Ana's POV

I open my eyes and stare at the ceiling. I'm not sure how long I've been awake, or what time it is. I just continue to stare at the white ceiling of our bedroom. My mind is empty, my thoughts a million miles away. For a few moments I forget who I am. I forget that I am a mother, a wife, a CEO of a successful publishing company. I forget that I am someone's daughter. People love me and people count on me. But all of that is lost when I am reminded of my father, gone. I won't ever hear his voice again or feel the comfort of his short but loving hugs. My whole life is changed now that he is no longer among the living. I've known him and counted on him my whole life. And now I don't have that anymore. Suddenly I am snapped back to reality when a baby's cries come ringing through the baby monitor. I am a mother, and my baby needs me. I slowly start to sit up, but then I feel an arm gently press against my stomach.

"No Baby, I'll get her. You go back to sleep." My husband's soft voice, it is so soothing and loving. He's been so wonderful these past couple weeks while I've been lost in a sea of grief over my father. He's been so understanding, taking care of me and making sure our kids have everything they need. He's had to take on the role of full time parent for them without any help from me. I feel so guilty for not being there for my family. I sit up and hug myself, the thought of checking out and hiding from the world and my responsibilities sickens me. I don't know how to pull myself out of this bubble of sadness and grief. I don't know how to live in a world where my father no longer breathes air.

I look up and see my husband saunter back into our bedroom with Natalie in his arms. He's also holding a bottle. Oh no, he wants me to feed her. I don't think I can do it. But I have to. I have to stop distancing myself and reconnect with my children, with my husband. We haven't made love since before my father passed away. I don't even know how he is putting up with me being so distant. Not once has he lost his temper with me. Not once has he been suggestive with his words or actions. He's been patient. But maybe bringing our baby girl to me is a way for him to let me know it is time to break out of this dangerous cycle. Without a word he puts Natalie in my arms and sits in front of me. I think he is waiting for a reaction. I look down at our beautiful baby girl and tears start to well in my eyes. How could I have neglected her this way? I haven't held her or fed her. I haven't changed her or bathed her. Christian has done it all on his own. That has to be a lonely existence. Suddenly it occurs to me that I haven't been fair to him. I have done nothing to contribute to the well-being of our family or our marriage. I look up at him and give him an apologetic look. I don't know what to say to him to make this right. He still doesn't say anything to me. But once he sees that I have accepted our baby in my arms he hands the bottle over to me. I'm grateful that my motherly instincts take over and I am feeding her without even thinking about it. I watch her as she sucks on the nipple and looks up at me. I fear that being away from her would make her resent me, would make her want to fuss and put some distance between us. But she doesn't do either of those things. She looks into my eyes as she feeds.

I smile at her, and I feel a few tears fall from my eyes. Then I feel my husband's soft touch on my cheek as he reaches up and wipes the tears away. I look up at him and he is smiling lightly at me. "I thought you could use some time with our baby girl."

"You always know what I need." I say to him softly. "Thank you Christian."

He reaches over and gently kisses my forehead, like I am glass that could shatter in an instant. Suddenly I don't welcome this gesture. I am grieving, but I don't want him to treat me like I'm broken. I look up at him and the smile has left my face. I'm about to say something to him, but as I listen to the words in my head I change my mind. He does not deserve to be admonished for taking care of me. I look down again at our baby and try to think of something else to say to him.

"You look angry" he says to me softly. And I feel myself gulping. I can't tell him what I'm thinking because he does not deserve to hear something so horrible. He's been so good to me, better than I deserve. He's given me space when I needed it, no questions asked, and that is not like him at all. He's also been taking care of me, making me eat and making me shower, taking care of our kids and making sure they've been eating, doing their homework and going to bed on time. "Please tell me what you're thinking about"

I gulp again. My husband and I don't keep secrets from each other. I have to talk to him. Maybe it will make me feel better. "Christian….." but I chicken out. I'm not quite sure how to put my feelings into words.

