CHAPTER 29
I lift my head up off of Kate's shoulder and I sniff loudly. I need to pull myself together and think, the answer comes to me in a rush.
"Kate can I borrow your car?" I ask.
Kate nods and immediately reaches for her car keys which are hanging on a nearby hook. She hands them to me with a smile.
"Thank you" I say gratefully, I turn to Luke, "Luke can you trace Christian's cell phone and track him down with it?" I ask, surely he can manage that after all they have managed to track me via mine.
Luke looks hesitant but nods, "Mrs Grey, T said..." he begins.
"Luke I have to make this right" I say firmly, "Now, are you going to help me?" I add.
I see him thinking carefully and eventually he nods reluctantly. "Please, let me call T first and tell him what you are planning to do" he says.
I nod, I don't want him to get into trouble with Taylor for my actions, I watch him disappear into another room to make the call. A few moments later he returns and looks at me.
"Ok let's go" he says.
I turn to Kate and hug her, "Thank you for this I will get your car back to you as soon as I can" I say.
She waves her hand dismissively and we take our leave.
I jump into the driving seat and Luke climbs in beside me and he gives me directions of where to head. I put my foot down and speed off into the night.
I realise where we are heading as soon as we get off the interstate and hit the winding residential roads. Christian has gone to the new house. When we eventually arrive, I key in the number I saw Christian tap in previously and the gate opens, I drive in and park next to the two abandoned SUV's.
"Where are they?" I ask looking around. Luke picks his phone up and calls Taylor once more.
"T we have arrived, where's the boss?" he asks. I see him listen and he looks at me, when he hangs up I wait.
"Well?" I ask as he pushes his phone into his pocket.
"The beach" he says.
I take off before the words have finished coming out of his mouth, I run down through the meadow and towards the shining water of the sound in the distance. My lungs feel like they are going to explode but I keep going. I stop when I reach the beach and I look around frantically, I am panting with the exertion and I don't see anyone to start with, and then I see Taylor. He is watching a hunched figure down by the water's edge and as I walk closer I see Taylor is standing back and Christian is sitting with his knees drawn up and his head on his arms and he is sobbing bitterly. He is totally unaware of Taylor's presence and Taylor is just watching from his position a discreet distance away. He turns to look at me and as he sees me approaching, he steps back further, Luke goes to stand with him as I carefully walk towards my husband.
I don't say a word, as I kneel down next to him and wrap my arms around his shoulders. I feel him stiffen and he ignores me, he doesn't even lift his head when I gently say his name.
"Christian" I whisper, there is no response.
"Christian, please look at me. I'm so sorry Christian, I should never have said that to you, I'm sorry please forgive me, it was cruel and wrong".
I wait hoping for a reaction but there is nothing.
"Christian please" I beg.
"You said you'd never leave me" he whispers his head still tucked in his folded arms on his knees.
"I didn't leave you, I just went to see Kate," I try and reason with him. "Do you want me to stay now or do you want to be alone?" I ask.
"I don't know" he replies.
"Christian, please know that I love you but I don't know what to do when you behave like this, I know it's not your fault but when you shut me out I have no idea what to do for you, I thought I was doing the right thing tonight, leaving you alone and giving you space to get over it, I was obviously wrong, and I know what I said to you at Kate's was totally unacceptable. I swear I didn't mean it, it was said in the heat of the moment, I wasn't thinking, I love you Christian".
I am almost begging but still there is no response from him.
"What do you want me to do?" I ask desperately, I start to pull away from him, as I do so I see terrified grey eyes look at me.
"Don't leave me" he gasps.
"I will never leave you Christian, I promised you that" I say, I shuffle to my feet hoping he will stand with me but unfortunately Christian takes this as me moving away.
"Ana no, please don't leave me" he wails and his hands go to his hair, he stares at me wildly and he turns and the next thing I realise he is on his knees in front of me I stare at him wondering what he is doing.
I reach for him and put my hands on his shoulders, "Christian calm down I'm not leaving, I am just standing up, my legs were going to sleep I had to move them".
I am trying to reason with him but he isn't listening he has completely shut down again I wonder what he is doing and then I notice his stance, it looks oddly familiar. He is on his knees with his hands on his lap and his head down; he is completely still and quiet. Then it hits me he has gone into a submissive stance, I have no idea what to do, what is he expecting me to do?
"Christian look at me" I say, and his head instantly sweeps up and he gazes blankly at me.
"Christian speak to me" I say, as a cold feeling of dread fills me.
"What do you want me to say?" he asks.
