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Naomi Wildman's old observation that gossip sped around Voyager at a dizzying speed because it was such a small ship was never so true as today. Everyone was talking about the wormhole-punctured nebula by the time Icheb was able to reach the mess hall for a well-deserved, but exceedingly late, dinner. Fortunately, Chell had not closed the kitchen at 2030, as he usually did, because so many other diners were extremely late to arrive and/or were so busy talking with their friends, they were taking an inordinately long time to finish their meals. Chell had no problem with this. As Naomi had often confided to Icheb, "Crewman Chell is the biggest gossip on the ship." This news about the wormholes was seemingly made for the chatty chief chef, who was as adept at speculating about which members of the crew would be promoted as soon as Voyager returned to the Alpha Quadrant (this, mainly with the Starfleet contingent), as he was earnestly discussing the fate of the Maquis upon their arrival. Would they face jail time, or might they receive commendations for services to the Federation because of the way they'd contributed to Voyager's safe return? Icheb decided Chell was glad to debate either side of the issue. As long as he could air his opinions in his own inimitable way, he was a very happy Bolian. His skin tone might be blue, but his mood certainly wasn't.
When Icheb walked into the mess hall at 2310, he'd expected he'd need to replicate his meal, but Chell was serving Tom Paris' favorite, good old-fashioned tomato and cheese pizzas, to anyone who wanted a late meal and wished to preserve their replicator rations. The cheese for the pizza was replicated, of course, since the tale of Neelix's disastrous attempt at cheese-making had reached the status of myth on board the ship; but Chell had picked up the basics of producing a very high quality pizza dough very quickly. He was willing to replicate mushrooms and pepperoni to place on the pie, and he always whipped up his own version of Italian sausage, both hot and sweet, for toppings. He also used fresh Talaxian tomatoes, bell pepper, and onions grown hydroponically in Cargo Bay One. "It's all made fresh! Great as a meal or a snack! Have a slice! Have four!" he cheerfully commanded Icheb as he went through the mess hall line.
Icheb ordered six slices, each with a different set of toppings, and managed to consume every piece within twenty minutes. After all, he reasoned, mapping wormhole destinations was hard work. He hadn't stopped to take any sort of meal or snack break the entire time he was in Astrometrics.
He wasn't alone in the mess hall. Several members of the Science Department were in one corner, loudly relishing the possibility they'd be back in the Alpha Quadrant by Christmas. Several engineers and security section people were scattered around the hall, too, earnestly chatting with each other about getting home - when they weren't evaluating technical problems such as hull stresses and energy consumption ratios, factors which might crop up if the chosen wormhole presented any particular barriers to an easy flight through. The likely date of Lieutenant Torres delivery of her child was no longer a major topic of conversation. Icheb thought the mess hall looked as it did during a typical lunch hour, rather than at midnight snack time.
Even though he'd just eaten three-quarters of a large pizza, Icheb needed "a little something extra," as Neelix had always put it. After recycling his tray and dishes, he walked over to the replicator wall and punched up one of his Nutritional Supplement shakes. When Icheb turned around with his drink, he noticed one member of the crew who wasn't chatting with anyone else. Instead, he was slumped into the corner of one of the couches in the lounge area, lost in thoughts that, from the expression on his face, were anything but jubilant.
Carefully, Icheb approached his crewmate. "Mr. Lessing," Icheb said. "Do you mind if I join you?"
Wordlessly, Noah waved him to take the seat next to him on the couch. Icheb sat down and took a few sips of his shake before the silence between the pair was broken.
"I'm surprised you aren't being bombarded by our crewmates, congratulating you on the success of your wormhole-detecting device. A gravimetric sensor, right?" Noah said.
"If any of them saw the way I was inhaling my pizza, they probably wanted to stay as far away from me as they could. I might have bitten them by mistake."
Noah chuckled weakly at Icheb's quip, but he sat up a little straighter in the chair. "That's one of the supplemental shakes the Doctor prescribes for you, right?"
"Yes, although I probably don't really need the supplements for my Borg implants anymore. The Doctor says regular food gives me pretty much all I need at this point. I like some of his concoctions, though. They're nutritious for anyone, not just former Borg. Tom Paris says the one I'm drinking now tastes like root beer to him. It goes really well with pizza." Icheb replied.
"I imagine it would. I like root beer floats for dessert, but I'm not sure if I'd enjoy them with pizza. Root beer is a little sweet with savory foods, as far as I'm concerned.
"B'Elanna Torres has been drinking these shakes a lot since her pregnancy began. Tom told me she sometimes wakes up in the middle of the night and demands he bring her one."
"When she isn't dragging him off to Sickbay because of false labor pains!" Noah laughed. Icheb privately congratulated himself for being able to cheer up the exobiologist. Those mental pats on his mental back didn't last long, though. Noah sat further up and leant forward, resting his elbows on his thighs, and began to rub his hands together. "I guess you're wondering why I'm sitting over here instead of with my co-workers from Sciences over there," he stated quietly.
