"Am I dead?"

"Not unless I'm what heaven looks like."

"Humph, that's a no then."

"Thank God….." said Munch, and then just lest his partner be in any doubt of just how truly sincere in his relief he was he repeated, "… no really, thank God."

"I had the worst dream…" croaked Fin, his throat painfully dry until Munch held out a glass of water and he took a sip from its straw, "… some psychopath walked into the 1-6 wearing a bomb and the world all turned to shit."

"I keep waiting to wake up too."

"So she really did die….." deliberately looking away from Munch as he asked Fin murmured, "….she's really gone? Peach?"

"Fin there are some things I need to tell you."

"Liv? She's….."

"No! No she's….." finding a way to phrase explanation so as not to trivialise the utter ruin he knew Olivia to be feeling Munch added delicately, "…. she's not physically hurt. She went back in but Melinda is keeping an eye on her and they're both okay. Warner just called ten minutes ago to say they found Elliot and he's alive."

"He hurt?"

"They didn't say."

"Okay, okay and Nick?" asked Fin, mentally accounting for all of those in their immediate family. "He doing better?"

"Yeah, yeah no lasting damage….." and then again, the words stung so John rounded their edges, "….well, no lasting injuries."

"Good."

"Fin….."

"Wait….." it only took one look, one glance between the two men for Fin to realise the one name he hadn't called and the one answer he didn't want to hear, "….what about Cragen?"

"Cragen he… I guess he and Rollins were right at the source of the….. they found Elliot in the corridor he must already have left the office to find Liv and he was pretty crushed by the collapse of the internal walls by all accounts but mercifully they at least protected him from the…."

"John are you telling me that Don Cragen's dead?"

"Yes, yes that….." slowly removing his glasses and pinching at his eyes with a lightly trembling hand Munch confessed, "….that is what I'm telling you."

"How the hell did this happen? Why the hell….."

"Why does anything happen?" shrugged Munch, struggling the same way they all were with the cruelly and injustice of it all but dealing with it in his own inimitable way. "Was it planned? Were we the target from the start? Did the guy just get out on the wrong side of bed?"

"If they'd just stayed in the bullpen ten minutes longer, if El hadn't come to surprise Liv….."

"You can't play that game, Fin."

"Are you telling me you aren't?"

"It serves no purpose."

"It's not fair."

"If Cragen had called one of us into his office not Rollins. If we'd been in interrogation. If we'd never got the call from a distressed Yemeni mother to say her daughter was missing and she was terrified of her husband and his cronies ….." shrugging helplessly Munch added, "….heck if we'd all just called in sick today."

"We should never have let that bastard through the door….." chewing hard against his cheek and tasting the metallic of blood Fin grizzled, "….that's on us. That's on me."

"Oh and I suppose the security team and all that screening at the door is just for show is it? There isn't a scrap of culpability on whoever didn't send that intern through the metal detector and rigorous screening process that we've walked through every day since that damn pizza box?"

"Whatever."

"You wanna play the what if game? Okay fine, here's one for you. What if Nick Amaro hadn't been the one in interrogation with Benson?"

"I don't follow….."

"I talked to her. He didn't even hesitate before he threw himself on top of her. The only reason she's not in the bed beside you is because he's an idiot for her the same way we all are. The way we all are for each other. You don't get to blame us for what happened to Cragen and Rollins because the only way we get through this is to find whatever tiny, pathetic scrap of good we can find…" lifting a wrinkled hand to Fin's arm and patting it with an awkward but painfully affectionate tenderness Munch nodded, "….and protect each other while the sky falls down."

"Warner?" asked Fin, hearing the phrase that the medical examiner had used earlier echoed by Munch. "She sticking with Liv?"

"Like glue."

"Okay then."

"Ken called. He saw the news and he's in the cafeteria….." knowing his friend well enough to suspect he was not ready for visitors Munch smiled, "….so just let me know when you're ready to wake up and I'll go fetch him."

"Thanks…" nodded Fin gratefully, before inhaling slowly and asking, "…hey John?"

"Yeah?"

"We survived."

"Yeah, yeah we did."


"You go first, Liv! Hey, hey stand back! Let her through people, let her through, step back!"

Propelling Olivia through the throng of emergency services personnel and dazed NYPD works gathered around the collapsed entrance to the 16th precinct Melinda Warner wore her fight face. Pushing aside obstacles with a firm but gentle insistence she applied the same logic to her designated duty of shepherding Olivia through crisis. She couldn't even begin to imagine what her friend was feeling when, after already insurmountable loss, she watched the paramedics rush Elliot out of the wreckage heavily strapped to a stretcher.

"Keep it fast and fluid, fast and fluid don't jolt him!"

