A/N: Before we get into the last full chapter here, I'd like to take a second to ask you to send good vibes to Cris(the author of Wisp). She's landed in the hospital this Thanksgiving weekend. She'll be okay, she just needs the good juju to recover faster.
The four weeks after an eager reporter surprised Bella were probably the worst in the year Edward had watched Bella suffer. All of the torment she'd been through had been horrible, of course, but a struggle was to be expected. Not that it made it easy to watch, experience along with her.
But those four weeks were far and away the most frustrating.
It was just that she'd worked so hard, come so far. Despite stumbling here and there, she was putting together what would one day be a very happy, very fulfilled life.
Setbacks were part of the process, this Edward knew, but watching her fall from that height, watching her regress to a dark place where he couldn't reach her, was one of the most frustrating, horrifying, frightening experiences of his life. Long days and nights when she pushed him away - pushed everyone away - he worried endlessly. Her words from back when he would talk to her on the phone all night just so she wouldn't feel alone played over in his head like a reckoning.
"Sometimes I don't know if I want it... Life."
"I'm so tired. I'm so fucking tired."
In his head, he was remembering all the faceless, nameless people he'd spoken to when he was working the rape crisis lines. What she was feeling wasn't something he would ever be able to truly comprehend, he knew. It was a pain, an ugliness, that was trapped inside her. There were any number of unhealthy ways she could have dealt with it.
Cutting - writing the pain she felt on the inside visible on her skin. Drugs or alcohol - obliterating the pain by destroying her ability to think at all.
Suicide - killing the pain, killing everything.
He'd been so terrified for her, it was all he could do not to stand his ground when she asked him to leave. He almost insisted, almost took away her choice.
But in the end, he couldn't do it. He also knew well enough that it was impossible to help someone who didn't want his help.
What could he do but wait? He kept coming over, kept calling, kept walking away when she asked him to leave.
He missed her. He missed his friend - the woman who had been his constant companion these last few months, helping him lay the groundwork for his new business, talking about Game of Thrones, musing about life, the universe, and everything.
He missed the woman he loved - her sweet kisses and hesitant, but oh so tender, touch, the way her body felt tucked against his.
He missed her smile, her laugh - the soft and subtle signs she was, step by step, moving toward happiness, lightness.
To lose all of that, to watch it crumble and fall away while he was helpless to stop it, was maddening.
"We can't fight their battles for them," Carlisle told him one day, his eyes on his wife and a sympathetic hand on Edward's shoulder. "We're two mere mortals surrounded by three of the strongest people I've ever met - your mother, your sister, your Bella," he mused. "They're all stronger than you and I could ever be."
Edward was silent at this, agreeing wholeheartedly. "I want to be enough for her," he'd admitted to his father.
"She'll come back."
They both knew it wasn't a guarantee.
So when Bella did call, after he'd recovered from his heart attack and finding her out on the street and slightly incoherent, his relief was palpable. When she crawled into his lap and told him she was ready to live again, the piercing grip around his heart was brought back to a tolerable state.
Best of all, Bella asked him to stay.
He did. He hardly left her side for a week and a half as she fought off the remainder of her crippling depression and paranoia.
This time, she won.
She'd chosen her reward for her hard work. Tattoos held a special importance to her, just as they did for him. Edward was as determined as she was - she was going to get that tattoo.
That was the idea in his head when he suggested a walk. Bella was agreeable. She kept one hand tight in his, one hand wrapped up in Jake's leash as they walked down the street. Every little while, she squeezed his hand or pressed herself more firmly to his side in response to someone getting too close.
For the most part though, Bella was calm. She even glanced up at him when they stopped to wait for a traffic signal, smiling at something he'd said.
If he thought it would go over well, he would have kissed her just then.
Being good, he kept on walking, stopping only when they got to the tattoo parlour. He tapped the glass over the drawing of the tattoo she'd wanted before.
Bella looked at him a little wide eyed.
"We have an appointment, if you're up to keeping it," he said.
