Part Eleven: Distance
Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages.
~Marcel Proust
Jack didn't bother to sit up as three very excited girls – well, Cassie was excited enough for all of them, really – burst into Carter's house. Janet arched a brow at him. "Is that your version of tummy time?"
Grinning with affection, he glanced down at the tiny creature grasping and flailing at his chest as he sprawled out along the couch. "She's on her tummy," he defended, "and mine."
"Nice," Cassie put in.
"When she spits up on your tummy, you'll be sorry," Janet warned him.
He ignored her. "Did you guys find a dress?"
"Boy, did we!" the youngest of them exclaimed. "She looked amazing. Wait 'till you see it! It's got this, like-"
"Ah, ah!" He stuck his fingers defensively in his ears. "I don't want to hear it. I don't want to know anything about it except that it's white and it's not one of those tutu-skirt thingies. Not a word."
When Cassie looked confused and more than a little hurt, Janet explained patiently, "It's tradition, Cass. The first time he sees the dress, it'll be when Sam is walking down the aisle."
"Oh. I'll shut up, then."
"Thank you." Safe, he removed his fingers and returned his hands to their previous employ – rubbing Aimee's back tenderly. He noticed, though, that the one person who hadn't spoken was Carter, and she looked a lot more solemn than the others. "Just don't put it in the nursery closet, huh? I know there's more room in there, but it'll taunt me," he told her.
The look she gave him was something he couldn't quite place. Then Cassie said, "Oh, we didn't buy it yet."
"Why not?" His eyes never left his fiancee.
"Sam didn't want to."
"Oh?" Something heavy and dreadful settled in the pit of his stomach, and he moved the baby aside to kick his feet off the couch and sit upright. Why wouldn't she look at him? Surely she hadn't...
He had the horrible feeling he was about to be glad he hadn't laid out a couple grand on a diamond ring yet.
"We were just supposed to be looking," Sam said softly, still not meeting his eyes.
Jack caught Janet's eyes for a moment, and she seemed to be as floored as he was by her solemn demeanor. "Cass, we should go home and eat some dinner, huh?"
"But I wanted to play with the baby!" the teen protested.
"You know, that's a great idea," Carter spoke up, though her tone belied her words. "Janet, do you think you could take Aimee tonight?"
"Sweet!" Cassie exclaimed.
Whatever was in his stomach rolled sharply, and he clutched the girl a little tighter. No, this wasn't good at all.
"Um... sure, Sam," Janet answered, uncertain. "Let's go get her stuff."
It took them only a few minutes to gather up the requisite items – Janet had some things at her house already – before Jack was left alone in an empty house with a very closed-off woman. She stopped just inside the archway to the living room, and he got to his feet. "Are you okay?"
She nodded.
"Are we okay?"
She blew out a puff of air that hit him like a fist in the gut. That wasn't the answer he'd been looking for. "Jack," she said softly, "a marriage is supposed to be about sharing yourself, right? Full disclosure?"
"I suppose. More or less." The thought was more than a little bit scary, but probably true.
"Then there's something I have to tell you."
"Okay." He sank down beside her as she crossed the room and perched on the couch, staring straight ahead. It reminded him of yet another awkward conversation they'd shared nine months ago, and he wondered what could possibly be so terrible that she couldn't even look at him.
"There was another reason Janet was so overprotective when I was pregnant – the bed rest, the constant med checks. And why I couldn't give her up. I haven't... No one knows this except Janet and General Hammond."
He sucked in a deep breath and blew it out, preparing for the worst. He didn't know what that was yet, but he was fairly certain he was about to find out.
"There's, um... There's a lot of scarring," she said slowly, "from... you know. And Janet was afraid I might miscarry."
"But you didn't," he put in gently, hoping it was reassuring.
"No. But... it also means there's a good chance I might not be able to conceive again. And even if I do... I might never be able to carry a baby to term."
He knew there would be lasting emotional trauma from what had happened to her on that planet, but he'd never really considered the physical, aside from the changes associated with her pregnancy. Part of him was furious that the son of a bitch had done that to her – destroyed her future – but another part was just confused. Why was she so upset now? She'd clearly known this for months.
"I just... I guess I've felt a little bit like I'm dreaming," she confessed. "And looking at dresses today made it real, and I realized that I can't..." Twisting her fingers anxiously in her lap, she drew in a shaky breath. "I know how important a family is to you, and, um... I couldn't let you marry me until you knew. That we might never.... And if you want to back out, I understand. This isn't what you signed up for."
"It's exactly what I signed up for, Carter." Her eyes stayed downcast, but he turned his shoulders to pull her sideways against his chest. "I would love to have kids with you. But I love you. And I love that little girl. And if she's the only one we ever get, then that just makes her that much more special."
Carter lost her fight against the tears then, and one streaked down her cheek as she squeezed her eyes shut. "But... she isn't yours," she whispered.
"Yes, she is," he pressed. "She will be. And I don't ever want to hear you say that again, Carter."
Teary blue eyes finally met his. "You mean that?"
"Quit asking me that. I wouldn't lie to you." Her arms latched tightly around his neck, and he finally relaxed. He knew she was strong, but he'd put just a little too much faith in her ability to bounce back, he supposed, and he wondered how many of these little insecurities were going to eventually bite him in the ass.
It was a good thing he had pretty thick skin. And enough of his own fears and shortcomings to more than balance things out.
"Now, c'mere." Gently, carefully, he shifted her into his lap and nested her body closely into his own.
