Thank you so much for the reviews and follows. I do, indeed, have a plan for these ladies. They are far too messed up to try and wing it like RB. Haha.
Enjoy!
Song: Glass by Thompson Square
Emma thrummed her fingers on her stomach and stared at the ceiling. Time passed, but she acknowledge it very little, no mind games of "If I go to sleep now, I can get this many hours." Belle's words replayed over and over in her mind, and she grasped at tendrils of answers to the questions the insightful woman presented without actually gaining a firm hold. Her heart told her one thing, her mind something else, her body a whole different realm. She'd never denied a sexual attraction to Regina, but sex wouldn't fix anything, would it?
Huffing in frustration, Emma rolled out of bed and dropped to the floor to start a frantic regimen of push-ups, hoping that exhausting her body quieted her mind. She thought briefly of putting some shorts and a bra on, but exertion kicked in soon enough without a full-on cardio. Sweat beaded on her forehead and lower back and her arms quivered and burned, but her mind still raced from thought to thought in a hectic relay race. Reaching her limit, she rolled onto her back and tucked her hands beneath her lower spine, raising her legs to work her lower abs in an isometric frenzy.
The Queen obviously wanted to be there, wanted her, wanted their family. She possessed the strength required to fix it but lacked the love required to make it whole again. How frustrating to want something she wasn't capable of feeling. I'm strong enough to endure your wrath, Emma.
Was Emma that angry?
"Yes," she answered out loud. She was mad at her parents for abandoning her again and Belle and Ruby for being so fucking perfect and herself for becoming a person who just took it all out of fear that she'd be abandoned again if she didn't. It's why she'd spent most of her life alone. No one left her if she never allowed herself to love them. They just became faces in her life, experiences to learn from and then move on to something else.
And Regina.
That woman infuriated her most of all. She loathed the fact that Regina knew her so well. She hated herself for needing her, in spite of all everything, she fucking needed the woman who had taken a part of her mind. What was the difference between love and codependency? What they shared couldn't have been healthy, could it? Regina said they'd been happy, as happy as Ruby and Belle were now that they'd finally figured out how to be individuals in a partnership.
Emma's legs fell to the floor with a thump. She pushed to her feet and wandered into the bathroom for a drink of water. She brought a cupped hand to her mouth and then splashed her heated face without wiping the droplets. Green eyes stared at her from the mirror, but Emma failed to recognize them. The identity beyond those haunted, stormy eyes emerged so clearly in the past. The scars had blazed proudly, a wildfire that destroyed every bridge she crossed, every heart she ever held in her hands. Somewhere in her journey, that destructive force failed to protect her heart. Now, the jagged edges of her soul struggled for reconnection without enough embers to seer the ripped flesh together. When had she become someone who required another human being to fix her broken heart?
Disgusted, she turned away and flopped onto the bed to resume her staring contest with the ceiling. She sat up almost immediately and grabbed her phone, dialing the number she never dreamed of dialing in her life at this hour. Ruby's greeting was raspy and groggy but alert and concerned all at the same time. Emma pinched the bridge of her nose, trying to stave the tears.
"Rubes, I don't know what to do," Emma confessed and then gave up on fighting the tears.
"What's wrong? Did something happen?" Ruby asked, the sliver of fear evident in her voice as well as rustling of blankets and Belle's sleepy murmur in the background.
"No, everything's fine. I just can't sleep and I feel like I'm losing my mind," Emma quickly assured her. Ruby said something to Belle, and then more telltale signs of her moving around filtered through the phone, a door closing.
"Talk to me," Ruby said, finally finding a place to talk where she'd not disturb her partner and child, probably on the steps leading to the balcony of the library. At least that's what Emma imagined.
"I don't even really know what to say," Emma realized, feeling stupid. "I'm sorry that I woke you up, I just…"
"Hey, it's all good. I told you that we're here for you, and if you just need me to sit on the phone and listen to you breathe right now, then I'm here. 'Kay?" Ruby, big-hearted, loyal Ruby.
