Prelude

Chapter 29

Finally. Maybe. I hope.

Reid was actually jumping the gun a little. His physical therapist had told him he'd probably be ready to get rid of the cane in another few weeks after their final session. Reid had taken that as permission, and ditched the cane a few days later.

Well, he said I would know when it was time. So, maybe I know.

Such had been his internal conversation at home this morning. The conversation on the plane was taking a different turn.

"Where's your cane?" JJ stood in the aisle, next to his seat, a disapproving look on her face.

He didn't try to meet her eye. "I don't need it anymore."

"Look at me." She waited him out, satisfied when he finally raised his gaze. "Did your therapist say you didn't need it? Or did "Dr. Reid" decide?" Making finger quotes around his name. She was aware he'd faked his permission to fly several months ago.

"I don't need it, JJ. I've finished physical therapy, and the therapist said I would know when to let it go."

"Spence, just last week I watched you grimacing every time you took a step down the stairs."

"No one said it wouldn't hurt. Just that I wouldn't need the cane for balance anymore. And besides, I'm tired of being a hindrance. I need to get back in the field. We're a man down."

Happily, Hotch had made the decision to return to the BAU. But that return would be delayed, as he attended to the emotional needs of his son. JJ hoped he might also acknowledge his own emotional needs, and attend to them as well.

"Well…. okay. But don't overdo it. You don't want that knee to go out and set you back." She started to walk away, but then turned and added, "And don't think for a minute that I'm falling for that. Your therapist didn't tell you to throw the cane away this week."

Reid barely suppressed a guilty grin. "Yes, ma'am."


He limped his way through several cases, but Reid staked his claim in the field. He may not have been as fast or as agile as the others, but, then, he never had been. So he was just happy to think that he was contributing to the team in the absence of its grieving leader.

He'd been worried that Hotch might not return to the BAU, partly for selfish reasons. He'd worried that the man would founder if he didn't return to the work that seemed to give meaning to his life. But the young agent was also concerned about his own place on the team.

Reid realized that he needed Hotch in a way that the others didn't. He'd already lost a mentor. He'd navigated the rocky waters of Gideon's abandonment only because Hotch had foreseen it, and stepped in. In his more insightful moments, Reid realized his good fortune. Aaron Hotchner was much more grounded than Gideon had ever been. And he knew how to cultivate the talent, and psyche, of each member of his team. He did so with a very young, very inexperienced, very brilliant, junior agent, successfully helping him to mature and grow in his role. But, as much as Reid had established his place on the team, he still looked for guidance, and approval, from his team leader. The possibility of having to move on without Hotch had shaken him.

But, he'd argued to himself, you're an adult. It's long since time to be acting like one. And besides, doesn't Hotch look to you for answers? Doesn't he respect your opinion? You should have at least as much confidence in yourself as he has in you.

Not that Reid didn't trust his knowledge. That was a given. It was the nuances he struggled with. The times when a far less stilted set of life experiences might have come in handy. But Reid's early life had been so unusual, so isolated from the mainstream by his genius and his mother's illness, that he sometimes struggled to apply the vast knowledge that he acquired so easily. For a long time, he'd been better at reading their unsubs than he had their victims.

It was different now. He'd matured in both attitude and ability. He just hadn't let go of the need for external approval. But he knew that his failure to let go added to Hotch's burden of responsibility. For the sake of making the senior agent's return to the team just a bit easier, Reid determined to show his confidence and ability to act independently.

And so it was that Spencer Reid decided to relinquish his emotional crutch, and his walking cane, at the same time.


JJ's weren't the only brows that went up. Reid had just announced that he was going to visit the psychiatrist father of their potential unsub. Announced it. Not asked permission or waited to be assigned. From the angry and accusatory tone of his voice, it was clear he planned to confront the man about why he'd subjected his young daughter to electroconvulsive treatments all those years ago.

