Jedi Kasumi
By Jim Robert Bader
(Featuring characters and situations created by George Lucas and Rumiko Takahashi. This is purely a work of fiction and is not intended to compromise the copyrights of any other creative persons. I have nothing worth suing me for, so please be gentle...)
Episode Thirty-Four.
A Beautiful Mime
The ultimate match between the Jedi Force Masters and the Golden Pair of Kolhotz is finally at hand, but as Ukyo prepares to dress for her part in the competition, she makes a startling discovery concerning the sexual preferences of her opponent, Mikado Senzenen...
Meanwhile, Akane's somewhat reluctant iinazuke, Kodachi Kuno, appeals to Akane and Shampoo for assistance against the unwanted attention of the Sith disciple,
Pantyhose Taro, who has followed her to the sporting arena with the intent of recruiting her for his evil purposes...
Unknown to any save Taro, Darth Purge plans on attending this match where he hopes to catch the Jedi unawares, especially Trieste, who has been persuaded to "dress light" for the occasion by her two loves, Soun and Kimiko...
On her way to attend this match,
Kasumi runs into an old classmate of hers from her middle school days, Ursula Negumo, who is serving as an assistant coach to her bear-like Uncle, and she manages to make quite an impression on Nabiki and Ranma,
who arrive in time to join in this very odd reunion...
Meanwhile, poor Ryoga has been taken captive by the kleptomaniac skater, Shiratori Azusa, and is being held as a mascot for Kolhotz,
making him an unwitting centerpiece for the pending rivalry between the Golden pair and the oddly-paired Force Masters, Ukyo and Shampoo, with a nervous Akane and anxious Kodachi witnessing their match from the sidelines...
It was difficult to think, even harder to concentrate, and for someone trained in the ways of the Sith that was truly nightmarish, like being head-blind and deaf to the word around you. Ryoga struggled to clear his thoughts, to regain his central focus and to make sense of his surroundings, even though his head felt muddled and his ears felt as though they were stuffed with wads of cotton.
He tried to remember how he had come to this position, let alone what his position might be, but it was difficult enough just to think, let alone recall recent events that might lead up to his current state of confusion. More alarming still was the sense that his connection with the Force was presently baffled, meaning that he was head blind on more than one level, and that alone was cause for alarm regardless of the rest of the particulars of his as-yet-
unknown situation.
The Apprenticed Sith attempted to reach down into himself in order to achieve that state of centered calm that was necessary for the mastery of his power, but his center eluded him and his feelings were as scattered as Sakura blossoms blown about by a windstorm. He had trouble just getting his thoughts to congeal into some type of coherent pattern, and all he could manage to achieve for his efforts was to summon up a name and an image into his mind, one that came attached to a wellspring of mingled longing and sorrow...
"U...ky...o..." he managed to get out between unusually thickened lips and a mouth that was not well designed for normal communication.
Much to his surprise a voice that did not sound at all like that of his fellow Sith Apprentice responded in concern, "What is that, Jean-Paul? Are you trying to tell Azusa-chan something important?"
That only added to Ryoga's mounting state of disorientation because the name was unfamiliar with him, and whoever this "Jean-Paul" fellow was, he was quite disconnected to Ryoga's present condition, though the other name of "Azusa" did seem disturbingly familiar, as though he had heard it given in an off-handed passage.
"You just stay there and be a good little friend to Azusa, Jean-Paul," the frilly voice said again as Ryoga tried to mark a face and position past the hazy blur of his vision, "She has to go and win her match against those silly pretenders who want to take what belongs to Azusa, but Azusa will never part with little Georgette, never-ever!"
Ryoga was still trying to make sense of who this Azusa person was conversing with when yet another voice intruded upon the scene with a somewhat brusque tone that began like, "What are you doing in there, Azusa? We're about to begin the match and-UGH! What is that thing you've got in the cage? It's hideous!"
"You don't talk like that about Jean-Paul!" Azusa snapped, clearly turning her wrath upon the new blob who had just entered the field of Ryoga's blurry vision, "You're just jealous because he's better looking than you!"
"That is patently quite absurd, and where did you find this...creature, assuming that is not a mask that he is wearing? Ugh! Even smells like a pig standing on two legs...what possessed your silly little mind to want to claim it like one of your ridiculous keepsakes?"
"That's none of your business, Miki!" Azusa snapped, "And what about other-Miki, your current boy-toy? Is he going to watch you and Azusa-chan compete against those tomboys?"
"Miki-chan will be rooting for my eventual triumph, as always, when I claim the lips of the fair Shampoo and deal thusly with her foolish suitor, the doomed Kuonji. Now come along and get yourself ready, the match will begin in another few minutes."
"Azusa is coming," the female voice sighed, "But she doesn't see what is so special about Mikado claiming yet another kiss from some girl that doesn't interest him, or else if Miki does like girls after all, why has he never tried to kiss little Azusa?"
"I kiss women, not doll-sized waifs," the male voice replied in curt dismissal, "And besides, I might catch something from you. Now be a good little kleptomaniac and come along, we mustn't keep our victims-I mean, our opponents waiting..."
Ryoga had a sense that he was being left alone, but he had overheard enough to fairly alarm him as some residual trace of consciousness caused him to sharply focus the many fragmented pieces of his mind into one coherent thought as he murmured out the name once again, "U-ky-o..." with greater urgency than ever...
And-at that very same moment-the very object of his lament visibly winced and clutched at her head as she staggered under the impact of that incoherent thought projection, which greatly distressed her comely companion.
"Ucchan...you is okay?" Shampoo asked of the cross-dressing former Sith Apprentice.
"Ryoga...I could sense Ryoga just now," Ukyo said as she fought against swooning, leaning on Shampoo for assistance, "He was trying to reach me just now...but his thoughts...they're so...disoriented..."
Shampoo opened her own perceptions then said, "This one senses great danger for Pig-boy...but he more concern about you. Is maybe he think you in some kind of danger?"
"Possibly," Ukyo said as she regained some measure of her own self-composure, "But the fact is he's in trouble and can't make heads or tails of his situation...which-come to think of it-is pretty typical for Ryoga, but in this case...well, I'd say it was safe to assume that he's out of his depth and in need of my help..."
