Chapter 29

She had turned into a ticking time bomb. Every hour they came closer to the full moon Red grew more unstable. Belle tried her best to calm her down, but she wasn't always effective.

It had been a little while since she snapped out of it, like she did, when she curled into the corner of the hallway to keep herself from attacking Belle, but it she wasn't completely lucid still.

There was a constant look of despair in her eyes, a look Belle took as a sign she was as lucid as she would be now. This look disappeared whenever her mind travelled to that place, where the wolf was and her golden eyes filled with hunger, accompanied by a lazy smile. Belle caught herself staring into those eyes for moments at a time. She knew she shouldn't, because it might set off something in Red, but it was hard not to. There was something strangely compelling by the golden irises, something out of this world. Out of the world Belle knew anyway. They didn't possess the softness Red's green eyes sometimes held, but the beautiful shade of cold, golden metal attracted her still. Drew her in when she wanted to run. She still did sometimes. She wasn't blind to the changes the girl had gone through. More often than not Red was someone else. Not the girl Belle had fallen in love with, but a shadow of that person. A shadow with sharp claws and fangs. Belle could still find herself regretting that she didn't leave, when she had the chance, but she pushed it away. She had to work through this shadow of a person until she found the real girl inside, otherwise she felt sure they wouldn't make it. And she would never say this to her, because telling would only trigger her. A lot of the time it was impossibly hard to stay calm. Stay attached. But not when her eyes looked at her like they did now.

"You're staring again, Belle."

Belle diverted her eyes instantly, careful not to jolt. "Sorry."

Red shrugged. "I know it looks weird, it's a part of the change."

"I'm not staring because it's weird, it's… fascinating. You look like you and yet there's something unfamiliar about it", Belle said and after a short hesitation she added: "Doesn't make you look any less beautiful though." Her beauty would never stop being true, no matter how much she changed.

Red scoffed, sounding almost irritated. "You have a weird relation to monsters Belle."

"Stop calling yourself a monster. It won't help."

Red looked like she wanted to say something, but thought better of it. She scratched at the floor a little, making a vague, but annoying screeching at the contact. One nail grew sharper so she could use it. She might be slipping in and out of consciousness, in and out of sanity, but she had learned some kind of control, that much was certain. They were in the stock down in the basement again. Belle insisted they ate often, because hunger tended to agitate Red. If she could keep her full, maybe she could keep the hunger out of the girl's eyes too. The look she sometimes received made Belle nervous. And with Red here she didn't feel so alone. In the light from the friendly candelabra she felt almost comfortable. When Red was lucid anyway. She seemed to be now. She had the despair in her eyes and the restlessness instead of a hungry gaze and the posture of a supercilious predator.

Red looked up, but didn't meet Belle's eyes. Instead her gaze felt on Belle's thigh and the wound. It still hurt, but Belle refused to let Red know that. It never went away, the burning. Sometimes it flared up, usually when the situation was tense. If Red was acting out. Belle was convinced it wasn't just a normal wound. She had had cuts before, but it never felt like this. Pain dulled over time, but this pain didn't waver from the level it had settled to after she poured the potion on it.

Red's claws started growing. They did so when she got upset. Belle had learned very quickly to recognize this sign that she needed to be calmed. It had become one of those things Belle noticed in a matter-of-factly sense and her own emotional detachment frightened her a little. Belle reached out a hand, as if of a habit and put in on top of Red's in a slow, careful motion.

"Red, look at me. It's okay."

She shook her head. "No, it's not."

"It is. Even if you weren't controlled, you still weren't yourself. Look at me." She did. "Do you want to hurt me right now?"

"Don't ask me that", Red whispered and the desperation flared up in her eyes.

"I'm not talking about the wolf. For the past month I've come to learn a thing or two about split personalities Red. You have one tied to your wolf. And you have another that isn't. The first part might make you do things, but I trust the second one, okay?" The second one held the nature of the girl she desperately wanted to get back. She didn't like this emotional distance she had put between her and Red. This distance that told her she had confessed her feelings too soon, because what if they stopped being true? She needed to hold onto that human part of Red.

"I'm afraid the second one is disappearing."

"It won't. I won't let it. But I need you to fight for it too. Otherwise we might not make it."