Hotch, newly returned to working away cases, was wary. He'd seen some positive changes in Reid, but worried that his genius was acting purely out of emotion this time. Not wanting to squelch the burgeoning show of confidence, but not wanting the young man's brashness to get him into trouble, Hotch assigned Rossi to accompany Reid. The more experienced agent would be able to tame the fire in his younger colleague, should it become necessary.

JJ was thoughtful as she watched the two of them depart. There was something about Spence's tone, and the emotional vehemence behind his words, that was a little...intoxicating. Righteous anger looked good on Spencer Reid.


"Good job, Agent Reid."

Reid barely got his "Thanks," out to Rossi. He felt too overwhelmed. He'd taken a chance, confronting their female unsub's father. On a hunch…a very strong hunch, but a hunch nonetheless….Reid had pursued what seemed a minor detail in the office décor. He'd long since deduced that the man was a pedophile. But how he was going to get that information on the table was another question.

Reid noticed something about the playthings in the office, and mentally made the connection with the playthings their unsub was trying to make of the women she'd kidnapped. He made an educated stab in the dark….and hit his target. Then, armed with the location where the women were being held, he and Rossi met up with a SWAT team on site.

Reid started to defer to the more seasoned agent, but Rossi insisted the young genius finish what he'd started. He'd seen the look of triumph in Reid's face when the father confessed, and wanted to feed the well-earned confidence he knew was growing within.

Once inside, Reid was back on familiar ground. He knew how to speak to the broken. He cajoled the former child victim, enticed her with her old toys, and thus won freedom for her captives. He'd saved three lives, and maybe others yet unknown.

Later, on the plane, JJ overheard a conversation taking place on the other side of her seatback.

"He really didn't need me, Aaron. He had it. And he kept it reined in. I know you were worried about that. But he knew exactly what to show to that son-of-a-bitch, and what to hold back."

She heard Hotch take in and release a deep breath. "You know, I don't know if I'd rather still be needed or not. But…. no, nevermind. Forget I said that. I'm sure. It's 'not'."

Rossi laughed. Keeping her eyes on the magazine in her lap, JJ smiled.


There was nothing like being in front of a room full of sullen teenagers to help wash one's new-found confidence right down the drain.

Reid and Morgan had been sent into a high school classroom to try to break a cycle of suicides happening as part of a bizarre on line game. And the classroom was decidedly resistant. Reid was almost relieved when one of the students made a run for it, and he and Morgan had to give chase.

Their escapee had proven to be their unsub, of sorts. But, as was so often true, this particular unsub was himself a victim, the coerced partner in a bizarre case of Munchausen's-by-proxy. Reid's misadventure in the classroom was forgotten in the tumult of trying to salvage this one lost soul. It wouldn't come without a price, but the teen was removed from the dangerous care of his mentally ill father.


On the plane, Reid's question shook the pensive look from JJ's face.

"You okay?"

"Fine. Why?"

He took the seat across from her. "Oh, maybe because you've been staring out the window and fingering that necklace for the past ten minutes. Maybe because you turned into our resident expert on teen suicide all through this case."

He leaned forward so only she could hear him. "And because I thought maybe it had resurrected some memories…you know?"

JJ closed her eyes and sighed. "It did."

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to be sorry about, Spence. We've had teen suicides before, and we'll probably have them again. I'll get there."

He sat back. "Maybe you will. But, still…I'm sorry."

She sent him a quick grin of gratitude, but wanted desperately to change the subject. They were on treacherous emotional ground, and she didn't like losing her composure in front the rest of the team.

"So, how did it go in the classroom? Any chance we'll lose you to teaching high school?"

That produced the expected snort. "You should have seen them, JJ. No, wait. Scratch that. I'm glad you didn't see them. I'm glad you didn't see me. I must have flashed on every bad experience I had in high school while I was standing up there talking to them."

Except that this time they didn't lure me to the football field and humiliate me.

"Was high school really that bad, Spence?"

He'd not shared with her what he'd shared with Morgan. JJ's own experiences in high school were benign. By the time she'd gotten there, the fallout from her sister's suicide had long subsided.

"I was eleven when I started high school, twelve when I finished."

