Chapter Thirty-Four: Itachi Is King

Dessie

Welwelle, the goddess of pleasure, is a bitch. I am not the only one who thinks that. I have a pissed off paper angel and a pregnant bitch with me to back me up on that statement. Why, you might ask, is Welwelle such a bitch? Well, for one thing, she might possibly be better looking than me (not that I'd ever admit such a thing). And, secondly, she made the Akatsuki act as hosts for our next task.

I stared at them – looking all sheik in their brand new black suits – and scowled. Konan, Kate, and I were dressed in our usually grubby clothes and forced to sit in a corner, watching as goddess after goddess came to hit on our harem of men – not their harem, our harem. We are a group of four girls (minus one at the moment) living with ten guys – it is our harem, not those bitchy goddesses'. Fuck off whores!

"Can I get you anything?" asked Leader irritably.

One red-haired goddess giggled like the bimbo she was and said, "No. This is good, this is good." She stroked Leader's arm adoringly. I could see a vein popping in Leader's forehead.

"What does that bitch think she's doing?" snarled Konan.

"Don't worry," said Kate. "Leader's only doing it for Hannah's sake. This is all for Hannah's sake."

"Don't lie to me," said Konan. "You can clearly see he's enjoying it."

He was clearly not enjoying it, but there was no point in explaining that to Konan. Instead, I kept my eyes fixed on Hidan, who had another blond bitch (why do all the blonds go for him!) draped all over him. Think of your religion, Hidan! Jashin does not approve!

"It's okay," said Kate. "They're only doing this – who is that poorly dressed woman and why is she touching Kisame like that!"

We all turned to see the blue-haired, green-skinned goddess of the sea (Mina) stroking Kisame's cheek fondly.

Kate might not have been so ferocious about this if she wasn't pregnant (I think with the magical pregnancy stuff she is around her fourth month of pregnancy, but none of us really know). So, she was in full Demon Don't Touch My Man Kate Mode – which meant Konan and I had to restrain her from clawing that bitchy goddess's eyes out.

Some of the Akatsuki did not seem to fond of the host club idea. Leader, for one, glared poisonously at every woman brave enough to approach him. Unfortunately, most goddesses seem to have thick skin and took his obvious repulsion as more encouragement than anything else, which meant Leader had quite the crowd of giggling whores around him (which caused Konan early gray hairs).

Sasori was disgusted by every female that looked at him. However, his boyishly adorable looks attracted many women and Sasori could do nothing but impatiently humor their every whim. (My drinking buddy was being corrupted by those fucking whores! Die bitches! Die!).

Kakuzu, too, seemed repulsed by every female that came his way. At least, initially, then he discovered that he could charge money of his customers – and then Kakuzu got into the hosting scene. He flirted and complimented and joked and teased and was pretty much the most perfect host that could possibly come from the Akatsuki. It was terrifying.

If Itachi was uncomfortable with hosting, he didn't show it. He was, without a doubt, the most popular host member there (how could my Original Hottie be anything but). Goddesses flocked around him like sheep. Itachi hosted every single one of them like the badass he was. That was great. I smiled at him across the room and secretly plotted to murder every single one of those women in their sleep tonight.

Despite Kate's concern, Kisame was actually not enjoying it. At least, not on the surface. He was all to aware of his girlfriend watching venomously from the corner and that just made him uncomfortable. A piece of advice Kisame, never upset your pregnant girlfriend – it does not end well.

Of course, there were also the Akatsuki members who enjoyed being hosts. Deidara was the perfect example. That feminine-blond attracted women left and right. He grinned confidentially (especially since the goddesses resembled the big breasted bitches in his porn videos). He practically glowed with the attention he was receiving. Well, he should enjoy it while he can – tonight, I was going to neuter him and stop this situation from ever happening again.

With Hidan it was hard to tell if he hated it or enjoyed it. He seemed smug that he was attracting so many women, but at the same time he kept saying Jashin would not approve – not that those words stop any of those bimbos. They don't care about religion! Stay away Hidan! Stay away! Religion is everything! Never forget that! Religion!

Tobi was the cute boy. The goddesses fawned over the adorable little boy in an orange mask. They fed him candy (Tobi, don't take candy from strangers – they teach you that in kindergarten!). Tobi didn't know those horny goddesses had ulterior motives, he just thought they were being nice. He even had the nerve to call one of the a 'Nunu' – that is a sacred position, Tobi! Sacred! You can't just give it away!