"What is it Baby? Please"

I look up at him again but then I immediately look down at Natalie. She has finished her bottle so I sit her up in my lap facing Christian. I let her play with the remote control to our television. I look at my husband again and can see the desperation in his face. He wants me to talk to him. I need to talk to him. I open my mouth and the words come out. "I feel so lost, Christian. I want to get back to our life together with our kids and our jobs, I just don't know how to do that." I feel the tears start to fall down my face again, but in a weird way I start to feel better. I haven't voiced my feelings in the past couple weeks. This is a start. I need to keep talking. "I'm so sorry, Christian. I feel like I've abandoned you and our family since I haven't been there for any of you. You've been so wonderful, taking care of our kids and taking care of me, and you'll never know how much I appreciate that."

I stop when he gently places his hand on the side of my face. I lean my head toward his hand and welcome his touch. "Ana, you're grieving. We understand that. You don't need to apologize."

"Yes, yes I do. This isn't fair to you, Christian. I should be helping you raise our family. But instead I have let this grief consume me and I haven't been contributing. But that's going to change. I'm going to start pulling my weight around here."

I hear him chuckle and instantly look up at him. I'm annoyed. He's laughing at me? "Not much weight to pull around, Mrs Grey." I cannot believe he is laughing at me. I scowl at him, and he immediately apologizes. "I'm sorry, Baby. I didn't mean to make fun. I just….. I just want to see you laugh again."

"I want that too"

"Good" he smiles at me and puts his hands on mine. Natalie looks up at him and I think she is smiling, because he looks down at her and smiles. He looks back up at me with those loving gray eyes of his. I love his eyes and what they can do to me with just one look. "There's something that I'd like to do today."

"What?" What is he planning? I see the wheels spinning in his head as he shoots his boyish smile at me. Oh how I've missed that smile.

"A surprise. Right now I need to go get the kids up and ready for school. But when I come back in here, I expect to see you up and dressed. Or I will have to do the honors and dress you." He reaches over and kisses my lips, and I am grateful that this time he is not gentle about it. "Right after a good spanking" he whispers to me, and the words resonate deep down in my belly. I feel myself blushing. I've missed my sex happy fifty. "Want me to take Natalie?"

I shake my head. "No, I've got this" I say to him. He smiles at me before he leaves the room. I start to feel a bit of relief, like I've started to break through a bubble that has entrapped me. Talking to my husband is a good start. I will need to keep doing that. I want to get back to being a mother to my children. I need to get up and get dressed so that I can have breakfast with Teddy and Phoebe before they leave for school. That's a good next step. I look down at my baby girl in my lap and listen as she babbles some baby talk. I love the sound of her sweet baby voice. I've missed it so much. I reach down and kiss her head and just wrap my arms around her tighter, enjoying the moment of happiness that a baby can easily bring.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

I walk into the kitchen with Natalie in my arms and I am immediately met with eight eyes staring at me, like I've walked into the wrong house. "Good Morning" I say to my family softly. My eyes meet my husband's as he walks over to me and takes Natalie from me. He greets me with another kiss that isn't so gentle.

"Good Morning, Mrs Grey."

I smile at him and break eye contact to see my kids walk over to me. Teddy and Phoebe both put their arms around me. It should feel good, but it breaks my heart because it feels like they are saying hello to me for the first time in weeks. I become more aware of how much I have distanced myself from them. I have to suppress a sob that threatens to leave my throat. I don't want to cry, not now. Not when I need to work on reconnecting with them. We let go of each other and I reach out to cup both of their faces. "I love you both so much." I almost lose the battle with my emotions, and Teddy saves me with his words.

"We love you too, Mom. Come have breakfast with us."

They both take my hands and lead me over to the breakfast bar. I catch my husband's expression and can see that he is pleased. Gail puts a cup of tea in front of me. I guess Christian already told her that I'd be joining the family for breakfast.

