*No espero amor ni odio,
Ya tengo bastante con mi dolor*
Yeah... this chapter is a huge hot mess. Sorry about that. More than four months since updating has been brutal.
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Resembool's lush green scenery didn't make for a jovial mood, as everyone who was boarding this goddamn train told him at least a hundred times. Though it was infinitely better than Drachma's horrendous weather, it definitely didn't "brighten up his day". He didn't feel anything in particular, actually. Strange. He should be feeling a crazy revenge-brought spike of adrenaline, but it didn't seem to hit him. Maybe he needed to get to the Rockbell residence first.
As he walked the disgusting dirt road to the large yellow house which stuck out like a sore thumb, he decided he should transform into a bland middle aged man with casual dirt splattered clothes. Mousy brown hair and black eyes, along with some heavy-looking worker boots. Passerby would mistake him as a normal farmer, which was the image he was going for. His gravelly footsteps were truly the only sound one could hear for miles.
It was so…lonely around here. And the walk was so unbelievably long! One thing was for sure, the town really was one of the most peaceful (boring) places he'd ever been in. As he caught sight of the prominent ROCKBELL AUTOMAIL sign, he figured he'd changed his right hand to an automail one—or at least the illusion of it—in order to seem more credible. Absolutely nothing suspicious in a man looking for his automail mechanic for a quick fix up, right?
Envy slowly stepped up the creaking wooden stairs to the front porch of the house, contemplating his next move.
In the back of his mind, he slightly cursed himself for leaving Drachma so suddenly and immediately coming here. Though he had a skeletal plan formed out, he didn't really get to iron out the kinks and details as he very rashly packed a small suitcase and left the cold Markov mansion for this place. His fault for being so impulsive. As always. He sighed forlornly, the fake mechanical hand coming up and running through his short brown hair. Well, the 'should haves' don't exist. It's no use to dwell on it anymore. First of all, he needed to figure out who was currently at home.
If you'd waited in order to figure out if your perceived targets were even in the damn house, you wouldn't be trying to figure that out right now, dumbass.
He closed his lids briefly and licked his lips once thoughtfully. True, the chance of his plan succeeding dwindled down from those obvious flaws but this situation was truly a thousand times better than what he left behind. He couldn't stand living in that large house any longer. Her voice calling out to him, night and day, was agonizing. Why would he willingly put himself through that? No, he much rather be here at the Rockbell's doorstep than hearing Lust's beautiful haunting voice, a voice created by his own sick disturbed mind.
Three loud knocks on the door reverberated through the frame work, and he waited for an answer. Soon enough, he heard footsteps coming down the stairs and the doorknob jiggled slightly before the door opened slightly.
A frail looking old woman appeared at the doorway, adjusting her glasses and looking up at him with curiosity. She was probably trying to figure out if he was her client or Winry's as she had seen the automail hand the instant she opened the door. "Yes?" What was her name again? He knew it started with a P…
"Can I help you?"
"Hello. I'm one of your granddaughter's clients, and I wish to know if she's able to do a quick checkup for me. My hand isn't maneuvering as it used to, and in some positions the limb is quite painful."
"I'm sorry Mr…" She trailed off on that, expecting him to interject with his last name. For a second, the half-homunculus felt panic in his heart as he wanted to say the last name he'd being going with in Drachma but he had a new face and body now. He couldn't be repeating last names, no matter how common they were. It's just something not worth risking. "Markov." He finally supplied, disliking that bastard's last name on his tongue. It tasted oily and wrong.
"Mr. Markov, yes. I'm sorry to say Winry is not currently available. She's still in Rush Valley, I believe. She is coming home today, however though that might not be for at least a couple more hours. You could try coming back late in the afternoon or tomorrow if you really wish to meet with her."
"Ah, yes. Well then I guess I'll be taking my leave-"
"Is your problem the hand or the wrist?"
"…the wrist."
"Well I think I could easily fix that up for you. Come in." He hesitated slightly, but took a step inside the house. Pinako. Yes, that was her name. He finally remembered. "Hmm?" The graying old woman turned around, glancing at him inquisitively. Shit, did he say that out loud?
"I, uh just wanted to thank you for taking the time to see me. " He uttered out whatever came to mind, feeling like an idiot. She gave a small smile and started to lead him down the automail shop. "You are welcome."
As they walked, the deafening sounds of vicious barking assaulted his ears and he was faced with an old black and white dog snarling up at him like if he was the essence of pure evil. He fought the urge to smirk. The dog obviously sensed something inhuman and she was reacting accordingly to the face of danger. With aggression. "Den!" The woman said sternly, angry eyes reflecting to him the dog normally didn't behave like this. "Down, girl." Pinako warned the dog with an assertive finger, but Den still curled up her snout, white canine teeth ready to rip him into bits.
"That's so strange, she's always so well-behaved." She muttered almost worryingly but the sin paid her comment no mind.
"So the Elric brothers aren't in the house?" Pinako looked at him strangely; he'd changed the conversation rather abruptly. For a second, he thought he'd look rather suspicious of knowing that the Elrics normally resided here but then relaxed. The two were mini celebrities in the entire country, and many things were known about them. It wouldn't look suspicious at all, probably 95% of Amestris knew were they live.
"No they are not. Alphonse is still in Xing practicing his Alkahestry and Edward's busying himself learning about sophisticated techniques in Creta. I know you're not Winry's client."
That last phrase made his blood run icy cold. He stopped right in his tracks, shock in his disguised eyes. "Excuse me?"
"I also know you're not wearing your true face, homunculus."
..H-How? Impossible!
"Your eyes tell me everything, you know. I see you trying to trick your way of it. The brown in your eyes have a cold dead look to them, just like how all of the homunculi used to have. Den has a rather specific aversion to your kind as well. It's what tipped me off." The way the old lady said it, so nonchalant and rather casually, it unnerved him. She was intuitive and perceptive. Clever old hag.
"You can change faces, therefore I know exactly which homunculus you are-"
"Well then, let's not waste time in small talk shall we?" An automail hand slammed Pinako into the nearest wall, choking her out by the throat with incredible ease.
