Several days passed and Phil was allowed to return home with nothing more than a box or two of painkillers as souvenirs from his stay in the hospital. Dan jumped onto Phil's bed and Phil's body jolted as he was forced slightly into the air. Dan laughed and jumped on top of him, his knees holding Phil's body in place and allowing him to run his fingers through Phil's hair, down his neck and up his jaw line until his hands were on his cheeks. Dan giggled slightly and kissed Phil's lips, thankful that he was now home, ergo, free game. Phil let Dan run his fingers down his chest over his shirt, and lolled his head to the side so that Dan could access his neck and shower him with delicate, dainty kisses. Phil looked up at Dan and noticed the little dimples in his cheeks as he smiled back down at him,
"You're so gorgeous," Phil told him, wriggling his arms free and sweeping Dan's hair from his face,
"No, I'm not, but you… you're adorable," Dan stated with another kiss. Phil sat up slightly and pulled up Dan's t-shirt, revealing the scars and deep cuts beneath, Dan grabbed his shirt from Phil's hands and tugged it back down again, ashamed.
"Oh, Dan…" Phil whispered, using his hands to gently escort his face to look him in the eyes, "It's OK,"
"They're hideous…" Dan whispered softly,
"But I love you, and I'm not going to stop loving you just because of…"
"I'm sorry,"
"You're doing your best, you're not going to just stop something like that just because I tell you I love you. I know it doesn't work like that, and I know that you're slowly getting better," Phil told him, wiping a tear from Dan's cheek,
"How do you know that?"
"Because last time I saw them, there were so many open ones, and right now, there's only four or five, that's an improvement," he said, kissing Dan's neck.
"Is it… is this why you don't want to have sex with me?" Dan asked nervously,
"Dan! No! It has nothing to do with that!"
"Are you sure?"
"We still having talked about that, and um, you know, it hasn't been that long for us…"
"Phil, it's been months. We've done everything else under the sun," Dan asserted with a laugh, glad the focus of their conversation had changed,
"It's just a bit scary…" Phil let out a shy laugh,
"Lion, why is it scary?" Dan asked, bringing a real laugh out of Phil with the pet name alone,
"Dan…" Phil began, "I've never had sex before."
"You… what?" Dan stared in disbelief,
"I'm a virgin," Phil confessed again.
Dan could have sworn that at some point in their friendship or relationship they'd talked about sex and relationships. He was positive Phil had mentioned sleeping with a girl or two… or had that just been an assumption? Phil had fast fallen asleep and was laying peacefully in Dan's arms, occasionally Dan would lean over and kiss which ever part of his face beckoned for it most, but habitually Dan was just silently breathing in the scent of Phil. He stirred slightly and let out a small sigh, Dan smiled at the way Phil snuggled into him even more. He was so happy Phil was back. He was so happy that Phil wasn't shying away from him anymore. He was so happy Phil was there.
"Dan?" Phil's little voice whispered from Dan's chest,
"Yeah?" the younger boy whispered back,
"You're thinking very loudly,"
"I'm what?" Dan whispered with a quiet giggle,
"Shhh…" Phil shushed him, "Stop thinking and close your eyes,"
"I haven't slept properly in days," Dan told him,
"Yeah, but I'm here now, bear…" Phil whispered, slinking his hand around Dan's waist, careful not to hurt him. Dan pressed his forehead to Phil's and kissed his nose,
"I love you, Philip Lester,"
"I love you too, Daniel James Howell."
Dan stepped into the kitchen just in time to watch Phil throw his half eaten apple into the garbage bin, Phil jumped as he turned around and spotted Dan hovering behind him,
"Jeez! Dan!" Phil yelled, panting with a large smile on his face, "You scared the crap out of me!"
"Since when do you not finish your food?" Dan laughed,
"I had a big lunch while you were out," Phil lied and kissed Dan on the cheek, "I didn't know you were home,"
"I bought you something," Dan practically sung, "it's a…" Phil raised his eyebrow in anticipation, "You didn't have to buy me anything," he laughed,
"It's okay, it's just a teddy bear," Dan grinned, pulling the bear from the brown paper bag,
"DAN! It's the second most adorable stuffed animal on this earth!" Phil took the bear in his arms and hugged it tightly, "It's my second favourite bear, too. Right after you," he winked. Phil held the teddy's paw and embraced Dan in a tight hug,
"Are you losing weight?" Dan whispered into his ear, "I feel like you're a lot littler,"
"Is that bad?" Phil asked him, holding his breath,
"No, not at all. You get more and more perfect every day…" Dan kissed him. Phil let out his breath and kissed Dan's neck in return. Once Dan parted from him, Phil watched him wander into his bedroom to scroll through who-knows-what on the internet before departing into his own room and doing something somewhat similar. He sat down on his bed, balancing his laptop on his legs and tried to get comfortable, he flicked his browser open to all of his regular sites and just looked at the screen. He waited a brief moment before switching to the Incognito browser and typing in a single worded play on words, one that he wasn't all too proud of, but one that he had all too recently found himself dependent on;
Thinspiration.
Phil heard Dan's bedroom door open and his footsteps in the hallway,
"Phil, do you want anything? I'm making spaghetti?" Dan called from outside his door,
"No, thanks! I'll eat a little later," he called back, knowing he was lying to Dan for the umpteenth time on the matter. He couldn't tell you what it was that ignited his habit. He couldn't tell you why depended on the flame that was ever so slowly burning away at his life. Though, he could tell you what was fueling it. It was the ever present feeling of inadequacy. The tugging feeling inside of him, knowing that it was just so unappealing, so imperfect – and not in the quirky, cute kind of way. Dan told him he was adorable. His fans told him he was adorable. But he knew… he knew that on the inside, he was adorable. It was his personality, and it was a personality that he was proud of, but on the outside? On the outside, he'd gradually begun to notice that he wasn't physically attractive. He had fat in places it shouldn't be. He was gaining weight, or so he assumed, he was too scared to step on an actual scale. The second that Phil had laid eyes on the girl that had kissed Dan, he knew that the thoughts that occasionally slipped into his mind were right. She was perfect. She was beautiful. She was thin. Thinner than him, of course with the exception of her corporeal female traits. Dan would like him better if he was thinner. Over the past few weeks, the thoughts had transgressed from occasional contemplations to the primary ideologies that constantly and consistently bore its weight in the forefront of his mind. He'd scrolled through and read a lot of content, reaffirming what he already knew: he needed to change. He needed to be better, not just for himself, but for Dan. He needed Dan to look at him without being utterly disgusted. He had to lose more weight. Since this realisation, everything had stood out a lot more, comments from others, how people looked at him, how Dan touched him, how he looked in the mirror, comments online, and how other people looked… He noticed everything. He'd read that it was a mental disorder, he wasn't stupid, he knew what was anorexia and such were, and he also knew that this was different. He was merely controlling himself. For the most part he just wasn't hungry. It wasn't a problem, it was a solution. He felt the heat of the laptop on his legs and shuffled his position slightly before closing the tabs. He'd had enough for today. He couldn't stand to look in envy at the photos on the sites, it was too much. He felt sick.
