CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
I will admit that I was on pins and needles the rest of my day. Sitting down with set designers and trying to use all my might to focus on the performance was not working. Images flashed through my mind of the tricks and flirting that must have been going on somewhere in our great city. Somewhere out there was my fiancé being lured into some Venus fly trap.
I was relieved when I was finished and able to head home for the day. Jacob of course escorted me and kept trying to tell me all the different ways he knew that Edward would never fall for Cynthia Moore's tricks but it just caused me more stress and I finally had to tell him to zip it.
"Tough day?" Embry appraised me the moment I walked into the kitchen.
"You have no idea." I replied.
"Mom, mom oh thank god you're home." Savannah latched onto me. "I have something so incredibly amazing and wonderful to tell you. Please, please, please let me go."
"Wow, what is this amazing and wonderful thing." I asked surprised by her sudden desperation.
She stood practically bouncing up and down.
"Tiana's mom got us tickets to the Justin Bieber concert and she said I get to go. Please let me go." She begged.
I looked up to Embry who looked positively nauseous.
"I was afraid this day was going to come. All right, I'll round-up the crucifixes and you call the priest. Your daughter is in cahoots with dark forces." I said serious.
"Mom." Savannah dragged out the word.
"Why does she gotta be my daughter when she's possessed by dark forces? I specifically remember you agreeing to take responsibility of her when she goes mad. I think it falls under the talk about that special icky time when she is marked by the red beast in her preteen's." Embry replied.
"You guys suck. What's the matter with Justin Bieber?" Savannah put her hands on her hips and stared us down for our jokes.
"You wanna tell her or should I?" I asked Embry.
"Savannah, I know your little friend is probably in love with Justin Bieber but that doesn't mean you have to be. There are plenty of other artists out there that your mom and I could learn to live with. Don't be a sheep!" Embry tried to impart.
"Can I go or not?" Savannah huffed.
Embry looked over to me and even after the good fight, we needed to concede that we had lost. "I will talk to Tiana's mother and if I feel comfortable then I guess so."
Savannah started to squeal and resumed her jumping up and down. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you. You're the best." She screamed before running off upstairs.
I sat down at the bar exhausted. "Why did it have to be my child? Why god? Why?" I cried.
"You know what's going to happen next, right?" Embry asked. "She will want to play Justin Bieber music on our stereos."
"Stop, I can't listen to this." I put my hand up to halt him.
"Then she'll want to play it in our cars." Embry continued.
"NO! Never." I wailed.
"And before you know it; we're the ones being suckered into going to Bieber concerts." He sighed. "Like stabbing my heart with a knife. I had hoped that she would have inherited my music taste." Embry shook his head.
"There's still hope. We still have Gracie." I said optimistic.
We both turned our heads to see Gracie dancing in front of the television to one of the High School Musical movies.
"Never mind." I stated.
We both sat at the bar and drowned our sorrows with some comfort food. Chips, M&M's and trail mix.
Edward walked into the kitchen only a few minutes later and he did not look pleasant.
"I need to speak with you; upstairs now." He looked directly into my eyes and from the tone in his voice I could tell that I was in trouble. That was the same voice he used to use right before he took me over his knee.
I slowly slid off the bar stool wondering what would make him so upset. I knew that he wasn't going to punish me but still it didn't make it easy knowing he was walking right behind me right in prime range of my ass. Why was he mad? I was the one who wasn't told about his lunch date with his ex-girlfriend.
Walking past Savannah and Gracie's bedroom I could see Savannah still jumping around talking on the phone to Tiana. The site would have made me laugh or at the very least smile if I wasn't so worried about what was about to be said to me.
We entered our bedroom and Edward made sure to shut the door firmly behind us.
I turned to him, "So…How was your lunch?"
"Short. Cynthia will not be joining our cast." Edward stated.
I knew it was because of me.
"You didn't have to do that." I replied softly.
"Yes I did. Like I've told you before there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. I'm not about to risk my marri..." he stopped himself and recovered after a second. "My relationship for a movie but I want to ask you something and I want you to be honest with me, Bella."