"Tighten that neck brace will you Bill? Are those hip straps on full lock? Watch it! Watch it don't hit one of those potholes it's a spinal!"

"I'm sorry m'am but you're gonna have to take a step back while we load the bus we're ona clock, we're on a clock can you….." with a tense smile the young paramedic held out his forearm and blocked Olivia from getting any closer to the ambulance's open back doors.

"You hear him it's a spinal you damn fools! Keep him level! Keep him level!"

"Crew only! I'm sorry guys but you gotta back the hell up and…."

"Olivia? Liv?" called Warner urgently. As she arrived at the ambulance Olivia was in retreat, doing as she was told and backing slowly away from them as they lowered the back ramp and began the loading process. "Hey!"

"Is this it?" came the exhausted, defeated, almost ethereal exhale from Olivia as she stared with the wide eyes of a lost little girl. "Is this what dying feels like?"

"What!" it wasn't a question, not even a rhetorical one, it was a statement of outrage and disbelief from Warner as she witnessed what which she never had before. Olivia Benson in full retreat, waving a white flag of surrender to the world. "No!"

"He is the one thing…. all the pain and the losing people and the…. it never stops…. but somehow I… he is the one thing….." shaking her head with an accepting desertion of hope Olivia whispered, "…. that I will not survive."

"Olivia look at me? Look at me!" in a rare moment of shrill Melinda grabbed her friend by the shoulders, shaking her with some force and pleading, "Don't do this! Don't you shut down! You haven't lost him! He's in there fighting like hell and he needs you!"

"I..."

"What? Are you just gonna give up? On him? That is not the woman I know. That isn't my friend."

"I haven't I just…."

"I know you are in pieces. I know. You're no stranger to loss and all this is hell. You're in hell. It's unbearable, it is. But Olivia that one thing you can't survive? You haven't lost him. He's right there…" it were as if the world had been enshrouded in a thick veil of impenetrable darkness and then suddenly there was a glimmer, a flicker, a tiny speck of light somewhere just within reach, "…. he's right there Liv and he needs you."

"Elliot….." waking up from the coma of survival Olivia's eyes were wild once more, darting between Melinda and the ambulance, "… ELLIOT!"

"Go! Go! I'll see you down there!"

"M'am you can't…."

"Oh yes I can!" cried Olivia, lodging her boot against the metal step and dragging herself up into the ambulance.

"Hey, hey!"

"I'm his wife!" she ought to have said it earlier, since for all they knew she was just another face in the crowd. Yet despite their instantly backing down and showing no signs of protest it was cathartic for her to declare, "He's my husband and I'm going with him!"


"You don't have to hide it from me Mom."

"I know."

"This was your world too, they were your friends….." reaching for her mother's hand Rachel Warner spoke with a soft empathy, "… these people are your family."

"We had plans, Rach."

"I called the airline and cancelled our flights. I've taken care of everything. It's all sorted."

"I don't just mean that ….." it was only then that Rachel truly understood what Melinda was implying, and that it might be more than their flights she was contemplating cancelling, "….but thank you."

"Mom you don't have to think about all that now. We have time. We have as much time as you need and we can call LAPD and I can call San Diego and….."

"Olivia's a mess."

"Well after what everyone has been through today it's….."

"She hasn't even begun to feel this….." with a grim voice of foreboding Melinda acknowledged that which no one else was ready or able to yet, "… none of them have."

"Yeah….." nodded Rachel steadily, realising that no matter how had she tried she would never understand the loss that her mother and her friends were facing.

"We should get down to Mercy. Fin and Nick are awake and….." distracted from her line of thought by a lonely figure lurking a few meters away Melinda furrowed her brow and turned to Rachel puzzled, "….how long has she been stood there?"

"No idea….." shrugged Rachel, before sighing sadly, "… this place is full of lost souls tonight." And after the two of them had shared a poignant glance Melinda reached for her hand and gave it a firm squeeze.

"Hey, hi…" smiling warmly Melinda tilted her head and asked, "….are you okay there?"

"Fine, fine thanks….." came the quick nod in reply from the blonde with visibly defensive body language, "….this was Special Victims right? 16th precinct NYPD?"

"Are you looking for someone, darling?" looking between her daughter and the slightly dazed looking girl Melinda gently coaxed, "Because there are lists going round and they're setting up a helpline as soon as they can so…."

"No, no I was just passing and saw smoke….."

"Look we should probably get going. You should too….." encouraged Rachel, watching the stranger's pale blue eyes in the moonlight and feeling suddenly, just for a moment, as though she had forgotten everything she ever knew, "….this rain is awful."

"Hey, I'm from Seattle…" came a light, popcorn cracking laugh as the blonde flashed a smile and joked, "… this isn't rain."

