Just as Dr. Gravis had expected, Nick remained quiet that night and the next morning. It was almost dinner time when Nick found himself lingering outside the door to his room. Slowly, he opened the door and stood there, looking in. He stared at his bed, neatly made as it had been for months. Nick felt a panic rising in him the longer he stood there, but he pushed it down. He wavered for a moment, then came to a decision. He ran into the room, took a flying leap, and landed with a bounce in the middle of the bed.
Nick opened his eyes and let out a breath without realizing he had been holding it. He stared up at the ceiling. The world had not ended, the sky had not come crashing down on him, nothing had happened at all. He felt no different. Nick grinned and sat up. He bounced on his bottom a little, smiling wider. Then he scrambled to his feet and was soon jumping up and down on the bed, laughing.
John, attracted by the noise, appeared in the doorway. He stared open mouthed at his laughed, bouncing son for several minutes before he found his voice. "Nicholas Johnathan Stokes! What on earth do you think you are doing?"
Nick, startled by his father's voice, bounced too high and hit his head on the ceiling, landing in the middle of the bed in a heap. Gasping for breath, he sat up and looked at his dad.
"You know better than to jump on the bed," John said automatically.
Nick sucked in a breath and tried to stop grinning. "Sorry dad."
John stared at Nick as the full weight of the scene in front of him hit him. "Nick..."
The smile finally slid from Nick's face, and he looked steadily at his dad, silently pleading.
"Um... it's time for dinner," John finally said.
"Ok," Nick said, grinning again and sliding off the bed.
John stood in the doorway as Nick approached, still harboring a sense of disbelief. Nick stopped in front of him and looked up, clearly trying to gauge if he was in trouble. John shook his head and squeezed Nick's shoulder, unable to keep from chuckling himself. "What am I going to do with you kiddo?"
Nick grinned. "Give me away," he said, giving his standard answer to the rhetorical question before bounding down the hallway.
"Not for the world kiddo, not for the world," John said softly.
"Nick, today we're going to do something a little different."
Nick scowled at the news and drew himself up tighter in the chair. Those words never signaled anything good.
Dr. Gravis continued, not at all surprised by Nick's reaction. "I don't know if your dad talked to you about it, but we only have a few more weeks together."
Nick looked up in surprise, not sure how he felt about the news. From the beginning he had objected to going to see Dr. Gravis. He had never enjoyed it exactly. Yet at hearing that it would soon be over, Nick was surprised to find himself feeling something close to sadness. He was of course also relieved. His afternoons would be free again and he wouldn't have to worry about making excuses to his friends. Also, he wouldn't have to think about... that. "So... I'm all better?"
Dr. Gravis smiled at the oft repeated question. "What do you think? Do you feel all better?"
Nick looked down and shrugged. "That guy... he said you don't really get better, right?"
"That's not exactly what he said. He said the hurt might not ever go completely away, but it gets better."
Nick nodded, but made no move to attempt to answer the original question.
Dr. Gravis went to his desk and came back over with a notebook, pen, and a large manila envelope. Nick looked up at him curiously. "Nick, I know you've had a hard time talking about what happened. I thought it might be easier for you to write about it." Dr. Gravis watched as Nick wrapped his arms around his legs and rested his chin on his knees. "So, I want you to write everything you can remember about that night in this notebook."
"I don't want to," Nick said petulantly.
"I'm asking you to try, Nick. I really think it will help you."
Nick sat for a moment, considering. "Are you going to read it?"
"Not unless you want me to. When you're finished writing, we're going to put it in this envelop and seal it up. Unless you tell me I can read it, in which case I will seal it afterwards."
"You won't show it to anyone else?"
"No. This is for you, to help you. No one else needs to even know about it."
"What's gonna happen to it after it's in the envelope?"
"Again, that's up to you. You can take it with you, or I can keep it here for you, in your file. You can decide when you're done."
Nick nodded slowly.
"Try Nick. That's all I'm asking. Try. I'm going to leave you alone for a few minutes, to let you get started." Dr. Gravis put the notebook, pen, and envelope on the the table, then turned and walked back to his desk.
Nick sat staring at the items on the table. He made no move to pick them up. He made no move at all, except to turn his head to look at Dr. Gravis, who was now sitting behind his desk, not looking up. Eventually, Nick unfolded and sat up. After another minute, he reached forward and picked up the notebook. He flipped through, briefly savoring the smell of new paper and the fresh clean look of the blank pages. Then, remembering what he was supposed to be doing with the notebook, he made a face and tossed the notebook back on the table.