"What would you like for breakfast, Mrs Grey?"

I've missed this. I've been eating meals in my bedroom, forgetting how much comfort my family brings. I didn't let them help me with this, and I haven't helped them. They should be mad at me for abandoning them, but instead they are welcoming me to the breakfast bar, wanting to have breakfast with me. I'm taken by all this support and love and I almost don't answer Gail. "I'll have what they're having Mrs Taylor, thank you."

I watch as Teddy and Phoebe enjoy their pancakes. Christian puts Natalie in her exersaucer and joins us at the table. I laugh as I listen to our baby girl and her baby babbles. She plays with one of the loud rattles and tries to put it in her mouth. "I think she's teething"

"The front two teeth are starting to come in" Christian explains to me, and I am pained for not knowing that. He sees my facial expression and reaches over and takes my hand, rubbing my knuckles with his thumb. "She hasn't made much of a fuss yet, but when she does we have baby Tylenol and Orajel that we can give her. And I put some teething rings in the freezer."

I smile at my husband. Always the control freak. He's going to make sure that we soothe our baby's sore mouth as much as possible. I love experiencing him taking care of our kids. It is so beautiful and so hot at the same time. I miss his sexual touch and feeling him inside of me. I miss his kinky fuckery and his playful punishments. I haven't been able to think about any of that, and now that I am the desire is coming at me full force. I have to fight the urge to pounce on him since our children are present. I try for a distraction.

"So, I guess you guys have final exams coming up." I look over at my kids and wait for them to answer me. I see their expressions and immediately regret choosing this as a topic of discussion. Teddy is the first to speak.

"They start next week. I'm meeting with some study groups this week so we can prepare."

"Phoebe, what about you? Are you ready?"

She shrugs her shoulders. "I guess. Ava and I plan to study together, but I rather study on my own too."

"That's my girl" Christian says to her and lightly pats her back. Our kids were always good with their studies, so I've never worried. But I know that my father's passing has affected them too, so I want to make sure they are okay. I haven't been doing that. I've been hiding in my bedroom, keeping my distance. I haven't been helping them properly grieve. I'm still not sure how to do that. For now I am going for normalcy.

"If you need help studying, please let me know."

Gail places plates of pancakes in front of me and my husband, and I realize how hungry I am. I quickly decorate my breakfast with butter and syrup and dig in. My family watches me and they look amused.

"What, haven't you seen a woman eat before?"

Teddy and Phoebe both giggle. "Not like that" Teddy says playfully. "Here you have a little something there."

Teddy reaches over and suddenly there is butter all over my nose. "Hey!" I shout, but I'm not angry. I find myself laughing along with my kids. Christian can't help but laugh as well. This feels good. I really needed a good laugh. I reach over and rub jelly on Christian's face, taking him by surprise. I hear my kids laugh even harder. Christian scowls for a moment, and then picks up they syrup, threatening to pour it over my head. "No don't you dare" I shout, but he does it anyway with a big smile on his face. My kids are now hysterically laughing as I blink my eyes, trying not to get syrup in them. I reach up and wipe the syrup from my face as Christian reaches over and kisses me.

"Oh, God, get a room" I hear Teddy admonish us.

"That's not a bad idea" Christian says seductively. I know my kids don't appreciate it, but I'm not worried about that at the moment. I have butter on my nose and syrup dripping from my hair, and my husband is inches away from my face waiting for my next move. I want him. I want him so bad.

"Come on Phoebe, we don't want to be late." Teddy says as he quickly escorts his sister away from the table. Christian also gets up from the table to see our kids off to school. For the second time today I am left wanting my husband in the worst way, and I think he's enjoying it. When he comes back into the kitchen I am still sitting at the breakfast bar with syrup dripping from my face and hair. He picks Natalie up front exersaucer and looks over at me with that sexy grin.

"Well, the kids are off to school, our baby needs a diaper change and my wife needs a good shower. How about I take care of the diaper change while you go and take care of the shower?"