He saw her eyes widen. "Yes, I did it in two years. And I didn't hit my growth spurt until I was seventeen. I was the shortest kid there, at the same weight I am now. Getting a mental picture yet?"

"Oooh. Okay. I get it now. They weren't exactly embracing of differences then, I guess. "

"To put it mildly. There were some days I felt like I might not survive to graduation."

"But you did." She smiled at the thought.

"Only because of Mrs. Higgins." He looked out the window of the plane, a soft smile on his face.

"Mrs. Higgins?"

"She was one of the guidance counselors. Only lasted the one year. I guess Las Vegas high schools are notorious for doing in their counselors."

"But she helped you?"

He nodded. "She let me come to her office to do my work. She could tell I didn't really need the classroom time, and she realized…..thank God ….that I wasn't safe there. So she kept me away from the others, until I could take finals and get out of there."

It sounded like JJ was finally hearing about one of the few people who'd stepped up to help the young Spencer Reid. And, despite the fact that they would never meet, she decided she was a fan of Mrs. Higgins.

Reid was looking out the window now, reminiscing. "I actually tried to look her up once. But I couldn't find her. I never knew where she went after she left the high school. And I couldn't find any trace of her on line."

"Maybe Garcia could help."

Reid shook his head. "I thought of that. But I decided to respect her privacy. I'm sure she doesn't want all her former students stalking her."

JJ sat back. "Well, if you ever do run into her, tell her I'm glad she took such good care of you."

He was still remembering. "That, she did."

JJ couldn't help but wonder. "Spence….did she know about your home life?" Not understanding why, if she did, she had let him continue to go home to it.

"She knew about it. I didn't have to tell her. I think it was kind of 'out there', you know? The school knew. So did the middle school that I attended for about a minute. And the elementary school. The social workers and the principals all encountered my mother at one time or another. And the social workers sometimes called child welfare. But they always made the mistake of telling me, thinking I would be happy that they were trying to save me. They didn't understand that I would go home and clean things up, and do my damndest to make us look good."

They were at a topic that had long been of interest to JJ. Reid hadn't been home schooled. He hadn't been one of those kids who are completely hidden from society. He'd been known. And, it seemed, his predicament had been known as well. Why hadn't the adults in his life saved him? More to the point, why hadn't he wanted to be saved?

"Why, Spence? If your mother was so sick, why didn't you want the help?"

His look challenged her. "They didn't want to help, JJ. They wanted to take me away. They didn't want to help her at all."

Understanding dawned. "So you made sure you could stay with her, so you could help her."

"No one else was going to do it."

JJ turned her head away, staring out at a cloud-filled sky. Young Spencer had been so attached to his mentally ill mother that he'd rather have lived a meager, crazy life with her than be 'saved' without her. Did it speak to a young boy's empathy? Or was there something unique about the mother/son bond that made it unbreakable? She couldn't help but hope so.

It wasn't long before they had a case that made both of them ask the question all over again.


"I'm a man of science. I put my faith in facts, and statistics. But this….this is as close to a miracle as I've ever seen."

Reid actually reached out and touched Sarah Hillridge in what might have looked like a gesture of assurance. But it wasn't. Ever since his conversation with JJ, he'd been thinking about his mother. And then this case caused all of them to marvel at the tie between this particular mother and her son. This mother who for years had maintained her faith in her son, in his very existence. Who had maintained that faith despite being abandoned by the rest of her family, and friends. Despite having fallen into an addiction to alcohol.

She'd stood fast until she could get others to stand with her. And the first of those 'others' had been a young FBI agent, herself a new mother of a young son.

Now, Reid reached out and touched Sarah, thinking all the while of Diana. In all the years of his youth, and all the years since, he hadn't quite worked out how she'd managed it. How, despite being besieged by her demons, she'd managed to teach him love. And yet, she had.

"With a mother like you, who did all this, I think he'll be fine."

When it was all over, he found JJ in her office.

"Knock, knock."

She looked up from the file on her desk.

"Hey, Spence. What a day, huh?"

