Hey, all, thanks for continually coming back and reading this even though I suck at updating. I really want to finish this fic and I've decided that I'm going to put myself on a deadline. I want to wrap up the Atlantic City storyline, but if I don't write anymore by before I start college in the fall I'm going to complete it and leave this as the final chapter. If that's what happens I want to thank everyone for their support and love over the past two and half years. This fic has been one crazy ride and it wouldn't be what is without any of you.
UPDATE. Its not school time yet but I've decided to hit complete on this. I feel that I have moved on from this story and I am happy with this ending. Again, I want to thank everyone who has read this and enjoyed it. Writing/posting this fic has been one of the best experiences of my life. I have learned so much and become a better writer because of it. I love you all.
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The path her feet followed was instinctual, both conscious and subconscious. She followed the sidewalks and the crosswalks, past brownstones and bodegas, propelled forward by a single desire. She couldn't remember when exactly she had decided upon this course of action. She could only remember a feeling, a sense of dread that she could not escape and never would escape if she did not go.
Amanda's apartment rose overhead, and she tilted her head back to gaze skyward. A stray tear slipped down her temple.
A scarce half day had passed since last she'd stood here, and then her back had been turned as she'd walked away. She'd sworn to herself to find her way towards recovery, but after her night with Brian and then Lindstrom she found herself too devastated to carry on, too weak to withstand all the trauma that invaded her body, seeping into her bones like a disease.
She clenched her hands into fists at her sides, fighting tears as strangers passed by her, and silently vowed she wouldn't fool herself this time. It wasn't salvation that she sought with Amanda, but rather a solidarity, an understanding that she was not alone. Amanda could not save her. She could not save Amanda, but together, she prayed, they might tread the water. They might stay alive.
Ducking her chin, she stepped towards the front doors, her heart beating restlessly in her chest. She wondered how Amanda might greet her after the way she'd shattered her heart, carefully tapping away at her protective exterior until she crashed through. She wondered but she could not entertain the anxiety which fearfully mused that Amanda would no longer desire her company.
She punched in the code for the door, quietly whispering the numbers that she'd committed to memory as though entrance to Amanda's apartment alone would mean safety. A fraction of relief warmed her chest as she stepped inside, but it was only a temporary feeling. Standing in the doorway, she felt that she clung to a precipice.
Pushing towards the elevator, she tried to control the tremble in her fingers as she pressed the button until it illuminated and she heard the carriage shifting towards her floor. She bit at her lip, impatiently waiting until the doors opened and she could step inside.
Grateful to find herself alone, she indicated Amanda's floor, and leaned back. Her stomach was already queasy, and she clenched her eyes shut as the elevator began to sway upwards with a sickening jolt. She held onto the railing until she heard the doors creaking open again, and she quickly stepped out.
The hall ahead was dimly lit, and with the early morning hours no one else was in sight.
Heading towards Amanda's door, Olivia tried to breathe evenly and control the pounding of her heart, but their sheer proximity brought such a thrill of excitement and relief that it was hard to squash the involuntary reactions.
She reached the door, hesitating for half a second before she quickly knocked. The sound of her knuckles hitting the wood echoed down the empty hall, giving her a strange sense of loneliness and vulnerability. Her throat tightened as she listened to the silence buzz back at her. Trying to quell her anxiety, she knocked again.
Quiet. Nothingness.
She glanced back down the hall then down at the floor as the ball of emotion burgeoned at the back of her tongue. She blinked hard, trying to hold back the desperation slipping past the impulsive joy that had gripped her upon arriving here.
Grasping the door frame, she leaned hard on it for a second before lifted her head, staring at the peephole. She prayed that if Amanda was on the other side that she'd see the desolation in her gaze and open the door.
"Come on…" She whispered, lifting her trembling fist.
She knocked again, harder, her knuckles trapping insistently five, then six times.
Silence.
"Amanda…" Her name rose on her lips in a choked tone, and she stared at the door, her vision blurring out. "Please, I know you're in there…. I'm sorry. I-"
Footsteps.
She cut off, inhaling quickly. She blinked, causing a tear to escape her lid. Her heart pounded in her chest as the sound of Amanda approaching the door became more clear. The deadbolt began to clank and unlatch, and Olivia stepped back haltingly, dashing the tear from her cheek.
The door swung open halfway, and Amanda stood on the other side, her typically clear, sharp eyes glassy and cloudy. Her hair barely clung to a disheveled ponytail, and she wore nothing but a plain white T-shirt and her underwear. Olivia took in her appearance breathlessly, her heart slowly falling as she recognized every symptom of inebriation. The beer bottle dangling from Amanda's fingers was simply a reinforcement of what she already knew.