"You're not going to join me?" I ask him with as much pain in my voice as I can muster at the moment.

"No, I'm not going to join you." I look down and sulk, knowing that my husband hates that. If he won't shower with me maybe I can at least get him to punish me, but it doesn't work. "Like I said, there is something I'd like to do today. So head on up for that shower and meet me in the foyer in one hour."

"And if I don't?" I take a chance at defiance.

"Well, then you'll miss out on what I have planned for us, Mrs Grey. I guarantee you won't want to miss it."

With that he leaves the room with Natalie. For a moment I am jealous of our baby girl. She will have my husband's attention for the next hour. He will be changing her and dressing her while I'll be showering alone. But then again, it seems I will have his attention for the rest of the day. What could he have planned? Does it involve kinky fuckery? God I hope so.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

When we arrive at our destination I feel my husband leave go of my hand and climb out of the car. I wonder if I am allowed to remove my blindfold, and then I get my answer right away. "Keep the blindfold on, Mrs Grey" I hear my husband's voice from outside the car door. I do as I'm told, with a lot of resistance. I want to remove the blindfold. I want to know what my husband has planned for us. I hear my car door open and feel my husband reach across me to remove my seatbelt. He then scoops me into his arms and lifts me out of the car.

"Christian, I can walk" I admonish.

"I am fully aware of all of your abilities, Mrs Grey. But trust me when I say it is more satisfying this way."

Now I am even more intrigued. Where is he taking me that requires him to carry me? I feel him take several steps, and then one giant and almost unbalanced one. I cling to him when I feel like he will drop me. "Don't worry, Mrs Grey. I have no intention of ever letting you go." And there it is, a response to my unspoken thoughts. I feel guilty for thinking that he would drop me. After a few more steps I hear him dismiss someone as he sets me down. "Keep the blindfold on, Mrs Grey. Just a few more minutes." I am becoming more and more impatient by the minute. I want to know so badly. I have resisted the urge to just rip the blindfold off, but I don't want to disappoint my fifty, not when he seems so excited to surprise me with whatever he has planned. I continue to resist the urge to take a peak. And then I feel his eyes on me, watching me.

"Christian?"

"You can remove the blindfold now."

I carefully remove the blindfold and take in our surroundings. I gasp when I realize where we are, but not out of fear, out of excitement. "We're on The Grace!"

I look over at my husband and he is grinning. "That we are. Gail has packed a lunch for us, she and Taylor will be looking after Natalie, I've checked the weather forecast and we are looking at a beautiful warm early summer day, Mrs Grey. Alone."

I look out at the water and feel the warmth of the sun. I feel the excitement of being out there in open water, alone with my husband. A rare treat since we have three kids at home and two major companies to run. I am tickled. I bite my lip as I turn around to look at my husband again. I need confirmation that this is real. "We're going sailing? No security? No crew?"

He stands and walks over to me and squats down so that his face is just inches away from mine. "Alone" he confirms with his husky voice. I am immediately taken. He leans in and kisses me passionately, putting his hand in my hair and the other on my leg. As he kisses me he runs his hand up my naked thigh. He forces his hand in between my legs so that I open them, and he immediately finds my sex. I am grateful for my choice of wardrobe today. I am wearing a simple light green dress with a gray sash that wraps around my stomach and ties in the back. As he explores my mouth with his tongue he starts to rub his thumb around my clitoris. I'm not sure how long I can take the pleasure. I want him inside of me now. It's been way too long. I start to moan in his mouth and feel his smile. He stops kissing me and pulls his face away from mine. "Just a preview of what I'm going to do to you, Mrs Grey." Oh my

I am disappointed when he stands and puts distance between us. "I just need to have a word with Sam and then we can set sail."