She was already incredibly frail, probably pushing past her nineties. Making such a weak body submit was almost too easy. She fell down to the floor, crumpled in an unconscious heap of limbs. Den, seeing her owner in such a horrid state, lunged at the half-homunculus but he was very well prepared for her attack. He clamped down on the snout with his two hands, pressing on so harshly that the dog whined in pain. A small smile decorated his face and he sent the canine flying back with a powerful throw until she fell down to the floor, whining and crying out.
Red electricity slowly crawled up his body, leaving him in his original form. The small smile had turned into a maniacal grin, one Den saw and fearfully ran away from. "That's right, you little bitch. Run." He sneered. Now what was he do with Pinako? Hmm… I saw a rundown schoolhouse about thirty minutes from this house. I can probably chain her up there.
With that in mind, he hauled up the old woman's body to his shoulder like if she weighted nothing and changed his appearance. Now going with blonde haired, blue eyed look, he stepped out without a care in the world. As he expected, for miles and miles, not a soul could be seen. So easy.
So easy it was. He walked for thirty minutes with Pinako hoisted up on his shoulders like a sack of potatoes in plain view, and nobody was in sight. One could murder someone out in the open and nobody would know. The thought briefly entered his mind, but he shook it away. He wanted to kill the Elric's and their girly-friend. He couldn't waste his energy on someone who was already knocking on death's door. The schoolhouse thankfully still had some desks around so he could use the metal legs to create the woman's chains. With a clap of his hands, the steel transformed into shackles. Alchemy really was a lifesaver at times. He still could not remember more than half of the time the power of the ability in him.
Easy. Everything here was damn easy. He really was expecting more of a challenge. Ah well. Shoving hands in pant pockets, he trudged along back to the Rockbell household. Winry was going to be here soon. Sooner than he thought actually.
Wait…
Was…that her walking along the dirt road carrying large heavy-looking boxes? He narrowed his eyes at the distanced figure, and did see that famous long blonde ponytail bouncing and swaying back and forth from her steps. He really couldn't see the blue eyes from the side, and he decided to wait a bit more for her to elongate the distance between them. She was walking alongside the path leading directly to the Rockbell home. That wasn't proof of anything though. Envy started to walk leisurely on the same path, separated enough to not look suspicious if she decided to turn around and look back.
Soon enough, that is exactly what she did. She gave a slight turn to her head and looked back for a second, probably for no good reason at all. To pass the time, to distract herself from the tiring walk maybe? But he saw them.
Vivid azure eyes…yes.
It's her.
It seems like Pinako was a bit off in the time her granddaughter was coming home. The girl looked back once more, directly to him. They made eye contact and Envy allowed a friendly smile to grace his lips. Normal greeting to strangers, he looked like any typical Amestrian young man. Nothing noteworthy, taking a walk along the countryside could be seen as relaxing to these folk. Yeah, that's exactly what he's doing. He wasn't following her, he was merely out for a breath of fresh air.
He wasn't perceived as a threat to her, he knew because she sent an equally warm smile to him and turned forward. Everything was calm and quaint. Nothing seemed out of place. The house was about five minutes away and he began to walk in a different direction, a bit more to the left as if going downhill. Envy could not see her anymore, the hill hid her and her home from sight, so he sat down on the soft grass. Blue eyes closed as if trying to find an inner peace. The sun shined bright, and there was a pleasant breeze flowing through his hair. He stayed there sitting in a tranquil manner for quite a while.
What if he waited around for the Elric brothers to come instead? He'd tie her up right when Alphonse was coming, and then tie Alphonse up as well. When Edward came home, he'd be greeted by the sight of the sin brutally murdering his only brother and his dear childhood friend (or even more?). Take away everything from the Fullmetal Alchemist. Destroy it.
This time he would let him drown in the never-ending sea of ashes. It was his turn to lose it all.
And the sin would deliver that in the worst way possible.
Finally, he opened molten gold eyes and grinned. Perfect. It was perfect. This new plan was in motion, and he'd fulfill it. He slowly stood up, shaking off any dirt from his new leather pants. The sun was already turning into a burnt orange , and it slightly surprised him that the day was practically half over. Clouds turned pink and purple. As he walked up to the house's front porch again, he noticed the door was slightly ajar. Did she forget to close it? Might as well go on. He stood inside, still at the entrance, looking around to see where the blue eyed woman had gotten disappeared to.
Ah, there she was.
Looking down and running down the stairs with a white washcloth stained in red pressed to her head. How in the world did she manage to hurt herself so fast? A small 'tch', a mockery of a snicker, escaped his lips. She must be clumsy.
Now here she was at the bottom of the stairs, looking at him with a completely stupefied expression. Her wide blue eyes were filled with utter shock.
He wanted to laugh.
She even dropped her washcloth in the stunned silence.
"I'm back Winry. And I'm staying for good."
.
.
.
.
Her nimble fingers peeled off the blood-soaked bandages for the fourth time today, and though her touch was gentle, her stoic expression betrayed no concern or worry.
Envy scowled and looked away, facing his face to the pillow almost to the point of suffocating. Which, by the way, wasn't something that looked too unpleasant at the moment. Five days have passed with her coming to the infirmary room to replace his bandages, give him food (and if he really struggled to sit up, she'd help him up and literally feed him—the goddamn horror) and pretty much tend on his hand and foot like a live-in nurse. Why in the actual hell has he been twice injured to the point of death since his last resurrection? He closed his eyes, contemplating his festering shame for a second. And though he felt relieved beyond comprehensible words to be actually be alive and somewhat well, a whole variety of emotions roiled beneath his skin whenever Winry entered the room. Humiliation, mostly. But there was the twinge of others, such as anger, embarrassment, and a concoction of other shitty feelings which made his face heat up and probably turn a hue redder. And for the entire today, for at least today, he made no effort or sign of recognizing her existence. It was the only action he still had a good instinct for. Anything other than that?
"Please…don't leave just yet."
Strictly forbidden.
