Chapter 34
Light somehow finds its way into my room in the morning, waking me. Cloud sleeps on deeply, curled on his side facing me. His forehead is smooth, without worry, and his chest swells with each breath. I curl against him, and he responds in his sleep, draping a hand lazily on my bare shoulder. His heartbeat is loud in my ear, but pleasant. It's amazing how something so simple as a heartbeat can bring so much happiness and joy. To hear that, to feel his chest rise and fall with each breath, is a gift. I sigh, squeezing myself tighter against him.
Earlier, after he had fallen into an almost trance like sleep on my bed, I had stood and went to my desk, to write my thoughts, or something...to make sense of the mass of visions I saw last night. I know what I saw, but...it's too much to comprehend. So, I stand again, slowly, so not to wake Cloud.
I wrap a sheet around me and sit at my vanity. I watch him for a while before finally grabbing the paper I had written on last night. It feels like we're existing on borrowed time now...I feel like each little bit of happiness, of peace we have together is stolen. Maybe...once...
What would it be like? I have to ask myself that question as I gaze at Cloud sleeping peacefully. Had those poor Wutai teenagers known the exact moment their death was coming? To stare down the scaffold, to approach their death...to know that their last breath would be spent in that place...what kind of thoughts went through their heads? Was it their family? Their past? Or was it of the future they knew they would never have, could never have...
I think I have been biased in these thoughts; whenever I've seen a death, whenever I've seen the life snuffed out of a person, before it has even happened, I always think of the people left behind...what of the people that will never be? The people that will never be because of their death? The lives they could've changed...not just the lives they did change by dying... children could've been born, people saved, people killed, anything, if one person lived beyond the day they were destined to die.
And none of us are as big as the planet, and each of our own little fates are inevitably met out, no matter what.
Sometimes...our deaths play a bigger role than our lives, I suppose...
Cloud stirs, his head lifting lazily from the bed. He spots me sitting at the vanity, and his brow wrinkles slightly in confusion.
"What are you doing?"
I smile, forced. Hopefully he's to groggy to notice. "Nothing." I say, turning quickly away. I fold the paper in half, and stand to walk over to the bed. He grabs me before I can crawl into it.
Cloud pulls me into his arms, and I sigh, relaxing against his chest. I bury my nose into the hollow of his throat, and revel in the feeling of bare skin on bare skin. This movement, so easy, so...simple...so fleeting...
He rolls me over on the bed, snuggling into my back. A safe moment, a safe feeling, that broad chest against my back.
"I have to get up soon..." he murmurs against my back. "Don't I?"
I fold his fingers in mine. "You can sleep a little longer."
Xxx
His back is to me as he readies his bike for the trip to the Tower. He wants to go ahead and be packed up so we can leave as soon as he gets back. He's supposed to be stopping by the tower first to meet up with Sephiroth, and possibly speak to the Director. But there's also a likelihood that the Director will be at the SOILDER office beside of Marlene's school. More than likely, if the Director is there, Sephiroth will only be able to send word, and not attend the meeting. It would be better if Cloud could have his support in the meeting, but duties are keeping Sephiroth at the Tower. Since this is sort of an impromptu meeting, the Director is bound to be anywhere, and he can't exactly cancel important meetings for a defunct SOLDIER. It probably wouldn't go to well for him politically.
All I hope is that Cloud doesn't see Rufus at the tower. I still haven't told him about Rufus, and Costa del Sol. I don't want to make something happen...
I feel something tight well up in my chest. I reach out, almost telling him not to go.
I still my hand. It can't happen yet. It can't.
I won't think of it.
He turns to find my hand frozen in the air between us, and he meets my eyes. It's amazing he can read the fear there; he knows there is death in my eyes right now. I can see it before me, as I always have. It's strange, though, having someone catch me that raw...not even catching me, just seeing through me. I've built up a pretty good defense at hiding the death in my eyes...but he can see it. Or maybe I really just can't hide it from him.
Cloud catches my hand up in his own in a quick movement. He presses a kiss to my forehead, his free arm coming up to circle me around my waist. I press my palm into his chest, and my cheek into his heart.
The fabric of his shirt is soft on my cheek, and his steady heartbeat beneath it is calming, and reassuring. I want to stay like this forever.
"Don't worry," he mumbles into my hair. I tip my head back to look up at him, relinquishing the heartbeat for his eyes. Blue. "I'll be okay."
He kisses me.
"I know you will."
Xxx
Sitting in the apartment, to wait on him to come back, is out of the question. My legs move of their own accord. It seems as long as my legs keep moving, my mind keeps moving, and I don't have to stop and think about what's eventually going to happen.
Unfortunately, certain caution, and the want of news, keeps me close to the bar. I circle a few blocks, but then the truth starts to creep back into my mind, and so I have to do something else. I have to put more distance between me and my thoughts.
It's foolish; I know it the moment I see it, and I know I should stay put, but I can't.
I walk steadily back up to the apartment to dig through my bags; I had been meaning to give Barret the keys back to the old, worn out truck, but I hadn't gotten around to it yet. I hadn't seen him since Yuffie had hotwired it, and taken Marlene home with it...and well, by that time I was practically a fugitive escaping from Midgar, and ShinRa.
It's almost three, so I figure I'll ride around the bottom for a bit, to see if anything has changed. I figure I can swing by the train station to pick up Barret and Marlene in about half an hour, though it's only a few blocks from the boarding house and club. I don't really care though. I just want a plan, or something to do...something to kill this anxiety building in me.