Uh oh here it comes. I really hope I wasn't cringing. God, how I wanted to reach up and touch my face to check.
"Did you or did you not tell Cynthia that I told you that she was desperate to land me."
Crap.
"Maybe." Now I was most definitely cringing.
"What's the matter with you?" Edward spit.
Gotta get on the defensive.
"She was being so bitchy I was just trying to take her down a peg." I sounded like a five-year old.
"Bella I expect that from her which is why I broke up with her." Edward's eyes burned with fury and his words might as well been spit with fire.
"I can't believe you would stoop to her level. You blatantly lied to her and you made me look like an asshole. She probably thinks that I sat around telling you all about my relationship with her; laughing at her pain."
I didn't know what to say. Suddenly I just felt incredibly guilty. My eyes started to burn from the salty tears but I kept them at bay knowing I couldn't allow them to fall. I didn't feel guilty for what I said to Cynthia; I felt guilty for throwing Edward's reputation under the bus just for the few seconds of gratification I got from seeing Cynthia become as affected as she affected me with her words.
"I'm sorry." I whispered.
Edward looked at me and it didn't look like he was accepting my apology.
"I love you but right now I can't look at you." Edward replied. He shook his head and then walked out of our room.
Okay now the tears could fall. I slid down to the floor and curled myself up into a tight ball against our bed. I didn't know what to do. All I could feel was guilt. Horrible guilt. For the first time I now understood what Alice had always said about the benefits of being in a domestic discipline relationship. I used to think the girl was crazy for saying there was an upside to being spanked now I think I would gladly take it if I knew that Edward would forgive me and talk to me again.
After a little when I finally managed to pick myself up. I went to our closet and changed into something a bit more comfortable and then pulled the blanket from off our bed and set off in search of the dog house that metaphorical couch I had mention previously, had just turned into a reality. It was most definite that that is where I belonged.
I didn't eat dinner and I went the long way to my office to ensure no one would cross my path. It was probably only eight pm but nothing felt better than to just curl up on my couch all snuggled under the blanket to try to find sleep.
Sleep came after another short crying jag. I say short because with all the events that happened today it didn't take much to knock me out. But it couldn't have been more than a couple of hours before I was being shaken awake.
"Come on. Time to go to bed." Edward called out to me.
Half asleep; I shrugged off his touch and turned around to face my couch to snuggle deeper into my blanket.
"I mean it, Bella. Time for bed." Edward said a little harsher.
"No. Just leave me here." I moaned.
"No. I told you; I don't like you sleeping out of our bed."
I turned over to face him. "I didn't think you would want me in your bed tonight."
Edward crouched down next to me. "It's our bed and I want to establish right now that no matter how upset we become with one another it is never okay to sleep in separate areas. I don't want a marriage like that."
"We're not married." I reminded him.
"Not yet but in my mind we have been. Come upstairs."
"Edward, I really am sorry." I started to cry, "I didn't think. I was just…she made me so angry and she was being such a bitch. I wanted to be a bitch right back."
"You don't need to outbitch her. You're better than that. I will continue to hold you at a higher standard." He said directly.
"Will you do me a favor? I know I don't deserve to ask anything of you but please I just feel so horrible. Will you spank me?" I sniffled.
You could see the shock or maybe horror register in Edward's face. "Absolutely not." Now he seemed even more pissed off. He stood up from where he crouched and ran his fingers through his hair.
"How could you ask me that?" he snapped.
"I'm sorry." I replied shaken. "I just wanted this feeling to go away and now all those things that Alice said finally made some sense."
"Fuck, Bella." He shouted and started to walk away; he turned sharply to face me once more. "I will never touch you like that again." He gritted through his teeth shaking a pointed finger directly at me.
I knew that he was stating that he wouldn't touch me but something about his whole demeanor really started to frighten me. I pulled the covers up; shaking beneath them. "I'm sorry." I cried.
He took in my appearance and immediately softened.