"I'll be right back, Nick." Nick looked up to see Dr. Gravis standing by the door. Nick cautiously nodded, and Dr. Gravis left, closing the door behind him. Nick stared at the closed door, wondering what Dr. Gravis was up to. When it became clear that Dr. Gravis wasn't coming immediately back, Nick turned back to the table. He picked up the pen with a small smile. In school they still used pencils. His teacher said they couldn't use pens until fifth grade, when, hopefully, their writing became more legible. His teacher was big on penmanship.
Ten minutes later, when Dr. Gravis walked in, Nick was sitting on the couch, notebook in his lap, doodling on the inside cover. He walked over and sat down across from Nick. "No luck?" he asked.
Nick started, and quickly closed the notebook.
Dr. Gravis laughed. "It's ok, Nick. Why don't you try writing something easier, like about your day at school. Then you can get used to writing and ease into the harder topics."
"Ok," Nick agreed warily. Dr. Gravis went back to his desk and Nick hesitantly started to write. By the time the session was over, Nick had almost a full page about his day, but was no closer to writing about the real topic. The same was true about the next few sessions. Nick wrote about innocuous topics that Dr. Gravis dictated, while Dr. Gravis either sat quietly nearby, or at his desk, or occasionally left the room.
On their last day, Nick took his notebook and pen as usual, and waited for his topic. He had almost convinced himself that he had forgotten the real point to his writing, when Dr. Gravis spoke. "I want you to write about that night, Nick." Dr. Gravis noted Nick's panic stricken look and added, "Why don't you start about that day at school, or when you got home from school. Write about what you remember starting from there. This is our last day together Nick, and I really want you to be able to do this. To show me that you're going to be ok."
Nick smiled at that. "I'll try," he said, more serious.
"Good."
Slowly at first, haltingly, Nick began to write. Dr. Gravis watched Nick from his desk. He saw Nick begin to get into the flow of writing, becoming more and more absorbed into the task. He got up and walked to the door. Nick didn't stop writing or even look up as Dr. Gravis left the room. Dr. Gravis went in and out of the room three times in the following 45 minutes, and Nick continued to write. Dr. Gravis left again to talk to John and postpone his next session, then came back in to sit at his desk and watch Nick.
Dr. Gravis was still watching Nick half an hour later, when Nick looked up, blinking, and took a deep breath, with the expression of a diver surfacing from the water. "All done?" Dr. Gravis asked softly, coming around to squat down next to Nick. Nick slowly turned to look at him with a slightly unfocused gaze.
"Huh?"
"Are you finished writing?"
Nick nodded slowly, and closed the notebook.
"Do you want to seal it up, or would you like me to read it?"
Nick thought for a moment. "You can read it, but not until later, ok? Not 'til after I'm gone."
"Ok, Nick. Let's put it in the envelope for now, and I'll seal it up after I read it."
Nick slipped to notebook into the envelope and watch as Dr. Gravis closed it and put it on his desk. "I don't want it," he said suddenly.
"What?"
"I don't want it," Nick repeated. "You keep it here. I don't want it."
"Ok, Nick. That's fine. If you ever change your mind, you let me know."
Nick nodded and stood up. "Thanks," he mumbled.
"You're welcome Nick," Dr. Gravis said, guiding Nick towards the door.
Nick stopped suddenly, and looked up. "I'm never going to see you again," he whispered.
Dr. Gravis smiled sadly and knelt down in front of Nick. "I thought you were happy to have your afternoons back."
"I know. But I'll miss you."
Dr. Gravis brushed the hair from Nick's face. "I'll miss you too. You're a great kid. But things end and new things begin. Your coming to see me is over, but your healing in here," Dr. Gravis said, tapping Nick's chest, "on your own is just beginning."
Nick nodded, blinking back tears.
"Good-bye, Nick."
Nick wrapped his arms around Dr. Gravis. "Thank you," he mumbled into Dr. Gravis' chest.
Dr. Gravis stood up and Nick stepped back. Dr. Gravis led Nick out of his office and watched as Nick made his way down the hall. "Nick!" Dr. Gravis called, just before he reached the waiting room. Nick turned to look at him. "You're going to be ok."
