Trigger warnings - suicide, depression, rape, and abuse.

Joy keeps a hand on Mick's lower back as they walk into Eddie's hospital room. He's gotten used to the crutches, but there are still some times where he stumbles or wobbles unsteadily and she's promised herself she'll be there to catch him. She won't let him fall.

When she gets her first glimpse of Eddie, she freezes.

He looks like he's been through absolute hell. He's pale and there are huge bags underneath his eyes. He's in a t-shirt, allowing her to get a look at the gauze and bandages wrapped around both his wrists. The lump in her throat gets bigger and bigger as she tries to force back tears. She doesn't remember him looking this bad when they left. They've been gone for two days and he managed to fall apart.

"He really looks awful, doesn't he?" Patricia's voice startles her, and Joy jumps.

"Thanks, Yacker."

"You okay?" Mick glances back at her. Joy shakes her head to clear it, forcing a smile onto her face.

"Fine," she assures him. She looks back over at Eddie, who's smiling goofily at Patricia. She must've missed something. The way he's looking at Patricia is different. It's endearing. She's never seen him look at anyone like that before.

"When people come visit you in the hospital, you usually get some hugs and a 'how are you feeling'," Eddie says. "Unless I really hit my head and everything's different now."

She winces. Him talking about hitting his head has her imagining him going unconscious, passing out and hitting the floor, bleeding. It's such a scary thought. The tears build back up in her eyes and there's nothing she can do to stop them.

"Hey. Joy, hey, it's okay." Eddie slides off the bed and makes his way over to her. He brings her into a tight hug. "I'm okay. Everything's okay. You don't need to cry."

"I don't…we almost lost you," Joy whispers. She presses her face into his shoulder and tries to stop her tears.

"I'm sorry," Eddie murmurs, rubbing her back gently. "I didn't want to hurt anyone."

"You hurt yourself." Joy pulls away from him and looks down at his bandaged arms. "You hurt yourself so badly and I don't…why? Why did you do that to yourself? You didn't deserve it."

"He's got some issues," Patricia interjects. "Things kinda spiraled and he panicked. But he's doing better. And therapy will help."

"I'm sorry," Eddie repeats.

She finds it strange that Patricia answered for him. The dynamic between them entirely seems odd. She doesn't quite know why, but they seem closer, so much closer than they were a week ago. Something's happened in the two days they've been away, but Joy has no idea what it is.

"Glad you're okay, mate." Eddie leans over to hug Mick carefully. Joy glances from him to Patricia.

Something is different. She needs to figure out what.

Walking into Eddie's room only makes him angrier.

They walk in on a scene of jokes and laughter. Patricia's saying something and Eddie's adding a usual snarky comment that has both of them and Mick and Joy cracking up. Things almost seem…normal. It's as if Eddie didn't just try to kill himself.

"Fabian, Fabian, let go! You're hurting me!" Nina wrenches her hand out of his and he freezes, watching as all the noise in the room stops and everyone's eyes turn to him. He didn't realize he was even squeezing Nina's hand until she said something, but now everyone's looking at him like he has two heads because him being angry at all is so shocking.

Part of him hates the character he's created for himself. He's the nice one, the patient one, the sweet one. He doesn't get angry. He doesn't succumb to his emotions. He focuses on solutions rather than problems. He is the definition of calm. And now that he's made that person so concrete, he's not allowed to get angry. It's out of place and unwelcome. His emotions aren't welcome. He's only welcome when he's kind and patient Fabian. The emotions people don't wanna hear about, the sad, the dark, the angry…that Fabian is an uninvited guest that's made himself at home while everyone else wonders when he's leaving.

"Uh, hey guys," Mick says, trying to staunch the awkwardness that's now made itself painfully pleasant in the room. "How was America?"

"Great, until we got the call that Eddie tried to kill himself, although it seems like you all have already moved on from that," Fabian mutters.

The shock on their faces is evident. The tension in the room is building. He turns to look at Eddie, who's staring at him in confusion. Fabian gazes back, trying to communicate his feelings through his facial expression. He's pissed and he isn't afraid to show it. Suicide attempts aren't something people get over like a breakup.

"I think we should leave you guys alone…" Fabian watches Joy and Mick make their way out of the room, and looks expectantly at Patricia. He wants to talk to Eddie by himself, but from the incredulous look she's giving him, he doubts that'll be happening.

"Why are you being an ass, Fabian? Is it a crime to have fun?"

"He just tried to kill himself and you're acting like it's nothing!"

"It's not nothing," Patricia replies steadily. "No one said it was. We were trying to cheer him up. Take his mind off things. Make him forget about things that caused this. Don't be a dick just because you don't understand."

Eddie leans up to whisper something in her ear. They argue back and forth for a bit, voices hushed.

"Don't yell at him," Nina hisses, glaring at him. "You're not making this any better."