"Bella." He walked a couple of steps closer and involuntarily I pulled back trying to burrow myself further into the couch. "Baby, I'm sorry for yelling at you."
He joined me on the couch and tentatively took me into his arms.
"No. This was all my fault. I just keep…fucking up today." I shivered.
"I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. You have to understand honey that touching you like that will never be something I could ever do again. The amount of pain I felt when you were staying with Embry; it was crushing. It scares me to think I could ever feel that way again. I promised you that I would never lay another hand on you and I meant it."
"Just thought that maybe it would make you feel better and me too." I whispered.
"There are going to be times when I'm upset with you. I may yell or say some harsh words and I could walk away but I will never leave you. I told you that I would stop you from becoming a demon bitch and what you did today was really bitchy so that's why I reprimanded you for it. There are many things that you and I no longer practice in regards to Tria Fata but I still honor the foundation of Tria Fata which is to create a fulfilling, safe and loving environment. When I took the oath for you it means that no matter what you may do or what you say; I will never leave you and I will never stop loving you. That's why I feel like we are already married. Of course I still want to make it official because I want the world to know that you are mine."
There was so much to say but I couldn't find a word to start with.
Edward continued. "You could leave me. Every time you are upset and you leave or hide away in our wine cellar; it scares me because there is nothing binding you to me. You never took any oath. You haven't said any vow's. Which is why I am so relieved when you do come back or I find you. I'm scared all the time that you may leave me."
"I would never leave you. Don't get me wrong it has crossed my mind before not because of you but because I still believe that there has to be something better out there for you. Someone better. When we were in Italy after my run in with Cynthia the first time; I thought that having a drink or two would help clear my mind."
"A drink or two? Bella you were drunk." Edward interjected.
"I know but that's just it. It didn't help clear my mind because my mind was already clear. Cynthia was the epitome of everything you should have in a woman. She's gorgeous. She's well versed in Hollywood. I'm sure very well versed in sex."
"But she's not who I want." Edward interrupted.
"If I wasn't so selfish I should have left you then. You made me feel unlike anyone has ever been able to make me feel my entire life. You made feel cherished and I couldn't bring myself to end that feeling. Then when we came back here after Italy and it was made quite clear to me with your publicity team that I was not worthy; I should have left then but you didn't give up on me. When I was at Embry's house I'm sure you must have thought that I never wanted anything to do with you again after what happened however even though I was so upset with you, I was scared that this was the end and that wounded me. Now I look back on everything we have been through…everything I have put you through in the past eighteen months we've been together and I really don't know how you manage to still love me. The patience you have should qualify you for sainthood."
"It's easy when you love that person. Cynthia and I have been broken up for some time and I think that I would know by now that I don't want anything to do with her personally and you should have trusted me. Eventually we will cast someone in that role and that person will be in very close intimate situations with me for the camera. I need you to trust me, Bella. I will never cheat on you. I'm not going to suddenly change my mind and throw away everything that I value and hold dear. Do you trust me?"
"It's not you I don't trust." I sighed frustrated. "I just hate…I hate…" I was unable to spit it out.
"What?" Edward asked.
"I just wish I was more…I wish I had slept with more guys before you."
Edward looked at me in shock.
"That didn't come out right. I mean that if I had had more sex with different guys then maybe I would have been more sexually experienced. I just feel like a complete sexual retard. Cynthia knew right where to hit me with her words. She didn't go for the usual you're fat or a gold digger jabs that most usually say; she knew I was sexually inexperienced and was unable to satisfy you the way she had been able to."
"Why would you believe that?" Edward asked incredulously. "Have I ever said to you that I was sexually dissatisfied with you?"
"Well, no but that's just because you're too nice to." I replied.
"Bella, you are being ridiculous." And then he promptly hit me in the face with a couch pillow. "I'm going to go ahead and let you in on a little secret. Please take it from me since I have had more sexual experience."
"Go ahead; rub it in." I mumbled.
"Stop it." He scolded. "Do you think that sex with me is good? Do you feel unsatisfied? Unfulfilled? When it's over are you sometimes relieved?"