"Don't you think I'm trying?" Her voice had raised an octave and Belle gently caressed her wrist, keeping her from getting agitated. It seemed to be working.

"I do. But you keep calling yourself a monster, instead of trying to break away from that identity."

"I can't. The wolf is a part of me, I can't be rid of it."

"I'm not talking about the wolf. Your monster is you Red." Red broke away, before Belle could say more.

"It's the wolf that kills, not me!"

"Red you're misunderstanding me", Belle said, forcing herself not to be afraid as the girl in front of her drew into her defenses. "You're not a monster, but you have it in you. I meant it as a metaphor, a bad mindset, a horrible thought that has set root in you. Look at your hands Red. You could just as easily kill now, you have more power than any man even in human form. You have enough strength to keep the wolf in check on your own, but you need to deal with this thought too. The monster in you."

Red relaxed a bit and her shoulders fell. "I don't know how to. You know the fear I told Rumpelstiltskin? It's me, Belle. I'm afraid of myself, because I have no control. I don't know how to get it. It thought I was getting somewhere, but I'm ending up just like my mother."

"But you have something she didn't have. You have knowledge. You saw her and what it did to her, so use it. Turn away from that. Open up."

"It's not as easy as it sounds."

"I know. But you're used to keeping everything to yourself, aren't you?" She nodded. "I bet your mom did too, because we, solely human, can't understand it. But try me. Do something different."

"I don't know Belle…"

"Try it", she begged. "Tell what happened to you. Tell me about the torture."

Her golden eyes widened. It was a little strange how they could look so inhuman and still behave like normal human eyes. "How did you know that?"

"I heard you. Through this wall. It's okay, I can handle it. Tell me about it."

"I'm not sure it's a good idea. The wolf…"

"You can stop, if it becomes too much."

Red sighed. Then she started to explain how he had trapped her to some kind of plank bed and dropped liquid silver into her open stomach. Fear and pain were the easiest way to drag out the wolf, Rumpelstiltskin had said. Belle remembered Red's tortured screams and a lump started growing in her throat, so big she was afraid it would choke her. But she kept it in and let Red talk. Red started clawing at the ground nervously and her eyes flickered around constantly. She was growing agitated. She explained how the wolf broke into her mind during second round and tried to attack Rumpelstiltskin and as much as Belle felt herself momentarily consumed by the wish that she had succeeded to, she noticed the effect reliving the story had on Red.

"Red, stop now. You don't have to say more." Her voice was thick, but it didn't break. Red closed her mouth and crawled back against the wall, hands rapidly opening and closing and her gaze avoiding Belle's. "Red, are you still there?" No answer. Her gaze seemed a little blank. Time lapse. That was the word she had used to describe this state of mind. Belle wasn't sure if it was safe to touch her, when she was in this state. It grew darker around them and Belle suddenly realized the little candelabra was inching itself away from Red. Belle's heart sank. If the enchanted candlestick didn't think she was safe to be around, should Belle move?

Belle slid backwards a little bit and watched for signs in Red's blank face. Her hands kept moving, the claws going in and out, but she stayed put. Belle felt the lump grow impossibly bigger as she watched the curled up creature in front of her. Why did she fall for these kinds of people? Now she found herself trapped between the two people she had loved, each being their consumed by their own kind of darkness. It was too much. Belle sighed shakily, choked down her cries, afraid the sound would disturb Red, but gave in to a few tears. Red couldn't see them anyway.


After a while Red suddenly blinked and her gaze came back into focus.

"Red?"

This time her eyes found Belle's, which had dried up by now. She looked confused.

"Again?"

Belle nodded. Red sighed and loosened a little up in the stiff posture. She looked around as if to check if the surroundings were different.

"How long was I out?"

"I don't know, not long. How are you feeling?"

She shrugged. "Okay."

She sounded different. Her voice was softer and as were her expression. Belle suspected that the time lapses happened in a way for Red's mind to reset itself and try to find its way back to her human self.

"Did I touch you?" She then said, her eyes flickering to Belle's leg and back, so swiftly she barely caught it.

Belle shook her head. "No you just sat there. You seem… more like yourself now."

Red shushed her. "Don't say that out loud, you might scare my sanity away." Then she grinned, briefly, but it was there. Belle's heart fluttered a little at the notion that she really was herself. The despair was still present somewhere in her gaze, but she was completely lucid. Belle wanted to savor the moment, but instead she found herself battling tears again.