Of course, if there was someone who could rival Itachi in popularity, it would have been Madara. Those Uchihas are just too much – even for goddesses! Madara grinned confidently, knowing all to well how hot he was, and those bitches rushed to his side wanted to serve him. What happened to that all powerful pride of goddesses! They were acting like stupid fangirls. Don't act like fangirls! This is Madara! He's a porcupine! Not attractive – at – all!

"Those goddesses have no taste," I said firmly.

"Stay away from Kisame," said Kate. "He's blue! There's nothing attractive about blue people! Look at Squisher! Not attractive! Look at Itachi! He's so hot! Itachi!"

"Not happening," I said. "But Itachi is insane hot."

"Go to Itachi," said Konan, nodding eagerly. "Itachi. Itachi. Leader is old and annoying – he can't even make his own sandwich! What's so attractive about a guy like that?"

"Not my Sasori!" I cried, as one whore ruffled his red hair. "No! No! Bad girl! Bad! Sasori! Cut off her hand! Cut it off! That's the Sasori I know! She would be handless right now! Handless!"

Sasori did not, unfortunately, cut off that whore's hand. I was severely disappointed.

"Look at that!" cried Kate, pointing at the madly grinning Deidara. "He's enjoying this."

My eyes narrowed. "Shouldn't he be laughing like a psychopath and trying to set of his bombs that scatter those prostitutes into tiny little pieces?"

"They're no prostitutes, they're goddesses."

Konan, Kate, and I turned around to see the gorgeous-but-not-as-gorgeous-as-me Welwelle. Her long blond hair, bright blue eyes, and busty chest – that bitch had nothing on me!

"What do you want?" I snapped.

"Why are you making them do this!" cried Kate. "They're the Akatsuki! Not a host club!"

"But look how happy the goddesses are – you should think about dropping the criminal organization business and becoming hosts instead."

"Fuck no," I said (watching as some whore flirted with Hidan). "These are our men – not yours. Ours. Our names have been tattooed on their asses for years – you cannot barge in here and call them yours, because they're not."

Welwelle smiled. "They are at the moment."

And then she waltzed past and sat down next to Leader.

"Someone give her the worst damn paper cut off her life!" cried Konan as Kate and I restrained her.

"Look! Look! Look!" cried Kate. "Zetsu!"

We all turned to see our poor Venus flytrap sitting by himself looking rather dejected. Apparently goddesses weren't attracted to black-and-white cannibalistic plants. Zetsu sad on his couch, silently sipping tea and looking heartbroken.

"Those bitches!" I cried, getting to my feet. "How dare they reject our Zetsu! Do they not see how awesome and unique and original he is!"

"Dessie," said Kate slowly. "You usually make fun of Zetsu…"

"But I do it with respect!"

"What…?"

I stormed across the room and, after a moment's hesitation, Kate and Konan followed me. I plopped down on the couch on Zetsu's right, wrapped an arm around his Venus flytrap, and said, "Zetsu! Darling! How I have missed you!"

Konan took the seat to Zetsu's left and, smiling adoringly, leaned against him. "You're the only member still clean."

Kate settled into a chair and started pouring all of us some tea. "Only our Zetsu is too perfect for the goddesses to touch – they don't know what they're missing out on."

"Exactly!" I cried. "Look at this handsome fellow! How could you possibly be so blind as to miss this? Of course, Zetsu is too good for those whores."

"We're confused," said Zetsu.

"Look at all those jerks," said Konan, waving a careless hand behind her in the direction of the rest of the Akatsuki. "Soaking up the adoration of those women, thinking they're something special – but they are nothing compared to you."

"You're untainted," said Kate.

"We're… untainted?" repeated Zetsu blankly. "Is that good?"

"Of course it is!" cried Kate. "You don't want to be one of those jerks."

"Take a look at Madara over there," I said, pointing in his general direction without actually sparing a glance for him. "Those women. Those disgusting whores who dare lay their fingers on our men. Look how they touch Madara! Look at their flirting smiles! Lies! And look how arrogant he is! Look how pleased he is with himself! Lies! Lies! Lies! Those corruptive whores! You are above them. You have not been polluted or blinded or deceived – you are still pure Zetsu! Keep it that way!"

Zetsu nodded. "O-Of course we will. For Hannah's sake!"

"Exactly!" I cried, pumping my fist in the air. "You are above those whores for Hannah's sake!"

"Why can't Kisame say that!" wailed Kate.

"Kisame isn't as pure as we are," said Zetsu, patting her on the shoulder.

"Exactly," I said.

"Welwelle has moved to Hidan," said Konan with relief.