"You want go to him?" Shampoo asked, glancing at the frozen surface of the arena before adding, "Match with Golden Pair about to begin, but if you think you friend need you more than need to stomp on face of pretty boy-thing and him crazy partner..."
"No," Ukyo grit her teeth, "As hard as it is for me to say this, Sugar, but we're stuck facing off in this stupid match and can't get out of it without losing face big time. Fortunately we have a backup plan for dealing with this unfortunate situation."
"Of course," Shampoo smiled, "Akane and crazy Rose Girl do it for us. We leave in their hands while we keep other stupid ribbon girl busy."
"That's one way of putting it, Sugar," Ukyo agreed as they both opened their thoughts to their missing companion, then together projected the mental urge for Akane to tune in on the empathic rapport that they had established with one another...
"Is something wrong?" Kodachi asked of her reluctant iinazuke, seeing the slightly pained expression that just then crossed the face of the youngest Tendo sister.
"Oh yeah...and I'm reading you guys loud and clear," Akane winced, "Like I could miss that broad band broadcast the baka was sending out just now. He's gotta be over this way, which means that I'd better prepare you for a bit of a shock, Kodachi-chan, because when we find Ryoga...well, let's just say it won't be pretty."
"Compared with some surprises that I've had lately?" Kodachi asked in a droll tone of voice as she followed her companion down a corridor leading to the locker rooms of the Kolhotz gymnasium, only they took a different turn from the one that they had taken when parting company with their other two companions.
To no great surprise they found the doorway locked, but Akane easily manipulated the lock with her abilities and pushed her way in, and a moment later the two of them found themselves standing just outside of a object shaped roughly like a large cage under a silken curtain, and when Akane parted the curtain to reveal what was hidden within the sight elicited a gasp of surprise from Kodachi, who stammered out, "What...is that?"
"That," Akane sighed, "Is the Jusenkyo-cursed form of a former enemy named Hibiki Ryoga, only in his case looks aren't all that deceiving."
"That's his face?" Kodachi stared at the pig-snouted visage of the cursed lost-
boy with horrified fascination, seeing a blend between human and porcine qualities reflected in a powerful frame that reeked of masculinity, yet tormented and distorted beyond the recognition of anything that she might have found attractive in the male gender.
"Hey, he doesn't always look like that," Akane reassured the other girl, "Just douse him with hot water and he'll revert back to what passes for normal with him. Guess that Azusa creep really goes in for the exotic looks, not that the poor guy deserves to be caged like some kind of an animal, even if he is a Sith and a trained killer beside this."
"I do not fully understand this," Kodachi admitted, "You say he is an enemy and under some form of enchantment, rather like that old French story of the Belle and the Beast? If so, then how did he come to be here?"
"Probably let his guard down at the wrong time and Azusa snatched him up," Akane remarked as she studied Ryoga with more than ordinary perceptions, "His thoughts are real messed up though, so he's probably been drugged. Let's get him out of there and into the showers, then maybe we can see about sobering him up so Ucchan can concentrate on winning her match."
"That does sound sensible enough," Kodachi remarked as she studied the cage before reluctantly adding, "But...something about this arrangement does not feel right. I cannot put my finger on what it is that is out of place, but the lock seems quite sturdy and those bars are very thick..."
"So?" Akane sniffed, reaching out with a hand and extending her senses into the locking mechanism to undo it as she had to the door, "A little jumbling of the tumblers and..."
All at once they heard a clicking noise, and without pausing to think about it Kodachi reached out and gripped Akane by the wrist, yanking her back even as she held her breath and ducked under the jets of smoke that unexpectedly gushed out towards their faces.
All at once Akane found herself on the floor with her fianc e looking up at the odd-smelling vapors filling the air immediately above them, and then with a mild cough she gasped out, "W-What was that?"
"What I feared all along," Kodachi said, risking a breath before clasping her hand over Akane's face, "Do not breathe in...my guess is the drug will render us unconscious if we breathe it in."
Kodachi then followed her own example and covered her own nose, confident now that her companion had gotten the point as the both of them remained still for as long as they both could hold their breaths, then the pony-tailed gymnast judged the moment right and gasped for air, urging Akane to do likewise, taking several experimental breaths to assure themselves that they were out of immediate danger.
"As I thought...it has dissipated by now," Kodachi said between deep breaths as she sat up and combed her hair back out of her eyes, "We should be safe enough, though I think your friend will be sleeping it off for the duration."
"Wow," Akane remarked as she saw how slumped Ryoga was in his cage, "How did you do that, Kodachi? I never even had a sense that we were in any potential danger."
In response the other girl gave Akane a crocked smile then said, "One advantage in relying on other perceptions besides your Force training...it was exactly the sort of trap that I would have lain if I had intended to ward off unwelcome intruders such as ourselves. Sometimes it does pay to think you're your adversaries in order to anticipate their movements."
"No fooling," Akane said, visibly impressed, straightening up once again before testing the bar to see no other traps or hidden surprises were about to spring out their way. Once convinced it was safe to do so she opened the cage then said, "Help me drag this guy to the showers, and don't worry about having to undress him, he'll be fine enough once we get him under the hot water faucet."
"So you say," Kodachi started to bend down to assist Akane, only to straighten up once again with a look of shock that preceded her turning around and gazing towards the open door, wherein stood a figure that brought mutual gasps from both young women.
"Well, well," Taro remarked as he regarded them smugly, "Looks like the Pig got himself into a mess and needed to get his ass bailed out by a couple of frails. Lucky me to come along at just the right time to catch this...now if only I had a camera..."
Without even being aware that she was doing so Akane took a step forward and placed herself defensively in the space between her "fianc e" and the handsome new arrival.
"What do you want?" she asked, deliberately keeping her tone as even and level as she could manage.
Taro regarded the challenging look of the other girl with a neutral glare of his own and said, "Not that it's any of your business, Skirt, but I came here to share a few words with Kuno-san over there."
"Well tough," Akane responded, not even bothering this time to keep the snarl out of her voice, "Because she doesn't want anything to do with a creep like you, Sith...and where is your scaly-hided master? Skulking around looking to cause trouble?"
This time Taro smiled, baring teeth as might a predatory beast with his dark eyes glaring like he was marking out his prey, "Trouble's my middle name, Tendo-
san, and be careful you don't wind up my latest casualty since I'm not here to pick a fight...just yet. Just step aside and you won't get hurt..."