Oh, Amanda…
She wanted to fall into her, wrap her up in her arms and comfort her until the terrors of the world had passed, but she couldn't. That was her own fault.
Amanda stared at her blankly for a moment as though she wasn't quite processing Olivia's presence at her door. Slowly, her brow furrowed.
"Liv…" She mumbled, blinking slowly with delayed surprise. "What're you doing here…?"
"I… I came to check on you…" Olivia whispered, inching closer.
It was half the truth. The other half was that she had hoped for intimacy and comfort, a resignation of her previous resolution to end the affair.
"'m fine…." Amanda mumbled, her slurred tone marked with resentment.
Olivia's heart clenched as she wondered if it was as she had feared.
Amanda turned away, wandering back into the apartment, the door hanging ajar. Olivia hastily took it as an invitation for her to enter, and stepped in after her, closing them in together.
Amanda sank down on a chair at the kitchen table, her beer bottle lifted to her lips. She stared off at the opposite wall, her eyes bloodshot and filled with tears.
"So…" She whispered, huskily as she lowered the bottle.
"Amanda…" Olivia began, hesitantly moving closer to her, heart racing fearfully in her chest.
"Why are you here?" Amanda whispered, a broken tone that broke Olivia's heart clean in two.
She turned her stormcloud eyes on Olivia, her lips trembled, jaw clenched. Olivia stared back at her, shocked into silence at the heartache that spilled over her delicate, soft features, turning them to hard stone beneath Olivia's eyes.
"Did you know Cragen came here?" Amanda tone rode, abruptly, her nostrils flaring against tears. "I'm under protective detail. I'm on suspension. He took my badge and gun. I might as well be under suicide watch according to him!"
Her voice was sharp in the silence of the apartment, high-pitched and panicked against Olivia's ears. Each sentence slammed like a hammer of dread into her chest. By the time Amanda reached the end of the outburst, her breathing was heavy and rapid, tears fighting against her lashes to escape. Still, Olivia could not speak. The night had taken it's toll on her, and she felt frozen by the world seemingly crashing down around her at every turn. This new torture of being shut out of Amanda's heart was almost more than she could bear. She stood uselessly at the entrance of the kitchen, silent tears burning at the back of her retinas.
Amanda stared back at her, her jaw jutting, her glazed over gaze scintillating with frustration and hopelessness.
"I didn't ask for this." She cried, setting the beer bottle down with a loud clank against the table. "I didn't ask for what happened to me when I was kid. I didn't ask to be raped. I didn't ask for what happened in Atlantic City, but it's still my fault. I broke into the hospital. I slept with Nadine, and most of all… I fell in love with you - the biggest fuck-up of them all."
Olivia flinched as Amanda's hand smacked flat against the table, and the woman she'd found herself caring for more than anyone fell to pieces.
"Amanda…" She whispered, her voice breaking halfway through the plea as she stopped forwards, her trembling hands reaching towards her.
"Jesus, Olivia," Amanda cried, angrily wiping at the tears on her cheeks. "I fucking fell for you like an absolute idiot. And for what? What was the point of all of this?!"
Her voice was raw and full of agony, and when her blue eyes, stark against red whites and swollen lids, met Olivia's gaze with desperate questioning, Olivia felt herself shattering. She broke from the frozen bindings of shock and despair, two long strides bringing her to Amanda's feet.
"You're not an idiot." She whispered, grabbing Amanda's wrists and pulling her close.
Gathering Amanda's head against her chest, she wrapped her arm around her shoulder and held her tight. She bowed her head against Amanda's crown, pressing her lips to the messy strands.
"You're not…" She whispered as Amanda groaned and whimpered, struggling in her embrace.
Her fists pressed against Olivia's hips, her forehead digging into her stomach as she tried to wrench herself away.
"Let me go…" Amanda sobbed, her strangled tone muffled against Olivia's body.
"No." Olivia insisted, her voice breaking. Her heart was already in pieces.
They struggled against each other, Olivia pushing in closer to her until the chair creaked back against the floor.
"Stop…." Amanda groaned, grabbing Olivia's wrist and shoving back, disentangling herself. "Stop it!"
She pulled back, her cheeks flushed with intoxication and indignation, tears leaving distinct, distraught tracks. Her fists were clenched around Olivia's shirt and arm, and Olivia could feel the tremble running through her whole body.
Any other day she might've pulled herself together and apologized. She might let her be, but this wasn't any other day. This was the end of the road. Brian was gone. Her emotional strength had been ripped away from her, and she was raw with open wounds that had only ever begun to close beneath Amanda's gentle hands. She had nothing left to cling to, and if she couldn't have Amanda, she didn't know how to go on.
