Disclaimer: I do not own DGM nor any of the characters
Chapter Twenty-Nine – Voices
Neah…
Always before he had simply been 'the Noah' or 'the 14th' but now there is a name to go with the face, with the voice of the person that has been steadily driving me to the brink of insanity. I would have been happier had I never known his name but then again I would have been infinitely happier had I never known anything about him.
Mana's brother…
There had been so many revelations concerning him, none of them pleasant as far as I was concerned, and now each one of these runs through my mind's eye. Feeling another flash of pain, this time of the physical variety, I sink to my knees on the floor, my hands again moving to grip my head. Fingers interlacing with my hair I grasp it and tug, hoping that this pain will cancel out the pain of a much less bearable variety.
"Allen…this isn't who you are. You know it isn't…"
"Mana you always were the peacekeeper but sometimes peace must be broken…sometimes there is a higher cause…"
"I don't believe that and deep down I don't think that you do either Neah…"
Hearing the two of them converse in my head leaves me with mixed emotions, emotions that I currently do not have the ability to deal with. Hearing Mana's voice before and the disappointment that was contained within was bad enough but now I have to listen to him talk to the brother that had caused me to question the relationship that I'd had with the man that I considered my father.
Had he truly loved me or was it the 14th that he was worried about?
Was the Noah the only reason that Mana had taken me in in the first place?
All of those questions, buried for awhile, now resurfaced and left me again reeling. There are so many things that I do not want to deal with, that I cannot deal with, and yet they are being thrust upon me. Just like the destiny and fate that I had never asked for and yet had been saddled with anyway.
The burden of Innocence…
The burden of the 14th…
Everything was combining together and it seemed almost as though it was conspiring to destroy me in a way from which I could not recover. Probably one of the most melodramatic thoughts that has ever gone through my head and yet there it was.
Whether they meant to or not Mana and Neah were going to destroy me.
And no one was even going to give me the mercy of a peaceful and painless death.
Never before had such a desire entered into my mind, not since the day that I watched Mana die in front of me and heard the man tell me to keep walking. Always those words had been in the forefront of my mind and yet now I was thinking that perhaps it would be better if I did stop…if I stepped aside and allowed the others to continue the fight without me.
To finish what had been started.
Even now there was still a part of me that murderously called out for their blood for getting in my way but that had been largely silenced by Mana's disappointed words from before.
Feeling the beginnings of hot tears prickling at my eyes I disentangled one hand from my hair and used it to fiercely wipe away the tears before they even had a chance to fall. There was no way in hell that I was going to allow myself to cry right now.
I'm not even sure what it is that I'm crying about.
Maybe it's for Mana…maybe it's for my friends…
Or maybe it's for the person that I used to be but that I will never be again.
Any one of those things could be the reason behind it but the reason didn't matter, I still refuse to allow myself to be that weak. I am not going to cry.
I.
Am.
Not.
Those words are thought in my head with a fierceness that I didn't even realize that I possessed and each word was punctuated to further emphasize the determination that lay behind them. So many times in my life I have displayed weakness but in this I am determined that I will not falter.
Something has to give.
In the end it very well may be my sanity.
"Allen…"
The disappointment is no longer apparent in his voice and yet I still cannot get that tone out of my head and it's reflected in that single word even if he didn't mean for it to be. A single tear breaks through my defenses and trails down my face, leaving a trail that's first warm and then cold, as I realize a harsh truth.
…I'm no longer the person that he knew and loved.
Assuming it was ever me that he loved.
"He may not have been perfect but you were the person he loved…none of that was done for me…"
It was the words of the Noah not so much as the voice itself that surprised me and I blinked a few times as my brain attempted to process the words that Neah had just spoken. Rather than using psychological warfare against me and telling me that he was the only reason that Mana had ever cared for me the Noah instead told me the exact opposite…that he wasn't the reason that Mana had cared.
Do I believe that?
I'm not even sure anymore.
There is a war going on inside my head, a war that I am involved in and yet at the same time am simply watching. A war that I'm not sure I want to fight nor am I sure I can win it should I choose to. On some level I think that it may just be easier to give in…
And yet I hesitate.
Why?
A question without an answer, at least not one that I can find. The reason for my hesitation, although I know there had to be one, eludes my grasp.
"Allen… you cannot give in…you must…keep moving forward…"
"That's something that he and I agree on…the only thing is what path will you take?"
I DON'T KNOOOOOOOW!
A/N: Short chapter and the angst is strong with this one lol. What will Allen do? Which voice in his head will win? Please leave a review and tell me what you think.
