Chapter 34: He Didn't Have to Be
"I realize now that dying is easy. Living is hard."
~Gayle Foreman, If I Stay
This was it; I was apparently at ten centimeters.
I watched as the nurses got all of the equipment ready, one of them put my legs into the stirrups so that no one had to hold them. Carlisle got gowned up and gloved as the rest of the nurses got the baby warmer and weight machine ready. Edward walked over to me and grabbed my hand; I looked up at him and smiled.
"I'm nervous." I said.
"I am too." He said kissing my hand.
"Are we ready for this?" Carlisle asked.
"Yeah." I said.
"Okay, so what's going to happen is every time you have a contraction I want you to bare down and push as hard as you can, kind of like you are having a bowel movement." He said.
"Oh lord, I'm not going to poop am I?!" I gasped.
Carlisle and Edward just looked at each other.
"What?" I asked.
"There is a possibility of you pooping yes." Carlisle said.
"Oh great." I groaned.
"It's normal Bella, I've seen it several times." He reassured me.
I still grumbled though, only it didn't last long because a contraction came.
"OW! Ow!" I hissed.
"Okay, one, two, three, and push!" He instructed.
I took a deep breath and pushed as hard as I could while I squeezed the crap out of Edward's hand.
"Keep going." Carlisle instructed.
"You're doing so good babe." Edward said.
The contraction ended and I was able to take a break. I tried to relax but it didn't last long because the next contraction came quicker then I wanted it too.
A Few Hours Later
I was sobbing at this point.
"You're doing so good love." Edward said.
"I want this to be over!" I cried.
"Bella, the head is almost out. Just a few more good pushes and I may be able to pull the baby out." Carlisle said.
I nodded sniffling.
"Okay, ready? Push!" Carlisle instructed.
I pushed letting out a scream, I pushed harder in hopes of speeding up the process.
"Nurse, I need towels." Carlisle said.
"Sir, we have blankets for the baby." One of them said.
"No, she's bleeding. I need the blood cleared!" He told her.
I don't know if it was from him saying that I was bleeding again, or the fact that there was something actually wrong, but I started to feel really dizzy at that point.
"Okay Bella, this is it. One last push and the baby will be here." He told me.
Edward kissed me on the forehead before squeezing my hand; I gave a half smile as I began to push. I screamed a little before a baby cry filled the air, I could feel something weird happening down there. Like something was trickling out of me and the dizziness got worse.
"It's a girl!" Carlisle said holding up the baby.
"A girl!" Edward said kissing the side of my head.
"Would you like to cut the cord daddy?" Carlisle asked.
Edward walked over to cut the cord, Carlisle handed him the scissors and Edward cut the cord. My vision became really blurred and hazy; I started to feel like I was underwater.
"Edward." I mumbled.
He looked at me smiling, his smile faded when he saw how pale I was.
"Bella!" He said.
"Promise me." I gasped before everything went black.
Edward's POV
"Dad!" I gasped.
"Edward get back!" Carlisle screamed standing up so fast that his stool slammed against the wall and crashed.
I was shoved back as a nurse put Bella's bed all the way flat. I watched as Bella's head fell to the side and a breathing mask be placed over her head. I glanced down at her legs and saw that the bleeding was spreading making the once white sheet red.
"Sir, come with me." A nurse said.
"No! I'm a doctor! I'm her husband I need to stay with her!" I told her.
"Edward, I have her. She's safe in my hands I promise you." Carlisle said.
"I made her a promise! I promised her that I would make sure that you would do everything you could before giving her a hysterectomy if needed!" I told him as the nurse was pushing me out the door.
"I promise Edward." He said looking at me.
"Bella! I promise! I promise everything will be okay! I LOVE YOU!" I screamed as the nurse pushed me out the door.
The doors swung shut, I looked at the nurse.
"My…My baby, is she okay?" I asked.
"We're not sure yet. Her lungs seemed to be a little underdeveloped still. We'll update you when we can." She said.
I watched her walk away, heading back to the two most important people in my life. Both of which were in critical condition.
…
To say I was going crazy was an understatement. It's been over two hours and still no word on how Bella or the baby was doing. Everyone was crowded into this small waiting room, Jake and Julia had shown up an hour ago. I sat on the couch playing with my wedding ring, every once in a while someone would come over and pat me on the shoulder. I just smiled; well fake smiled, as I went back to playing with my wedding ring. Was she going to be okay? Was the baby? I sighed and lay back on the couch and rested my head on the back of the seat.
"I'm coming princess."