"Why are you doing this?" Amanda questioned, desperately. "After last night…?"
"I…." Olivia whispered, haltingly, her arm lapsing in Amanda's grip. "I went to see Dr. Lindstrom…"
Amanda's lids fluttered, a tear slipping from her lashes, but she didn't speak.
"I told him everything." Olivia whispered, lowering her head as the familiar shame crept through her chest. "I told him about Lewis. Everything he did to me. I didn't leave anything out. I-"
She cut off as her throat tightened, and she could scarcely breathe. She clenched her eyes shut, her mouth quaking with tears though she wished not to cry again. She did not want sympathy or compulsive compassion. She had no desire to manipulate Amanda's emotions in favor of her. She only wanted to tell her the truth.
She swallowed hard, forcing herself to speak. "I told him about you…"
She felt Amanda's fingers tighten around her arm, and she glanced up at her. Her mouth was tight against emotion, her blue eyes watery with guarded hopefulness. Olivia heart clenched, and she lifted her opposite hand to Amanda's cheek, her fingers hesitantly cradling her swollen, tearstained flesh. Amanda blinked quickly, her throat bobbing at the contact though she hardly moved, seemingly frozen in her place.
"I woke up this morning, and all I could think of was you." Olivia whispered. "I've made a lot of mistakes, Amanda, but thinking I could live without you…. Jesus…"
She sank down against her until her thighs were across Amanda's and their foreheads were pressed together. Her fingers slipped over the back of Amanda's neck, and she clutched the fine baby hairs at her nape, praying this wouldn't be the last time she held her so.
Above the sound of her heartbeat crashing against her ears, she could hear Amanda's breath, quick and ragged. Her fingers trembled around Olivia's wrist, and she grabbed her suddenly around the waist. The air rushed from Olivia's lungs as Amanda shoved her face into her neck, and dragged Olivia roughly against her. She released her wrist, and clasped her hand beneath Olivia's thigh, quaking as she pulled her fully onto her lap. Her breath rushed against Olivia's neck, her mouth desperate as she planted kisses there against Olivia's pounding pulse.
Relief flooded Olivia's veins, and she wrapped her arm around Amanda's shoulder. She showered her forehead and crown with kisses, returning each touch of Amanda's lips as her tears mingled into Amanda's hair.
"I thought I'd lost you…" Amanda whispered, her voice muffled and strained as she rocked into Olivia's body.
Her tiny frame could scarcely hold all of the emotions, the good and the bad, the ugly and the beautiful.
"I'm here now." Olivia whispered, kissing her temple hard and pressing her mouth there.
She stroked Amanda's hair and cheek as Amanda squeezed her closer. She nuzzled her face into Olivia's chest, her fingers seeking beneath her shirt to clasp her bare back, and just that simple contact made Olivia's heart burst inside her chest.
For once, they were together without restriction or moral obligation. No man nor institution stood between them, not even God himself, and still their embrace was not enough. Even when they were pressed together, there were spaces and gaps that Olivia wanted to destroy, to fill and pack in until they could not open again. She wanted more than their physical bodies could achieve, but for the first time in weeks she did not want to escape her prison of flesh. She just wanted to invite Amanda inside.
She clasped Amanda's jaw, and dragged her face upwards until she was looking into her eyes. Staring into the endless ocean of her gaze, she wanted to say more to encompass all the things that were in her heart, but she suddenly found words useless. Abandoning articulation, she bent and kissed her mouth.
It felt like years since last she'd done so though it had only been a few short hours, barely verging on a day; but when she felt Amanda tremble beneath her, she knew she also felt the desperation, the need that consumed her body and mind.
Amanda surged into her, her mouth parting with yearning heat, and another burst of relief filled her chest. Amanda's tongue pressed immediately past Olivia's teeth, and she shoved up from the chair, taking Olivia with her. The passion kindled her strength to life, and she bore Olivia up against the table, and pressed between her thighs. Olivia's heart raced faster with exhilaration, and she wrapped her legs around Amanda's as her body and heart begged for closer, closer, closer
Amanda kissed her hard, and Olivia felt her head spinning as it had when she'd found herself lying back against the hotel bed, Amanda's mouth working sweet affliction upon her body. She clutched Amanda's neck, returning the impassioned kisses as the desire curled quickly in her stomach.
She recognized it now for what it was, and what it always had been. This warmth that twined itself through her veins had founds it's roots in her heart from the moment Amanda had lead her away from that beach, to her tender care of her in the hospital, and beyond to this very moment.
She dragged her mouth from Amanda's, panting as tears stung her eyes again.
"Amanda…" She choked, the words rising on her tongue, the ones she'd wanted so desperately to say that night in Atlantic City.