"Get home safe…." patting the blonde's shoulder Melinda took her daughter's arm and lead her off toward the car, as Rachel turned back to steal a last glance at the enchanting stranger.


"Hi."

"Hey….." breathed Fin, opening drowsy eyes on seeing Olivia quietly enter his hospital room.

"Hi….. " she repeated, closing her eyes as fresh hot tears slid down dirty cheeks and her shoulders rounded to a defeated hunch. Still wearing the bloodied, dust covered tank top she had started the day in Olivia tugged the cardigan Rachel Warner had loaned her closed around it and folded her arms across her waist.

"You look like hell."

"Shut up!" she gasped, rolling teary eyes and shaking her head wearily.

"El?" wondering why on earth she was there with him and not with her husband Fin waited as she wandered barefoot across the room and came to stand beside him.

"He's in surgery…" she explained with a feeble sigh, "… they pretty much filed an order to stop me going in with him."

"We had a bad day, cheekbones" stated Fin, his dark eyes loaded with all the emotion he was too locked up inside himself to show even to her, "….you hanging in there?"

"I…. I'm…" shrugging uncertainly she choked, "…. I don't know."

"Me neither."

"They fixed you though, right?" she asked, suddenly mortified she hadn't clarified the fact.

"They stopped the bleeding." He replied, saying all that he needed to. He understood her devastation and she had known he would. There were no bandages, no physical treatments that could fix what the night had broken in them.

"Cragen he….."

"I know."

"They're gone. Him and Amanda they….." feeling his hand grab hers and squeeze tight she swallowed, "….they're just gone."

"Munch has gone to see Nick."

"He's doing better?" and when Fin nodded to the affirmative she replied exhaustedly, "Well that's something I guess."

"Yeah, yeah it's something."

"I didn't mean it like that….."

"Hey, hey get in here….." dragging lightly at her arm and nodding down at the space on the bed beside him Fin encouraged, "…. that wasn't a request Liv."

"I told them I was here. They're gonna come find me as soon as he's out of surgery."

"Okay….." murmured Fin, scooting himself sideways and making a space for her in the nook of his arm, "….we'll just wait then."

"Okay." She replied, snuggling her back into the security and familiarity of his bear like frame while attempting to avoid putting any pressure on his abdomen.

"You remember the last time we spooned?"

"I want that on record by the way….." she smiled, turning sideways and pressing a kiss against the forearm her cheek lay on, "…. Odafin Tutuola is a serial spooner."

"You showed up on my doorstep at like 4am after I'd pulled doubles all week and I was in no mood to listen to you whine about Stabler and your woman troubles so I just dragged your ass back to bed with me."

"Woman troubles?" came a quiet, yet audibly indignant voice. "Wasn't I like eight months pregnant?"

"Humph."

"Fin don't think I don't know you're dying inside too….." after a brief, much needed respite the crushing devastation came flooding back and reached her hands to the arm around her waist and held it, "….. we always talk about me but I love you."

"Just don't you ever go anywhere…" it was easier somehow, to hold her but not face her as he confessed the biggest truth in his life, "…. that I sure as hell couldn't survive."

"I can't feel anything, it's all…" wrinkling her nose and hiccoughing through tears she whispered, "… I'm just numb."

"Baby you're better off that way….." kissing her hair he curled both arms around her waist and closed his eyes, holding on to her for dear life, "….. we both are."

"Tighter..." she whispered, closing her eyes and feeling him grant her request and hug her as close as his injuries would allow.


"Hey, hey….."

Reaching across the crisp white sheet that pinned him tightly to his hospital bed Elliot felt life begin to creep back into him as his fingertips settled upon a familiar mane of soft coffee waves. Stroking them tenderly he continued to whisper with a hoarse croak in his voice.

"Hey….." bending his fingers slightly he patted gently at her sleeping head and managed a slightly louder murmur, "….hey sleepyhead?"

"Mmmhmmmm…." twisting her face into the mattress Olivia let out a muted little yelp as the crick in her neck reminded her that she had accidentally fallen asleep several hours later

"How are you still so gorgeous all gross and dirty?" stroking rough hands across her tear stained face Elliot smudged away a smear of mascara with his thumb and flashed her a boyish smile, "You okay? You hurt? How you doing?"

"Hey, that's my line….." she choked, kissing at his hand and closing her eyes and exhaled with a relief that soaked deep into her bones.

"Liv? Hey, hey….." his voice was still a low gravel and his eyes a little dozy from the pain meds but still he pressed, "….eyes please?"

"Sorry…." she whispered, dutifully fixing him with a teary brown gaze.

"I'm not going anywhere….." he vowed, and then because it would have been ludicrous in the light of the day's events not to he added a heartfelt caveat, "… not while there's still breath in me."

"I love you so damn much Elliot Stabler…." she gasped, sliding