"What!" I spun around to see the blond whore of whores stroking Hidan's arm. "That bitch! Go to Itachi! I-t-a-c-h-i! He's gorgeous! Go flirt with him!"

"Why do you keep trying to push goddesses onto Itachi?" asked Kate. "I thought you were singularly possessive of him."

"Because," I said, sitting back in my seat. "No matter how many sexy women flock around Itachi – he will always feel nothing for them."

"Oh…" Kate considered that for a second. Then she turned around and addressed all the women around Kisame. "Itachi! Itachi! Look at that piece of smoking human flesh – go to Itachi! He is the Fence's contribution of perfection!"

"Itachi!" wailed Konan. "He doesn't even use conditioner on his perfect hair!"

"He doesn't!" cried Kate.

Konan shook her head. "Only cheap shampoo."

"Oh my gods that is amazing!"

"Look at that badassery!" I cried. "Go to the badassery! You'll never find badassery like that again!"

Welwelle got to her feet and moved to join Kakuzu's group.

"Poor Hannah," said Konan. "She's dead and her boyfriend is becoming a host."

"Are you kidding?" I asked. "Hannah would probably support Kakuzu. As long as he can bring in the money, she doesn't care."

"Welwelle is a ho," said Kate. Zetsu patted her on the shoulder.

"I hope she burns in godly hell," I said, slouching back in my seat. I leaned against Zetsu's Venus flytrap shell and sighed. "Zetsu's the only man I love."

"So true," said Konan, leaning against Zetsu on the other side. "Screw them, Zetsu is the only one for me."

"Hey."

I glanced up and saw a red-head, a blond, a Zombie Whore, a porcupine, an orange-haired punk, a lollipop, a shark, and a Hottie standing over us.

"What are you doing here?" I snapped.

"Why are you Zetsus customers?" asked Leader irritably.

"Because he's our one true love," said Konan.

"That's true," said Kate. "We'll become Mormons so we can all marry Zetsu."

"I'm First Wife," I said.

"Hannah's First Wife," said Konan. "You can be Second Wife. I'll be Third Wife and Kate can be Fourth Wife."

"Why do I have to be at the bottom?" cried Kate.

"Hey!" said Deidara, tapping me on the back of the head. "Why does Zetsu get to have a harem and the rest of us get nothing, uhn?"

"Because the rest of you have cooties," said Kate.

"Zetsu," said Kisame, punching the palm of his hand threateningly. "We're going to have to have a talk."

Madara grinned. "I can help with the head cutting."

"Jashin will be appeased," agreed Hidan.

"Can I rip out his lungs and shove them down his throat so far that they come out his ass?" asked Leader.

Zetsu shuddered.

I turned around and knelt on the sofa. I reached out my hands and caught a hold of Itachi's divine face. He stared at me through flat, emotionless eyes and I stared back at him, my expression dead serious.

"Itachi."

"Hn."

"Get them all."

And then I released Itachi and returned to my seat next to Zetsu.

"What was that about?" asked Sasori.

"What are you doing? You have guests to entertain!"

The Akatsuki didn't have time to stick around. Welwelle dragged them back to their seats and the whores who awaited our men. However, I had already taken care of the problem. Kakuzu, as good as a host he was, was no match for Itachi when Itachi was actually trying. Itachi, apparently, had taken my words seriously and within minutes had managed to snag every single woman in the room. The rest of the Akatsuki found themselves alone on their couches, watching the swarm of woman fawning over Itachi.

"Damn him," said Deidara, flipping off Itachi. "I had women, uhn!"

"For the first and last time," said Sasori.

"My money!" cried Kakuzu. "Money! Come back!"

"Jashin does not approve of women not being attracted to his servants!" Hidan glared at Itachi. "Fuck!"

"Kate!" cried Kisame. "Kate! I was being good! Did you see me! Good! Good Kisame! Good Kisame deserves a bone!"

"Great, another person I have to add to my hit list," Madara groaned.

"Tobi misses the pretty women."

Leader looked relieved.

Konan, Kate, and I spent the rest of the host club adoring Zetsu. The Akatsuki had to face their unworthiness at the hands of Itachi while we showed Zetsu with the love and affection he deserved. Zetsu was very pleased – both of him.

We took some valuable lessons away from this task:

One – The Akatsuki girls get jealous very easily.

Two – The Akatsuki boys get jealous very easily.

Three – Itachi is king.

A/N: Review or I will steal your soul and give it to the blond bimbo known as Welwelle to use as a toy for eternity - and who knows what kind of kinky stuff she uses her toys for.