Her eyes. Her beautiful blue eyes looking at him. The acrid black smoke and burning hot flames engulfing every single cell in his body: nowhere to be found. The horrid shrieking and terrifying voices whispering abhorrent things were gone. Was he dreaming? Was he in heaven? But that didn't make any sense at all…he was descending to hell! She tore away her cerulean gaze from his intense one, fear filling her orbs. He only noticed her arm lightly wrapped over his bandaged abdomen when she started to retract herself.
So, God heard him? He was in heaven after all? If she was here, then it was no doubt this wasn't hell. Someone as good as her is too pure to even fathom entering the Devil's home. But she was pulling away…why was she pulling away?
He tried to raise his arms, but they felt so heavy—as if each one weighed a thousand pounds each—and they only slowly rose little by little. Her fidgeting grew, which meant her fear did as well. Why would someone be afraid in a place like heaven? And wasn't he supposed to feel wonderful and at peace?
Unless he wasn't in heaven. A large shuddering breath threatening to escape his lips. And though his body was not responding to his frantic mind, inside he was a tittering disbelieving mess. If he wasn't in heaven or hell…
…then…
The girl was pulling away, her brilliant blue eyes downcast as if embarrassed. It was Winry, his murderer. It was Winry, his savior. Instinct kicked in. The disbelief turned into ecstasy in less than half a second.
His risen arms immediately went around her back, no second thoughts or regrets, and squeezed around her tightly. One part really just wanted to feel her solid real body against his and confirm his epiphany. And the second part? Happiness. Though his body felt too heavy and weighted to actually do any of it, he wanted to laugh out loud for hours, he felt like he could cry from the joy. He felt her warmth. He felt her touch, he could even feel her unadulterated shock running through her veins. She was real.
He was actually ALIVE!
So much fucking emotion.
And then what he said right after? His words and voice were so…raw. So hoarse and true, he felt sick to his stomach. Everything was horribly wrong, sick. And right then, in his euphoric introduction to the living world, Envy realized what he was doing a few seconds too late.
Winry's shock never left her system, but it managed to ebb away to a level of almost invisible nervous pitter patter of her heart. Her joy, however did not experience the same effect. In fact, as her surprise lowered, her happiness lifted higher and higher. She was so happy from it all; from the minute she felt a minute heartbeat, seeing his bleary dulled violet eyes peering at her blankly, and experiencing the singular act of affection—and maybe forgiveness for what she did to him?—Envy displayed probably in his entire lifetime. The green-haired sin was not the only one embracing now, as she was fully wrapping her arms to his still cool neck and reciprocating the hug just as fully.
Elated. She felt elated, and with her heart drumming in such an unusual pattern, she felt easily confused enough to maybe misinterpret it as something akin to excitement and…of—"AH!"
A small shriek escaped her mouth as she flew back, falling in impact against the floor. The wooden ground made direct contact with her rear and tail bone, which felt like it could be potentially fractured or at least severely bruised.
Her chest burned and her arms almost felt like they were ripped out of their sockets. Her once tranquil eyes were now wide and shiny. Hurt radiated from slowly-graying orbs, especially when she took in his appearance. Envy almost sitting up, arms outstretched with slightly trembling palms and fingers curled up angrily, and his wide purple eyes were filled with a horrifying combination of bewilderment and rage. He looked like a wild wounded animal, almost insane. Red started to blossom from his bandaged wound, and somehow the red bloomed in his face as well. It accentuated the madness in his expression. The blood dripped now, his pupils were almost nonexistent and the purple looked like a fluorescent crimson.
She looked at him with that crestfallen face, and he refused to say anything back to her. Her unwavering stare stilled in time, and it felt like an eternity of her eyes boring holes into his skull. Painstaking and slow, it drilled out deep holes and he felt like his thoughts were practically leaking out of his goddamn head faster than a deflated ball. She could see them all, displayed unabashed and relentless right above him; it screeched to her.
'….What the FUCK.' His horrified voice screamed out at him. She could hear it too, he knew she heard everything!
'W-why. WHY did you do that?!' His appalled mind kept on shrieking, and it threatened to make his ears bleed. His initially red face suddenly drained completely, skin turning paper-white in terror.
'Why….did you say that?'
Dear God. He had never felt more insane than he did right now. He wanted to shut his eyes, bash his head in to the nearest wall until the plaster was coated with his stupid brain matter and succumb to sweet oblivion. That is until he remembered what awaited him on the other side if he chose said route. So he was bound here, doomed to be in eternal misery, in humiliation. The lesser of two evils, definitely...though not by a huge difference.
All was deathly silent and the girl was completely still with her head hung low, her fingers curled tightly to the floor with her shaking furious nails raking along the surface temptingly. The frenzied scratching sound chilled him to the core, and he focused his sight on her hands. It was as if she wanted to claw out the wood board by board. Her hands said all. She was murderous, she was wounded, and something absolutely horrifying happened.
Envy, knowing it was him who shoved her so harshly, enough for her to skid across the floor, seeing her switch from negative emotion to negative emotion like a horrible kaleidoscope, actually started to feel this god-awful feeling he could only describe as something akin to shame. With widening frenzied eyes, he realized it all too quickly, his two shaky hands going to his cranium and pressing on both sides as if willing it to implode on itself.
He felt guilt.
Absolute fucking disgusting horrendous guilt.
Seeing her body tremble with so much unadulterated rage, hurt, betrayal, it was endless! It was goddamn torture! He felt like a complete and total asshole. 'What in the literal fuck is happening to meeeeeeee-!' He reeled, feeling out of his mind. Soon enough, Winry distracted him from his too-fast thoughts as she stood up abruptly and her head rose up, blue anger boiling without ever ceasing. The fire in them managed to burn him completely. All throughout his body, there was an unbearable heat, and even a certain faint lightheadedness. Then her sight fixated on his lower side, and the boiling irises immediately cooled into simmering irritation. In fact, he even saw a bit of concern in there too. Though all his body felt heated, his side was literally on fire. Moistness and fire combined were a horrid combination, and it burned him like molten rock. A couple swear words escaped his lips as the pain of his opened wound fully hit.