I rumble down the road at a relaxing pace, observing things that are the same, and things that have changed. There's a few new stores, and it looks a little cleaner than it has been in the past. I wonder if Reeve has kept up the pipes; it doesn't look like there's been any recent floods. Usually there's trash caught in the iron fences around some of the businesses, but I don't see any. Maybe Reeve got to keep all the funding even after my disappearance.
I take a left, catching sight of the hole above the church. Probably about twenty blocks away or so...
I can't go near it.
The last time...and this time...
I shake my head resolutely. I'm not ready to go there. I don't think I'll ever really be ready to go there.
I pull into the left lane, preparing to make a turn away from the hole, when I feel it.
"No..." I whisper. "Not yet...I'm not ready..."
But it's there, that feeling I can associate with no other. I fight the wave of nausea his presence gives me. Gaia, preserve me. I cannot have this right now. His evil is a sickness...I can't get it out of my head, my skin. I want to scream.
I want to run.
I will run.
I slam on the gas pedal.
TIFA!
Aeris is in my head but I shove her roughly out. She could be a small ray of light, a savior, but I can't. I have to focus now. I need all of my mind. This CANNOT happen now.
Genesis is a red blur to the left. I swerve to the right lane, narrowly missing a car.
He can't be this fast– of course he can, he's a fucking SOLDIER. I know how fast a SOLDIER is. Dammit! I can't do this!
My hands are shaking...it's hard to steer. I'm scared. I can't remember ever being this scared.
The tires squeal in protest, the engine groaning and complaining as a take a right turn much to quickly. Somehow I straighten the stupid boat of a truck out, and the engine roars as I head into on coming traffic.
Horns are blowing all around me, and Genesis is toying with me, I know he is. He's to the left, then the right. I can barely keep track of him in my mirrors.
BANG!
I duck in my seat, swerving blindly as his sword crashes through the rearview mirror. It narrowly misses me, and I can't see over the dashboard. I jerk the wheel desperately, sharply to the right, hoping to throw him. I can't see him, but his sword is gone. He's laughing, the bastard. He's enjoying this.
I belatedly remember I am still turning right. It's amazing how slowly things can happen when they're happening so quickly.
The momentum is too much, I feel it in my gut as the tires hitch, scrape–
The ground is the sky.
Rufus chuckles, leaning against the desk behind him...so nonchalant. A war beneath his feet? Business for the poor. "What have I ever done to you that's so worse than what happened to the others? All SOLDIERs are destined to die and suffer."
No...it's the ground again.
Cloud is bruised...lying against a shattered pillar. Unconscious at first...he wakes slowly, confused. He stands as if there is such a weight on his shoulders...and then...a sight, something in the flowers–
No...it's just a blur–
Zack. Midgar sits behind him, surrounded by desert-Zack stares straight at me, straight into me. There is so much pain, and it is his pain, his bullet riddled body.
"Aeris...Aeris...Aeris..." he whispers.
All I can taste is blood, and something is cracking, popping. The truck...
And he squeezes the trigger, straight to Cloud's heart...the ribs don't stop it this time.
My arms are hanging limply past my head. Gravity pulls my hair into my face, and I hang suspended, upside down. Blood trickles down my arm, and drips off my finger. I don't think I can move my arm...my collar bone...
Tifa! Tifa! Hang on! He's–
No Aeris...you can't see this...
I know he's waiting for me out there, I can feel it. I won't let him be disappointed.
I find some strength, using my right arm to unbuckle myself. As I hit the roof of the cab I scream, but bite it back quickly. He won't have that...I'll keep some part of my dignity.
I roll on to my back, cradling my bad arm in my lap, and I kick the windshield out. It takes a few more kicks than I think it normally would, but it gives. I crawl out over the cracked glass, and stand slowly. I spare a glance at the truck, one wheel still feebly turning as it smokes.
Sorry Barret.
I turn grimly forward. I see him in the distance. Even from here, even with my vision slightly blurred, I know he's smirking. I know he's enjoying this too much.
The knowledge of this makes anger burn in my heart, and the frustration, the absolute frustration that I can't change anything makes me face him with some sort of stupid bravery.
I start walking towards him, my breath rising in quick spurts.
"Come on!" I yell. "I'm here! You have me!"
His laughter angers me more, and I square off, glaring at him, staring him down.
"What do you want?" My hair sticks to my face, to the blood running from my head.
He gestures simply, shrugging. "This."
His first step is slow, deliberate, so he can tell me that this is it. Even if I faced him healed, with two arms, I couldn't stop him, I know, but I sure as hell am not going to lie here like a damn dog and just die.
As the second step comes, I hear it in the distance, a familiar rumble...a noise almost as familiar to me as a heartbeat...one that carried me home and back.
I turn, not afraid, because this is truly what Genesis wants, and because if I'm going to see anyone when I die, it will be him. I know Genesis is smiling.
"Perfect," he says.
Cloud...
A/N: I live! This was an incredibly difficult chapter to write, because it really sets up the end of the story, and I'm trying to hint, without giving away...so, yeah...it's confusing...and Cloud's timing is ACTUALLY plausible, and explained in the chapter above, but ya kinda have to pay attention to details, course if you really want to know you'll probably go back and read where he is or where he might be and be able to figure out what exactly happened and how for once he's actually got some decent timing. Also why Genesis is there etc... stupid Genesis!
Unfortunately the next chapter will probably be one of the last...there will probably be an epilogue...thingy...there will be a thingy, but whether or not it can be defined as an epilogue...is eh...and besides, things change, and well, if I say to much now you know endings and what not. I'm trying to maintain TENSION and MYSTERY but I don't know if I'm succeeding.
Sorry for the delays! Hopefully it'll move smoother from here on out, and once I finish you'll be able to see why this chapter gave me so much trouble! I have to write it and it has secrets:!
LOVE TO ALL! AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!