I nod and try my best not to pout. I know he won't let me down. I just don't want to wait any longer. And the preview certainly didn't help my need.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

After we eat lunch and have some wine, I think he will take me to bed. I wait in anticipation for what he will do. To my disappointment he fills our wine glasses again. I start to think that he wants to torture me. Is this some kind of revenge for being so closed off? For not being what he needed me to be while I was grieving? How is he able to go this long without sex? If he's not going to take me to bed, why did he bring me out here? And why did he give me a preview of what's to come?

"What are you thinking about?"

I pause as I look up at him. I take a sip of my third glass of wine before I answer him. "I think you're trying to torture me." Oh no, did I really just say that to him? I get my answer when he gives me a confused look.

"Why would I want to torture you?"

The moment of truth. The wine definitely makes me more honest and open. "Christian, we haven't had sex in weeks. And it's my fault."

He continues to look at me with a confused expression. "Ana, you were grieving. I wasn't going to touch you until I knew you were ready. I knew you needed space, so as much as it pained me, I was willing to give it to you."

"I don't want space anymore" I admit to him, and my voice is soft like a child's. "I want my husband to make love to me, and to have rough sex with me, like we used to. I don't want you to treat me like I'm broken."

He closes the distance between us and squats in front of me again. "I don't think you're broken, and I apologize if I've made you feel that way. The truth is, I wasn't sure how to help you. I don't know how to grieve for the loss of a loved one. I didn't know how to help you grieve, and you know how I hate not having control." He's right about that. I don't know how he's managed to keep it together. "I did what I thought was right, I took care of our kids and I took care of you, and hoped that you would show signs that you were ready to get back to your life."

I smile at him and cup his face. "You did good, Mr Grey. I am extremely grateful for everything you've done. But now I'm ready to be a wife and mother again. I'm ready to go back to work and have meals with my husband and my kids. And I'm ready to have some kinky fuckery with my sexy husband."

He smiles and his smile nearly reaches his ears. He leans in and kisses me, grabbing my head and deepening the kiss as I put my hands on his arms. This feels so good. Suddenly I feel him lift me into his arms and I yelp. "Kinky fuckery, you say?"

I let out a soft chuckle as I wrap my arms around his neck. I lean in so that my face is close to his. "Yes please"

He carries me into the room in the back of the boat and drops me onto the bed. I love my playful fifty, and I melt at the look that he is giving me right now. He draws his shirt off of his back and over his head and joins me on the bed, kissing my face, my jaw line, my neck, my chest. He pulls down the straps of my dress to kiss further down my chest, but he can't get far. He leans up and works to pull my dress up past my hips, past my chest and over my head so that I am left in my bra and panties. He removes both of our shoes and his socks. He leans down again and continues to plant kisses throughout my body. This feels so good, but how long is he going to keep this up? I want him inside of me, now! I lift my hips hoping that he gets the hint, and he does. He places his hand on top of my head and tilts it back. "Not yet, Mrs Grey." He continues by kissing my neck and moves down to my chest. He reaches around me and removes my bra with little effort. He is now sucking at my breasts.

"Christian" I moan

"Patience, Baby" he says, and I groan in annoyance. He stops and looks up at me. "What was that, Anastasia?" he asks me teasingly. And I don't answer him. "Stay right there, I'll be right back." What? Where is he going? I watch him walk away and my need practically shoots through the roof. This is so frustrating. I see him come back and he has leather cuffs in each hand. Normally he would tease me and make me wait with anticipation to see which toy he decides to use. But this time is different. He doesn't make me wait. He immediately gets to work with attaching my right wrist to my right ankle and my left wrist to my left ankle so that I am restrained and can't move. Oh my, this is going to be intense.

"Chose a safe word, Anastasia"

I freeze at the sound of those words. "Safe word". Now I know this will be intense.

"Ana!" he growls and he slaps the top side of my leg.

"Um, Grace" I decide the safe word will be the name of the boat.

"I want you to safe word if this gets to be too much for you, okay?"