He saw her. She was coming closer again and for some stupid reason he backed away as much as he possibly could in the thin cot. It really didn't make much of a difference since he was already against the wall, and only managed to accomplish making his injury hurt more. "Stop moving so damn much." Winry spoke tersely, pushing his upper body down with a firm if-not-cruel hand.
"You're bleeding too much because you are an idiot. Are you happy?" She muttered with eyes downcast and angry, rummaging around her medical cabinet right next to the cot. Soon enough, she took out fresh new gauze bandages and a pair of sharp scissors. She suddenly pointed those incredibly sharp scissors at his face with a dark menacing gaze. "This does not mean we are okay." He still could not open his mouth, not for the life of him. Not even to scoff slightly and state 'Since do I care if we're okay?' mockingly. In fact, he couldn't even nod or shake his head and he resorted to stare straight at the ceiling like if he'd really died with eyes wide open.
As she began cutting away the blood-soaked bandages and peeling it away from his sticky red-stained skin, she opened her mouth but ended up closing it. Her thin blonde eyebrows furrowed in a consternation of emotions, and it seemed like she wanted to ask him something of utmost importance, but she couldn't quite find the right words. Her lips parted once more, a small blue flame of anger igniting once again in her irises. This time, he could see her question clear in her expressive eyes. Many questions actually.
'How the fuck do you attack me when I literally bring you back, you stupid idiotic sadistic sonofabitch! How DARE you? Howdareyoumotherfucker, I can't ever win with you! I try to kill you and it comes back to bite me in the ass and I get literally chewed out by my own conscience and I try to SAVE you and youshunmesohorriblywhatthehelldidIdotodeservethis, todeserveYOU—!'
So much disbelief. She was so indignant. Would she ever say anything at all?
"What is wrong with you, Envy?" This question came out as a whisper. A whisper filled with betrayal and hurt. The flickering blue flame in her orbs died out. Her screaming was done, her rage was done. There was no concern in it. She wasn't worried for his safety or well-being when asking this question, she merely wanted to know why he was such a bastard. And for some goddamn reason, he actually responded truthfully this time.
"I don't know."
.
"OW!"
Envy cried out involuntarily at one of Winry's ministrations. While carefully covering his still-open wound with fresh bandages, she had managed to press her knuckles in one of the stitches by accident. The sin's eye twitched in irritation. Yeah, he muttered to himself. 'Accident.' Air quotes definitely included.
"Sorry." She spoke a bit too lightly to be seen as guilty. Sorry my ass … He scoffed, glaring at her unabashedly. The girl had the nerve to give a small ridiculing smile at him, and he seethed at her obvious mock. And thinking back about what he'd done in order for her to act so high and mighty only made everything worse. His idiotic actions irrevocably gave her the ultimate power in their horrid 'relationship'. He no longer felt in control, and it was the worst disgrace he could fathom. She had the galls now to do what she wished, and with no repercussion. And in her eyes, he could see it.
Who's the tortured prisoner now?
How does it feel to be my bitch, pathetic worm?
And it was all his goddamn fault. His fists were now actually shaking in blinding fury. Envy, in all his wretched vulnerability, sought her out. For comfort, for happiness, for something suspiciously appearing as repulsive affection. His mind regrettably stilled at the last reason. Appearing?
Then, if not affection—what the hell was it?
.
"I thought you hated me." He said flatly.
"Oh I do," She retorted just as emotionless, "I'm just not a monster like you." Her voice came out as gritted hisses between teeth.
He snorted. "You sure you're not a monster, dear? You seem to be learning awfully quick in how to hate. How to get revenge."
"What I enacted on you was justice. Get it right." She scoffed, a bit childishly even and he noticed.
"HAHA! You humans are so stupid. Thirsting for revenge and calling it justice? You're just like that bastard flame alchemist, and pretty much every human in the world-"
"And you make the worst scum on earth seem like saints standing next to you." As a response, he gave a weak laugh. He actually wanted to cackle deeply at her stupid reasoning, but a certain stitched up wound made it very difficult to strain his abdomen too much
"I never really liked the good holy shit anyway. Too much work. Being bad seems to suit me well don't you think? The evil glint really exalts my 'stunning' eyes." He finished with an exaggerated wink, and the girl twitched. Her pretty lips twisted in a grimace akin to mortification and anger combined. Her silence was delightful, it meant he's succeeded in pushing her down and breaking her soul just a bit further. His silver tongue slid delicately around his sharpened canines, and he spoke with a carnivorous smile.
"Why so quiet Miss Winry?" This got a reaction from her.
"Miss Winry?" He cooed again. Her wrinkled forehead smoothed out and her expression for some reason relaxed. Surprisingly, she gave a small smile at that. "Funny how you've never called me that in the almost five months of keeping hostage, but now that I'm the one with the power, you give me a title that's not 'bitch' or 'slut'. I have to say it's a nice change." Her last words faded more as a musing to herself than to the sin below her, and Envy had a slight frown on his face at her calm disposition.
The 'Miss' title was supposed to be mocking, not respectful. He seethed to himself. Dumbass.
"And unlike you who can't take responsibility for his words or actions, I meant what I said that one time. You do have beautiful eyes." She murmured in a self-assured smooth voice, but the effect on his psyche was just the opposite. She repeated her compliment (making her seem confident) and added a sliver of inflaming indirect accusations to make him feel uneasy and downright prickly.
Even the soft white sheets enveloping his body suddenly felt scratchy.
.
His conversations with her…didn't make him feel strong at all. They left him feeling cut down and bare. She had figured out how to make him spill out things he never wanted anyone to know and this only aggravated his anger and his thunderstorm of turmoil. Not only that, but he had been subconsciously trying to make her feel better about her death. That cannot happen again. The comforting words should never be in his mind much less on his tongue and lips.
"Stop." Envy gritted between clenching teeth, still not exactly sure if he told himself or the temporary doctor above him. Probably at both since he was being a fool thinking foolish thoughts, and he grew to hate the blonde's touch on his skin. "Don't be an idiot." Winry spoke harshly, eyes narrowed and cold, refusing to retract her hands. "I'm still not done with the bandages."