I looked at him like he was crazy.
"I think that sex...with you is like the best thing that ever happened to me. There are days when I wonder how I can go so long without it. To be honest." I added awkwardly.
"When you're with someone, anyone; sex feels good and yes it gets you off but when you're with the person you love and there's that added spark. You feel every touch." Edward placed his hand on my neck and caressed it. "When you can anticipate every move. That moment when you cum and you hear the vocalization from your partner and it makes you want to never stop cuming. There isn't any way you would ever want to go back to random careless sex, trust me."
Just hearing him speak to me in his raspy voice was causing tingling down below and it reminded me that we hadn't had sex in quite a few weeks. I wasn't even aware I was panting. I started to push my thighs together to feel some relief.
Edward held out his hand firmly grasping onto my leg; stopping me.
"No. You don't get relief. You wanted me to punish you for what you did earlier. Then no relief. You can go to bed and know that I don't want you touching yourself and I'm not going to touch you either."
What was this? I stared at up at him; my mouth opening in surprise. It was the very opposite of physical punishment. In this form he wouldn't touch me at all and in some ways this was far worse. He knew that I didn't have to listen to him but he also knew that I had felt guilty enough to do as he asked.
I started to pout and Edward pulled himself from off the couch and held out a hand to me.
"I think it would be safer for both of us if I were to stay here for the night." I replied.
"Out of the question. Do I need to carry you?"
I pushed up from the couch and Edward wrapped the blanket around me to ensure that I didn't get cold since we had to cross the backyard to get to the main house. He took my hand and led the way back. We quietly made sure to not disturb the girls; entered our room. I jumped back into bed as Edward walked off to the closet to dress for bed but he didn't dress per say in fact he did the opposite. He wore his silk black boxers the ones he knew always drove me crazy and had become a signal in the bedroom that we were both about to get lucky. I couldn't believe he would stoop so low.
I turned over. I didn't want to face him. I tried imagining that he was wearing a chicken suit anything that could make him unattractive and make me less horny. But it didn't work. Edward pulled me to him and spooned me and I could feel the silk brush up against my back side and I couldn't help but squeeze my thighs again. Edward reached out and grasp my leg. "Stop."
I whined.
"I know this is hard but you deserve this and I hope next time you find yourself in a situation you will take the high road, understand?" he asked softly in my ear.
"Yes." I replied softly.
"Good girl."
Edward wrapped his arm around me and settled his hand on my stomach lightly rubbing it. It started to growl and he stopped.
"What did you have for dinner?" he asked and I immediately flinched.
"Uh…what did you have for dinner?" My attempts at misdirection failed miserably.
"Bella." He warned. "What did you eat?"
"I…ate my pride." I replied.
Edward huffed and removed the covers. "Come on. Up you go."
"Can't I just have a big breakfast. It's late." I replied.
"No. You know this is unacceptable. UP!"
"So pushy." I grumbled.
"That's right. Something occurred to me earlier when I was down in my study trying to figure out what to do with you. I haven't punished you. I haven't really been looking after you the way I should; mainly because a part of me was scared. After you left me last year it altered the way I think about you and our relationship. I promised you that I would never punish you physically or otherwise and that has led you to do some things that I have been strongly against recently. I still believe that it is my job to look after you and make sure that you follow a certain level of respect and order. Respect to me, respect to yourself and respect to others. So like I said I will not punish you but I won't allow you to get away with things any longer. I pray you will not leave me. I hope you will respect my role in your life. So right now you need to eat something that I might normally look over it but after the past couple of weeks where you have significantly lost weight and been under nourished I will not look past it now."
I stared up at him stunned at his words. I heard every word he said but I had trouble wrapping my mind around it. Edward held out a hand to me, "Will you respect me and allow me to do this?"
I looked at his hand and it was more than just a polite gesture to help me out of the bed this was some unsaid agreement. A handshake. It was about trust and love. Do I love Edward and if I do I should trust that the decisions he makes are for my benefit. After seeing what I was capable of today…
I reached out and took his hand. "Yes."