"I didn't even remember how to get here," she murmured, brushing her fingers along the glass.
"It's up to you," Edward said gently.
"But what about Jake?"
"As it turns out, mutts are welcome here." He pointed through the window where another dog - an adorable puppy - was bouncing happily around the shop. "So Jake can come in. And if you're up for it, the one who'll be doing your ink is Leah." He pointed again to a severe looking young woman with full arm tatts.
Bella tilted her head, her smile fond. "You're a sneaky son of a bitch."
He grinned back at her, brushing his hand down her cheek. "Your call."
She looked at the tattoo and back at him, pressing her lips into a thin line. Her breath was somewhat labored, her voice thin when she spoke. "You'll stay with me?"
"Of course," he promised, squeezing her hand.
Whining, Jake wound himself about her legs.
Bella took a deep breath. "Okay," she said, nodding.
Edward could feel her trembling. "Don't push yourself, Bella. We can come back."
"No. I want to. Really." She nodded again, swallowing hard as she looked inside. "Will you... um. Do you think you can tell them to give me some space?" Her eyes strayed to the group of men - buff guys, slightly scary looking.
"Of course." He took a step forward, but she stood still.
"I'll wait here." Her tone was anxious.
Edward hesitated, looking her over.
"I'm okay," she promised. "Just... I want to do this. I really want this. I need you to tell them. Please."
He wasn't going to deny her. Squeezing her hand one more time, he let go and moved for the door.
Leah, who'd been watching them out of the corner of her eye, met Edward as he came in. "Someone hurt her real bad, didn't they?" she asked, surreptitiously letting her gaze wander to where Bella lingered in the entryway. She looked at Edward and nodded. "You don't have to say it. I can see it. I wondered why you asked so many damn questions when you were in here yesterday. I just thought your girl had to be a persnickety little bitch."
Edward bristled but she held up her hands in a peacemaking gesture. "I get it now. So what do you need from me?"
Taking a deep breath to dispel his remaining irritation, Edward looked over at the others. "They seem friendly."
"I'll tell them to back off." She raised an eyebrow. "Anything else?"
"Just... use a light hand, okay?"
Leah agreed and went to talk to the others, and Edward returned to Bella's side.
She looked somewhat chagrined. "I'm a pain in the ass."
"You're fine." He cupped her cheek. "It's okay to ask for what you need," he reminded her. It was something Zafrina had told her, something she repeated when she thought she was being unreasonable.
Touching his hand with hers, Bella nodded that she understood.
As soon as they entered the little shop, the little puppy who'd been restrained in the arms of one of the guys in the shop got loose. He loped over toward them, yipping as he came. Jake barked right back at him.
"Seth!" The owner of the place - a man who'd introduced himself as Sam when Edward came around asking questions - came after the little dog.
Beside him, Bella tensed, holding onto him tightly. Instinctively, Edward moved so he was slightly in front of her, his stance protective.
Taking in the way they looked, Sam stopped short. He gave them both a friendly smile. "Sorry. Seth is just rambunctious."
Edward watched as Bella peered down to where Seth and Jake were doing the sniffing dance around each other. Their tails were wagging. She squatted down, offering Seth the back of her hand. He sniffed and then licked her. Bella giggled, petting him.
"You can let your dog off the leash. We'll look after him," Sam offered, keeping his distance.
Looking up, Bella nodded, unclipping Jake's leash from his collar as she did.
Seth bounded away, stopped, and barked at Jake.
With a little whimper, Jake looked between his girl and Seth, comically unsure of which way to go.
"Go on, mutt. I got her," Edward said, nudging the dog away with his toe.
Jake tilted his head at Edward but seemed amenable as, in the next second, he leaped after little Seth. Soon they were tumbling around the shop to the amusement of the others.
Sam moved away and Leah moved forward, offering her hand to Bella as she stood. "I'm Leah Clearwater."