"Am I supposed to just give him a hug and thank him for not dying?" Fabian retorts. "Because I'm pretty sure that if it was up to him he would've given up without a second thought!"

"Okay." Eddie turns back to them. "Nina, Yacker, would you mind giving us some privacy? Clearly Fabian and I have some things to talk about."

"Be nice," Nina warns, as she follows Patricia out of the room. Fabian scoffs. Be nice? He's not being mean. He's just telling the truth. The truth is that Eddie would have given up without a second thought if he had the choice. The truth is he didn't consider anyone else's feelings when he did what he did. The truth is he was a selfish asshole that's not even happy he lived. The truth is that Fabian's done with all of this.

"You're pissed at me." Eddie speaks as soon as the door shuts. Fabian watches him scoot upward to sit against his pillows. The sight of the stark white bandages on his arms makes his stomach turn. "Go on, let it all out. Now's your chance. I won't tell Nina, you can scream at me all you want."

"How could you?" Fabian yells. "You promised me you wouldn't!" Tears are burning in his eyes and his heart is pounding in his chest. His anger is white-hot, burning through his veins with an uncontrollable force. He's never been this pissed in his entire life. He could strangle someone with his bare hands. The irony is how atypical that is for him. Anger does crazy things to people.

"I know," Eddie replies. "And I'm sorry. But Fabian, you gotta understand…my head's a fuckin' mess. Has been for years. I don't deal with shit right. I bury things and forget about them until they come back to bite me in the ass and everything builds up until I have a breakdown. I'm sorry it hurt you and I'm sorry I broke my promise, but you have no idea what led up to it."

"Then tell me! Fucking tell me, for god's sakes! You don't tell me anything! You say you'll come to me and you don't! And then Patricia calls me and tells me you overdosed!" Fabian exclaims. "What the hell am I supposed to think?"

Eddie sighs. "I don't know. I've never been on the receiving end of that phone call. All I know is I was done, Fabian. I was done. I didn't want to live anymore. Part of me still doesn't. This is so much bigger than you. I didn't do this because I wanted to hurt you. I did this so I could stop hurting myself."

"But it didn't work, did it?" Fabian shoots back. "You didn't get what you wanted. So that means you'll try again, doesn't it? It means you'll put us through hell again. How can you be that selfish, Eddie? We're trying to help and you don't even give us a chance. You do…you do that without even bothering to give us a fucking chance! How much more selfish can you be?"

Eddie's facial expression hardens, but he doesn't start screaming back like Fabian expected. When he speaks, his voice is steely calm. "After my parents got divorced, for ten years, I was beaten. Punched. Kicked. Slapped. Thrown against walls. I was told I was worthless. A piece of shit no one wanted. My own mother told me she wished she had aborted my sorry ass. It took ten years for someone to realize something was wrong and do something about it. She got married not even a year after the divorce; to the guy she'd been cheating on my dad with. And he raped me for over two years. It destroyed me completely. That's where the PTSD comes from. Those nightmares? They're hell, Fabian. I'm not even safe in my sleep. I'm transported back there and it wrecks me all over again. That's why I didn't stop cutting. That's why I've been such a basket case. That's why I did this. My life is a fucking mess, Fabian. So honestly, am I really that selfish for wanting it to be over?"

"He had no fucking right to come in here and talk that shit."

Eddie rolls his eyes. "Stop. Come here. Come cuddle. It's been a long few hours of pretending we still hate each other."

Patricia huffs and climbs onto the bed next to him. She kisses the side of his head. "He still had no right to talk to you like that. But it's so weird. I've never seen him like that. That's not the Fabian I know."

"He's pissed because I didn't come to him even though he told me to. He doesn't understand, Yacker. This is new to him. We can't blame him for that."

"Didn't what he said hurt you?"

"No," Eddie replies immediately. "Because I know it was the grief talking. It was the anger talking. It wasn't him. He's confused and he's hurt and that's partly my fault."

"How? You were in pain, Eddie. You'd given up." It hurts her to say those words but she knows they're true. She knows the verity because she's felt the same way. That's why this doesn't faze her as much as everyone else, because she knows exactly how Eddie felt and it's more important to give him love and affection than spend hours debating his reasons for doing it.

"He doesn't get that, Yacker. He's never felt it before. He doesn't understand. It doesn't make sense to him. All he sees is that I promised him something and then broke it. If it were me I'd be pissed too. He just needs time. It's Fabian. He'll come to his senses eventually, and knowing him, fuckin' grovel for forgiveness."

"But I just…I've known Fabian for years…that was scary…I've never seen him act like that. If I didn't know better I'd think he was Fabian's asshole twin or something…"

"Grief fucks people up," Eddie replies. "Probably why my mom married an asshole who beat and raped me for years after my dad left her."