Akane had her light saber out and in her hand before the sentence was even completed, and with a flick of a switch activated the blue-white beam while holding it at the ready as if prepared to strike within another heartbeat.
"You're the one who'll wind up a casualty if you cross me right now, Taro-san," Akane glared, "Kodachi's under my protection, and if you want to get to her you'd better be prepared to go through me first."
Taro affected not to be impressed by the display of lethal temper and snorted, "Yeah, yeah, I've been through that drill a few times with real experts, Girlie, and what business is it of yours what I do with Kuno-san over there?"
Akane started to say something, only to stop herself in mid-blurt before she could attempt to explain that she was honor bound to defend her own iinazuke. She was only dimly aware, however, that Kodachi's widened eyes were upon her with an openly amazed expression.
"What?" Taro's eyes narrowed, "Wait a minute...don't tell me a skirt-chaser like you's set your mark on my girl? Now that's rich...you and me as potential rivals."
"Your...girl?" Kodachi swerved the focus of her surprise back in his direction.
"Shut your face, Pantyhose!" Akane snapped, "And where do you get off claiming Kodachi as your girl when she came to me for help against you? And if you want to make a match out of it, just try me!"
"Hah, like I can pass up a challenge like that," Taro snorted, glaring at Akane even as the arrogant smile remained plastered on his handsome features, "But I'll give you this, you just impressed the hell out of me, which means I'm gonna get real pleasure out of taking that little torch away from you and planting it up your butt before switching on the beam again. Better yet, I think maybe I'll just break you to my saddle, how do you like that? Then I can have two frails for the price of one...a nice package deal, and I might even win approval from the Boss if you learn to treat me nicely."
"Go to hell," Akane said with an even tone as she fought to master her own rebellious emotions, "And for your information Kodachi belongs with me, so back off...or one of us isn't walking away from this, you got me?"
"Eh...nani?" Kodachi reacted with a gasp.
"Ooo, I'm so scared," Taro mocked, "Now I really am gonna take my time breaking you in half, Frail...but not right now. I've got a pretty tight schedule that I've gotta go take care of, but I'll tell you what, I'll make time to get back to the both of you real soon now. Later, doll-face."
With that the arrogant Sith Apprentice took his leave, but Akane did not relax until she was certain his presence had fully withdrawn from them, and only then did she deactivate her Light Saber, keeping it still close at hand just in case it was needed.
"Is he really gone?" Kodachi asked nervously, less prone to relax since her senses were not as sharp as those of a Jedi Force Mistress.
"For the moment," Akane responded without taking her eyes away from the doorframe.
"I can't believe you frightened him off like that," Kodachi remarked with a vain attempt at regaining her own composure, "I thought for a moment there that he was bound to attack you."
"Don't fool yourself, 'Dachi," Akane replied, "He was facing us in his human form, but if he were serious then he could have switched to his Jusenkyo-cursed identity, and then I doubt even I'd stand much of a chance against him."
"Um...really?" Kodachi swallowed, "Is he...that dangerous?"
Akane decided to risk turning back to the cage to fetch the still unconscious Ryoga, "Oh yeah...I won't lie to you about that, 'Dachi. About the only way I could take him when he's turned into that monster would be a lucky strike in a vital spot. Anything less and...well...it would sure hurt a lot, and I doubt it would get pretty."
"How very...comforting," Kodachi noted, reckoning that her own chances were slim against the arrogant Taro if even Akane felt no confidence in a direct confrontation. But then she switched channels from that unpleasant subject to a somewhat more troubling question, "Did you mean that just now...about wanting to protect me?"
"Huh?" Akane blinked as the two of them shared the burden of Ryoga across their shoulders, "What do you mean? Of course I'd protect you against the likes of him, why wouldn't I?"
"What you said was more along the lines of claiming that I belonged to you," Kodachi explained as they dragged the unconscious boy in the general directions of the Kolhotz showers.
"Uh...did I say that?" Akane asked more nervously, "I mean...uh...well...that is...we are engaged and all that...and even if our folks did mean it as a joke, I'm honor bound to look after you, right?"
"That isn't exactly an answer to my question," Kodachi noted, but decided to drop it at that since neither one of them was clearly prepared to venture farther on that particular subject, so instead they bent themselves to the task of giving the pig-faced boy a bath (which they both felt he especially needed), and for that hot water was called upon, at which point Kodachi would see with her own eyes the effects of a Jusenkyo curse in reverse, which would open up a wellspring of other curious questions for which Akane would find herself being probed for an answer...
"Is something the matter, Trieste-chan?" Soun asked of one of his two lady companions while they sought good seats from which to observe the ice match.
"I am not entirely certain," the Jedi Mistress responded with a slightly distracted air about her manner, "But I am sensing that matters are about elsewhere, and it somehow involves Akane."
"Oh dear," Kimiko sighed, "What else is new? I do hope she hasn't gotten herself into any sort of trouble. This is hardly the time or the place for any such mischief."
"Perhaps I am just being silly," Trieste said dismissively, attempting a lighter tone and manner, "I am not used to dressing out in public in these sorts of clothes, and I worry that I may not be able to draw my Light Saber in time should there be any need for defensive actions..."
"In which case then you can rely upon us to take care of you," Soun assured her, "I know it would have been a bit much to ask you to leave your weapon behind, seeing as it is almost a part of you..."
"More like I would feel truly naked without it, I fear," Trieste smiled fondly at the man beside her, then she felt Kimiko's hand tighten on hers as her dearest friend leaned forward and whispered in a conspiratorial tone of voice:
"Now there is a mental image worth summoning," the Tendo matriarch grinned, "But I think it would hardly do to act that way in front of the children, so perhaps we can put it off until later, hmmm?"
"Oh you," Trieste smiled, but nonetheless she continued to feel uneasy and mentally stretched out her senses in a vague attempt at locating her scattered charges. In truth there was a disturbance in the Force somewhere about this huge auditorium complex, yet with so many unshielded minds surrounding her it was difficult to pinpoint individual cases, save for one whom she knew quite well, which caused her to smile and glance in her direction.
Kimiko was sensitive enough to her companion's thoughts in order to pick up on her meaning, and she too smiled as she caught sight of Kasumi sitting on the benches several rows ahead of where their elders were seated, and at the side of Trieste's favorite charge were her sister Nabiki and their mutual fianc e, Saotome Ranma.