Bella took her hand but rather than shake it, she pulled Leah's arm toward her, brushing the tips of her fingers over the ink that covered the young woman's arm. Leah looked at her, one eyebrow arched in vague bemusement, and Bella blushed, letting her go. "I'm sorry. It's just... They're really good."
By then, Edward was used to Bella's slightly spastic, not quite polite behavior. He understood her headspace was a little chaotic, often making her movements - like grabbing a stranger's arm - impulsive.
Leah took it in stride though. "Thanks." She folded her arms across her chest, the move not defensive but seeming natural for her. "So what are you in for?"
Edward watched Bella carefully, waiting for a cue. He'd speak for her if she needed it.
But she didn't. She took a deep breath and looked Leah in the eye when she spoke. "The sun in the window. The one with the words."
"Carry on," Leah nodded.
"Yeah," Bella said. Edward wondered if she knew she was squeezing his hand spasmodically. "I love it. The tribal look... It's just perfect." Letting go of his hand, Bella's expression was self-conscious, but she pressed on, pulling her sleeve up to show Leah her wrist. "I want it here." She touched the unmarred skin beneath the jagged scar left by Mike's rope.
Edward held his breath, knowing how difficult it was for Bella to show Leah that scar. His shoulders were tense, waiting to snap should Leah call attention to the old wound.
She didn't. "You're all bone," she mused instead. "It's going to sting."
Bella shrunk back a little, and Edward put his hand on her arm, rubbing comfortingly. "I know." Her tone was a little shaky, but she rallied. "I have one on my foot. It hurt like hell."
"Okay. You can have any words you want-"
"I like 'carry on'," Bella interrupted. "I want it exactly like the one in the window. Please."
Leah grinned. "Well okay then." She patted her chair. "You have an undershirt on?"
Bella looked a little green, but she bobbed her head in acknowledgment. Her fingers shook as she tried to unzip her jacket.
Batting her hands away, Edward unzipped her jacket for her, helping her slide it off. He stroked his thumb over her lips, smiling at her as she took calming breaths. "You got this." Reaching into his own pocket, he pulled out a pill bottle - her anti-anxiety meds. He looked at her questioningly.
Grimacing, she nodded, reluctant but knowing they would help. Edward shook two pills out and handed them to her along with a squat water bottle he had tucked in his other pocket. She gave him a look. "What else do you have in there, Mary Poppins?"
Before he could answer, she pushed up onto her tiptoes, kissing him soundly. "Thank you," she said against his lips.
Ducking his head, he brushed her cheek with his before he let her go.
Even after she took her pills, it took Bella a full five minutes before she summoned enough courage to pull her long sleeved shirt off. She was still wearing a short sleeved shirt beneath it, but it was obvious from her expression that she felt exposed. Her gaze was furtive, darting around at the others in the shop.
Edward took her hand, running his fingers over her tense knuckles. He sat in the chair to her left as Leah set up on her right.
"Ready?" Leah asked.
Bella blew a long breath out and shook her head that she was ready. Her eyes were closed, her left hand was wrapped around his, holding on for dear life.
The tension in the air as Leah touched the needle to Bella's skin was palpable. Edward's heart was racing. Bella's grip was tight. But when she exhaled again and stayed calm, they all breathed easier.
Leah seemed content to concentrate on her work and didn't try to engage either of them in conversation.
Edward kept his eyes on Bella, watching her minute facial expressions. For the longest time, she didn't move much except for the occasional twitch of her cheek, the purse of her lips as she breathed steadily.
When she did open her eyes, her look was stormy. Edward wasn't sure how to read it. There was uncertainty there but also something else.
Her eyes met his, sending a jolt down Edward's spine. The air around them was suddenly warm. He shifted, squeezing her hand, thinking how beautiful she looked just then.
He shook his head as more amorous thoughts began to get the better of him. "Bella?" he asked, deciding to put words to an idea in his head.
Her eyes darted down to his lips before they met his gaze again. "Mm?" she hummed.
"Would it bother you if I wanted the same tattoo?" he murmured.
Tilting her head to the side, her look was confused, soft, and then pleased. "You really want it?"