I walked into the nursery flipping on the light. I shuffled over to the crib where my daughter lay screaming. She was about nine months and was normally really good at sleeping though the night. The past few nights she had woken up with a little fever, dad convinced me that it was just a cold and that she'd be better in a few days.
"Come here." I said.
I picked her up and nestled her into my chest, she kicked her legs as I rocked her. I walked over to the thermometer and checked her temp.
"Hmm, still a little fever. Nothing to worry about though my love." I whispered.
I placed her back in her crib, I smiled and smoothed her brown hair down. She smiled and kicked her legs looking at me with her chocolate brown eyes.
"Say hello to mommy for me when you dream." I whispered.
I turned around and shut the lights off, I yawned walking back to the room. I sat on the bed and sighed, I glanced over to the picture sitting on the night stand of Bella and I on our wedding day. I touched her rings on the chain that hung on the frame.
"I miss you so much." I whispered.
I gasped sitting up.
"Edward." Carlisle said kneeling in front of me.
"Dad." I said.
I sat up.
"Bella how is she?" I asked.
He sighed, "It's not good Edward."
"She- She isn't-"
"No, but she lost a lot of blood which sent her body into shock. We tried to get her to wake up but we believe that her body put itself in a coma." He said.
"What?" I gasped.
"I'm sorry." He said.
"Were you able to save her uterus?" I asked.
"Thankfully we were able to yes." He told me.
"The baby, how is the baby?" I asked.
"She'll be fine; the lungs weren't as bad as we believed. She is in the nursery when you are ready to see her." He said.
"What about the whole possibility of her dying in the next thirty days?" I asked.
"I don't think we have to worry about that, but I will make sure to watch her carefully when we are at home." He said.
It was only then did I realize that we were alone and that everyone must have given us privacy.
"What do I do dad? Do I go see the baby? Go see Bella? Should I wait to see the baby until Bella wakes up? Do we even know when she will wake up?" I asked.
"Edward, to be honest I don't know. I can't make this choice for you; I'm sorry, do whatever you think is best. I don't think there is a 'right' way to handle something like this." He told me.
"I want to see Bella." I said after a few minutes of silence.
…
"I'll give you some space." Dad said before walking out of the room.
I smiled at him before slowly sitting down on the stool he brought to me. I was honestly scared to just look at Bella, I knew what she looked like of course, but I was terrified to look at her for more than a minute.
"I-I don't know how to do this." I whispered.
I looked at her, and this time I forced myself to really look at her. She looked like she was sleeping, but the only difference was that she had this tube connected to her mouth. I listened as the machine slowly breathed for her. I slowly reached out my hand and touched hers softly, it was still warm.
"You never realize- You never realize how much you love someone until you're about to lose them. When you started to bleed and crashed, that was the scariest thing I've ever had witnessed in my entire life." I told her.
I put my face in my hands and let out a sob.
"I always thought I was the strong one, and that I had to be strong for you," I shook my head, "I'm not the strong one here Bella. You are. I can't do this without you, so I really need you to stay. Our daughter needs you to stay."
After spending nearly an hour with Bella, I decided it was time to go meet my little girl. I wanted so badly to wait for Bella, but I didn't know when she'd wake up. Our daughter needed to know she was not alone; she needed to know that she was safe and loved. I walked down hallways until I finally reached the nursery. I could go in, I knew I could've, but today I just wanted to be a new father, not Dr. Cullen. Someone walked over and stood next to me; I looked over and saw Carlisle. He just offered me silence and a warm smile as we searched for my baby.
I met the girl that's now my wife about three years ago.
We had the perfect marriage but we wanted somethin' more.
Now here I stand surrounded by our family and friends.
Crowded 'round the nursery window as they bring the baby in.
I spotted the 'Baby Girl Cullen' card on the bassinet as the nurse walked over to her. I smiled and watched her closely not even realizing that the family and our friends were now gathered around the window. Carlisle still stood next to me as the nurse brought the baby out.
"Want to meet your daughter?" She asked.
I just smiled as I tried to get control of my shaking hands. She gently put the baby into my arms and gave us all some privacy
"Am I doing this right?" I asked, as if I had never held a baby before.
"Yes." Carlisle said.
He stood next to me the entire time; he squeezed my shoulder smiling. He looked down at his first grand daughter and smiled.
Lookin' through the glass I think about the man Lookin' back all I can say
That's standin' next to me.
And I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be.
About all the things he did for me.
Is I hope I'm at least half the dad
That he didn't have to be.
Four Days Later
"What do you mean I can go home?" I asked.
"That you can go home, the baby has been cleared by the doctor and can be released today." Carlisle said.