And-seated close beside this trio-both Trieste and Kimiko made out another young woman who seemed closer to Kasumi in age, yet her long blonde hair and half-Gaijin features leant her an exotic air that was quite apart from the curious aura that she manifested. She had unusually bushy eyebrows that set off her oddly beautiful features in a way that gave her a wild and untamed look that suited well her athletic build and general heir of robust good health and vitality. She was also wearing a Kolhotz style uniform yet seemed too old to be a student proper, which added to the curiosity that she presented, being clearly engaged in an animated discussion with Kasumi and her iinazuke.
"So, let me see if I get this straight," Nabiki was saying just then, glancing once in the direction of her mother, father and teacher before resuming her conversation with the blonde athlete, "You think love is just some hormonal-type reaction that our bodies generate in order to trick us into making babies?"
"Nope, that's not what I said at all, Skinny-hips," the blonde replied, "The hormone part is just the effect our bodies have when a guy and a girl meet each other and click, but often it takes a little more time for our brains to catch up with the signals being cast off by our bodies. People tend to rationalize things a lot, but it's hard to ignore the chemistry when we're sending off signals that we wanna get laid with another cute body. Of course there's also the psychological and spiritual components that add the spice to the punch bowl, so when all three click in sequence the effect can be pretty stunning and you get an especially wicked, potent mixture."
"Oh my," Kasumi said, "You make romance sound like mixing a recipe."
"More like a cocktail or martini," the blonde corrected, "And if it has the right sort of kick I say, 'Go for it!' It's rare enough to find a guy or girl who can rock your world, so when it happens you gotta thank your lucky stars and make the most of what the Kami bless us with."
"But...what's it all about, really?" Ranma asked, feeling somewhat out-of-sorts with all this talk about relationships and the mysteries of personal attraction, "I mean...why do people fall in love...or...whatever it is that happens?" he glanced somewhat nervously at his other two female companions.
"Oh, that one's easy, Sport," the blonde named Ursula Negumo answered, "People fall in love because...well...nobody feels entirely complete all by themselves, know what I mean? It's like we're looking for the missing part of ourselves, or the other half of our being. You've heard the saying that opposite attract, right? Well, sometimes that's the case, but sometimes what you want is somebody who shares a lot in common with you, somebody you can do fun things with, who won't bore you to tears or go off and play video games while leaving you to do the dishes."
"Sounds like you've had experience with that," Nabiki shrewdly noted.
"I've been around a few times," Ursula answered, "Always looking for companionship, never quite finding somebody whose got everything that I'm after. It's sort of like trying to find a perfect fit for a puzzle piece, and sometimes we get close, and other times we gotta force the pieces to fit together..."
"Why would we need to force things?" Kasumi asked her former classmate, "Isn't it better to allow things to happen when the time is right and they are meant to happen?"
"Yeah, but we could wait a pretty long time if we're hoping to make a perfect match-up," Ursula replied, "Let's face it, being alone sucks Twinkies and it's better to love the one you're with than to be in love with some ideal that's nearly impossible to fulfill. Trouble is that lots of folks compromise and take the booby prize or the next best thing rather than to wait and see if they've got a good match in the offing, and I've known lots of people who ought never be a couple yet try to make it work against the odds, or some who just give up trying when they've had one too many failures. Way I see it, you don't set your standards too high, but you definitely need standards."
"Standards," Ranma repeated, then sighed, "I don't really get it at all...but, um...well...I guess it is better to have somebody you like to spend time with be with you...but how do you know when it's good enough to be worth getting married?"
"When you figure that one out, Kid, come see me," Ursula winked, "Never felt tempted to make a permanent go of things. I prefer the single life where I get to date who I want when I want and as often as I want without messy commitments. Maybe someday I'll find Mister or Misses right and that'll be the end of my wandering days, but until then...I prefer to enjoy myself and not put up with so many hassles."
"That's a pretty carefree way to live," Nabiki said, "But it also means you avoid the chance of finding real satisfaction. Too many one-night stands would exhaust the heck out of me...not that I've all that much experience on the matter, of course," she hastily added.
"I like you, Kid," Ursula grinned, "You're practical and you're honest, kind of like your boyfriend here, who stammers a lot but gets to the point sooner instead of later."
"I do?" Ranma asked with lifted eyebrow.
"Actually, what I was saying before about how our bodies often govern our choices works just as well for the way our brains sort out those baser impulses that we send out every time we meet somebody who makes us feel horny," Ursula continued, "At root core the basic purpose of dating is a screening out process whereby we eliminate the driftwood to pick out the prize from a whole herd of boobies. Girls like to pretend it's about finding some cute hunk that they can drool all over, but the basic reality is that they're unconsciously sizing the guys up for one thing: making babies."
"That's the part I don't really know so much about," Ranma admitted, "I mean...is it really all about having kids? I mean...isn't there something else that goes on when we...um...do it?"
"Now you're showing your age, Kid, if not exactly the sort of gonads most guys your age are usually drenched in," Ursula informed him, "Guys are practically hard-wired to want to rut with anything that's round and soft with a moist opening, and the packaging is only part of the attraction since the real purpose of all this is to get their girlfriends pregnant so they can perpetuate the species. Of course some guys are just satisfied with the rutting part and don't want to be tied down with having messy things like kids, but even those guys think making babies is a test of their virility...even if they don't stick around to help raise them."
"Oh my," Kasumi remarked, finding Ursula's blunt speech more than slightly disconcerting, though she had difficulty arguing certain particulars of what her friend was actually saying.
"Girls pick guys they think can give them healthy babies," Ursula persisted, "And guys pick girls who look and feel healthy. I've seen it time and again watching the younger girls on campus, always drooling over the latest Bishonen bo-hunk or hard-bodied athlete, but it never really occurs to the silly little twits that the qualities they get the most turned onto are not exactly the same things that make for a stable relationship, let alone a good marriage."
"How exactly do you mean that?" Nabiki asked, intrigued in spite of her own skepticism on this subject.