"Yes." He did like the design - the sun containing the words 'Carry on'. He understood why she wanted it on her wrist - where she could see it every day, where it would remind her that the sun would still come up. Taking her hand, he pressed it to his chest above his heart. "I want it here, though. And I want the words in your handwriting."
Her eyes were shining as she looked back at him. A smile crept up her cheeks. "I'd really like that," she whispered.
"I have time to do you today, if you want," Leah said, making Edward jump. He'd forgotten everyone else was there to be entirely honest.
He looked at Bella who grinned at him. "I'll hold your hand," she promised.
~0~
They were both silent as they walked home, hand in hand.
Surrounded as they were by people, Bella probably should have been anxious. Instead, she was floating in a very surreal headspace, a somewhat distorted version of reality.
Getting her tattoo had been... confusing.
The pain of getting inked - the constant sting of the needle - was a turn on to some. For most, marking their body in such a permanent way was special. The pain released endorphins. Not that it was a sexual experience, but it piqued a certain mood.
Mostly, Bella had gone in hoping the pain didn't set off her psyche. This woman would be hurting her. Bella's conscious mind was aware that was what she wanted, but her subconscious was a whole other story.
When she hadn't panicked, Bella was pleased.
When she began to feel the first stirrings of arousal, Bella was uncertain.
She'd opened her eyes to find Edward looking at her, and her body tightened, coiled.
Ached.
Watching him watch her get inked was...
Erotic.
Her blood felt alive with electricity, her skin, her every nerve ending, aware. The emotion only intensified along with the sting of the needle.
It was very muddling. It wasn't entirely comfortable - having this kind of reaction when the last time someone had hurt her...
But then, the mood didn't dissipate when it was Edward's turn. She'd held his hand, watching his face as Leah put needle to skin. He had to keep his breathing steady, had to be as still as possible, but his every movement showed in his face. His mouth fell open as he breathed through the pain, adjusting. His cheek twitched. The skin around his eyes tightened and relaxed.
When his eyes found hers, it was one of the more visceral experiences of her life. She could feel the thrill, the steady pressure the needle brought as though it were running through her own veins again. It was one of the purest pleasure's she'd ever known - watching her handwriting appear on his skin, knowing this tattoo was hers.
And for her, now that it was done, now that she'd gone through with it, there was a blinding satisfaction, a restored piece of her soul. She'd taken this much back.
Not only had she won, but she'd shared this experience with a man who truly understood what love was, a man who loved her.
Obviously, they were being far from subtle, because Leah had snickered, giving them a knowing look after she went through the usual how to care for your new tattoo spiel. "Try not to be too aggressive when you get back home, kids," she warned. "The ink is fresh."
Edward had looked over at Bella to see if she would be upset by the words. Surprisingly enough, Bella wasn't. She'd blushed, but the corners of her mouth had tugged up involuntarily.
Now they walked home together, quiet but somehow still communicating. It was probably good that Jake knew the way home; Bella was distracted. Logically, she knew the weather was chilly, but she felt hot in her jacket. Edward kept glancing at her, and they moved their fingers along each others, caressing as they walked.
She knew they were on the same page.
When they were finally in her apartment, she turned, letting go of Jake's leash so she could wrap her arms around Edward's neck. He tilted his head down, catching her lips in a fervent kiss.
He was holding back; she could tell. He always did.
Well, tonight, she wasn't going to hold back.
Bella pushed him backward until Edward fell down on the couch. She straddled him quickly, before she could lose the momentum, the high she was riding. Resting her hands on his shoulders, she pulled back to look at him. "I want you."
Though nerves twisted her stomach sickeningly, those words were surprisingly easy to say. It wasn't about another victory, exerting control over her own body. It was only about the deep love, the absolute passion she felt for this beautiful man. After sharing the experience of their tattoos, she wanted to express what she felt for him physically.
Edward's expression was tender as he reached up, drawing the back of his knuckles down her cheek. "Tell me what you need."