Emma bowed her head and released more tears. "Thanks, Rubes."
"Sure." Silence. "So, I was thinking about your tattoo. We can't just leave it an empty chain, that's boring and makes no sense. Want to try and finish it sometime this week?"
Emma snorted. "Why did you let Young Emma tattoo my body?"
Ruby answered with a laugh, and Emma actually smiled but it faded quickly. "I guess it doesn't make much sense to get Regina's name over my heart anymore, does it?"
"I don't know. It looked like you and The Queen were getting pretty comfortable at dinner," Ruby delve into the deeper reason behind the late night call. "Want to talk about that?"
"I don't know what to say. I'm not even really sure what the hell is happening. It just… is." Emma sighed and leaned against the headboard, already feeling more grounded. They had the best friends in the world, and it felt weird not to have them down the hallway anymore. They knew Belle and Ruby intended to move eventually, but shit kept coming up. First the heart swap and then the Jacob/Ben situation and then the body swap and now this mess.
"Emma, Belle wouldn't really talk about it beyond telling me what happened between you and Regina while we had Katy and Henry, but I think I've put it together anyway. If you need to take some time to figure out who you are without your memories of Regina, I'll help you however I can," Ruby offered graciously and then added levity to the moment. "Plus, you two aren't really that discreet with a wolf around. Regina's lasagna only goes so far in masking that scent."
Emma chuckled. "I remember. God, how can you function with Belle puking as much as she has been? That must be hell on your senses."
Ruby sighed on the other end and then laughed. "Because I know how happy she is," she answered honestly, sincerely. "It's amazing what you can endure in the name of love. You and Regina taught me that, ya know?"
"What?" Emma blurted, flabbergasted.
"Ems, I know you don't have specific memories of her, but… if you look hard enough, you can piece it all together. Do you remember Neverland?"
"Yeah."
"Everything that happened in Neverland, everything you did and went through, you did it for her. You stayed behind for me, not because we were friends at that point and certainly not because I had done anything that warranted that amount of devotion. You stayed because you knew how devastated she'd have been if she lost me as a friend." Emma listened intently, and Ruby paused, giving her the chance to speak. She didn't.
"When you asked Amelia to teach you how to harness the dark magic in Regina's heart, you did it because she asked you to. She was afraid that Zelena would kill Annabel, and you sacrificed yourself for your family, for her. I know you don't remember it, but she took really good care of you after that. She was patient and understanding and gave you the space you needed in order to accept who you were before she married you.
"And when you lost your memories after the accident, Emma, I've never seen a woman so utterly destroyed. I've been thinking about that a lot since I talked to Amelia. No one gave her wellbeing a second thought because the two of you have this miraculous ability to overcome anything, and I still believe in that, but we are all to blame for Regina's condition. I still believe in the power of your love, Emma, and if you need to explore that with The Evil Queen… Sorry, The Queen." Emma smiled at the clarification. Dark, yes. Evil, not so much. Ruby apparently drew some sort of conclusion about that, too.
"If you need to explore that with her now, then that's what you need to do. Obviously, I don't want to be on the receiving end of your anger, so you should probably check that before touching another coffee cup, but you've struggled with Regina's dark side since you carried her heart. Not because she possesses it, you've always been pretty accepting of her. But, carrying darkness like that had to have done something to you, even if you do have the right heart now. It's okay to not be The Savior for a little while."
Emma covered her mouth, catching the whimpering sob, but she suspected Ruby heard it anyway with those damn wolf ears. Ruby allowed the silence to stretch for a few seconds, granting Emma time to reign in her emotions or go straight for a breakdown.
"Emma?"
"I'm here," she said forced around the constriction in her throat.
"Am I helping or making it worse?" Ruby asked, her insecurity poking through. Same old Ruby.
"You're giving me a lot to think about, but it's not a bad thing," Emma told her honestly. "I never thought about it like that before, the memories, I mean. I know exactly which moments involved her directly because they don't make any sense. It's like piecing together a dream."
"I know it's cold comfort, but give it some time, things will get clearer," Ruby offered the last of the wisdom she possessed at 2:37 in the morning.