He helped himself to the seat beside her desk. "It wouldn't have been any kind of day if you hadn't paid attention to Sarah. You should be proud of yourself. Three families have their kids back because of you."

"Because of Sarah, you mean."

"Because of Sarah, yes. But also because of you. If you hadn't listened to her…. which was hard, I know. She's been here a lot, hasn't she? It would have been easy to tune her out. But you didn't. You listened. And you fought for it. You made the rest of us listen too. You did this, JJ. You and Sarah."

JJ let a small smile cross her face. "I hope they'll be okay. I mean….. I don't know how they can be, they were apart for so long. And Charlie's been through so much. Sarah, too. I don't know…"

"I guess we can't know. But at least they have the chance now."

She put her pen down and leaned back, needing to vent something that had been on her mind.

"I think about Henry, you know? I think about….what if it happened to us? What if we were separated? Could we live through that? And… I just don't know."

Reid shifted himself forward in his seat, leaning his forearms on his knees. "I don't know how anyone lives through most of what we deal with. But they do. And I know that if, God forbid, you and Henry should be separated….well, I know you'd move heaven and hell to get him back. And you'd have company doing it."

She smiled in understanding. "Thanks. I count on it."

She waved away the inference. "Not that I think we'd be separated. But I count on having you on our side, no matter what we're up against. I picked you, after all."

She'd said it to him many times. 'I picked you.' Not 'we', but 'I'. He'd never asked, but he'd noticed.

"Well, you have good taste." It was his standard response in the exchange.

As he started to rise, JJ stopped him.

"Spence..can I ask you a question?"

He teased her. "Technically, you just did. So the correct statement would have been, 'Can I ask you two questions?' or 'Can I ask you multiple questions?'"

"Technically, can I just throw something at you?"

He laughed. "All right, touche. What did you want to ask?"

She was a little uncomfortable bringing it up, but somehow it seemed important for her to know the answer.

"It's about you and your mother."

Even though it was JJ, Reid's defenses immediately started rising. He did his best to tamp them back down.

"What about us?"

She had trouble maintaining eye contact. "I just….I thought it was so remarkable, when you said you'd rather be with her than not, even though her illness was so severe. And I wondered….. how did that happen? How did you and she form such a strong connection?"

He studied her, and the eyes that weren't making contact with his.

"You're not worried about Henry loving you, are you?" Amazed that she would think there could be anyone who wouldn't love her.

She blushed, caught out. "I'm not… That's not true. Of course I am. I think every mother worries about whether her child will love her."

"Well, you shouldn't be. And, to answer your question…..she didn't do anything. I just loved her. She was all I knew. And…she gave me life, JJ. She didn't have to do that."

Briefly, JJ's mind tried to flash on a world without Spencer Reid in it. On her life without Spencer Reid in it. And she was grateful to Diana.

And then she remembered what it had been like when she'd found out she was pregnant with Henry. How she'd tried so hard to make a dispassionate decision, only to be thwarted by overwhelming emotion. And she knew. Maybe she had something in common with Diana Reid after all.

"Yes, she did."

He didn't understand. "She did what?"

"She gave you life because she had to. She fell in love with you before you were even born, Spence. That's how she gave it to you. She may not have been able to express it to you later, but she infused you with it, all during that time you were so connected. She fell in love with you in the womb."

He was quiet, stunned by how much her words resonated with something he'd always felt, but never been able to articulate. His mother had been ill for his entire life. He'd never lived a day with a completely healthy Diana. But he'd known her. Known she was there, locked within. He'd spent much of his younger life trying to release her. But he'd never understood how he'd known her at all.

She watched as a sad smile spread across Reid's face. It brightened when he looked up at her.

"Well then, it seems my godson and I have something in common."


A.N. I watched these episodes again while writing this. That scene at the end of "Risky Business", where JJ tells Hotch about the necklace, is pure gold, as is nearly every scene in with her in Mosley Lane. So wishing we might see more of that JJ one day. I think she's the one Reid fell in love with.