Icheb knew exactly why the former ensign of the lost Equinox had chosen this spot in which to sit, but he simply shrugged his shoulders noncommittally and waited for Noah to tell him whatever he felt comfortable enough to share with Icheb. After a pause, Noah went on, "I know the Maquis have an uncertain future, but because of things that happened on my last ship . . . the one that was dragged into the Delta Quadrant around the time Voyager was . . . oh, hell! Equinox was the ship from hell. I know I'm going to suffer the consequences of what our crew did on that vessel. All five of us will. We weren't looking forward to getting back to the Alpha Quadrant this soon, I can tell you that. You probably don't know what I'm talking about, though. This all happened before Voyager encountered your cube. Forget I said anything."
Noah began to stand up, but Icheb reached out and touched the arm of his companion, saying, "No, I do know."
Noah studied Icheb for several seconds before settling back into the couch. "I guess you've had to study the ship's logs as part of your training," Noah remarked resignedly.
"I have, but actually, it was Mezoti who found out first. She hacked into the logs very soon after we came on board. We'd heard whisperings a few times about something happening to the five of you, and Mezoti had to know all the details."
Noah smiled ruefully and shook his head slowly. "Man, I miss that kid. I guess you must miss her even more than I do."
"I do," Icheb sighed.
"Well, if you know what we did, murdering aliens and turning their bodies into fuel so we could get our ship moving faster, then I guess you do understand."
"According to the logs, your Captain Rudy Ransom did tell Captain Janeway you five were 'the best' of your crew and deserved a second chance. Maybe it won't be as bad as you think."
"I'd like to think that, Icheb, but I doubt it. Marla heard from her sister during one of the Project Watson transmissions that there's been talk about Equinox. The Ransom and Burke families seem to be pressing for commendations for our late captain and executive officer. If that sort of talk continues, the facts eventually will come out; and then we'll be given prison sentences instead of a hero's welcome. Marla may lose custody of Aimee. I think that bothers me more than whatever they may choose to do to me. Marla needs Aimee, and Aimee needs her Mommy. After what we did, I'd say I deserve to spend time in prison."
Noah stopped then and took several deep breaths, as if he had been physically exerting himself. Maybe, in a way, he had. As far as Icheb knew, the "Equinox Five" never spoke about this to anyone, except, perhaps, each other. Admitting all this to Icheb must have taken a grave toll on the tall, gentle crewman who'd always treated the "Borglets" with kindness and respect. Perhaps sharing a bit of his own history, which hadn't ever become part of the gossip chain as far as Icheb knew, might be appropriate.
"Mr. Lessing, do you know why all the adult drones on the Borg cube we were on died?"
"They encountered some sort of pathogen, I heard."
"Do you know where this pathogen came from?"
"No, I don't think I ever heard anything about the source."
"You're looking at the source," Icheb relayed, more calmly than he felt.
Noah looked skeptically at Icheb, but what he saw on the cadet's face must have convinced him the revelation was neither a joke nor a lie. "You killed thousands of drones?"
"Thanks to an adjustment in my DNA that my birth parents introduced into my genome. Yes, it's true. I didn't know anything about this until after the captain went back to Brunal and rescued me from being assimilated again by the Borg. I'm responsible for those deaths - or, at least, my body is. Seven and Tom Paris have told me my parents were responsible, not me. I had no part in the decision to use my body the way they did, but it's hard for me to ignore all of it. And if I'm assimilated again, I'd undoubtedly destroy all the drones on the vessel that does the deed." Icheb thought about whether to share the biggest part of the secret. He held his breath for a moment, then added, "The truth is, I've been working on refining this neurological pathogen as a weapon against the Borg; so if it's ever used, I'll be responsible for the death of who knows how many aliens whose only crime is that they were assimilated and enslaved. If I could get to the Queen and just kill her, I would. Eradicate the Queen, and maybe the Borg menace would disappear, too; but that opportunity is not likely ever to come up, unfortunately."
"But that's not the same as what we did on Equinox," Noah said sadly. "If you've read the logs, you know all that we did."
"From what I read, you were forced to cooperate, very much against your will."
"I'm afraid a defense of 'I was only following orders' never works out in a court martial."
Icheb had to admit this was true from his studies, but he didn't want to agree with Noah. It wasn't right that the commanding officers of Equinox would never be prosecuted because they were dead, while five of the crew they coerced to act in terrible ways would face punishment. There was one thing he could say, however, that was equally true: "Don't be so sure we're going to get to the Alpha Quadrant so easily. We're still trying to work out how so many wormholes could be located in such a relatively small area of space. It seems awfully convenient that the area is hidden so completely by that nebula surrounding it, too. We may find it's not the route to Earth we'd like it to be."