"I don't care."
"Me either. Now shut up."
Condescending little bitch-! He saw complete red, and without even thinking about it, he viciously slapped her fingers away with the back of his hand, almost in a shove. "Don't touch me." The girl took a half-step back before her face bloomed in red, livid fire dancing in her expression. In a surprisingly dangerous snarl, she reintroduced her fingers to his wound. Nails first.
"GAH-! You goddamned stupid—" His mouth was suddenly covered by one of her bloodied hands, and she leaned over his face. She looked like she was minutes away from stabbing him again.
"Don't you ever…dare and try to fucking hit me again." She spat out at him. "Especially since everything I do is try to help you heal, ungrateful waste of space worthless piece of SHIT." Her hiss kept the same volume, but every single word carried more terror, it carried more danger and he fleetingly wondered if she would kill him again. She no longer feared him, he realized. But even though she was currently taking care of him, he easily could take back the power with a mere flick of his wrist. A snap of her neck, and bam. She's the waste of space. He growled, not one to bow down to threats from her.
"Heal?! You're not helping me from the goodness of your stupid perfect heart." Envy hissed back at her. "It's because you're guilty for murdering me."
"And you're a damn hypocrite who likes to dish it out but can't handle the heat." She retorted back instantly, his scathing words sliding off her like water. The only recognizing factor he noticed was she flinched for a half-second before instantly squashing it with no emotion. "Did you already forget everything you put me through? You tortured me in every way possible. Physically, mentally, emotionally. You scarred my psyche, you were so close to destroying my will to live, my soul. And you cry out foul when I snap and try to kill you?"
"Honey, you didn't try. You fucking succeeded."
"And yet, here you are. Alive. I could have left you just how you were when you came back and you would have died from blood loss. Again."
"So you don't regret it?" He demanded.
"You being here is proof of my regret Envy." This time, Winry's voice sounded hollow and weary. She was tired of fighting, of him always refusing to be civil, to be so goddamn defiant like if she was trying to torture him. Which was a possibility she was really looking into because of his insufferable behavior. The sin chuckled at her answer, and a grin not seen since he revived graced his lips.
"That's funny. Because everything I did to you…" He spoke nonchalantly, looking at his extended hands and inspecting his nails. His wrists turned with a sharp twist and the lean fingers closed abruptly into a loose fist, cat eyes zeroing on his caretaker. "I don't regret a single thing." The mauve in his eyes flashed insidiously.
"Not your well-deserved scars on your chest and back, nor your 'emotional and mental' pain," He sneered hatefully, "not raping you over and over-"
SLAP!
There it was. The slap he was expecting, and the white-hot anger spread through her face like a disease. She was demonic when she was this pissed. "You son of a bitch-" Her voice broke out, enraged tone horrifying like the same Devil coming out of hell and trying to take him back to where he belonged The red hand mark stung greatly, but he ignored it and kept a lopsided grin on his face because he knew she'd hate it. He had to keep on going, he had to get his point across and make her feel like the scum beneath his feet, not dignified to even be insect food.
"You know why? Because you're the weakest individual I've ever met. You're so pitiful I'm torn between wanting to cry of laughter or of sympathy. With your pathetic weak heart. You can't even kill me after all I've done to you!" He gave a horrid slightly stilted laugh. Sordid and rancid. "What does that say about you? Spineless woman. Do you have no self-dignity? No self-preservation in the least? It's fucking hilarious. Tell me, please I want to know what it's like to live with no brain." Every negative word always seemed to wound her so deep, her heart would almost bleed out from the inside. And he saw her eyes, her shiny glassy eyes darken to charcoal. The expression was gone in a split second.
She had the audacity to throw her head back and laugh. Laugh at his face. His grin was replaced by a smoldering glare. If he could even try and move, she'd already be splattered meat. Dismembered.
"That's rich coming from the most pathetic insecure self-loathing worm ever to exist." She jeered, arms crossed in front of her chest. And it seemed like she knew the word 'worm' was a trigger for him, since she didn't even blink when he completely exploded.
"I'LL TEAR YOUR GODDAMN THROAT OUT, YOU BITCH-"
"You call me weak? I didn't rip out my own stone in a weak attempt to regain at least a sense of false dignity. Poor, poor suicidal little wormy thing. All I see in your eyes is shame. You're ashamed of yourself. Are you embarrassed by your reaction when you saw me?" Winry taunted with a rancid honey dripping with every word. She was merciless, she was stabbing the metaphorical dagger where it hurt him the most, and the results were relished. Envy was so angry, he couldn't even think, he couldn't speak. What could he say against that?
"You came back from hell—it was hell wasn't it? There isn't a more fitting place for you—terrified and hopeless. Searching for something. Or should I say someone?" Her taunts grew more ruthless with every passing second. Her face once again invaded his personal space, breath almost hitting his lips. He stiffened at her close contact, and growled at her to back off. Of course, she paid no heed to his threats.
"You were looking for me, weren't you?" A large hand shot up, heading toward the young woman's neck but she was very cunning. She saw it coming before she even spoke, and she stepped back gracefully. The green-haired man was livid, hands outstretched itching to strangle her until dead. She gave another laugh, one which echoed in his ears like nails screeching against chalkboard. "Wasn't that why you were so happy to see me? I didn't know we were so close to elicit such a…enthusiastic response." She mused as if remembering a hilarious anecdote.
"SHUT UP!" He roared at her.
"What was that you said again? I sometimes forget…"
"SHUT UP!"
"Oh sweet Winry please please don't leave me- HAHA! Yes, that sounds about right." Winry cackled, almost wickedly. He was shocked, disturbed beyond return. What in the hell happened to her? Why was she being so outright unnecessarily cruel? And yes, the sheer hypocritical irony of him wondering that was very much noted.
"FUCK YOU!" In response, she shook her head condescendingly.
"Tsk, tsk, Envy. You're not actually in love with me are you?"
.
