Amy POV
A couple days have passed since I talked to Reagan about my college plans and I still haven't exactly been honest with her. I know I have to, we agreed on no secrets. It's just hard. I don't want her to think I made my decision for a different reason.
So, I'm sitting here watching her move around in the kitchen as I overthink and over analyze every possible outcome. If it's not now, it's never, right? If I can't do this I don't know how I'll ever be able to go to her for something bigger. I mean not that this is small but it's not exactly the most important thing either. I take a deep breath and lift my body off the couch and make my way to her. I watch as she lifts her head and looks at me as I lean against the door frame.
"Hey babe. I thought you would never get off that couch. You've been staring at me for a while."
"Yeah. I've just been thinking."
"Thinking about what?"
"Do you think you can stop for a minute? I need to tell you something."
"Of course. What's up?"
I watch as she turns the stove off and leans against the counter to face me.
" I have a confession."
"What kind of confession?"
"I wasn't exactly honest with you about my acceptance letter to UT Austin."
"What weren't you honest about?"
"I didn't get it that day. I had the letter for about a month. When I got it I didn't want to open it because it would have made it real. You know?"
"So why that day?"
"I got my Clement letter that day."
"Were you waiting to see if you got into Clement before you made your decision about UTA?"
"Yes and no."
"Amy it's a simple question."
"It's not that easy."
"Yes it is."
"No. It's not. I've been dreaming about going to Clement ever since I knew what college was. My plan was always to go there. Then you came into my life again and as the days went by and months turned into years my plan changed and when I got the letter from UTA it only made my decision more real."
"Real how?"
"Real as in my entire future was that envelope and I wasn't ready to handle that. So I waited. And days would go by that I would just sit there playing with the envelope. Flipping it between my fingers. Knowing that the paper inside is more than just about college. Then the day came when my mom texted me saying "the envelope" came. I knew then I couldn't wait anymore."
"Why is it more than an acceptance letter?"
"What?"
"You said it was more than a piece of paper telling you if you got in. So what else is it?"
"You know what it is."
"Humor me."
"It's you. And it's us. It's tomorrow and the month after that. It's the knowing and realizing that what we are is something more than a relationship I had in high school."
"And you didn't think what we are is more than a relationship you had in high school until you got the letter?"
"No. I always knew it was something more. Getting the letter was just different. It gave me something to hold in my hands. It put the thought of what we are into something tangible."
"And I'm not tangible?"
I can see the confusion and hurt on her face. This was the last thing I wanted to have happen.
I pull my body away from the frame and walk towards her; wrapping my arms around her waist as she leans against the counter.
"You are very tangible."
I lean in and kiss her forehead gently as she pulls me closer.
"Being able to hold and touch you is one of the most tangible and amazing things. But when I do, I just think about you. The envelope made me stop and think about me. It made me think about us."
I feel her pull away slightly and look up to me.
"If I wasn't here, would you have still applied to UTA?"
"No. I wouldn't have."
"So I changed that for you."
"You did. But you already know that. I told you when I came over that day, that you were a factor I couldn't overlook. You helped me make my decision without even saying anything."
"I get that. I really do. And I love that you thought about me and us while deciding, but I don't want you resenting me later down the road because I was the reason you didn't go to your dream school."
"You're not keeping me from Clement. I can go to Clement. I can turn down UTA. The thing is though, just because I can doesn't mean I want to."
"But you're choosing me over college."
"I'm choosing you and college. There's nothing that Clement has that UTA doesn't."
"Yes there is."
"What is it then?"
"Karma."
I drop my arms from her waist and take a step back and look at her.
"So your argument for me going to Clement is because Karma will be there?"
I watch as she stares at me waiting to see what else I'm going to say.
"You know, for once in my life I made a decision that has nothing to do with anyone else besides myself. I made a decision that I wanted and one that no one else had a say in. I made a decision for me, myself and I."
"No you made a decision for us. You never came and talked to me. I wanted you to talk to me."
"I didn't want to talk to you. I didn't want to talk to Karma. Whatever either of you would have said wouldn't have affected my decision."
"Yes it would have."
"What could you have said that would have changed my mind?"
"I would have told you I would move if it meant you chasing your dream."
"You would move? You would give up everything you have here to follow me?"
"I would."
"I thought about that. Before I got either letter. I thought about us moving, but, it didn't make sense. I could never let you sacrifice everything you've built here."
"So I'm supposed to let you make the sacrifice?"
"I'm not sacrificing anything. Yeah I'm giving up Clement but I'm still going to get an amazing education, my family is here, my life is here, you're here."
"I just don't want this to be something you hold against me later. I don't want you to hate me for making you go to a school that wasn't even on your radar."
"You're not making me do anything. You never told me about UTA. You never shoved pamphlets in my face or dragged me on campus tours. I looked into the school. I wanted to go there. If you would have pushed me to go there, I would hold it against you. But you didn't. You let me decide and I could never hate you for that."
"Why tell me all of this now? You could have never said anything."
"I dont want to have any secrets between us. I want you to know everything."
"Everything?"
"Yeah. We still have so much to learn about each other, I don't want to ruin that by hiding things from you."
"No secrets then."
I smile at her before moving closer;eliminating the small gap between us. I know I don't need to say anything because she already knows exactly what I want. She knows exactly what I would say if I were to say anything. And in this moment I know I made the right decision. And if I'm truly being honest making any sort of decision with Reagan as an option isn't a decision at all because for it to be an decision there would have to be consideration for something else. There would be options and choices and that doesn't exist with her. She is a necessity. Something you don't choose but something you need to live; like breathing.