"I-I can't go home! Bella is still here! She's still in a coma!" I gaped.
"Edward, I didn't say you had to go home. But you have to sign the release forms for the baby. She can't stay in the nursery anymore." He told me.
I sighed.
"Look, I know. I know this is difficult for you but your daughter needs you right now." He said.
"I know." I said.
So, I headed down to the nursery where the nurses were setting up a 'Getting Started' bag with diapers, wipes, formula, etc. Alice came in with the car seat; she smiled and gave me a hug. I felt a huge panic attack forming in my chest. I couldn't go home, I couldn't handle the first night alone without Bella. I knew my family would be there for me, but Bella should be here helping. I barely knew how to change a diaper let alone take care of a baby alone. Bella, she knew how to take care of Mason when we babysat like it was second nature to her.
"Edward?"
"What?" I asked.
"Are you going to take her?" Alice asked, and the way she was holding her in the car seat meant I'd spaced out for a while.
"Take who?" I asked.
"Your baby?" She questioned.
"Uh, yeah. Of course." I said taking the baby.
"Why don't I take her." Rose said.
"I can do it." I said.
"Edward, really. I'll watch her, go be with Bella for a little bit and when you are ready I will drive you home." She said.
I scratched the back of my head.
"Okay." I said.
I handed her the baby and headed out of the nursery towards Bella's room. I walked in and took a deep breath, I sat in the usual spot next to her bed.
"I get to take our daughter home today. To say I am nervous is an understatement." I said.
I sat in silence for a little bit.
"I always thought we'd be doing this together; that the both of you would be released at the same time. I told myself over and over that complications wouldn't happen and that you both would pull through with no issues. I guess you were right, you should have prepped me for something like this." I said.
…
I walked in the house carrying the baby in her car seat. The whole family walked in behind me, everyone was quiet and unsure of what to say. All I knew was that I was I was trying not to panic, and trying not to throw up at the same time.
"The nursery is all set up and ready if you want to put her in her crib." Alice said softly.
I nodded, "Thank you."
I headed upstairs and into the nursery. I looked around before walking to the crib; I unstrapped the baby from the car seat and was about to put her in the crib when I noticed that there was a folded piece of paper stuck halfway under the blanket. I grabbed it with my free hand before placing her into the crib softly. She fussed a bit.
"Shhh, you're fine. I'm right here." I told her.
I went over and sat down in the rocking chair and made sure I was in view of her. I took a deep breath before opening the note.
My dearest Edward,
Fuck.
I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but if you are reading this then that must mean I am no longer here. And if for some reason I am and living on a machine with no hope of recovery then I need you to be strong because what I'm about to tell you is going to be scary.
Unplug me Edward. I do not want to be living off a machine, and I do not want you to hold up your life by visiting me in the hospital every day.
Now for the important stuff, we never got the chance to discuss names. But I think I know what I'd like to call our daughter (I have this crazy feeling it's a girl) I would like to name our daughter Carlie Rose Cullen. After Charlie, Carlisle and Rosalie. I want Alice to be the god mother and Jasper to be the god father. You don't know this, but I took a life insurance plan out when I found out I was considered a high risk pregnancy. It won't have a lot, but the information is attached to this letter.
I love you Edward, I hope you know that. I ask just one thing though; don't be afraid to love again. If you meet someone, go for it. All I ask is for our daughter to be cared for so make sure this next girl will take care of her while not taking over my spot completely.
The letter is going to end now, and I know this isn't what you want, but its happening Edward. Try not to resent our daughter; she needs you to love and care for her.
I love you so much.
Your loving wife,
Bella
I stared at the letter with tears running down my face; all of a sudden I shot up and went for the garbage can by the door. I dropped to my knees and threw up what little food I had in my system. I gasped sitting up wiping my mouth on my sleeve.
"I can't do this! I can't do this without her! Bring her back to me damn it!" I cursed.
I sat on the floor for probably ten minutes before going over to the bedroom. It felt wrong being in the room without Bella. I walked over to the bed and picked up the clothes she was wearing when her water broke that were still laying on the bed. I held the shirt up to my nose and took a sniff, it still smelled like Bella. I knew she was still technically here, but for some reason it felt like she was gone. I sat on the bed and put my head in my hands.
I couldn't lose her.
I don't want to live in a world without Bella.
Intense chapter. What do you think?
I want to say thank you to jadedghost22 for the name! It's so adorable that I had to use it!
Also, the quote at the top is from If I Stay by Gayle Foreman. The song is He Didn't Have to Be by Brad Paisley. I do not own either.