"You killed her." Winry spoke softly, but in the large empty room, her words echoed like a full-blown scream would. Tears rushed down her red cheeks like rivers. He merely stared straight through her in a catatonic state. In fact, he looked like he didn't even know what was going on. The only way she actually knew he was listening was the fact his lips moved ever so slowly.
"I just didn't feel her hunger anymore…" He whispered so low, she barely understood him.
"You said you didn't need to kill her, but you lied…" She sobbed out, her mud-stained hands cradled to her face. He opened his mouth to prove her wrong, but quickly closed it. Why bother? It wasn't like she was going to believe anything he said.
"You lied to me. Why do you always lie…?"
And now thinking about, why did he even want to justify himself? After all of the effort she exerted to bring him back, he highly doubt she'd tried to attempt against his life for erroneously believing him to be the murderer of her grandmother. And yet again, there was an almost annoying need to speak up and protest her words.
"Why are you so cruel? How in the world can you possess a live beating heart when you are such a monstrous soulless homunculus? You are supposed to have a frigid stone." Her dirt-splattered face splotched with red made her seem like the most defeated woman he has ever seen. And this didn't bring him any pleasure or delight whatsoever. Truly a sad day when he no longer relished the hopelessness in humankind's eyes.
She didn't scream at him anymore, as there was no tears and willpower left into her to do so. "I'd be able to understand at least a smidgen more, if you had that wretched philosopher's stone. But you don't. I have been mistaken completely. You're worse than a homunculus. You are a human, an irrevocably evil human with the detestable ability to shapeshift." There wasn't even an air to horrified astonishment to the fact. In reality, Envy killing her last blood relative wasn't something to gasp at.
It's something one would expect him to do actually. Not surprising in the slightest. In fact, if she was completely honest with herself, a small part in her mind already knew her grandmother was already dead. Yet, she somehow felt like he was telling the truth that time. Winry saw genuineness in his words and eyes. She didn't see a cold homunculus. She didn't know it at the time, but now it made sense to her.
"I am NOT a goddamn human you moron."
She saw hints of a human.
"You breathe! You eat and drink! You cry and feel sorrow." A quick flash of blood and angry tears filled his vision and he tightened his fists until knuckles turned white. Of all the things he hated in this world, Winry witnessing his breakdown was at the top of the list.
"You DIE. Just like we do. I know homunculi don't feel and don't die. They don't LIVE. They are undead corpses; you are not. You are full of life, of vitality and humanity."
A horrible cackling filled her ears. "Shows how stupid you truly are. You actually think homunculi don't feel? That they—we, don't live as emotional beings?" The words hissed out of his mouth like out of their own volition. His brain didn't even register the command and his emotions felt uncomfortably bare, visage achingly raw. Silence was her only response. She was sure (actually both of them were) he would come to regret his words, very soon.
"We feel as much as you pathetic parasites do. How the fuck do you think we got our names? The difference is that we have the superiority to actually control ourselves and behave in logical unemotional patterns." Winry's mind roared in protest and confusion.
"You…felt as a homunculus?"
"All of us did. Our personal sin is our essence. Lust lusted for power…Gluttony raved in hunger, never satiated. And I…envied. Our names define us." Another stifling silence enveloped the pair and Envy seemed to finally realize all of the surprisingly personal things he was telling his makeshift doctor since a dangerously dark scowl marred his face.
"You better forget everything I told you or I'll cut you right in half!" He barked angrily, crossing his arms and slightly turning so he could avoid her wide eyes. But the only thing in his voice and actions Winry recognized was disguised embarrassment and it made her head spin.
"So you're jealous of us…because you have no choice!"
"Did you not hear what I just said, idiot?"
"You literally envy because that's how you were programmed. You were following your dark nature just like all of they did…" Winry spoke softly. She stayed uneasily quiet for a while, but then she continued on albeit slowly with a strange smile on her blossom color lips.
"Not only because of friendships and bonds...but the philosopher's stone doesn't contain YOUR soul. It holds hundreds if not thousands of captive screaming souls, bound to suffer forever…none which belong to you. And that makes the difference between a homunculus and a human. You scoff at us, saying our souls are puny weak and an embarrassment…but you're envious of the fact that we own it completely. I have a soul, and it solely belongs to me. Can you say the same thing?"
"Of course I can." He snarled fiercely. "I died back there in Laboratory 5, with the Pipsqueak and Colonel Bastard right beside me... And I came back because of one reason! I had no soul to call my own, and God knows the injustice of sending me to hell when I was born out of sin and hate. I was given a soul, a chance to redeem myself. I had the chance to save myself, and I was already dead. Can any of YOU humans say that?
He whipped his head around to see her, expecting shock and fear. What he did not expect in a million years was a large grin and amusement twinkling in ocean-deep orbs. It was at that exact moment he realized he'd been tricked. She played him like a fiddle and he fell for it.
"I knew it." She finally stated, the smile on her dumb face never ceasing. At this, he growled and crossed his arms once more.
"You are a human." Her annoying voice continued to grate on his ears, and he wished he had the strength to leave the damn room. 'You are an idiot sometimes.' That god-awful inner voice filled his mind.
"I didn't kill your grandmother." He said rather suddenly before she could say anything else.
He'd rather bring back her anger than have the girl arrogantly tease him for telling her what she wanted to know. "I was feeding her daily, only it seems a week ago, and one day I just saw her so still. I decided to bury her body before it could start to decompose, but that's all I did in related to her death. She died from natural causes, Winry. Not because of me." A strange unsettling feeling in his stomach when he heard his own words repeat back in his mind.
He didn't like them now and regretted saying anything. Her smile vanished, and the blue in her eyes dulled in sorrow. This surprised him. He was expecting her to snap at him, he assumed anger and yet she was lowering her head dejectedly like a kicked puppy.
Winry gave a bitter humorless chuckle. "I know I should doubt any word that comes out of your mouth…but really, I can't seem to find the strength to protest your excuses. I accept your explanation only because of I'm so tired of going up against you…not because I truly believe you, Envy the Jealous." His body tensed at the centuries old nickname given to him by his dead family, but it wasn't because of anger surprisingly.