Shit, this is not good. I have no idea what to do; I don't want to dominate him, as I hate that whole Dominant/submissive thing.
"Christian please stand up" I say gently and I hold out my hand to him.
He takes my hand and in one fluid movement he is on his feet, but he still doesn't say a word, he is totally motionless, I grasp his hand and lead him to the car, Taylor and Luke are following a discreet distance away. I open the passenger door of Kate's car and motion for him to get in, he does so obediently and I go to climb into the driver's seat. I glance back at Taylor and Luke and they silently take an SUV each and we leave the house.
When we arrive back in Seattle I pull into the car park at Escala, I climb out and give Luke the keys to Kate's car.
"Can you take it back to Kate for me please?" I ask.
He nods and waits, I frown and then glancing back at the car I realise Christian is still sitting inside, he hasn't moved.
"Oh Jesus Christ" I sigh and roll my eyes before I go around to his side and open the door.
"Come on" I say gently and he steps out and takes my hand, we head inside in silence and when we reach the apartment I gesture to the sofa, and he sits down without a word. I sit down beside him and take his hand in mine.
"Christian talk to me please" I say.
"What do you want me to say?" he asks again.
I look carefully at him. I feel bad using this situation to get the answers I want but I can see no other way to do it.
I take a deep breath, "I want you to talk to me, tell me what you are thinking, what your fears are, what you feel and what you want. I want to know if you still want me. I want to know what's going on in your head Christian, I want to understand so I can try and help you".
I stop and wait, still clutching his hand tightly, a pair of desolate grey eyes stares back at me, I continue to wait in silence eventually after what seems like an eternity Christian takes a deep breath and begins to speak.
"I was afraid, I was out of control. I saw Gideon talking to Taylor and I had a feeling something was going on and nobody was telling me anything, and I felt I was being shut out. Then when you told me the reason you were all talking I was really terrified, the fear I felt when I saw him the other day hit me again and I realised then why nobody had said anything to me and that made me feel ashamed because people were afraid of how I would react if knew so then I went to hide because I felt so ashamed and I pushed you away and you left me. You have no idea how panicked I was when I came out of my office and found you had gone. Taylor got a call from Sawyer saying you were at Kate's and he told me you had been confronted by... him, when I heard that I went into a blind panic I didn't want him to hurt you but I was too afraid to confront him, and I felt ashamed of myself that I put my feelings and fears before your safety and I was angry with myself and him for confronting you. I had all these... feelings and they just consumed me. I didn't know what to do, so I came to you, I'm sorry I shouted at Kate I shouldn't have done that, and then you said what you said, and it was true all of it, and I just had to go. I had let you down, you had confronted that animal and I wasn't there to protect you and you had confronted him and shown more courage than I did, I felt useless and I just had to get away. I went to our house and sat on the beach, I heard Taylor arrive then you came. I don't deserve you, you shouldn't have married me. I'm no good for you, you deserve more than me, but although I know I should let you go, I am too much of a coward not to mention too selfish to do it, the fear I feel inside me if you did leave me overwhelms me. I need you more than I need my own existence, but that makes me feel ashamed because I am so selfish" he stops and his head droops.
My head is spinning from everything he has just told me, I think carefully and I touch his face, his head rises and he looks at me uncertainly, I smile at him.
"What am I going to do with you?" I say gently.
"Christian, I need you to listen to me and believe me, first of all what happened to you as a four year old?" I ask.
Christian looks at me but doesn't say anything, so I answer my own question.
"You were physically abused by a drug addicted pimp, you were kicked across rooms, punched, kicked, had your bones broken and had cigarettes stubbed out on you, am I correct?" I wait and he nods at me, so I continue.
"So that happened when you were four years old, and its safe to say those memories stayed with you am I right?" he nods again, I can see he is gradually returning to me and listening carefully to what I am saying, so I press on.
"So, it is also safe to say when you saw that man again for the first time since you were four it brought back terrible hideous memories?" Christian nods again, "Right, when you were four years old did you feel afraid and helpless?"
"Yes I did" he says speaking for the first time.
"Of course you did, and those were the perfectly natural feelings you experienced when you saw that man again for the first time since that time when you were four years old. That doesn't make you weak, or a coward, that makes you a normal traumatised man. When I saw Morton for the first time when I was taken that day, I froze. I know self defence, I can shoot a gun and throw a knife but I froze, because I was reliving the abuse he previously put me through, it's totally normal".
I pause and I watch him consider this, I take a deep breath and continue, "Then you discovered I had left, and I'm so sorry I went to Kate's, I didn't know what to do, I should have stayed, I should have waited and helped you, but I was at a loss I didn't know what to do for the best, and I made a mistake by going, can you forgive me for making that mistake?" I wait and I see his eyes soften and he nods.