He tightened his grip in reverence to my decision and I followed him out of our room and down to the kitchen. The neon clock on the microwave read 12:03. It was a new day.
When I awoke later that morning after Edward prepared a ham and cheese sandwich for my nutritional needs; I laid in bed thinking over everything that happened yesterday. Edward was still next to me; his warm body pressed up against mine.
I looked over to the clock and was thankful that it was Embry's week to take the girls to school a schedule we had worked out a while back that we put back in place after my mother decided that it was time for her to head back to my old childhood home. We tried to get her to stay longer but she said she needed to get back to work so with regret she left.
I was amazed at how having her around was such a comfort and help. The girls loved her and it was nice to know that she was here and able to watch after them. I didn't think I could ever trust a stranger to look after my kids. I just hoped that she was able to get on fine now that she was alone. My father gone. My sister gone and I was living an hour away with my fiancé and family. I respected her strength but I hoped she would seek me out if the loneliness became too great.
But back to Edward and our new arrangement. Even now as I stare up at our ceiling, I still didn't know how I felt. Was it the right decision? Would this eventually lead to more problems? Do I really trust Edward in this new role he was planning on taking on in my life?
Edward rolled over and nuzzled his face to my neck and started to kiss me. "Good morning, beautiful."
"Morning." I answered back.
"Is everything okay?"
I nodded.
"Bella, talk to me."
I shrugged.
"That's not talking to me. I want to reinstate our talks. I want you communicating with me again." He declared.
"Just trying to work things out in my head?" I replied.
"What do you need help working out?"
"I don't really understand how this is going to work? What you talked about last night."
Edward pulled me to him and mindlessly ran his hand up and down my stomach. "Well like I said I am not going to physically punish you but I hope that if I ask you to do something or to stop doing something then you will respect me enough to listen to me and know that I am going to be very disappointed in you and I don't plan on tolerating your poor choices and if that means I have to talk to you until I am blue in the face or find a way to stop you; I will."
I sat in silence still unsure how I felt.
"Last night, I asked you to not touch yourself and I didn't touch you. I knew that you wanted relief but I didn't give it to you. Was that too harsh after what you did?"
"No." I replied.
"Good. Does it make you feel better today knowing that because you endured that I have more respect for you and that I completely forgive you?"
Yes. It did. I didn't feel the overwhelming guilt anymore because Edward found a way to help me.
I nodded and Edward kissed my neck.
"It's not my intention to turn withholding sex into a punishment but I will do whatever works to get you to understand that I am not going to allow childish behavior, unsafe actions and or disrespect. Do you think you could allow certain types of punishment back into our relationship for the sake of our relationship knowing that you will experience that freeing feeling of forgiveness?"
I didn't answer.
"I love you, Isabella. Please know that."
I turned my head and looked up into his eyes. "I do. I'm willing to try things your way. I love you too."
The look on Edward's face was adoration, love, relief, and respect. He turned me over and brushed his lips softly over mine. Running his hand up and down my body, seeking passage and as much as I wanted to grant him I was fully aware that I needed to brush my teeth first. I gently pushed him off and tried to relieve myself from his grasp.
"Let me brush my teeth." But he held onto my wrist.
"No. Stay with me."
"Please. I won't feel comfortable until I do so."
Edward released me and I ran off to the bathroom for my morning routine. When I got back Edward had put on a robe which surprised me because I thought he wanted to continue where we left off. He sat on the bed his back to the headboard.
"Okay…I'm back." I announced with an awkward smile.
"I was thinking that maybe we should talk about…the wedding." He proposed.
My smile faltered and I swallowed harshly. "Oh…uh…" I started to look toward the ground trying to think of a way to not have this conversation right this moment.
"What the matter? Where did you just go, Bella?"
"What…would you like to talk about specifically?" I asked still standing at the end of the bed. Edward reached out for me and I almost didn't want to go to him because I knew if he got ahold of me he wouldn't let me leave until I uttered every last thought.
"Bella." He shook his hand at me telling me to take it. I walked over slowly and placed my hand in his and he helped me back up on the bed.