Why did he even mention her grandmother again? The blood boiling fire within the girl was known and expected, but the sadness made him feel…worn down. The thought didn't even register completely as that would have immediately be met with disbelief. After all, he once said he didn't care for her anger but wanted to see her eyes cloud in depression. What had changed?
A blip in the silence, and he blinked.
His mouth had strangely opened for a second and Winry was looking at him with shocked wide eyes. What…? Did he say something without his brain even noticing? That isn't supposed to happen at all. Not knowing what he said, and the record of idiocy these past minutes left him feeling slightly panicked. 'What the fuck did I say?'
But whatever he said affected the blonde greatly. Her shiny orbs dripped crystalline tears from dark eyelashes, too many of them, and they splashed at the edge of the bed. Envy racked his brain to see what exactly came out of his mouth, obviously it had to be something insensitive and cruel for her to actually start crying (not that he regretted that!). But then he really looked at her, focusing on her face and not on her tears and was stunned speechless. Though her eyes bled clear liquid, she had a slight smile on her lips.
A small smile filled with so many emotions, he wasn't sure he could decipher them all. He still saw surprise as the most prominent one, but there was happiness there too for some odd reason…
She stood up from the bed (he didn't even notice that somewhere along their conversation, she had sat beside his side of the bed), now he could tell because the mattress spring back slightly from her now-gone weight. He stayed silent, even if he wanted to ask her what he said but it wouldn't be wise. He couldn't trust even his mouth nowadays. Winry started to walk away, heading towards the door. Oddly enough, her feet didn't look so heavy and they didn't drag along the wooden floor like usual. As she opened the door, her head slightly turned to the side to look back at him and he could see her profile.
The smile still adorned her lips, and it actually reached her eyes.
What the hell was going on here?
With that she gently closed the door, leaving Envy with his stifling panic.
.
The first reaction to her unbelievable astonishing words were completely stillness. A stifling choking silence. And then he started to chuckle humorlessly.
"You have GOT to be fucking kidding me." Envy said laughingly, disbelievingly. His hand even went up to cradle his forehead as he shook his head back and forth. He just couldn't even accept she actually said that to him. Maybe he imagined it?
"Oh, far from it." She replied with a grin. "See, you aren't that hard to figure out. You're an asshole, a murderer, a goddamn psycho sadist… that's what everyone who had the displeasure of meeting you says of you and you know it and love it. So every time you act against what they and you normally think of yourself to be, it frightens you and angers you. You don't understand why sometimes you act in a nice way without thinking and it disgusts you because as you do them you aren't disgusted. All you do is pull on the ultimate mask and pretend, and when you act on an impulse, you feel like you have to somehow compensate the good with an overabundant amount of evil. Your cruelty, your viciousness…it always gets much worse when you've surprised me in a good way."
"All I hear you spew is complete and utter bullshit. But really, what should I expect from such an unbelievably stupid human." Envy fiercely shot back, nerves frazzled and heart pounding painfully in his chest. Her words were poisonous to his lungs, and it made it hard to breathe. "There you go again, becoming defensive. Insulting me. That's when I know I'm right. That's why you push me away every time I try and change your bandages because all you can think about is when you hugged me in delight. I don't think you've ever hugged anyone by your own choice, a hug that wasn't dictated by your current disguise or deceit. That's why you feel the need to insult me and belittle me at every chance because you know you felt sympathy for me when I cried for my granny!"
"You're so fucked up. Outright delusional. It's hilarious, you think I actually feel something for you that isn't disgust? You believe you actually know me-"
"You don't even know what you said to me right after you told me you didn't kill her, did you? You still don't know. How does it feel not having control in a situation, Envy? How does it feel not having control of your own body? "
He couldn't even respond to that, silence engulfing his brain and body. With those words hanging in the air, true fear rushed through his veins and he knew what was coming. The truth on what made her cry and yet seem happy. And he shut his eyes, simultaneously wanting to know and yet with the itching desire to clap his hands to his ears and sing out at the top of his lungs to drown out her voice.
"I hate you. You know that? I've never hated somebody so much in my life. I hate your condescending little arrogant spitfire tone, I hate your blue eyes, and I hate your smile. Everything about you-"
"I'm sorry."
"You should be sorry. You sure have an annoyingly active mouth, it's about time you apologize for half the shit that spills out of it." He gritted out between clenched teeth.
"No…no. That's what you said. I'm sorry. "
.
.
The wound didn't look as horrid as it did a couple of days ago.
After the eight day, Winry decided to remove the sutures but the bandages were still a must. She changed the dressing daily, instead of multiple times a day, and it was a relief for both the patient and doctor. At this point in time, Envy felt much better. He wasn't confined to the bed anymore and was soon moving around the house freely—albeit slower and much more carefully than before.
There was one problem though. With his greater mobility and freedom, his annoying whining and complaining rose up as well. He griped of boredom, more than anything, muttering how there was "nothing to do in this god-awful backwater town filled with hillbillies" and "what in the hell do you retards do to pass the goddamn time around here?!"
Hearing those over and over again clearly made for a cranky blonde mechanic. Now that the homunculus wasn't her captor, she was actually working on her shop nonstop (or at least until Envy hollered at her to make him some food because he was starving, or whining his side hurt again) and catching up on all the projects needed. Who knows if her clients still needed these automail parts, maybe they just up and left her to find an automail mechanic who actually answered her phone once in a while. After all, they didn't know she was being held hostage. Calling her clients seemed to be no help at all, it was like they were never around when she went over to pick up the telephone! And now that she was trying to actually work, the still injured sin annoyed her to no end, she was absolutely sick of it. An irritated sigh escaped her pink lips. I swear if he actually calls for me again like a spoiled brat, I will-!
"WIIIIIIIIINRYYYY!" The sing-song shout coming from the upstairs bedroom, which for some reason, he claimed as his already.
That was the last straw.
"FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT COOK FOR YOU, YOUR BANDAGES DON'T NEED REPLACEMENT UNTIL NIGHT, I AM NOT HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOUR EVERY STUPID WHIM, AND IF YOU HATE IT HERE SO MUCH THEN JUST FREAKING LEAVE YOU DAMN MOOCHER!"