"I know. Thanks, Rubes." Emma wiped at her tears, calmer and sleepier than she'd been all evening since they'd said goodnight and parted ways to sleep in separate rooms. "It's just hard to need her so much while hating her so much."
"Which one do you need to address first? The need or the anger?" It was a simple question, really. One that left Emma completely stunned and flustered all over again.
"I don't think I can do this without her," Emma admitted more to herself than to Ruby.
"Then you need to tell her that, not me," Ruby pushed now that Emma landed on solid ground. "I saw her tonight, Emma. Trust me, she needs to hear it." A long silence followed, and Ruby searched for the words. What had she needed to hear when she struggled to accept how much Belle changed her? Nothing felt scarier than giving her heart to someone else, to trust her to cherish it and cradle the fragile thing gently. "Emma, it's okay to need someone. She needs you, too, or The Queen never would have played whatever game you created with the glass of water."
Emma laughed out loud at that. "Was it that obvious?"
Ruby smiled at the glorious sound. "Not particularly, but I noticed the changes in her vocal patterns every time you took a drink. Not to mention, wolf nose. I knew something was up the second you walked in the door." Ruby smiled a little at that. She wanted her friends to feel the way she and Belle felt. Maybe it's how they'd felt in Salem, no fear, no doubts, no hesitation. Just a melding of two souls with a look, an innocent touch, a word, watching the other play with Alex.
"Thanks, Rubes," Emma repeated, running out of words as her thoughts took over. Still racing, the fear of them dissipated in the comfort of a trusted friend. Maybe their friendships with Ruby and Belle – hell, even Eva, Lauren, and Amelia – reflected their own relationships. No matter the test, they passed it, even if it took a few tries. "Think you'll be able to get back to bed?"
Ruby chuckled, "If Belle hasn't drenched my pillow in drool and doesn't have to get up and puke, sure. You good?"
Emma grinned at that. "I'm good."
"Okay, feel free to call if you need anything else. Night," the wolf said in parting, already sounding half asleep again now that the crisis ended.
"Night," Emma murmured and ended the call. She stared at the phone for a while, long after the screen returned to black and faintly reflected her face in the dim light.
Before she thought too hard, Emma snagged the baby monitor from the bedside table and left the room that haunted her with the memories lost to her. She checked in on Annabel first and then Henry before silently moving downstairs. She chuckled lightly to find Batch and Katy asleep on the living room floor with blankets, pillows, and DVD cases everywhere. The young wolf had never watched a movie before that evening, and Emma never witnessed anyone so excited by the smallest things. Maybe the first movie to start her on shouldn't have been one as action-packed as The Avengers. She'd carried on excitedly with Katy and Henry the entire time, practically jumping on the sofa by the end, and quickly grabbed Katy's hand and pointed at the DVD collection in the cabinet beneath the flat screen hanging on the wall. Katy happily explained the concept of each movie when Batch sadly pointed to the text and shook her head. She couldn't read, which only deepened the mystery of what the girl had gone through as a child.
Now, the two teens slumbered next to one another while the start screen to Harry Potter repeated. She left it, figuring any movement within the perimeter of the living room would have woken Katy. She observed them a moment longer, smile growing. Tears burned her eyes when she noticed their tightly clasped hands between their chests, though their bodies remained a good foot or so apart. They slept on their sides, facing each other and giving the illusion that one of them had been speaking quietly when they'd fallen asleep. Who comforted whom remained unclear, but just the act of lying beside another warm body and feeling safe provided the best solace.
With a sigh, Emma climbed the stairs to the room Ruby and Belle had lived in for the past couple years. Without knocking, she turned the knob, happy to find it unlocked and slipped inside. Startled but not surprised, she found Regina staring out the window, arms crossed and hands squeezing her biceps in a self-comforting gesture. They stared at each other for a long moment before Emma finally broke the silence.
"Which one of you have I got?" She asked, fiddling with the phone and monitor in her hand.