"Well, think about it," Ursula replied, "Imagine some rock-idol star with long hair and plenty of muscle, dressed up in a ripping outfit that makes him look like an outlaw biker. Of course most girls are gonna look at such a hunk as a good lay, but an outlaw isn't the type who likes to stick around and be domesticated. That's why a lot of girls finally settle down and marry executive salary-man types, the sort who can provide for them and give them a stable roof over their head. It's not romance that wins out in the end, it's the stuff that makes for a more stable and economically viable union."
"Now that's going a bit far, doncha think?" Ranma protested, "I mean, I can't believe it all revolves around having kids and making a family life...I mean, really?"
"You think Prince Charming wins the girl in the end because he's got a great tush to go with a really snug castle?" Ursula responded, "I'm not saying that there's no such thing as romance or a spiritual connection and all that, and maybe there is such a thing as a Soul Mate, or even Love at First sight, though my own impression of the latter often means that a girl is drooling over a hunk without knowing a damned thing about him. Of course there's also the sex that goes with the companionship, but even that gets old and stale after a while, so unless you really enjoy being with a person it won't last very long...so it really pays to have things in common that you can talk about. Otherwise it's fifteen minutes of fun and then the guy rolls over and takes a nap."
"Er..." Kasumi said somewhat uneasily, "But...what about love at first sight? Do you not at least acknowledge the possibility of a spiritual recognition?"
"Oh, I'm sure it happens every so often," Ursula shrugged, "But most of the time it's just gonads getting in the way of rational thinking. Heck, you'd be better off with an arranged marriage, there's at least as much of a statistical chance of that working out as thinking two people should link up because of a first-
time impression."
"Ah..." Nabiki glanced at Ranma and Kasumi, all three of them sharing a momentary look of disquiet upon that particular subject.
"Of course who wants to let somebody else dictate who you get hitched to?" Ursula continued, "That's so old fashioned it's practically archaic. And besides, when other people get to choose who you marry they often use criteria that's got nothing to do with health, wealth, looks or personal attraction. Me, I think that voids the whole argument that a woman gets to choose the father of her kids and leaves things pretty much up to random selection. Much of the time you get marriages between people who are completely mismatched, and no doubt that contributes a lot to the survival of unhealthy genes that should have long ago been bred out of the general population."
"Oh my," Kasumi remarked, thinking about the logical implications of that statement.
"Never took your for a cynic," Nabiki noted with faint amusement.
"Hey, a cynic's nothing more than an optimist who's given up trying," Ursula shrugged, "But really, if it were just about sex then we might as well all stick with lesbianism since our chances are better at finding a girl who'll understand our needs then hoping that some guy will intuitively understand us."
"You mean a woman could understand the needs of another woman better than a man?" Kasumi wondered aloud while trying very hard not to glance towards her sister, fully aware that Nabiki was giving her a very curious expression.
"Well, it's not always the case, but generally...yeah," Ursula shrugged, "I've known girls who wouldn't know how to please themselves if you gave them a manual, and other girls who can rock you like nothing else this side of a ten-
megawatt vibrator, but the reason why we girls aren't all gay is because we can't get pregnant that way, and it's the honest ones among us who'll admit that."
"But if girls can do it with other girls better than guys..." Ranma said slowly as if trying to piece this part of the puzzle together.
"Hey, some guys just have the knack, but they're a statistical anomaly," Ursula shrugged, "Take it from me, there's more stumblers than acrobats out there, and the problem is that nobody teaches these guys to take it slow and get their act together instead of always behaving like they're in a Porn movie. Guys like that think girls like us should just bend over and genuflect to the all-mighty penis, of course they also tend to be legends in their own minds, but why drag out the obvious there, ne?"
"Mind if I ask you something then?" Nabiki eyed the blonde critically, "If you think sex is all about having kids, then why does lesbianism exist in the first place?"
"Population control, of course," Ursula replied, "It's a scientifically verified fact that every mammalian species practices some form of homosexuality, usually when the population's too big and the herd is competing for scarce resources. Obviously having a lot of kids when there's already too many tends to lower the quality of life for those already here, so nature's got a back-up program where some of us get to turn our sexual urges into non-procreative behavior. Of course the religious nuts tend to go bananas about that since they think having babies is a God-given sacred commandment...as if having six billion people already on the planet isn't enough for their liking."
"I think I see your point there," Kasumi replied, "Too much of a good thing...of anything...can be quite unhealthy."
"But the way I hear it Japan isn't in danger of being any more severely overpopulated than it is at the present," Nabiki pointed out, "The birth rate's been falling in most industrial nations, and the only reason why the demographic numbers keep rising is because people are living longer."
"Yeah, but not necessarily better lives," Ursula pointed out, "Medical technology hasn't yet advanced to the point where they can eliminate the whole list of diseases that afflict mostly elderly people, and just how long can any society continue to support an aging population with a shrinking base of wage earners?"
"Uh...doesn't that mean that we oughta have more kids if we need them to keep working?" Ranma carefully pointed out.
"Yeah, but...where's the point of everybody having as many kids as they can pump out?" Ursula shrugged, "Granted about ten percent of all women are infertile and can't carry kids except with special help, but even with all that you get more kids stuck in orphanages than manage to find a stable home life, and I-for one-think it's immoral to bring any kid into the world unless it's going to be loved and healthy."
"Uh..." Ranma squirmed a bit before adding, "I can't really imagine having a kid and not want to take care of it..."
"That's a good attitude to have," Ursula winked again before bumping hips with Kasumi, "Of course I'm not saying that sex with girls is just about curbing the population since I've known lots of lesbians who still want to get pregnant and have babies. Some even make pretty damned fine mommas, but then there's the other kind of girl who doesn't want to be saddled with a kid until they're middle aged and financially well situated. I mean, it's a proven fact that girls who wait before getting married and having kids tend to have better careers and lots better financial options, but the down side of that is that the longer you wait the lower your chances are of having any kids at all. Tough call really...a kid or a career, and most girls want to have it all, but life just ain't that simple."
"But...what I really mean is...what's the point of it all?" Ranma asked, "Are we really just here to get married and have babies?"
"I think what Ranma-kun means is...what are we here for besides rutting and dying?" Nabiki asked, "That can't be all there is to life...it would be a huge waste of time and resources."
"Can't argue with that," Ursula replied, "Personally, I think we're all cosmically linked together with some fundamental source at the heart of all creation...some universe-spanning intelligence that's trying to create an intelligent life form capable of understanding it all...like maybe God's lonely wants to evolve his own companion."