"I guess that old adage about taking things one step and one day at a time still holds true. Whatever happens, I'm glad I had this talk with you, Icheb. It's a painful subject for me. My conscience gets to me whenever I think about it."
"If I could terminate the Queen, after all she's done, I would. And I have to admit my conscience wouldn't bother me at all. At least, I hope it wouldn't."
"That's the problem. Until something like this happens, you don't know what your conscience will do to you." Noah stood up and held out his had to Icheb's to shake it. "I'm on Alpha shift tomorrow. I guess I better hit my bunk and try to get some rest. Good night, Icheb."
After Noah Lessing left, Icheb sat on the couch in the lounge area for quite a while, reviewing what he knew about everything they'd discussed. His cautionary statement to Noah about the wormholes not necessarily being their route home was certainly true, but what if they could use them? What if they arrived in the Alpha Quadrant in only a few days or weeks? The new life there that he'd imagined for himself, which he'd always assumed would take many years to be accomplished, might be possible while he was still an adolescent. While Icheb was sure he'd still want to be a Starfleet officer, he would at least have the option of following another path if he ever did change his mind. He might choose to study to be a physician. Becoming a full-time genetics researcher wasn't out of the question, either.
His personal life choices could be very different as well. If Voyager's journey continued for twenty or thirty years, his choices of mate would be extremely limited. Even now, only a few couples on board were beginning to edge towards forming a family,the way Tom and B'Elanna had. And the only person even close to his age on this ship was Naomi!
He had to chuckle to himself over the image of Naomi standing next to him in front of Captain Janeway as they took their vows, but then he stopped to consider the ramifications. Naomi was only five years old, but she looked closer to twelve. At the rate she was going, she might be fully grown within five or six years. Naomi and Icheb were great friends now, but would they ever desire each other in the future? If they did marry in a future lived on Voyager, would they feel they'd settled for the only person in their age group, rather than having a true choice of spouse? In the Alpha Quadrant, none of that would be a problem. They'd both have plenty of potential mates. If they ever did become more than friends, it would be because they wanted to, not because they only had each other.
Seven and Chakotay - was that what was really happening with them? Settling for one of the few individuals on the ship who attracted them enough to even consider as mates? Icheb had heard from enough of the crew who had been on board Voyager from the beginning of the Starfleet/Maquis alliance who believed the captain and the commander had loved each other from very early on in the journey. They'd spent months together on a planet they'd called New Earth when a strange virus from a bug bite had afflicted them. The resulting illness would have killed them if they'd remained on the ship, but conditions on the planet controlled their symptoms. A Vidiian doctor who had once been treated for a fatal illness on Voyager, who had become the EMH's friend, provided a serum which cured the command team, enabling them to return to the ship. Any attempt to find out exactly how close Kathryn Janeway and Chakotay had come to each other when they weren't the captain and her first officer was adroitly deflected by the pair.
Most of the crew suspected they'd become lovers on New Earth and were convinced the only reason they weren't together now was attributable to Starfleet protocols prohibiting an officer from "fraternizing" with anyone under his or her direct chain of command. For the captain, that meant everyone (other than Michael Sullivan, the holodeck character who was the proprietor of Fair Haven's pub - or so it was rumored). Actually, that meant the commander, too, since, as second in command, everyone was also under his direct supervision. Since Seven had never enlisted in Starfleet, and technically she was only a "passenger" and "consultant," the rules apparently did not apply to her. Actually, they probably did apply, but if Seven wanted something, she never let a little thing like published regulations stop her from pursuing her goal.
Was that the real attraction she had for Chakotay? That he didn't have to follow the protocols as far as she was concerned? If that was true, Icheb felt even more uneasy about their recent attachment to each other than he did about how it might affect his own relationship with Seven.
If Mezoti had still been here, they could have talked all of this over, verbally and subvocally. No, he corrected himself, he would have been forced to speak to her aloud now, but that wouldn't have mattered. She'd have made sure he knew her opinions on everything. They'd been so close. Mezoti had been everything he'd wanted in a sibling. He'd known that even before she left. He wished he could speak with her again now, to share all they'd learned, and to hear her speculating about what this discovery meant to everyone. But she wasn't here, and Icheb didn't know when, or if, he'd ever get the chance to speak with her again. While a lot of scary incidents had occurred on Voyager since she chose to live with the Wysanti, if she had known the journey would only take another year - and not even that long - would she have been more willing to take her chances traveling with Seven and Icheb, instead of choosing the safer path of living planetside? Maybe she wouldn't have left. Maybe he wouldn't have lost her.
He felt an ache in his heart, not in his head, even though this was, in a way, a temporal matter. He wished he could travel back in time and let her know how soon their journey might end. Maybe he could convince her to stay on Voyager, with all of those who missed her, even those like Noah Lessing, who had been one of her teachers and, Icheb was certain, her friend.
Losing Mezoti was something he was convinced he'd never get over.
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