"All right. Now tell me what has you worried." He implored.
"It's funny. I just talked about this with Jacob yesterday." I said.
"Well now you can talk about it with me." He pushed.
"Can you just go and ask Jacob. I don't really fancy having to explain this twice." Edward was shaking his head even before I could finish my statement.
"No. Jacob isn't a part of this relationship. This is you and me and if you have something to talk about regarding our relationship then should be able to bring it to me."
I sighed, "Oh god… look just know that this doesn't have to do with you and it doesn't have to do with me not wanting to marry you. I'm just having some issues that I need to work out before I can think about getting married."
"What issues?" he asked. "I can help."
"No. That's just it. You can't help. This is something that I am trying to figure out and I have to do it on my own." I explained.
"I don't believe that. There is nothing in this world that a person has to do alone. I want to help you Bella and this is going to be one of those times that I am not going to allow you to just get out of talking to me. If you can tell Jacob, you can tell me."
"Mentally…I cant wrap my mind around marrying you right now. I feel like there has to be a balance maintained. I worry that marrying you would make me…happy." I finished awkwardly knowing how stupid I sounded and the look on Edward's face told me how stupid I sounded."It doesn't make sense I know."
"God." I yelled out in frustration. I started to pant and was unable to hold back my tears.
"Baby, it's okay. Just try to explain." Edward said softly.
"I…I…I don't want to be happy. I…worry that I don't know, god or some other power in the universe will see my happiness and take aim at me. Find ways to ruin my life again. I was so happy and then everything happened with my dad and I…I…don't want anything bad to happen with my mom…she's all I have left from my immediate family or what if they take you next or Jacob or the girls, Embry…everyone is like a target to fucking ruin my life."
I don't even think I was using my indoor voice any longer. He asked and it all just started spewing out.
"Jacob says that this feeling will pass but then I have to think about my dad not being there to walk me down the aisle. Do you know how shitty that feels? The whole day at our wedding I will be constantly reminded that I don't have a father to walk me down the aisle. I don't have a dad to give me away. No dad for the father daughter dance. I have no one." I cried.
I used my arm to wipe away the tears and snot that probably was forming.
"Jacob says he's gonna help with finding a replacement but no offense to Jacob he's going to fail. This day is supposed to be about you and me but I don't know how to not think about my dad."
Edward pulled me into his arm. He didn't say one word, he just held me an allowed me to finish my crying. When I finally was able to breathe normally again he spoke.
"Thank you." He whispered.
"Huh?" I didn't understand.
"Baby, I have wanted for so long for you to just open up to me. I don't have the answer to your issue. I want to tell you that you're wrong. There is nothing out there that wants to keep your life unhappy but it doesn't matter what I tell you; I think you just need time. You need time to realize that you're wrong. God does want you to be happy. I can't imagine living in a universe that would feed off your pain. Your dad's death is still fresh and I know since I lost my father that that too takes time. So I will wait. You will be happy again. I am going to help you laugh again. I want to help you smile and I will make that my mission. I know that you already marked Jacob to fail but I know him and his heart and he really is going to do everything he can to find you the best possible person. Just keep an open mind. That sounds hard but please try."
I nodded my head and we continued to lay there. I thought on Edward's words. I wanted them to be true but time would tell.
Edward was right and eventually, I was happy again. I would go on to get married and once more I would be on top of the world. But I was right too, and the next time the target was Jacob.
AN: I wasnt planning on releasing this chapter this soon but after the myrid of dissatisfied reviews from the previous chapter I guess I figured what the hell. This could piss you off more or maybe even satisfy some of you. I have a feeling I am about to get a lot of strongly worded comments. I hope you like it but once again I understand if this story is not to your liking but personally hope that you will continue to read on. At this point I am hoping that the wedding will be within the next five or six chapters so don't worry I do plan on gettin them hitched sooner than later and I think that the replacement that Jacob decides on is a good choice. I'm sure that if you are thinking about it some of you may already try to figure it out. Once again thank you for taking the time to read.