"Yes Christian" I say. I'm already breathless and he hasn't even touched me yet. He rectifies that quickly as he parts my legs and positions himself in between them, sucking on my breasts and reacquainting himself with my body. We haven't done this for a while, and it is apparent as I already feel the intensity of his touch. I can't move, I can only absorb the pleasure that my husband's expert touch can bring. He moves down to my belly and sucks and kisses at my skin. My breathing is getting heavier and heavier, but he trusts me to safe word if I can't handle it. He continues as he makes his way down to my panties. He didn't remove them before cuffing me, so I know he is going to just rip them off. I am right. He grips them with one hand and rips them off. I let out a groan as he starts to lick and kiss, down there. This is so intense. I continue to absorb the pleasure as his expert tongue continues the torture.

"Christian" I moan softly. I don't want to safe word. I don't want him to stop. I want to enjoy this. I want him to enjoy what he does to my body. What he does to me. He moves up my body again and kisses my mouth. I can taste my arousal as he kisses me. I feel him push two fingers inside of me and move in a circular motion. This is too much. I want him inside of me. "Now….. please"

Christian hushes me and moves down again to kiss and suck my right breast. He pulls his left hand out of me and starts to squeeze and pull at my left breast. How long is this going to go on for? Do I safe word or let him keep going? I can't safe word. I need this. He needs this. I have to let him keep going. I try to gain control of my breathing as he makes his way down there again. His tongue is once again circling my clitoris, and I'm getting close. I'm going to orgasm. He didn't tell me that I couldn't, so I don't hold back. I come and feel my body start to convulse. When I come down from it I realize that I no longer have the cuffs on my wrists. I feel him move down and remove them from my ankles.

"How was that?" he asks me gently as he massages my right ankle.

"Heaven" I respond as I try to catch my breath. After he massages my left ankle I see him move on top of me. I don't know when he found time to remove his pants and boxers but he is gloriously naked. He kisses my lips gently and slowly. I love the gentle side of him, but I enough is enough. I lift my knees hoping he gets the hint.

"Eager are we?"

"Haven't we waited long enough?"

He smiles at me, that smile that does things to me. "Point well made, Mrs Grey." With that he starts to make love to me.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/

Kinky and vanilla sex all in one afternoon is just what I needed to break me out of the bubble. I'm going to miss my father. For the past two weeks I've let that grief consume me and I've shut out everything that is important to me. My husband, my kids, my job, but I know I can't do that anymore. Ray wouldn't want that. I need to find a way to move on and exist in this world without Ray. I need to let my husband help me do that. This afternoon definitely serves as indication that I can do that. I know that I cannot block out the world with sex, but I can talk to him about what I'm feeling. I know he will listen. I am lying wrapped in his arms as we both settle down from our love making. I feel safe and happy. For the first time in weeks I allow myself to feel happy. I feel him kiss my naked shoulder and I smile. "Thank you"

I feel him sit up so I turn so that I am lying on my back. I look up into those beautiful gray eyes. "For what?"

"For this. For taking me sailing. For kinky sex." I break eye contact with him and reach for his hand so that I can play with his fingers. I don't know why saying the words kinky sex still embarrasses me. He knows it still does and he laughs at me. I forgive him when he reaches down and kisses my forehead.

"The pleasure was all mine" he says.

He stands from the bed, still gloriously naked as he makes his way to the bathroom. I love watching him, and I love that he is all mine. I relax in the bed and wait for him to return. While he is in there his blackberry rings. I look at the caller ID and see that it is Sawyer, so I sit up and answer it.

"Sawyer" My voice is more urgent than I mean for it to be. Suddenly I realize that if he is calling Christian it is not just to say hello. It probably means that there is something happening with one of our kids. I listen and feel panic rise in my chest with the news he delivers. I don't even notice Christian coming back into the room. "Okay, we'll be right there." I disconnect the call and stare at the blackberry.

"Ana?" Christian immediately averts my attention.

"Um, that was Sawyer. There's been an accident."