Summary: Think about it. What was Seph like prior to Nibelheim? Did he ever have sick days, hangovers, telemarketers that would not leave him alone? Well, you can bet your ugly f-king boots he did! And so this fic, which will eventually become a series of oneshots/drabbles, has come into being. Proof that Sephiroth is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, as human as you and I!

Disclaimer: Lemme check real quick. Hmmm... Nope. I still don't own Final Fantasy VII or Sephiroth. He visits me from time to time, but I don't own him. Truth be told, I don't think Square Enix really does either. They just say they do.

Queen's Quornor: The dinner chapter is getting worked on, I swear! But I got a request via PM from lioness78, and had to do it before I cleaned out my mailbox. She said, and I quote, "alright here's one don't know what you think but with as much sex as they seem to get what if one of the girls around came up pregers course being with all three they're all oh shit about who the daddy is course it's not any of them but can see them having attacks or something." Obviously, I did nothing to edit that. I usually don't. My apologies. Let's see what I can do with this, shall we?

Daddy-kins

Sephiroth, Zack, and Reno were gathered in a tiny examination room, each passing the infinite time in their own fashions. Zack was seated in an ugly plastic chair, bent so he could rest his elbows on his knees and his chin on his folded hands. He seemed to be praying. Sephiroth was standing by the window, playing with his hair. Reno was pacing in the tiny space between the examination table and the row of cabinets, occasionally tugging at his ponytail.

The tension was nearly unbearable.

"Will you stop pacing and just stand still?" Sephiroth finally snarled, rounding on the edgy Turk. "That is ten times more irritating than this infernal waiting game!"

"Well, I wouldn't have this problem if Reyna had told us she was off the pill!" Reno snapped back.

"I was not aware that you only slept with women who were using birth control," the silver-haired man sneered.

"At least my lays go after me for more than my power and wealth. None of my conquests have ever been gold-diggers, unlike yours, yo!"

"They only go after you because they couldn't get with myself or Zack!"

"Can it! Both of you!" Zack slammed his hands down on his knees and glared at the offending men. "Look, all of us slept with Reyna. We were all with her sometime around the last time she ovulated. And all three of us have a chance at being the father of her baby. So until Dr. Quorra gets the results to us, why don't we just stay off each other's throats?"

"You sound like you actually want to be this kid's father," Reno muttered, leaning against the cabinets.

"I want kids, that's true. But I'm hardly ready to be a good father yet. And Reyna is not the type of woman I would want to spend my life with, either. I don't want that test to match me anymore than you do."

"None of us want to have a baby with Reyna." Sephiroth combed his fingers through his hair, a sure sign that he was uneasy. "She's one of the hottest women in SOLDIER, but she also has one of the worst personalities. Definitely not the type of woman I would want to bear my child."

"I hear ya, yo. A real bitch in both senses of the word."

"How a woman like her got into SOLDIER I have no idea," Zack grumbled. "I plead temporary insanity as my reason for bringing her back to my quarters."

"She seduced me. Very few women can manage that. I was intrigued."

"I just wanted a look at her jugs, yo."

The room fell quiet for a moment, then the two SOLDIERs nodded in agreement.

"She does have great melons."

"Agreed."

Zack bounced his knees restlessly. "So, if it turns out you are the father of Reyna's baby what would you do? I have no idea what I'd do."

"I'd pay her off as much money as I had to to take care of the kid, yo. I may not want the brat, but I don't want it have the life I tried so hard to escape from."

Zack and Sephiroth both threw surprised looks at the Turk, who refused to meet their gazes. He looked pensive, yet determined.

"I know Reyna would dump any kid of hers into the slums, and I know what'll happen if she does that. No kid deserves that life. If that kid turns out to be mine, I'm going to do whatever I can to take care of it, even if it means marrying that bitch."

"I would also do right by her." Sephiroth twisted a lock of silver hair around one gloved finger. "Reyna is not fit to be a mother. I may not be the best father material there is, but I would not abandon any child of mine to a woman like her."

Zack was silent, then nodded.

"Yeah, me too."

Silence shrouded the trio once more, until it was broken by Reno. He kicked the examination table, frustrated. "Where the hell is that doctor, yo? This wait is driving me crazy!"

"The doctor is in." The door opened and a young man in a lab coat entered the room, followed by a blond woman dressed in a SOLDIER uniform. She shoved past the doctor and Zack to seat herself primly on the examination table, completely ignoring the glares the three dangerous men were shooting her. The doctor raised a brow, then examined his clipboard.

"Well, the physical examination performed by Dr. Quorra Lexaeus shows that Sergeant Reyna is eight weeks pregnant. The fetal examination showed no abnormalities, and the tests on the mother are likewise ordinary. Barring unforeseeable circumstance, I see no reason why this baby shouldn't have a perfectly normal term and delivery."

"Doctor, we all want a single question asked," Sephiroth said from his corner. "What did the paternity test reveal?"

"Well, it should first be stated that you three are not the only men from whom we obtained genetic samples. Sergeant Reyna had sexual relations with a total of seven men during her fertile period, so the tests took awhile to run. However, the results are indisputable."

The blond witch threw a victorious look at Sephiroth. He refused to look at her, preferring to play with his hair. Zack had his hands folded in prayer again, violet eyes intent upon the doctor's clipboard. Reno crossed his arms and started chewing his bottom lip, keeping his distance from Reyna.

"Lieutenant-Sergeant Zack. You are not the father."

The eyes closed, and the black-haired man exhaled in relief.

"Reno of the Turks. You are not the father."

Reno's fist shot into the air, a victorious gesture if ever there was one.

"General Sephiroth…"

Reyna smiled evilly, sending a shudder up the silver-haired man's spine.

"You are not the father."

"What?!" Reyna shot up from the table.

"Yes!!!" Sephiroth punched the air. "Yes yes yes yes yes!"

"There must be some mistake!" The woman snatched the clipboard from the doctor's hands, furiously looking over the test results. "This can't be right!"

"We ran the results twice, Sergeant. There is no mistake."

"If none of us are the father, then who is?" Zack broke in, causing Reyna to round on him, her emerald eyes flashing.

"That's none of your damned business!"

"You dragged us into this, Sergeant. We have a right to know who really fathered your child." Sephiroth gestured to the physician. "Tell us, doctor."

The doctor cleared his throat, taking the clipboard back from Reyna with some effort. "The father of Sergeant Reyna's child is..." His brows rose, and a short laugh burst from his mouth. Reyna threw him a hateful glare.

"What's so funny?"

The doctor continued to laugh, and suddenly understanding filled her eyes. "Don't you dare tell them. Don't you dare!"

"Please, share the test results with us, doctor." Sephiroth was smirking now, his arms folded across his chest. "Tell us what you find so amusing. Who is the father?"

"Palmer."

The room was silent for a moment, then three different voices raised in laughter.

"Quite a catch, Sergeant!" Zack howled.

"Good luck!" Reno congratulated.

"I shall give my condolences to Palmer," Sephiroth said, opening the door.

They laughed all the more upon hearing Reyna screaming for another paternity test as they left.