…
"…..Sheesh, a little hostile today aren't ya?"
"GOD!" She huffed, adjusting her magnified mechanical glasses, and her hands quickly got to work again. That green haired weirdo is so unpredictable… her left eye twitched, and she fleetingly thought to herself that she might be too stressed. Yeah, eyes aren't supposed to twitch so much… And that's why she needed to keep working. The work took her mind off everything, all of the infuriating things the asshole managed to do or say…but also of the thoughts she tended to have even when he was quiet and leaving her alone. The silence made her brain go in overdrive and a voice somehow gained more and more strength in asking questions she did not want to acknowledge.
The murderous sin as her current 'roommate' was the first and the most easily alarming thought that came to mind. For some reason, her brain was completely against anything she did. Everything. You're a goddamn idiot, who in their right mind tends to a person who's done so much horrible shit?
Her stomach lurched and twisted relentlessly at her whirling thoughts. Work, dumbass! It was no use. They just kept swirling stronger like a developing tornado, and she couldn't keep out the bombardment. Maybe when he was still healing, she could help him out…she wasn't exactly adamant on kicking him out when he was still pretty much bed-ridden, but right now she could tell he was doing a lot better. He was definitely livelier. In fact, she still didn't know why he hasn't done anything to threaten her life or to just up and leave. I really thought for a second, he would just try to leave and never come back after what I told him…that day…
Sure, after dropping the proverbial bomb on him (which was only the truth), he pretty much shut down any type of conversation and she couldn't get a word out of him for that entire day. The next morning however, when she came back to change his bandages, he acted rather…odd. Or well, completely normal to be frank. He was back to his obnoxious crude loud self, grinning and spouting off sarcastic remarks like he got paid for them. But each comment that graced his lips sounded more playful in her ears than actual cruelty. He wasn't trying to tear her down anymore. In fact, they more than once exchanged teasing banter that could be considered…pleasant. Humorous jabs between friends. There is no such thing as friendship or even friendly acquaintances with him. No such thing as peace as long as he's around. Her mind told her over and over, even after each day his attitude hadn't changed for the worst. For a couple of moments, she wondered if this was all an elaborate ruse and he was just waiting for the most opportune moment to pounce and break her neck—
But in truth, that was highly unlikely. He would have killed her long ago, as she wasn't being particularly mindful of the danger she faced every time she came in the room to tend to him. There countless of opportunities where she was wide open for any kind of attack (even in his decimated weak state!) and he never took them. She doubted he wanted to try against her life. So it was down to only one option.
His game was to pretend their previous conversation never happened then. Winry realized this fairly quickly, but did not try to call him out on it for only one reason. She too was tired of the endless horrible vicious fighting that had been going on nonstop (even if there was that rare moment of actual beauty- of them not saying mean things to each other, of them developing a transparent mutual understanding which can only unfold so slowly, it would take an eternity of moments to actually become something substantial), she was damn exhausted at going through it for so long…she preferred this so much better. She even began to enjoy his biting yet witty commentary at times.
Winry's breath caught up in her throat, and she gave herself a small thump on her chest, swallowing the cough that wanted to emerge.
At best, he's tolerable. She repeated to herself. When he isn't being a complete bastard!
At the rate he's recovering, he'd probably be fully healed in less than three days. And then what? Would she become his hostage, and go on as if nothing ever happened? Will he just decide to leave her house forever? Kill her? There was so many what if's, and none of them seemed to be a viable option. And really, she wouldn't even have to worry about any of it if only she made him leave right now…but she knew she wasn't going to, no matter how infuriating and annoying he was.
"How can I keep caring for him?" The question actually came out of her mouth, and she gasped slightly, not expecting to her frail-sounding voice break the stony silence. Her heart gave a sudden stop, and the words rushed back into her head, loud and clear. She didn't mean-! Winry's wrench dropped heavily to her work desk, and she clapped her hands to her head, fingers digging into her light blonde hair.
I didn't mean…
"As a caretaker!" She shouted to herself, the need to correct her sentence was so strong, even if nobody else was with her. Her shiny blue eyes shut tight, so tight it gave her a headache. "I meant as a caretaker…as his…doctor…" Words never rang so hollow. But in her mind… the world slowed down enough for her to regain some type of clarity. A sense of dullness to the outside, to sensation and perception. Again her mind asked her the same question.
Over and over.
How can I keep caring for him?
How can I…care for him?
First, she hated him with an undying passion. Then she saw his tears and sorrow, and felt the emotion as it came from her own heart. She offered her friendship to him so many times while was still captive, almost all of those times were all an act.
Except once in which she truly and genuinely wished for him to receive human kindness. And she regretted it, as she got the taste on what would become the worst punishment his cruel mind could ever fathom
...
She killed him.
Cold, hard, uncaring. Yet, immediately afterwards she regretted it more than anything else she had done and could ever do in her life.
...
She saved him.
She literally brought him back from the brink of hell. And now she took care of him. Diligently, as if it was her job. As if she was obligated to do so…not even her parents would tend to someone like Envy.
What sane person would do as much as she did? It was like she was blinded-!
She offered so much from her soul, unconsciously (stupidly), and expected nothing back. How could she? Envy isn't capable of giving, only taking. Take he did…and she let him.
She was asking the wrong question all this time. She already knew how.
A more unspeakable one which always resided so far in the deep recesses of her mind it barely imprinted like a whisper of ink to thin paper, finally resurfaced. The scraping of her chair was so screeching and loud, it made her current headache seem like a slight twinge.
Her legs trembled violently, too much, and soon they tumbled down.
Her knees hit the hard ground, and it hurt. It hurt. Everything hurt. Her vision blurred. Shaking cerulean orbs filled with glassy tears were unable to blink.
Winry figured it out.
… Why do I care about him?
.
.
*When the end is getting closer
And the earth has burned the sky
Now repent cause' it's all over
Just let me die..*
It's finally come. The timelines have merged. My longest chapter up to date. That took a long time, didn't it? After this point, disclaimer : shit will go down.