"Belle, why are you crying? What did I do?" Her voice was wary and she climbed forward, cautiously. It made Belle's trained nerves send out a small panic signal, but Red didn't crouch into the predatory stance. Instead she placed a hand gently on top of Belle's, like Belle had done just a while before. Only this wasn't done with emotional detachment, Belle could see it in her face. She dried her eyes.

"You didn't do anything. You're just finally, well, yourself. I was afraid you were slipping away completely."

"Hey, not if I have any say. Come on, I told you not to waste any more tears on me."

"They aren't wasted on you", Belle said quietly, chuckling at herself. She felt silly, but when she looked up to meet Red's eyes, she knew Red didn't think she was. Her face was serious and stayed that way when she leaned in to kiss Belle.

Somehow she was keeping the animal at bay this time. She was keeping the hunger down and it was replaced by sweet little kisses, tugging at her bottom lip with a tenderness Belle didn't think the girl possessed. Belle brought her hands to her face, slowly, as if she was afraid the slightest touch would disturb the blissful moment that had suddenly arisen. Red moved a little closer, took one last kiss and broke away with a low hum. She rested her forehead against Belle's. Belle was too stunned to talk and too busy realizing all over again, that she would never have it in her to leave this girl. It might just be the death of her.

"Belle?"

"Mmm?"

"After the full moon, if there's anything lef… if we come out of this okay, will you run away with me?"

Belle's breath caught in her throat as she processed the question. All this time she had been convinced that Red would wander off on her own, as soon as the moon became full, and not look back. This sudden softness, this unexpected question had Belle shocked into complete silence. Maybe it was the prospect of not making it that made her say it.

Red moved away a little, but stayed out of focus from Belle's gaze.

"I know you probably want to get back to your family and I understand if you do, I just… I don't want to lose you. Not after everything that's…" She trailed off. Belle was thinking of her father. Her father, who loved her, but with his fondness of laws and strict enforcement of such never would accept her staying with an outlaw, a werewolf even, no matter what magic kept it contained. A father who wasn't expecting to ever see her again anyway.

"Belle, please say something."

Belle finally found her eyes. She found something new there; a plead, a fragile sense of hope. The thought of never having to live without this girl filled Belle with an overwhelming thrill. It broke her.

"If we get out of here, I will run with you anywhere, Red."

Belle watched as the hope she found in the golden eyes blossomed and despite the odd color Red looked completely herself in that moment. A smile spread on her lips and she kissed Belle again. More eagerly this time, but still with that new sweetness to it. There was only a light touch of ferocity hidden beneath it, just enough to add to the thrill, but not enough to scare. Belle pulled her into a tight embrace, completely forgetting for just one blissful moment, that the girl was a wild creature battling madness. She took in that supernatural warmth, took comfort in it and smiled at the feeling of Red's relieved chuckles vibrating against her neck. For a moment they were just two girls and it would all be okay.

"We should get out of here", Red said, when Belle let her go. "I don't like being trapped in one room."

"We'll move then." They got up and Red reached for the candelabra. It drew itself backwards instantly, away from Red's hand. With a surprised look she reached out again and the candelabra almost jumped back. An irritated look flickered over her face and Belle stepped in. "I'll get it." She reached out for it herself and it settled into her hand without any protest. "I don't think the enchanted furniture likes you much."

"Seems so. The feeling is mutual I assure you", Red said. A growl lingered in her tone and Belle thought it best to drop the subject.

"Let's get out of here. We need to figure out where that book is."

Red looked like she wanted to take the candelabra and throw it across the room, but collected herself and headed for the stairs.

"So do you have any clues yet?"