"Fascinating," Kasumi freely admitted, only to shift the focus of her attention as she sat upright on their bench and said, "Oh my...I believe that they are about to begin the match."
"You're right, Oneechan," Nabiki affirmed, "They've got an announcer on the court and she looks like she's about to call this show into order."
Indeed, the Kolhotz referee was indeed a very attractive young woman who took her place at the center of the arena and was busy calling the audience to attention, then making the introductions for the players. She called out the names of the Golden Pair for the sakes of their cheering fan clubs. Kasumi and the others watched in amazement as Kolhotz students individually cheered for both Mikado and Azusa as though they were home town celebrities. It appeared that whatever personal faults the pair might have were obviously neglected as their reputation for being unbeatable winners clearly was thought to be more impressive, and the pair did love to play to the crowd, so much so that one would think that they were heroes and not merely an especially rude and obnoxious pair of social rejects elevated to cult status.
Then it was Ukyo and Shampoo's turn at bat, and though their fan base was small (being composed mainly of students from Furinkan come to watch the novel event) it made up for it by being enthusiastic, enough so that it fairly surprised the unlikely pairing of an Amazon Force Mistress and former Sith Apprentice-cum-
crossdresser.
"Wow," Ukyo remarked in surprise as she took in the cheering throngs that were rooting for both sides of the conflict, "Never thought this little rumble of ours was gonna bring this kind of attention..."
"Aiyaa," Shampoo agreed, equally awed, "No this many people in this one's entire village. Is big turn-out, yes?"
"Guess they're all here to see us whoop ass on those two golden losers," Ukyo remarked, adjusting herself against her momentary bout of stage fright.
"This one think maybe they expect us to get ass kicked," Shampoo remarked before her resolve once more hardened, "Maybe we surprise them, come out on top and show everyone who is better fighter."
"Don't get your victories lined up before we even get started, Sugar," Ukyo cautioned as she turned to regard their opponents, "Wouldn't do to jinx things at this point, even if we are gonna stomp butt on that Mikado creep and his klepto Ryoga-kidnapping partner."
But still as she pretended to give Senzenen her full, undivided attention, Ukyo was privately taking notice of the way her own companion was standing poised on her ice skates in her newly donned outfit, which was a fancier version of her normal Chinese cheosang jumpsuit, only embroidered with fancy stichery that formed a purple-and-gold dragon against a sky blue background. With her long purple locks done up in a somewhat fancier hairstyle than the usual odango ponytails that she seemed to habitually adopt on most occasions, there was something wild and exotic about the image she presented, so much so that a mere glance was all it took to take her breath away and make Ukyo think of her companion in terms ill-befitting an impending field of battle.
She took several deep breaths and reached inside to her center in an effort to calm her racing pulse beat, knowing full well that she could not afford to have sex on the brain when she was about to engage in mortal combat with a professional jerk-off like Senzenen. Ukyo forced her mind back into focus and let the image fill her vision of Senzenen and the really cute guy who had been blowing him just prior to the contest. As curiously arousing as the scene was (for reasons that she found rather surprising) it served to raise a surge of anger in her chest, allowing her to draw upon her Dark Force training since it was obvious that Mikado did not take her all that serious as a threat, a mistake for which she intended to make him suffer.
At her side Shampoo had less difficulty sorting out her own thoughts and priorities, but while Ukyo was clearly drawing upon anger for a weapon, Shampoo allowed herself to be calm and composed, harnessing the spiritual energies that dwelled at the center of her very being. For her there was no conflict between her lust for the cross-dressing Sith and her eagerness for battle for she had been trained to relish the fight as she would making out with a lover. Mikado and Azusa were just two pathetic outsiders who needed punishing and she felt no greater animosity towards them than this, but the one disturbing element that threatened her calm was the memory of what Senzenen had promised to do if she grew careless. Kissing an Amazon against her will was certainly the height of barbaric folly, yet the effect it had produced upon Ukyo was a priceless gem that Shampoo fully intended to savor, proof as it was that her companion was indeed concerned for her welfare.
In truth the idea of going into battle alongside Ukyo excited her since it would be the next best thing to making out with Ukyo between the silken bedsheets. Her love of battle would make this an interesting challenge, but she was even more curious to see what Ukyo would do when it came to the thick of the matter. Perhaps Shampoo would even allow Senzenen to get close enough to attempt to kiss her just to see what sort of a rise it would produce in her companion...but then she thought better of the attempt, realizing that her great grandmother was probably watching and would sternly reprimand her designated heir if Shampoo risked disgracing all Nyanchiczu in such a coy and careless manner.
"How absurd," Senzenen remarked aloud, breaking the mental interludes of both of his comely opponents, "You two are rank amateurs...this will be no contest at all. The lips of the far Shampoo are as good as mine to claim already."
For a moment Shampoo felt her ire begin to rise at the arrogant boast of the pretty-boy, but then her senses flared to life as Ukyo's aura intensified and her anger grew brighter. As much as Shampoo had been contemplating such a thing she was surprised to discover the extent to which Ukyo truly resented Mikado's promised territorial intrusion.
Ukyo balled her fists and glared her hate at the Bishonen fool before her. Oh yes, she had not forgotten his threat to kiss Shampoo, which had seemed a lot more amusing a while ago than it did at the moment, bringing a mental image of how near he had come only days ago to achieving such an event. Granted that the Amazon was an outrageous flirt and loved to flaunt herself in Ukyo's face during their long hours of practice together, (and given that she and Shampoo had been far more intimate in bed than Senzenen even suspected) but still the thought of this Boy-lover laying a finger on the Chinese Force Master's supple and altogether feminine body was enough to set Ukyo's blood to boiling.
As irrational as the emotion was, she felt a surge of jealousy ad fuel to the crimson fires that burned within her, and while with anyone else such emotions would be a dangerous distraction, for a Sith of Ukyo's level of training it meant that Mikado's fate was as good as sealed, for anger gave her focus and a purpose to strike with, and she never attacked with anything less than her full, best effort.
Meanwhile, back in the audience, Ranma felt something strange as he studied Ukyo's profile and said, "Oh man...Ucchan's pissed..."
"No fooling," Nabiki murmured beside him, "We've got readings off the scale, Captain, and if I didn't know better I'd swear she was about to reach around for her Light Saber."
