Better than myself Part 35

(Sequel to As a Man)

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making any money, and all the wonderful characters belong to the lovely JE. I would borrow Ranger and maybe Tank, at least Tank as I write him.

Ranger's POV

I wake up slowly and look over at Steph, she is the reason my arm is asleep. But I can't bear to move her. This is the last day of our honeymoon and then it will be time to start our lives. Two weeks in the Grand Cayman is not enough. Stephanie loves it here; I do find myself wondering if they need a branch of Rangeman out here. But I know it isn't realistic.

Our entire honeymoon has not been this relaxing. We started off in Trenton, because Valerie went into labor right after the ceremony. As disappointed Stephanie was in her sister, she wanted to be there for her during this time. Because everyone knew that the paternity of this child would determine her future. The baby arrived like a freight train, we were almost too late, but Frank and Steph arrived just in time to witness Cameron Morelli's birth. Yes, Morelli, Albert insisted on the paternity test moments after the baby was born. I pulled some strings to rush the results and it was 99.9% accurate that Albert was not the father. He left the hospital without a word to Valerie. All we know is that he stopped by Mary Lou's to see the girls and there is a closed sign in his office.

Valerie was inconsolable; she wanted to apologize to everyone and then wanted to be alone. Stephanie held Cameron for quite some time; I am not sure if she was thinking that it could have been her or if she dodged a bullet with Morelli. She volunteered to be the one to go tell Morelli about the baby. I didn't want her to go, but I respected her decision and her need for closure.

I didn't want to go into the jail with her, it was a private moment and I knew she had to tell him about the child he would not see until he was 16 years old. I could not imagine his reaction, he always wanted children and now that he has one, he will have no say in the raising.

While I was waiting for her at the jail, I guess Joe Juniak made an appearance at the hospital. He wanted to see is newest grandchild. He came with apologizes for being afraid to step up and thanks to Frank for stepping up and being Valerie's father. I don't know what that means for how active he plans to be in their lives, but you can never have too many people who love you in your life.

Steph came out of the prison with a smile on her face and a kiss for me. "Carlos, I needed to say good-bye and tell him we were married, and about Cameron. He was sad but I think he has started to come to terms with the choices he made getting him here. It isn't my fault he is in jail, it was his greed, he wanted everything without any consequences. And we both know it can't work that way."

We drove away from Trenton, not for the last time, Stephanie was committed to trying to have some relationship with her sister. They need each other.

Our next stop was Boston, I wanted to see my mother's grave. I guess I was looking for closure, I wasn't prepared for the emotions that welled up in me seeing her buried next to my sister. I sat and talked to Arielle for a long time, I just wanted her to know that I understood and wasn't angry that she didn't help me. I was just so sad that Thomas' evil claimed her life. And to tell her that I was more determined than ever to live my life well, because living well is the best revenge and I know that it was what Arielle always wanted for me.

I wanted to forgive my mother, I thought the months of therapy brought me to a place of forgiveness, but when I tried to talk to her. I just cried, I have not cried in years. I know Steph was unsure what to do, so she just held my hand. I cried for the mother I always wanted, I cried for the little boy I was, I cried for JJ. I couldn't forgive her, because there are some things that I am not ready to forgive. By looking the other way, she allowed all of her children to be harmed in some way, and her grandson. Her selfishness destroyed lives and I am not ready to absolve her of the responsibility for that.

We left Boston with the knowledge that that we will have to come back; we will have to come back when I am ready to forgive. Forgiveness would not be for her, it would be for me, Ella always tells me that forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could be any different. I am not quite ready to give up that hope, but I am making strides in getting there. My therapist says that everything will come in time, it took me 30+ years to get help, and it will not be all fixed in a year.

I am in such a better place than I was, when most of my thoughts were consumed with hiding who I was and if my life was worth living. I look around and see all I would have missed if I would have taken my life the night Tank came into the apartment. I have only admitted this out loud to my therapist, that night the demons felt too close, I thought it would be so much easier to give up. But I would have missed out on having Jason in my life and JJ who is my buddy. We spend so much time together; I think I help him as much as he helps me. He has finally began to accept that his parents are not going to be married and that Tank loves his mother and does not want to take his father's place. How could he, Jason lives in the mother in law suite of their house. Jason and Tank have even found things in common and are become fast friends with their love of jazz and spicy foods.

Tank says that he is willing to go as slow as Camille and Jason need to in order to do their relationship right. He is so happy and I am happy for him.

I would also have missed the dance that Frank and Ella are doing around each other. They think that no one notices the looks they give each other or the long hours they spend at each other's apartments. I can tell that they are afraid of the reactions they will get, especially since they consider themselves the parents of our motley crew. That is even more of a reason that I am sure that everyone will be ecstatic that they found each other. But I know it will come out in due time, love can't remain hidden, it shouldn't.

I can't ever thank Tank enough for stopping me that day, I would never have had the chance to better my life and I can't imagine a better life than this.

A/N: I want to thank everyone for following this story as long as you have. I hope I ended it a satisfactory way. I am not sure if I have an epilogue in me, because I feel I wrapped up this story in a great way. I will miss these characters. I might revisit them soon; I have ideas about telling some of young Ranger's story. But I need to wait until school starts and finish Waiting for change. I don't think I am a 2 story at once writer. My thoughts get too muddled.

I want to thank Christibabe, Margaret fowler and Danababy1076 for encouraging me and giving me great ideas to get over my writers block. I might have more work for you ladies!