"Of course I can I..." I hold my hand up to stop him and I continue to speak.
"Thank you, then your normal coping mechanisms kicked in and you became angry, because that is what you do, you came after me because that is what you do, you cursed and threw your weight about because that is what you do, and I reacted to it, because that is what I do, and I shouldn't have done, and it made me angry and it shouldn't have done. To be fair, that piece of shit had just goaded me and made me so angry and I was still coming down from the adrenalin rush of that, but I shouldn't have said what I said to you, it was cruel and it was totally wrong, do you forgive me for that?" I stop and I wait again.
He nods "Of course I do" he says, he pulls his hand out of mine and he touches my face.
"Ok, well, we both made mistakes, but the way you reacted to that man was not one of them, that was a totally normal reaction and nothing to be ashamed of and it was completely acceptable, do you understand me?" I wait and he nods at me.
"Good, so then if that is the case, and we forgive each other for the mistakes we both made, how do you feel now?" I ask and wait.
I see him think about my question, he looks at me and smiles widely, "relieved, happy that you still want me and that you are not leaving me" he stops as I raise my eyebrows at him.
"Ok, you are not going to leave me because you promised me that you would never leave me" he says.
"And why am I never going to leave you?" I ask.
"Because you love me" he replies and when he says that he flings his arms around me. "Thank you Ana thank you for making me see things clearly" he says.
"You are welcome, but remember I can't help you see things clearly, if you don't talk to me and tell me how you are feeling. You need to talk to me so we can discuss it and work it out, because I am not making a habit out of driving around Seattle and the North West tracking you down to sort things out!" I grin at him.
"Good point well made as always" he says, "I really don't deserve you" he adds.
"Ah ah ah" I chastise and look at him. "What have I said about your self loathing, that is something I won't tolerate Christian, you have to stop thinking that way. You are worth loving, you are worth my love, so now repeat after me, my name is Christian Trevelyan Grey" I stop and wait.
"My name is Christian Trevelyan Grey" he says in an amused voice.
"I am a good man and I am worthy of love" I say.
"I am a good man and I am worthy of love" he repeats.
"I am worthy of the love of my wife, and I deserve to be her husband" I say.
"I..." he stops.
"Go on!" I encourage.
"I am worthy of the love of my wife, and I deserve to be her husband" he says.
"I deserve a happy and fulfilled life and a family of my own and my hopes and dreams to be fulfilled" I say.
"I deserve a happy and fulfilled life and a family of my own and my hopes and dreams to be fulfilled" he replies, he touches my stomach with his fingertips as he says this.
"And I promise to stop having all these negative thoughts about myself and if they do pop into my head I won't brood and I will discuss it with my wife" I say.
"And I promise to stop having all these negative thoughts about myself and..." he pauses
"...if they do pop into my head I won't brood and will discuss it with my wife" I prompt.
"...if they do pop into my head I won't brood and will discuss it with my wife" he says.
I nod my head, "Promise?" I ask.
He smiles and wraps his arms around me, "I promise baby" he says.
We sit in each others arms for a while and I just relish being with him and us being quiet and holding each other, no interruptions and no sexual activity, just being together. We are inevitably disturbed by his phone buzzing, he reaches into his pocket and pulls it out and looks at the screen a huge grin crosses his face and he answers it, putting it on speaker so I can hear it too.
"Gideon my friend, did you get your rocks off?" Christian asks irreverently.
"Christian!" I exclaim, I slap his arm and stare at him, unable to believe he actually just said that.
I hear a laugh come from the phone, "Ah that would be telling, but lets just say I am feeling pretty mellow at the moment," Gideon says.
"Guy's please, too much information!" I protest.
"Hi Ana, sorry – behave Christian!" Gideon says in a mock stern voice which is completely lost when he laughs again.
"What do you want Gideon? Or are you just ringing to brag about your sex life," Christian asks.
I hear Gideon snort with laughter again, "No not at all, I rang because Eva wants to know what that song was – the one you had playing quietly in the background when I proposed to her, she said she liked it and to be honest I wasn't really paying that much attention to it but obviously I'm not going to tell her that".
I roll my eyes as Christian chuckles and then speaks, "It was called A Better Man and it was by Thunder, a British rock band from the early 1990's I have no idea if they are still going or not, but after we talked I listened to it and it felt right, for you guys from my point of view, the reason I know that is because it is exactly how I feel about Ana," he says.
"Do you have it there at all?" Gideon asks.