"No," Kasumi said more calmly, "I sense that Kuonji-san intends to do this the hard way, slow and methodical with much punishment dealt out on a physical and spiritual level."
"You mean she's gonna trash his prissy ass?" Ursula grinned, "Now that I'd pay good money to see. 'Course her chances at present don't look too good...she's managing to stand upright on the ice, but Senzenen owns the rink, and that'll tell the difference."
"We will see about that," Kasumi murmured faintly, even as she and her loved ones continued to watch as the match was primed to begin, and then the Referee cried out, "BEGIN!" and the two sets of opponents began to come together.
Unknown to everyone else, however, another pair of eyes viewed the match from directly above the rink, and these narrowed into predatory slits as Darth Purge softly hissed to himself, "Very good, my apprentice...let us see how much you remember of my training."
His presence masked so that neither Ukyo nor Trieste could sense his nearness, Ukyo shot forward with Shampoo towards the Golden Pair, linking hands with her companion as they intuitively moved together in an aggressive move that they had learned at Elder Cologne's urging. All at once Ukyo slowed her pace and let Shampoo surge ahead of her, only to take firm grip of the Amazon's hands so that Shampoo was whipped forward unexpectedly, her legs shooting out like a pair of striking serpents.
Mikado was only mildly surprised at the aggressive attack and had already prepared one of his own when he saw the skates of the Amazon sailing towards him. Azusa had already by this time mounted up upon his shoulder and was in the air before Mikado had to move in order to avoid being slashed into ribbons. As fast as he was he did not fully escape unscathed and felt the brush of skates slice into his shirt without creasing his skin, but even so the cold draft this caused was enough to chill him at the implications, and suddenly a surge of cold anger filled his very being as he realized that the pair before him had much improved their skating prowess,
"Why you...!" Senzenen breathed, only to smile as he saw Azusa complete her arc and come down with skates bared at the unprepared Ukyo.
Her training in sensing danger was the only thing that spared Ukyo from a mashing as she ducked to the side while Azusa struck the spot where the former Sith had been standing. Before Ukyo could regain her bearings the little brown haired Kolhotz skater spun around in a tight arc and came whizzing back towards Ukyo, who was forced to let go of Shampoo in her haste to block this attack that she felt was surely impending.
But Azusa surprised her again by falling down to her knees, displaying an incredible degree of flexibility as she folded backwards and came jackknifing up again under the guard of the cross-dresser, and all at once Azusa struck, not a physical blow this time but rather she skated on past the surprised Ukyo with her true objective clutched tightly in both hands.
"Georgette, Azusa has found you!" Azusa happily declared, holding aloft Ukyo's prize battle spatula as though it were a favored trophy.
"HEY-GIVE THAT BACK!" Ukyo angrily declared, only to suffer a second surprise as she felt something else that was out of place, and then she belatedly saw the other thing that the kleptomaniac skater was clutching and said, "HEY-YOU JACKASS!"
"Paulette!" Azusa happily declared as she held up the blue ribbon that Ukyo normally used to tie her hair back in a pony tail, and she seemed to especially relish how disoriented this made the enraged chef since Ukyo's unbound hair was flying flee about her shoulders.
Meanwhile Shampoo was frantically working to avoid an impending collision with the side railing, calling upon her mastery of the Force to redirect her momentum lest her inexperience as a skater cause her to crash into the wall with bone-
jarring effect. She had almost managed to recover when a figure streaked her way and intercepted Shampoo, catching her up in his arms and literally sweeping her off her feet before she could so much as utter a startled protest.
"I have you now, gentle maiden," Mikado gallantly boasted as he sped across the ring in a wide-arcing half-circle, "And since the fool who claims to be your partner is otherwise preoccupied..."
Shampoo's eyes widened as the boy attempted to kiss her, but she managed to twist her face out of the way at the last second, feeling disgust and nausea momentarily overcome her cool composure.
That was all it took to alert Ukyo to her danger, and like that the chef forgot about her rage against the annoying little thief, Azusa, to redirect the force of her wrath against that even more annoying twerp, Senzenen.
"Why do you resist me, beauteous one?" Senzenen asked even as maintaining his hold against any leverage that Shampoo might use to twist herself free from his embrace, "You know that it is destiny, so why fight the inevi-ARRRGGGHHH!"
Like that he went sailing through the air to crash into the far wall, losing his grip over the Amazon as an infuriated Ukyo snatched her back and slowed her own momentum in order to survey the effect her attack had created. Gone had been her unsteadiness on the ice as she had willed herself across the court in time to reach Mikado, getting one good shot in since the baka had been totally unprepared to meet her fist, which same had been fully backed up by the power of her Force-intensified training.
"Oooh," Ranma winced as he saw this, "That's gonna leave a mark..."
"Laugh that off, Jackass!" Ukyo snarled, no longer even recognizable as the crossdressing girl she had been before, jealousy and humiliation having transformed her aspect into that of a raging demon.
"Ucchan?" Shampoo gasped, surprised and a little frightened at this unexpected transformation.
She was even more disconcerted when Ukyo turned her wrath-filled eyes towards her, and the Amazon felt an unexpected gasp of what felt almost like fear begin to touch her heart as her erstwhile companion snarled, "What the hell did you think you were doing, you little Tease? Were you just gonna lay there and let that baka kiss you?"
"U-Ukyo?" Shampoo murmured in a surprisingly girlish voice.
"You..." and all at once Ukyo stopped herself, surprised to see herself reflected in the eyes of the beautiful girl before her, Shampoo's mental image filled with the sight of the chef's blazing anger directed towards her. It was like dousing cold water over an open flame, and like that Ukyo felt chilled to the bone, sobering up in an instant as she belatedly realized exactly what she had been doing.
"Sh-Shampoo?" she murmured, feeling shame begin to replace her former righteous fury, "I..."
Azusa had been watching all of this with rounded eyes, even more amazed than the audience at the force that Ukyo had briefly employed to dispatch her erstwhile partner. But once the chef had managed to calm herself down and behave more rationally Azusa immediately lost all interest, turning instead towards the fallen Senzenen, who was even then shaking off the effects of being Force-
slammed (albeit he was still a lot more shaken than he dared let on by appearance).