"Well he must be hiding it inside something, somewhere no one will just stumble upon it. I thought at first that a key would be tied to… me. But I was wrong anyway, so I guess he would use something connected to his family. I think it's in either his son's room or the master bedroom." Belle told her about the reactions she had gotten from stepping into either room. They entered the hallway and started walking slowly towards the entrance hall. They didn't exactly have a destination yet, but as long as they were out in the open Red seemed more relaxed and that was good enough for now. "I'm just afraid that if I try one of them and I don't find it, he won't let me go into the other. He clearly don't want us finding it, and I bet it wouldn't take him long to move it to somewhere else and then we'll have to start all over. We really have to get it right the first time. And we need him distracted, so he won't interrupt, while we figure out the spell to reverse the magic. My first thought was that maybe you could distract him, and I'll try with the spell, being the reader and all, but now I don't know if you-"

"With pleasure", Red interrupted and a wicked smile drew on her lips. For a moment her eyes turned hard. Belle had no doubt she hated Rumpelstiltskin, but she didn't like seeing it expressed so vividly. She looked at Belle and her features grew softer again. "I think he's getting weaker. I'm not entirely sure, if it's true, but it felt like it at the end. He had a harder time containing me and it always seemed weird to me that he did thing manually instead of with magic."

"Like what?"

"Like sometimes he just walked through the door, when he could just as easily materialize right in front of me and he often brought the- brought my food in the same way. Sometimes he just did that thing where he snaps his fingers and it appears in front of me, but not very often."

Belle thought about it. She thought about the one kiss he had shared with Rumple and how panicked it had made him. He had accused her of trying to steal her powers and he chose those powers over her. She had been able to see the magic drawing out of him. She had never considered that maybe that process hadn't stopped. She just assumed that the minute they broke apart the counter effect of expressing true love vanished, but perhaps not?

"It makes sense", she said. "The day I kissed him his powers started to drain, which was why he stopped, but maybe the kiss still has its effect."

"You know, not that that I'm jealous of that evil bastard, but I'd really love to not hear about your romance with him."

"Sorry I was just trying to make sense of it. But Red…" She reached out for the other girl, caught her by the wrist and turned her around. She was met with cold, golden eyes and for a moment she didn't dare speaking. It was like when they first got here and Red had grown quiet and distant. Belle knew a large part of it was the wolf trying to break through, but just being here in itself did something to her. The dark magic in the walls everywhere must be weighing her down somehow. Belle pulled herself together. "Red, you know I meant what I said, right? I love you, not him. Not anymore. Not after all that has happened. He has caused me too much pain and I don't want him back, okay?"

"I've caused you pain too."

"That's different."

"How is it different? I get that that something in him, the second soul or whatever you call it, drove you away, but I have one of those too, you know."

Belle sighed. In a way, she was right. They both had that dark side, they were both close to completely consumed by it. But there was an important thing they didn't have in common.

"The difference is that you're trying. Red, he just gave up and let it consume him, but you fought. You're still fighting to stay human. That makes all the difference in the world."

"It does?" Her features lit up a little bit and the cold stare became a little warmer. "What if I fail?"

"Then I'll know you tried. You're not your mother Red, you'll never be. And as long as you're trying, that's all I ask of you."

An actual smile broke out on her lips. She tugged a strand of hair behind Belle's ear and gave her a look that made Belle feel warm from head to toe at once.

"Thank you. For believing in me."

"Of course Red." Belle reached out and touched the other girl's hand gently. She was always hesitant now. This could count as extreme emotions. At least it felt like that to Belle. This could trigger her. But she seemed peaceful now. Belle dared tracing the skin of her arms, her shoulder and she wowed her finger into Red's dark hair. Red smiled and let her do it. Perhaps this was what Red meant, when she said Belle could keep the wolf subdued. She would gladly have stayed like that forever. She was aware that Rumpelstiltskin might be watching somewhere, but what difference did that make now? Let him see. Let him know there was a possibility, he might just lose his game.


Bliss wasn't an easy thing to hold onto within these walls. Soon after they had let go of each other Red's bad mood started coming back. It wasn't exactly a dangerous mood, because her nails and teeth stayed normal and the trembling wasn't that bad. She was just agitated. Still, Belle wondered how long it would last. They hadn't come closer to a solution. Red couldn't tell much of what Rumpelstiltskin had said. The second soul hadn't given them many clues. Only that it spoke of Milah. This felt significant. The way the castle was pushing Belle out. Yet, Rumpelstiltskin himself had forced her out of his son's room.

"I guess it comes down to who has most power: Rumpelstiltskin or the second soul", Belle said. She wasn't sure if Red was listening. Her focus didn't last for very long periods at a time. "And how many potential hiding spots in each room. I wish I understood dark magic better maybe that would help."