"Eddie, I…"

Eddie chuckles. "It's okay. You gotta stop treating me like I'm fragile, Yacker. I can talk about it. I'm not about to break. Of all people I thought you'd get that."

"I'm sorry," she sighs. "I just don't get how you can be so nonchalant about it. You talk about it like it didn't fuck you up this badly and I don't get why."

"Because being this sarcastic about it is better than having a panic attack every time it's brought up," Eddie mutters. "If I'm like this about it, it doesn't hurt as much. And I've learned that having panic attacks every time I talk about it means they win. They break me for good. And I don't want that. Plus, it makes me sound so much more hardcore, don't ya think?"

"Weaselface." She nudges his shoulder and scoots down to rest her head in the crook of his neck. "You don't seem okay a lot of the time, and I worry. You make me worry so much. Sometimes the things you say…they're probably jokes, but they're really dark, Eddie. Like when you and Jerome were joking about wanting a rope and pills for Christmas."

"Aw Yacker, that wasn't completely serious," Eddie assures her. "I was suicidal then, so it was kinda true, but I was joking. That's just my sense of humor. But I'll try and tone it down. I don't want you to worry so much."

"I'll always worry about you." She lifts her head off his shoulder and leans in for a kiss, cupping his cheek. "Even if you didn't have suicidal tendencies I would."

"You too."

A few minutes of silence go by. Patricia curls back into Eddie's chest and focuses on his heartbeat below her ear. It's heaven to her ears, considering what he just tried to do.

"Eddie…what are we? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Friends with benefits? I-"

"Stop," Eddie says. "There is no way in hell we're friends with benefits. You mean more to me than that. So much fucking more. And Yacker, if you're into the dating thing, I'm down for it. If you wanna take things slower, that's cool too. Whatever you're comfortable with."

This. This is why she's falling in love with him. Deep down, under all the sardonic comments and asshole-like persona, is this soft, sweet, adorable guy that she can't get enough of. He's sarcastic and borderline rude but she loves those parts of him too. Eddie isn't normal and that's what she loves most. Normal is boring. Normal is clichés and she'll be damned if she ever becomes one of those.

Eddie is different. He's special. He's the kind of guy that's worth fighting for. She wants someone who understands her. Ever since Adam, she's wanted someone who'll understand her, someone the exact opposite of him. She's wanted someone who knows what it's like, who gets that some days are bad, who understands that she's a little broken and that's okay. Eddie's a little broken too, and somehow, their broken pieces fit together.

"Did…did I say something…?"

"No!" She zones back into reality and shakes her head vigorously. "You're perfect. I was just thinking."

"Do you…not want to do this?"

"I do." She turns her head to kiss him. "I really do. I wanna be your girlfriend, Eddie. And we can be like all the other gross couples and make out and be disgustingly happy."

"I guess it's settled then." He shoots her one of his signature smirks and she leans in again, only this time, she thumps his head.

"Ow!"

"You deserved that."

"Why?"

"You made fun of me."

"I did not!"

"You did!"

"Did not!"

"Weaselface!"

"Yacker!"

Patricia's staring at him with a stupid grin on her face. Her cheeks hurt from smiling. But she feels so warm, so light, so happy…this is what love is. This is love. This is what she was missing from Adam, what she got from Eddie in a matter of days that she couldn't get from Adam in years. This is a feeling so delicate but so comforting. It's a feeling of warmth, a feeling of security that wraps itself around her like a blanket. She never wants to let it go.

She leans in and kisses him again, winding her arms around his neck and pressing their foreheads together. He tastes amazing, he always has, and the way his arms snake around her torso as he pulls her on top of him feels just right. She feels safe and protected and she never wants it to end.

When they pull away, she stares at Eddie for a few seconds, taking him in, until she flops down and rests her head on his chest.

Eddie presses a kiss to her head and she closes her eyes. "Thank you," she murmurs. "Thank you for this. You have no idea how much I needed it."

"No, thank you," Eddie replies. "For giving me a reason to stay."

Thoughts? How'd you guys feel about Fabian's conversation with Eddie? I know it was OOC, but that's what grief does to people. Suicide attempts don't just affect the person who attempted. Their loved ones feel the effects as well. I wanted to highlight that.

Additionally, I wanted to address something. I got a review last chapter saying that they hoped Eddie and Patricia's relationship would stay true to the show, with the teasing and bickering, without the overly lovey stuff. It will. The only reason it seems so OOC right now, is because of the situation. Patricia found Eddie's body lying in a pool of his own blood. That's why she's clinging to him. That's why they're acting overly coupley. She almost lost him and this is her way of coping. Once that wears off and things return more to normal, their relationship will get back a lot of what you've seen on the show, I promise.

Next chapter, Nina confronts Alfie, Alfie opens up to Jerome, and Eddie sees his father for the first time since his suicide attempt. Let's just say...their conversation is interesting. ;)

Thanks for reading, I hope you enjoyed.