you again!" he hollered as his fist hit the wall.
I flinched. My dad hadn't spoken to me like that in years. Without realizing I had picked it up, the glass he had been drinking out of flew across the kitchen and shattered against the wall. He spun around so quick that he lost his balance a little and stumbled back into the window.
"I'm not going anywhere!" I screamed. "Not until you explain this." I picked up the bottle and shook it.
"I am your father!" He stomped toward me, ripping the bottle from my hand and slamming it back on the table. "You do not get to question me!" His loud voice echoed through the kitchen.
"My father made me a promise and my father would never break his promises," I screamed and swept the whiskey bottle off the table as hard as I could. "I don't know who you are, Charlie!"
My cheek felt like it exploded and I saw his eyes widen just as my eyes blurred with tears when we both realized what he'd done. I was already halfway up the stairs when I heard him say he was sorry and start coming after me.
My cheek throbbed and I cried as I leaned against my locked bedroom door. My dad had never hit me before and I was shaking just thinking about it. When the pounding started, I jumped away from the door.
"Go away and leave me alone!" I shrieked.
"Open the door, please. I'm so sorry."
He pounded on the door while twisting the doorknob, trying to get in.
"Go away!" I screamed as I lowered myself to dangle from my open window.
My fingers let go and I fell when I hit the ground but I got up fast and took off running. It wouldn't take him long to figure out I was gone and I needed time. So I went to the last place he would think to look for me.
My lungs hurt when I finally stopped to catch my breath. It was dark inside but I knocked on the window anyway. I got nothing so I knocked again. A few seconds later, the window slid open.
"Bella. What are you…?"
"Let me in, Jake, please," I begged.
He reached his hands out to me and pulled me up until my knee found the windowsill. Using his shoulders to brace myself, I lifted my leg high enough to step on the edge of the window. From that position, I pushed myself forward, practically jumping into his arms.
"God, honey, you're freezing."
He held me for a second before sitting me in his lap as he sat on the bed. He pulled his blanket around us and held on to me while running his hand up and down my arm, trying to warm me quicker.
I hugged him with as much strength as I had, but cried out in pain when I rested my cheek on his shoulder. Jake pulled back quickly and I covered my cheek and my mouth, hoping Billy hadn't heard me.
Jake shifted quickly and a dull light lit up the space around his bed. He looked upset as he pulled my hands from my face. His forehead creased as he studied my face.
"Your cheek is bruised," he whispered as he kissed my cheek. "Talk to me, honey. Tell me what happened."
I started to cry again as I told him about the fight with my dad, the pain I felt when he slapped me and why I ran away.
"I'm sorry, Bella," he said hugging me while being extra careful not to hurt me again.
He shifted again, sat me on the bed next to him and moved to his door.
"Where are you going?" I asked, slightly panicked.
"To get you some ice."
I jumped up and grabbed his arm.
"No! Your dad will tell him I'm here."
"Dad's sleeping." He shrugged. "Wait here."
Jake slipped out the door and I sat back on the bed, wrapping back up in his blanket. It only took a few minutes before his door opened and he came back in carrying a bag of ice, a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin.
I smiled. No matter what Jake and I ever went through, he always knew what I needed without me asking. My head really was pounding so I thanked him for taking care of me when he handed me two pills and the water.
"How do you always know?" I asked when he kneeled down in front of me, wrapping the bag of ice in a towel.
Even with his head down, I saw his cheeks lift a little with his smile.
"We've known each other forever, Bella." He looked up and I saw so much emotion in his eyes. "And because I love you."
Without taking his eyes from mine, he lifted the bag and touched it to my face. I winced but I didn't know if it was from his words or the chill of the bag on my cheek.
"Don't," I whispered.
"I mean it, Bella. I…"
I put my fingers on his lips to stop him. I decided earlier that we needed to talk but I wasn't ready for it yet.
"Jake," I shook my head, "I can't. Not tonight."
"I know and I'm sorry." His face fell and his eyes turned pleading. "It's just that I've missed you so much. I can't stop thinking about you. I can't sleep. I know how much I hurt you, Bella, and I swear to you, if you give me another chance I would never…"
"Jake," I pulled his hand away from my cheek, "I love you. I always have."
He smiled and leaned in a little to kiss me but I leaned back, placing a hand on his shoulder to stop him.
"But I can't do this anymore," I said and he sat back again. "Nine months, Jacob."
I said the words like they should have explained everything, but he sat in front of me looking lost, so I continued.
"You may not have wanted me before and I hated it. I hated that you always chose her over me. But this time was different. Don't you see that?"
He didn't answer, so I kept talking.
"We were together, Jake…really together for more than a year. Then you tell me you've been cheating on me for nine of the thirteen months we were together. And now you want me to come back to you because you throw a few 'I love you's' at me?"
"I'm sorry, honey." The towel with the ice was back on my cheek. "I never wanted to hurt you but I promise you, Bella, that it's just you and me from now on."
He tried to kiss me again and, again, I had to push him away.
"Stop. We can't do this anymore." I pushed the ice away again, placing my hands on his cheeks. "Jake, you don't love me. You and I both know it."
"But, I do, Bella," he protested.
He dropped the ice and grabbed my hands, holding them between us.
I shook my head. "You don't, Jake, not the way a boyfriend should."
I wanted to cut my tongue out for the next sentence I was about to speak.
"You're in love with Leah and as much as I hate to admit it to myself, you always will be."
Surprising myself completely, I was actually calm while talking about this. I wouldn't say it didn't hurt to tell him what I was feeling, but I'd cried so much over him in the past six days that I didn't have any tears left for him.
"We've been friends since we were little kids, Jake." I swallowed and squeezed his hands. "We have to go back to that. It hurts too much to keep trying for more."
Before I expected it, he kissed me. I lost myself in the moment, tangling my fingers in his hair and holding him to me. Too soon after it started, Jake pulled away, resting his forehead against mine with his eyes closed.
"I never wanted to hurt you," he whispered.
"I know," I whispered back. Backing away to look him in the eye, I held a hand to his cheek, asking, "Friends?"
"Best friends." He gave me a sad smile and kissed the tip of my nose.
My giggle turned into a yawn as the night finally caught up with me. Jake laughed.
"Come on, honey. Let's get some sleep."
We both crawled under the blankets and Jake held me against his chest while I fell asleep.
Bella is finally letting Jake go and her secret admirer gets all the credit. If he wasn't so wonderful and sweet she wouldn't even be thinking about another guy. What is she going to do when she finds out who he is?
Thanks for sticking with me and remember, leave me a little something to tell me what you think. Until next time, my loves …much love to you - D