Bella felt a flicker of irritation. Instinctively, she knew slow was a bad idea. Right then, the adrenaline from her win was feeding her courage. It wouldn't take much for the desire she felt to be overcome by the terror that existed like a stone in her belly.
"Take your shirt off," she said breathlessly, standing.
Her eyes were closed, her breath stuttering as she slipped out of her pants and underwear, keeping her shirt on. With her sense of sight cut off, she heard Edward's quick intake of breath clearly, felt his gaze on her.
Before she could dwell, she came forward, her hands out. "Don't touch me yet," she whispered, finding his face as she straddled him again. His face cradled in her hands, she kissed him again, sliding her tongue over his lips.
He kissed her back, making tiny, wonderful little moaning noises as he did. She could tell from the tension in his shoulders how difficult it was for him to keep his hands to himself. He did it though, for her.
How much she loved this sweet, patient, caring man.
Snaking her hands between them, she undid the button of his jeans and unzipped him. When she tugged, he lifted his hips, helping her slide his jeans and boxers down.
She still hadn't opened her eyes.
She could feel him hard and ready, lined up with her body. "Talk to me," she begged, her voice thin. Her heart was pounding, terror threatening to burst free.
"You are the most beautiful, incredible person I've ever known," he murmured, his voice a vibration against her cheek. "I love you. So much."
As he spoke, Bella gained control of herself again. She moved her hand over his length, listening to the stutter in his tone when she began to stroke him. She couldn't imagine what it was taking for him not to move, not to touch her.
What he was doing for her - giving over control of his body so she could feel in control of hers - was so beautiful, for a long second, Bella thought for sure she was going to cry. He was working so hard to help her overwrite the damage another man had caused, taking what he wanted without caring what Bella wanted or needed.
Bella pushed those thoughts away, concentrating instead on understanding, accepting, the kind of love, the absolute goodness that existed. Edward embodied that - all that was unselfish and pure and right with the world.
Kissing him, she lifted herself, resting her forehead against his as she accepted him into her body. "Hold me." Her voice was almost non existent.
Instantly, his arms were around her, one hand on her head, his arm warm on her back, the other around her waist. "I love you," he said over and over again against her ear.
Listening to his voice, she was able to anchor herself, convince her wounded psyche that this was not an invasion but an expression. She loved him. He loved her. There was nothing more right in the world than this.
Finally opening her eyes, she found his gaze on her - soft yet intense. So full of adoration. Reverence.
Slowly, she began to rock, accepting him deeper into her body.
His mouth was open, his breath coming out in puffs she could feel on her face. Bella began to run her fingers, shaking though they were, over his chest, pausing with her fingertips on the bandage. Remembering the look in his eyes, the feel in the air at the tattoo parlour stoked the lust in her. Bella rolled her hips, her back arching with pleasure at the feel. Edward moaned.
Bella supposed she could have been bitter. It was far from perfect as first times went. Pleasure, sexual pleasure, wasn't so comfortable for her. But really, her frustration was secondary to the knowledge that settled into the marrow of her bones as her body moved with Edward's.
He did love her - she felt it with his every caress, his breathy voice in her ear. He loved her, and while she might never understand why, this was her not only giving her love but accepting his.
It was a victory - all the sweeter because it wasn't only her winning, it was them conquering her demons together.
Afterward, Bella stayed for a long time on his lap, her head on his shoulder. They were sticky, but she didn't care. She didn't want to move, didn't think she would ever get tired of his hands on her back, his chest rising and falling beneath her.
For the first time possibly in her life, Bella felt tranquil in the idea she could have the things she dreamed about.
"I still want to go skydiving," she mumbled sleepily in his ear. She shook with Edward's laughter.
He cupped her cheek, stroking her hair away from her eyes as he gazed at her with complete devotion. "Anything, Bella."
Smiling, she kissed his lips.
She was alive. And she was happy.
A/N: Before you can ask, Bella was on birth control. Neener.
I'll save the mush for the epilogue.
Thoughts?