"Yeah I have the song downloaded on my ipod, hang on" Christian replies and reaches for his ipod and the docking station, he places them on the table in front of us and scrolls through the songs on his ipod.
"Here, I have it" he replies and starts to play it, I listen to it as well, as I thought it was a lovely song from what I heard this afternoon.
"That's a beautiful song" I whisper to Christian when it has finished.
Christian nods "and it is also how I feel since I met you" he says earnestly.
I swallow hard and we wait for Gideon to respond.
"Thank you guys that song is beautiful, I'm going to download it for Eva, so it's by a band named Thunder and it's called A Better Man – that's right isn't it?"
Christian confirms that it is and after a few more words, Gideon is gone.
We sit for a few more moments and then Christian sighs, "I suppose I'd better go and have that briefing with Taylor" he says, "I'd love to know why that pimp has come back into my life after all these years".
I look down "He wants money" I say quietly.
Christian looks at me, "What did he say to you baby?" he asks.
I grasp his hand and relive what he said to me, I see Christian start to get uncomfortable and I grip his hand tighter as I see his anger rising.
"Shit" he says eventually and runs his hand through this hair when I have finished talking, "I'm so sorry you had to go through that because of me" he says.
"Christian stop it" I say firmly.
He looks at me and smiles, "Sorry baby" he whispers and kisses my forehead, "I'll go and talk to Taylor see what we can do" and with that he stands and I watch him leave.
The next day Gideon and Eva head back to New York, we go to the airport to see them off and the talk is of when we will meet up again. The plan is we are heading to New York to spend Thanksgiving with them, and then hopefully we should be in our new home for Christmas and they are returning to Seattle and celebrating Christmas with us there. I see Gideon and Christian are genuinely excited about these plans and it occurs to me that they both were so closed off and solitary and that these family orientated times were probably not pleasant experiences for them. I put this to Eva and she confirmed my suspicions and we plot to make this year the best thanksgiving and Christmas they have ever had.
I decide to head to work to catch up on a few things, Christian protests saying that it's Sunday, but I am feeling beyond guilty about taking so much time off recently. Thankfully he understands and we swing past Cross Publishing on the way back from the airport. I quickly clear the outstanding work which Damien had left for me and I feel much happier that I won't be coming in on the back foot tomorrow morning.
"Do you feel better now baby?" Christian says with amusement as he watches me sigh and push the complete pile of paperwork into the filing tray for my assistant to put away.
I nod, "Yes I do, I don't want to take advantage of our relationship with Gideon, I don't want people to think that because I am friends with him I can get away with things".
"Nobody could question your work ethic baby" Christian says kindly. I smile at him and stand up.
"Thank you Christian that means a lot, ok I'm done shall we go and get some lunch, I'm starving" I say with a grin.
Christian doesn't need telling twice and we leave and head back to Escala where I prepare us a light lunch. The rest of the day is quiet and uneventful. After our talk, Christian seems much more relaxed and forthcoming, I think he finally realises that being open and honest about his feelings is not a weakness and will only make us stronger as a couple.
I call my dad for a chat, which is brief and I get the impression he is watching the TV. I am delighted when he tells me that he has been told that his progress has been so good he will be discharged in time for Thanksgiving. I realise with a jolt that this year will be the first year I won't be spending Thanksgiving with my dad and I feel suddenly sad, Christian notices my demeanour change and frowns. I hang up and he grasps my hand pulling me close.
"What's wrong baby?" he asks.
I shake my head, "My dad said he should be discharged in time for Thanksgiving, and I won't be in Seattle to spend it with him, it will be the first year I haven't spent Thanksgiving with my father and it feels a bit like the end of an era".
Christian looks at me carefully, "I'm sure we can work something out" he says and strokes my back lovingly.
"What about your family?" I ask.
Christian shakes his head, "My parents are going to their place in Montana, and Elliot is spending Thanksgiving with Kate and the Kavanagh's. I have no idea what Mia is doing. She will probably go with my parents".
"What did you do previous years?" I ask, genuinely curious as to how he spent his time over this holiday.
He looks down and shakes his head, "I didn't celebrate it, I spent my time at the office working, it was just another day for me and obviously because it is a weekday my sub wouldn't be part of the equation either so I just carried on as normal. Christmas was much the same and my sub would be with her family that day. I always went for Christmas lunch with my parents but left as soon as I possibly could.
I stare at him, shocked that he dismissed so completely two of the most family orientated times of the year, he looks at me and smiles.
"But this year is going to be different" he says and kisses me.
Song: A Better Man by Thunder