Amanda kissed her jaw, her mouth working towards Olivia's neck, never leaving her for a moment, and Olivia felt her defenses come unhinged. She gathered Amanda closer to her, and pressed her face into Amanda's hair, her lips hovering against the shell of her ear.
"I… I love you…" The confession fell from her lips, raspy and trembling, and she felt Amanda shudder to a halt against her chest.
Amanda's fingers tightened around her waist, and she exhaled sharply, her chest quaking.
"Am...am I dreaming?" She whispered, huskily into Olivia's neck.
A smile rose on Olivia's quivering lips, and a tear spilled quickly down her cheek, though this time it wasn't from pain or fear. She stroked Amanda's hair and shook her head, rocking her slowly.
"No." She whispered. "You're not dreaming. I'm real. This is real."
Amanda released a laugh that was still half a sob, and sank further into Olivia's body.
"I love you too." She cried, her voice full of bewilderment and lingering tears. "God, I fucking love you."
She pulled back, dazed yet passionate. Her wide eyes found Olivia's, and her expression was one of shock and excitement, tears shimmering in her eyes as her mouth formed a hesitant smile.
"I've want to say that for so long." She whispered, tearfully, clasping her hand over Olivia cheek. "You don't even know."
"No." Olivia murmured, fitting her hand over Amanda's. "I think I do."
xxxxxxx
Sometime later, Olivia awoke against Amanda's chest, their naked bodies entangled together beneath the sheets. It must've been past noon because the sun was shining brightly through the window, illuminating Amanda's golden hair and rosy flesh beneath it's gentle rays.
When she heard her phone vibrating from the floor, she groaned. She was far too comfortable and content to move, but with all that was happening, she told herself that she shouldn't ignore any phone calls.
She grudgingly rolled away from Amanda, careful not to wake her before she leaned over the bed and grabbed her phone from her pants pocket. She thought it might been Brian or the captain, but when she saw Amaro's name on the screen she frowned.
Throwing back the sheets, she stood from the bed and padded out into the hallway. Clicking the answer button, she greeted Nick.
"Hey, Nick."
"Hey, Liv." He replied, softly, and she couldn't discern the exact tone of his voice.
"What's up?" She asked, her chest suddenly heavy and breathless.
A few different scenarios ran through her mind, mostly paranoid thoughts of him asking about Brian or Amanda, but she didn't have time to form a solid theory before be answed, shattering any idea that she had anxiously imagined.
"We got your rape kit results back."
The words took the air straight from her lungs, and the strength from her knees. She leaned back against the wall, her heart racing in her chest. There was a buzz in her ears, and she suddenly didn't feel prepared to face the truth. With all that had happened in Atlanta, her mind hadn't exactly been on herself and Lewis. It was every present in the back of her mind, but perhaps, she hadn't wanted to think about. Perhaps, if had been easier to bury herself in Amanda's issues rather than her own. It was ironically fitting that this news came now in the light of her vow to finally face her demons.
"Liv?" Nick asked, hesitantly, and she realized she hadn't answered.
"Yes, yes. I'm here."
"Is this an okay time?" Nick asked. "I figured you'd want to know right away-"
"Yes." Olivia interrupted him abruptly, pushing away from the wall and pacing towards the living room. "I want to know."
"We're gonna nail him, Liv. We've got plenty of DNA."
"Okay." She whispered, her stomach turning over, her heart skipping a beat. "Wh-what kind of...DNA?"
"Don't worry, Liv." Nick assured her, a smile reaching through the phone. "No semen. No signs of forcible rape."
Olivia came to a stop in the middle of the living room, relief building into a high tide in her chest. She clasped her hand over her mouth as a sob reached her lips, and she sank into a crouched position. She cradled the phone against her ear, and tried to process the emotion, tried to come up with the words to say.
"Oh my God…" She whispered, staring at the floor in disbelief as tears streamed down her face. "Nick...thank you…"
"We're gonna get him." Nick repeated. "You're gonna get your life back."
She nodded into her palm, unable to speak anymore. He stayed on the phone with her until she could compose herself, detailing the rest of the report to her satisfaction.
When they hung up, she wandered back into the bedroom and stood in the doorway, staring at Amanda's sleeping figure in a daze. It hardly seemed real.
Yesterday, she'd aimlessly trekked across Manhattan, hopeless and devoid of any will to live. Today, the sun was rising, and she with it.
Rushing across the room, she tucked herself back in bed, and curled herself into Amanda's body. She clutched her tight until Amanda roused, and mumbled her concern.
"Liv…? What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Olivia whispered, pressing a kiss against her cheek, and pulling her closer. "Don't worry...Everything's fine. Just fine..."