Regina smiled kindly. "Just me, Darling," she answered and then presented a few light blue sparks to solidify her words. Anger flared in Emma's heart, shocking her with the knowledge that she'd wanted The Queen.
"Will you heal her… your face?" Emma asked. She wanted Regina's pain to be over, a bit selfishly since she'd caused it, but she also imagined the amount of pain the giant bruise and small cut caused. Regina closed her eyes, concentrating, and waved a hand over her cheek. A small gasp and a flash of blue magic, and the throbbing synced with her pulse dissipated.
"Let her out," she said softly.
Regina nodded, understanding and shameful. No pleas or excuses fell from her lips. The memory of Emma's eyes as her darker half finally laid everything on the table before her burned sharply in her heart. She bowed her head, and slowly her arms fell to a more neutral position to mark the arrival of The Queen. Regina allowed it to happen so easily that time, perhaps to avoid the conflict of discussing her betrayal.
"Am I to assume you've changed your mind about our evening of pleasure?" She asked lasciviously, teeth glinting in the light of the waning moon.
"No. That's not going to happen, not tonight anyway. I just… I can't sleep," Emma explained without elaboration.
"So, you've come to what? Talk? Retrieve stolen moments in the dead of night?" Regina picked at her, pushing her, challenging her. Emma smiled, realizing that she'd caught Regina off guard.
"I thought maybe you'd let me lay beside you, see if I could drift off." She kept her tone as neutral as possible and her heart steady. Regina might have said no, and she wanted to keep the disappointment to a minimum. It was okay to need someone, she reminded herself, remembering Ruby's words.
"For what purpose?" Regina snapped. "This bed is far less comfortable than the one you left."
Emma rolled her eyes and leaned a shoulder against the door. "I don't feel as confused when you're around." That shut her up. The Queen narrowed her eyes, staring long and hard at Emma until The Savior squirmed under the scrutiny.
"I don't cuddle," Regina snapped but moved towards the bed anyway.
It wasn't their bed. This ground remained impartial. Just two women seeking solace in the presence of another. Emma happily slipped between the sheets, set her phone and the baby monitor on the side table, and settled down. The scent of shampoo on the pillow told her that she ended up on Belle's side, another comfort. Belle hadn't just come home, she'd come home a whole person. She'd missed her.
On her back, Emma reached for Regina's hand and hooked her forefinger around the sorceress' thumb. "Night, Regina," she mumbled.
Regina allowed it and settled on her side, dark eyes studying Emma's exhausted face. Her breathing evened out gradually and the lines around her eyes and mouth recede slowly as sleep claimed Emma within a few minutes of the amiable silence. Not her. The Queen rarely slept. Regina perhaps, might have slumbered in the presence of this resilient spirit, but not her, and Emma had specifically asked for her. The mother of her children required protection but lacked the ability to ask for it, so she'd chosen The Queen as her shield against the harshness of the dark and her racing thoughts. Emma needed to be taken care of by the part of her that shied away from the softer and gentler emotions. Neither of them were prepared to deal with those yet, but this… this worked. A partnership, not a relationship or a marriage. They cared for their children and each other without succumbing to those fickle ideals of True Love. Those things led to the anger from which they needed respite, they just needed to breathe and cope with the deeper fissures they'd caused in the other's heart and soul later, once they found solid ground again.
The Queen gave this freely and without judgment or expectation.
Regina tugged at Emma's finger lightly, but the blonde never moved or cracked an eyelid. With painstaking precision and control, Regina moved her body an inch at a time until her stomach pressed against Emma's side. Like a rooting puppy, Emma rolled towards the warm body in her sleep and burrowed into Regina's chest, head tucked securely beneath the other woman's chin.
The sudden affection paralyzed Regina, and it took several moments before she pushed old air out of her lungs and pulled in fresh. Unsure, she touched blonde hair lightly and then cupped the back of her head with the arm beneath Emma's neck, the other hand resting on her ribs.
"I will fight for you, Savior," she whispered into the stillness of the room and settled in for a long night of staring at the wall while Emma's breath puffed against her chest.