"Miki...are you all right?" Azusa asked as she skated nearer to him.
"Ugh...of course I am, you silly twit," Mikado boasted as he began to push off the ice and regain his footing through an amazing display of resilience and stubborn pride, "It takes more than that to humble Senzenen Mikado."
"Oh come on," Ukyo sighed as she forced herself to look away from her still-
worried companion, "As hard as I hit you? You shouldn't even be standing, Jackass."
"You jest," Senzenen replied as he held up better the more he allowed himself time to recover, "I've taken worse than that in normal training." Of course what he left unsaid was that it had been a VERY long time since anyone had struck him with quite that degree of force and fury.
"Interesting," Trieste murmured to herself from where she sat watching it all with rapt attention, "She mastered her fear and anger and turned them into a weapon, and then she pulled back from the edge of a truly dark chasm through sheer force of effort."
"For a moment there I was afraid that she was about to revert," Kimiko softly noted.
"As did I," Trieste slowly nodded, "But it appears that there is more to Kuonji Ukyo than even I have suspected, and I wonder not if the affection that she shares with Xian-Pu and your daughter might not be at the heart of her transfiguration."
"You are correct, Mistress," Kasumi informed them, "Ukyo has faced yet another test and come away far stronger for the effort."
"Yeah," Nabiki noted, "Only now that she's lost her berserker rage, you think she stands a chance against Senzenen?"
"Odds don't look too promising for that, Short-locks," Ursula remarked, unwittingly earning a cross look from Nabiki.
"Ucchan," Ranma said faintly, feeling concern for his former best friend-slash-
ex-fianc e intensify as he felt the sudden urge to do something about this.
"Ucchan?" Shampoo was murmuring softly to Ukyo as they stood side-by-side regarding Mikado, "Is you all right?"
"Uh...guess I kinda lost it there...sorry about that, Sugar," Ukyo said sheepishly, only to glare at Senzenen once again as the latter coolly regained his full composure.
"How pathetic male jealousy is," the Bishonen skater snorted softly, "You had nothing to fear, I was only going to steal a kiss of the fair maiden and thereby spare you a beating...but now I see that you deserve nothing less than my full unfettered retribution."
"Oh, shut the hell up!" Ukyo snapped, "I'm sick and tired of your prissy little speeches. Listen up, Jackass, 'cause I'm only gonna say this once: 'Hands off of Shampoo,' or else what I just did to you will be a sample of what I'll do if you try that again."
"And why should I listen to anything you say upon the matter, Kuonji-san?" Mikado asked arrogantly, "Should that not be the choice of the fair Shampoo whose lips ought grace her beauty?"
This time it was Shampoo's turn to suffer a surge of inexplicable fury, "You no speak like that to Ukyo! She is twice the man you pretend to be, and this one will only let her kiss these lips, no some boy amateur who think he man enough for Amazon to take without asking."
Despite herself Ukyo felt strangely moved by the declaration, which only intensified the shame she felt for nearly frightening the girl by turning on her the wrath of her Sith anger. In spite of this she managed a smile and softly cautioned her would-be rival, "Better listen to what she says, Baka, or believe me, you'll be in for a lot worse than you imagine."
"And why should that be?" Mikado asked with a snooty demeanor.
"Because if you try kiss this one again she give you Kiss of Death, no marriage!" Shampoo snapped, "And if you try hurt Ucchan...then this one make you wish you dead."
It was Ukyo's turn to blink at this, but despite the confusion this brought to her emotions she felt something inside her warm to the emotions that she sensed in the other girl, and so her smile gained confidence as she spoke aloud, "Sugar...you'd better back off right away 'cause I think she's serious about that, and you don't wanna know what she's capable of when Sham-chan gets fully aroused, believe me."
"You're bluffing," Senzenen snorted, affecting a more nonchalant manner, "She is probably just shy...no doubt, being a foreigner, she is unaware of the great honor that I would bestow upon her by making her my one-thousand-and-oneth kiss."
"Or maybe you just make her sick," Azusa cheerfully noted, acting blissfully unaware of the look the Amazon gave her, and the slightly feral smile that crossed the lips of Shampoo as she took notice of Ukyo's stolen items, which caused a plan to hatch in the crafty mind of the purple haired Force Mistress.
"Ukyo...you want spatula and ribbon back?" Shampoo asked of her companion at the level of a stage whisper.
"Huh?" Ukyo blinked, "Well...sure thing, Sugar, but..."
"Leave everything up to this one," Shampoo calmly urged, "Shampoo make stupid ribbon girl regret that she tangle with Amazon and her sworn heart-sister."
"Her...what?" Ukyo blinked, wondering why the sound of that made her suddenly quite nervous.
"Hooboy," Ranma murmured from where he sat on edge gripping the bench, feeling the intensity of his need to do something nearly overwhelm the certain knowledge that this was an honor fight for which he had no right to intrude, but he felt very strongly that he should have been the one out there protecting his lady friends from a worthless rake like this Mikado Senzenen.
Unbeknownst to him his two iinazuke were eyeing his profile with growing concern shared within their own breasts, Nabiki feeling torn between sympathy for Ranma's concerns and her own nascent jealousy that he should be this protective towards another woman, and no less than a former rival.
And Kasumi...she felt something...strange in the air quite apart from the conflict between Jedi, Sith and Skaters. There was something greatly disturbing her, some sense of vague alarm that was centered upon her immediate family yet somehow involved Ranma as well, but try as she might she could not focus upon the source of this disturbance. She only knew that something dire was in the air waiting to strike at them, and that when it hit they would all need to be ready.
"Probably just nervous indigestion," she heard Ursula murmur beside her, "I can recommend something for that if it's bothering your stomach, Kasumi-chan."
"Eh...no thank you," Kasumi gently declined, but then something else occurred to her and she stretched out her senses, wondering as she did so, **What has happened to Akane...?**
Continued.
Comments/Criticisms/Relationship Issues: shadowmane
What has happened to Akane, and how does it effect the evil plans that Darth Purge and his minion have put into motion? Can Ukyo and Shampoo prevail against the Golden Pair, or will they suffer the fate of all who have come before them, and can Senzenen ever shut up about how great he is? Find out the answers to this and so much more in, "Ice-Storm of the Century," or, "'Til Death Do We Get Parted!" Be there!
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