"I'd like as little to do with dark magic as possible", Red announced and a shiver shook her body. Belle thought she might be thinking of the torture. She couldn't blame her.

"I know, it would just be nice to understand it a little bit."

"I'm sure he has a book somewhere." She sounded irritated.

Belle shot a glance at her. She was looking the other way. She had put distance between them and Belle took it as a bad sign.

"Red, are you okay?"

"Fine. Or, I mean as fine as you can be, when you're a mad werewolf."

"Red, please don't talk like that. You know it doesn't help. I-"

"Not now Belle. I can't handle a pep talk right now."

Belle held her tongue then and Red sighed. They walked in silence for a while. Belle tried to figure out which room to go for and where to look. Not to mention how to use the spell. Her mind kept going in a loop and she kept watching Red for signs that she was losing it again. Red was walking silently beside her, looking at walls, looking at her nails, staring ahead. The restlessness was growing, that much was obvious.

Suddenly she uttered a loud growl, too animal to be good, and brought her hands to her head, like a massive headache had just erupted. She bent over, apparently blinded to her surroundings and suddenly lashed out with one hand, breaking a plinth off its hinges and sending it flying down the hallway. The burning pain in Belle's thigh grew a little in intensity and immediately sent Belle's heart racing in fear. She stared wide-eyes at the other girl, who seemed to be slowly regaining control. The next growl was lower and she fell back against the wall, holding one hand to her forehead. Then she drew a deep sigh. Belle said nothing, but stood motionless, waiting for Red to say something.

"It's close." The moon.

"How long?"

"Well, I can't exactly give you a timeline, when I don't know what time it is, now can I?" She snapped. Belle flinched a little. She tried to keep her emotions in check, but she was suddenly more scared that she wanted to be. The burning felt like some kind of warning. "I'm sorry Belle, my head… God, it hurts everywhere and the wolf is just…"

"Is it now?" She dared asking.

Red shook her head.

"I know time doesn't work in here, but can you feel how close? A day?"

"Less."

"Hours?" Belle suddenly felt cold with dread. This was it.

"I think so." She finally looked up. "Belle, you promised me that once the full moon came, you would run. You also promised me that you would run, if things got out of hand, but you didn't. Please keep your word this time."

"There's nowhere to run Red." Her voice came out shakier that she wanted it. Somehow it all just started to feel very real to her. The full moon was coming and it wouldn't just be this human girl with claws and fangs, it would be the actual wolf. The most terrifying sight, she'd ever seen…

"Then go hide somewhere. If I have learned any kind of control, I'll stay away. Go, but don't tell me where."

"You want me to go now?"

Red sighed. "It's for the best." Her eyes changed. "Belle I don't want you to go. But I can't hurt you again. Please go hide and don't come out before you're absolutely sure the moon is gone."

Belle felt a knot in her stomach. She wanted to protest, but there was no way around it. No safe way. She could go to the chambers in the high tower and watch for the sunrise. Something occurred to her.

"Red, what about the hood? Can't you just wear that?"

"I doubt he'll let me. My guess is it's already gone from the entrance hall. He wants me to change Belle. I'm gonna give him the wolf whether I want it or not. I'll try finding Rumpelstiltskin and hopefully I'm strong enough to face him now. If I don't find him, we can look for the hood and the book, once I'm back to normal. If-"

"Don't say it. You will get back to normal, okay?"

Red hesitated. "Okay." She grimaced as pain flickered across her face. "You need to go now Belle."

Belle nodded. "I know. Don't hurt yourself Red. Please try to stay in control."

"I will." In two quick steps she was in front of Belle, pulling her in for a deep kiss, holding her face between her hands. The hunger was back, threatening to take over and Belle fought against the lightheadedness and the creeping anxiety and resisted the urge to either give in completely or run away. Red broke the kiss herself, but didn't quite let her go.

"Why does it have to be so hard", she whispered. Belle wasn't even sure, if she was meant to hear it.

She had to go. "I'll go now. Be good. I love you."

Red nodded and let her hands drop. She opened her mouth to say something, looking Belle straight in the eyes. She stood a second in silence, closed her mouth again, turned around and left. Belle watched her for only a moment, as the figure rapidly disappeared in the dark, before she turned to walk in the opposite direction.